11. Domestic service... Dancing Secrets...

It's always just before we close our eyes that the best thoughts dance around in our head... My own thoughts never ending and my secrets swaddled softly within. If they emerged then push had come to shove it would then be the pusher who would be truly sorry...

Tuesday 13-04-10

The last few days have been long and drawn out the feeling amongst staff was very much that things have been unnecessarily complicated... but only because the senator needed to return to the states. Unfortunately the ash cloud was doing its worst in bringing the world to a complete standstill with many people being stuck and stranded. But I knew only to well, where there's a will there's a way!

Jake had called for a meeting to be held later in the afternoon, with the agenda being centred on bringing us all up to date with the senator’s household... its wants, its needs and importantly a current plan. Already I was aware of most of the issues, but Jake and Eric had more security alerts they needed to bring to the attention of all the domestics within the building. I must admit though, It was really good being back at the villa, the family had settled right back in.

The meeting was scheduled for 6.30pm to be held in the villas bright airy kitchen. To facilitate my attendance I had ensured the children were in bed. Walking into the kitchen I could see everyone was present apart from Eric, who apparently was making sure the two security guards were rightly stationed at the main gates. Given the lateness of the day, Jake decided to start.

Jake went through the normal security plan for the building, discussing exits, boundaries but he concentrated specifically on the person we were all calling the peeping tom, who had unfortunately made an appearance just prior to the families recent trip with the captain of ‘The Captains Delight’ a cruise everyone onboard had thoroughly enjoyed. Jake informed us the investigation was still ongoing but as yet nothing conclusive had been found, which he felt was worrying but nevertheless everyone was asked to be vigilante in observing their surroundings and ensuring anything suspicious is quickly reported. There was talk about the senator’s imminent departure for the states, despite the no air zone problem it was thought the senator would be leaving the day after tomorrow (Thurs) and it would be courtesy of the navy... it was imperative he return to the states. During the meeting I noticed Eric appeared and as usual he smiled taking his chair next to Jake. The rest of the meeting went well with an appearance from the senator who spent a few minutes talking to staff, he also confirmed he would be leaving to return to the states... looking towards me, he further spoke about his family remaining at the villa awaiting his return.

The rest of the staff left to be transported home. Jake asked me to stay behind. Whilst the others were organising themselves I put the kettle on and prepared to make coffee.

Ten minutes later I found myself sat with Jake who surprisingly whispered advising me the senator would not be leaving on Thursday; his departure was scheduled for tomorrow (Wed).

“I think Crystal you will understand the reason for that little in discrepancy.”

“We can’t be too careful “he winked.

I nodded, understanding perfectly.

“How’s the new gadget I gave you” Jake asked.

“Fine as far as I know, not used it yet but I wear it just in case”

On the last night of the cruise, Jake had given me a new gadget in the shape of a watch it was something that would be useful if I needed to call for help.

“Good let’s hope you won’t need it, but don’t forget it’s also a microphone and a mini camera which can be used without the need to call for help.”

The kitchen door gently pushed open, it was Eric.

“Right Jake, staff have gone and the building is secure.”

“Ok, pull up a chair and have a drink” Jake said pushing out a chair with his foot.

“Thanks but I was thinking of having something a bit stronger” he grinned.

“No problem, already ahead of you there” he got up and produced 3 glasses and a bottle of JD.

I needed to be careful here... as much as Jake and Eric knew the security and plan for the building and the family, Eric didn’t know I was a protective agent and the pair of them didn’t know I had special skills or anything about my specific qualities. My secrets are what make me special and my specialism is what makes me exclusive to this particular assignment.

“Penny for them” Jake said.

“Oh no problem Jake, was just thinking in view of my role I’m thinking of planning a nice picnic for the children and their mother but we'll discuss another time”

“Yep, sounds good to me.” he winked.

“Right I for one have to be up very early, with two little souls who don’t understand the difference between 6am or 6pm” I re-filled my coffee cup and left making my way to my room.

In my room I moved around double checking its interior and carefully opening its French windows, this is something I’ve always done since the peeping tom episode. The night was beautiful and the sky was fully lit by a full moon. I thought about my speciality and warmly embraced myself knowing my skills were always going to be indispensable to my work.

Locking the French windows I showered. Eventually I jumped into bed... sleepy now from being up since the crack of dawn, I relaxed thinking about my origins... In the darkness I silently thanked my parents for using their instinct as well as their clever knowledge in genetically modifying me, transforming me into what I am today. I knew and it was understood my skills would save the day, with that last cheerful thought; I fell willingly into the land of delicate dreams.

10. Domestic Service... Sweet-Dreams...

Saturday 10-04-10 Pm... (Update)

In my last chapter you may remember I left to go to bed with my secret... Those of you who are familiar with the story know within my role as a protective agent I’m not able to share real names, photographs or locations due simply to the nature of my work. However I can share with you how my protective agency understandably made it extremely difficult for me to even write about this but true to the spirit of my own personality I stubbornly applied for a special licence. The conclusion was my work had to be proof read by our legal department before publication... I was given the green light and contracts were signed. I must add this didn’t stop me from enforcing signatures of privacy for my own identity from legal... including a small handful of people who had knowledge of what I was writing about. It was pointed out to me that in the history of protective services this had never happened before. Still isn’t that what life is all about.... progression, change and growth. I want to share so much with the world...

It may be interesting to know even if my secret became general knowledge; it wouldn’t hurt me or my position. For now though, I want to retain anonymity for as long as possible... Why? Because somewhere inside it gave me a deep, delicious feeling knowing I was different, even special. I knew I would become the best agent in the history of protection and that would include all it stood for. I know... I know... I distinctly hear you all thinking it's a rather large ambition ... But why not? My secret would assist me in becoming just that.

So do I tell you what the secret is now or will I let you read it as my observations unfold... I think it might be more interesting to see the secrets unfold within my observations of the family I protect... Oh yes didn’t I tell you, there’s more than one.

Now my friend it’s time for me to hit the sleep button... I've a busy day tomorrow making sure the family get back to their villa safe and sound...

Sweet Dreams!

9. Domestic Service... Dolphins, Children & Dreams...

After having the most wonderful sleep with creamy delicious dreams on board a slow moving boat, happily I wondered how my day would unfold but before any of that, I had to quickly rise and shine before two very excited children surfaced...

Busy In the kitchen cabin, I was joined by a very sleepy Kristina and two babbling children.

“You go back to bed Kristina” I admonished “I’ll sort the children out”

“Are you sure” she whispered hoarsely...

“Of course” I laughed pushing her gently backwards towards the galley door.

A few hours later found us washed, dressed and breakfasted... up on deck I had attached child friendly safety leads as well as securing their life jackets... It was fabulous to watch the joy on the children’s faces has we watched in awe the amazing dolphins. They jumped so high, we couldn’t believe our eyes. I had never seen such a sight, the children squealed so much their parents came running to see what all the commotion was about.

Even the captain appeared; stroking his silver chin, he looked over the side and stated he’d never seen as many dolphins. I decided to get my camera and quickly began clicking whilst those incredible creatures continued to follow the back of the boat.

The rest of our glorious sea journey a board ‘The Captains Delight’ went well. The family were having such a great time... there was lots of laughter, games and food with a Bar-B-Q. When it was time to set off back home, faces looked sad. I quickly realised Kristina and the children knew the senator had to return to the US. How that was going to happen was still a mystery with all the ash still pluming from the volcano, smothering the atmosphere and coating the skies.

“Crystal do we have to go back?” the children cried in unison.

“I’m afraid so but it’s not all bad, I’m planning a very special picnic “

two pairs of rounded blue eyes looked back in surprise.

“A special picnic?” giggles with happy faces ran full pelt towards their mother to inform her of their latest news.

The Boat seemed to be very busy... The captain, Eric and Jake seemed to be having a meeting... I was sat with Kristina deciding the best way to organise the rest of our week... the children sat next to their mother crayoning. I needed to be with the men, I had to know what their security plans were... I wanted to know how they were going to get the senator to the US... Yes, this time had been nice aboard ‘The Captains Delight’ but I think it’s time to return to the villa.

Jake looked over at me and winked.

Eric looked over too; he smiled in a long slow meaningful mused way...

I smiled at them both... finding it utterly exhilarating that every person on board didn’t know my special secret... Oh yes Jake knew I was a protective agent but... he didn’t know my special secret. Mind you, that’s the way it had to be...

A maid has to have some perks to the job!

8. Domestic Service... Life on the ocean wave...

After the shocking discovery of evidence that a peeping tom had been outside my window I felt completely overwhelmed by a scratchy eeriness. Not knowing who or what had been standing in the dark watching me, made me vow to be more prevalent...

Jakes warning of a lack in security played on my mind. After further investigation of premises and staff... results were inconclusive... but definite major steps had been placed in force to eliminate possible security breaches before they occurred... also the security division within the property was being overhauled because of the potential impact it could have on our current situation.

Friday 9/04/10 (pm)

We were all packed and ready for the senator’s welcome surprise trip to stay a few days on a boat called... ‘The Captains Delight’ The children were excited as was their mother Kristina, who babbled excitedly from the start of our journey to its finish.

Balancing at the harbours mouth, I was astounded by the vessels beauty and its sheer size... My precious cargo clung on to me jumping from one foot then the other...

"Crystal... Crystal are we going on now?" squealed little Felicia.

"I want to drive the boat, I want to" cried Max.

The children skipped as I pulled them towards their waiting parents. Domestic staff carried luggage. We proceeded to the gangway to board the boat. Looking back I watched as Jake folded paper and talked to Eric who is head of security. Both deep in conversation, unfortunately I was unable to hear. The walkway moved gently as we all pushed forwards, eager to climb aboard.

The captain welcomed us immediately striking up conversation with the senator. All the while every second of every minute my developed antennas were scanning, searching for possible infiltration.

"Crystal, would you kindly help me with the children, we can settle them before they burst at the seams from excitement"

Laughing, I pulled the children after their mother as we followed one of the ships maids.

I kept a close eye on people, area locations, body language and tones in voices. Before we descended steps to the lower deck, I observed Jake step on board... he nodded a signal to meet later... I nodded in acknowledgement.

Once the children were settled, changed and fed Kristina told me the rest of the day was mine and I could go and investigate the beautiful boat. First though, I went to my allocated room and unpacked my belongings... making sure I knew where everything was just in case of an emergency. The room was small but delightful with lots of shiny wood panelling and the bed perfect with its white linen and lace, I even had a tiny en-suite.

Up on deck I headed for the back of the ship to view a fading shoreline... despite my vow of ensuring lucidity I was startled by Eric, security.

“Apologies I didn’t mean to frighten you” he grinned.

“You didn’t” I replied a little too quickly.

“Beautiful isn’t it?” looking over towards Eric, I watched him lean forwards with arms folded neatly... balancing on the stainless steel rail.

I felt warmth from the late afternoon sun on my skin. I agreed...

“Yes, it's wonderful”

“I’m exploring, would you like to join me?” He asked...

Looking over into his green eyes I nodded.

The next 45minutes with Eric were spent discussing the boat and its possible destination, which seemed by all accounts to be a mystery... but a mystery I understood perfectly. The boat was huge and luxurious with lots of beautiful rooms. The main salon featured a full entertainment center including a 42" Plasma TV/DSS/DVD/CD. The salon also boasted a large sectional sofa and comfortable surroundings. Back on deck we were joined by Jake who advised Eric his dinner was ready and we would join him shortly.

Grinning Eric moved towards double doors and what I thought were flickering crystal lights. I smelt the most wonderful aroma waft towards me, reminding me I was hungry... I recalled my thumping heart as I remembered Eric’s eyes. Looking up quickly I noticed Jake wasn’t smiling but that wasn’t unusual so didn't concern me.

“Crystal whilst the family are having a few days away from the villa, our people are in overhauling the new security measurements”

Looking out to sea Jake did a quick turn to ensure we were alone.

“I have a new device for you but will give it you later; I’ll show you how it operates”

Jake was quiet as if contemplating the niftiness of the new device.

“How are you by the way...? Is everything alright?”

“I’m ok, getting to grips with my role but a bit anxious to be honest... you know about the unknown peeping tom”

“Don’t worry Crystal it won’t happen again, I have nothing else to report at this time except all is up to par. Family are happy but... we may have a problem on our return, the senator has to get back to the U.S. the family will stay at the villa until further notice”

“I'll remain with family?” I whispered looking around.

“Yes, senator will have his own pre-arranged security but there’s a major problem with air space... because of this damn volcano in Iceland and its suffocating ash”

Silence enveloped us again when a voice shouted...

“Come on you two, your dinner's being served”

Without looking, I knew it was Eric... looking around for the umpteenth time, I muttered

“Jake would you like to discuss anything else?”

A curtain of uncertainty covered Jakes eyes...

“No... Nothing else, except Crystal keep your wits about you, even at sea the family are at risk”

As we walked towards the dining area, Jake touched my arm,

“Oh before I forget Crystal, I’ll be calling later with that new device”

Dinner was a wonderful experience; we were joined by the senator and his lovely wife who was still excited just like her delightful children, both by the journey we were on and its unknown destination. The senator was talking to the guys about Tiger woods and Golf, Kristina and I laughed then yawned.

“Well if you’ll excuse me” I said “It’s been another long day, I need to get to bed”

“Of course Crystal” Kristina cried “You have worked so hard, the children will no doubt be up nice and early tomorrow... Is 6.30am ok?”

“Yes that’s absolutely fine, goodnight everybody”

A chorus of goodnights blew up from the dining room table. I caught a fleeting glimpse of Eric’s green eyes and witnessed his silent smile, again I felt the bump, bump, bump of my thumping heart...

6. Domestic Service... Connections...

Remember I don’t make the rules I only enforce them...

Thursday 8/04/10 am.

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday went without any hitches... lots of connections made via bridge-building from all quarters of the senator’s household.

There seemed to be an unspoken hush between all staff members, it felt right it should remain that way. The senator and his family were delightful, warm caring individuals who welcomed me eagerly into their lives. It actually felt like I belonged with them. This improved my job; if I were truly honest it made the planned task easier.

The early mornings and late-nights were painless; in fact I couldn’t wait to get on the job with my own clear-cut knowledge of duty. Jake was amazing in that his organisational skills and communication chapters were informative. Still he was flat, unemotional but I knew clearly there would be no chance of us not getting it right, especially if our fields of communication were kept at this standard and with him at the helm. I for one felt happy.

At the last meet I’d been given a very special if somewhat complicated device. This would quickly allow me to instruct and advise all other special agents within the vicinity. It was literally one press of a button but only once a specific code had been infused with in its framework. I can’t be too graphic with this sensitive material because these things are lethal in the wrong hands. I can share the gadget had many other uses... all of which I felt were very clever and looking at the small device, I knew to the layman it would appear incomprehensible as to what it was for.

Domestic Service. Decisions....

Friday 2/04/10. The Call...

Sitting relaxed with feet up, drinking lukewarm tea with a mindful of thoughts, I heard an unfamiliar ring sending me rushing towards my handbag. I knew it had to be Jake with the decision.

“Hello”

“Crystal its Jake, the news is good... I'll collect you at 9.30am, be ready”

“That’s very welcome news, I...” before I completed my sentence the phone clicked, he was gone.

“How rude” I admonished to myself.

Saturday 3/04/10. The Journey...

The following day, the return journey to the Villa was quietly strained.

“Are the family waiting for me” I asked hesitantly

“No, they’re out but it was by their instruction you were to be on site by the time they returned”

Up ahead the triple gates moved... driving through, I watched two security guys respectively salute towards Jake.

“Where’s Eric” I enquired.

“He’s applying security measures to the property today” I detected a distinct irritation in his demeanour.

Nervous, I felt a little edgy about asking further questions.

“Will I be briefed before the family return?”

“Of course... for now you'll be shown to your room, we will meet in the dining room at 11.30am, before the family return”

Helped to my room which was situated on the ground floor behind the huge kitchen, I was pleasantly surprised at the opulence of my quarters which although not massive... did have en suite with a stunning four poster bed, so I felt extravagantly pampered.

11.30am sharp found me in the dining room, waiting for Jake who I felt was acting unnecessarily distant.

“Sorry I’m late" he smiled "was waiting for Eric to return from his task... I needed further recommendations on his findings”

Looking at Jake I realised I may never fathom the guy out, one second distant the next friendly... possibly one of the most unpredictable people I would ever meet.

“No problem” I gently breathed.

“Ok, Crystal the family will arrive at 2.00pm you are to relax, get to know them especially concentrating on the children... this weekend will be spent getting to know each other... On Monday you’ll commence duties at 6.30am where you'll be expected to get the children ready once they wake... You’ll prepare their breakfast, wash and dress them unless otherwise instructed by parents... Occasionally they sleep till 8.00am but as long as you’re available”.

Jake sat down and pointed to a chair.

“Parents are the ones who for the most part will instruct you but you and I will meet occasionally to catch up... should you suspect something, anything... you know the procedure”

Jakes constant stare made me feel uncomfortable.

“You passed your interview with flying colours, it must be noted that the senator was very well impressed, particularly at the impression you made on his wife and children... It should be said the children even asked for you this morning”

I felt the glow start in my toes and end on the top of my head, just as I had planned... a connection.

“The senator is confident his family have taken you into their hearts and as far as I’m concerned that’s a good thing, just what the service hoped for... well-done”

“Thank you” I gushed

“May I ask how many staff is employed for the Villa?” I queried.

“Yes, the Villa retains a number of staff; 2 maids to assist each other with cleaning... a house-keeper who supervises the maids and cook. Cook also has a maid who assists her in the kitchen and with cooking duties... There‘s an old gardener who is constantly around, he lives in a small dwelling not far from the edge of the property... There are 4 members of security, three you’ve seen... In time I’ll introduce them all to you but for now you must concentrate on our focal point and keep in mind the reason your here”

We were disturbed by a young Spanish maid when the door was pushed opened ...

“Senour, would you like a cup of tea?” Jake’s irritation re-surfaced...

“Crystal would you like tea?”

“Yes that would be very nice” I smiled at the maid as she about turned.

For the first time today I felt truly happy... content in the knowledge I was well on my way to a new life... my instant family had more then doubled... Sitting at the dining room table, I couldn’t wait for the senator and his family to return.

Domestic Service & Liaisons................

Fri 2/04/10. The meeting.......

Up bright and early the hours dragged. I waited impatiently to meet Jake at the hotel reception.

Without smiling “Have you brought all of your belongings? We won’t be returning” he declared.

“Yes all here”

We both helped the porter carry stuff out to the car.

Pushing the packed boot down Jake assumed driving position. Neither one of us spoke. Deep in my own private thoughts I contemplated Jake might want to have some Shhhhh time whilst we weaved our way through the little Spanish town resort.

Jake eventually broke the heavy silence.

“Crystal, the family’s eager to meet you” I watched his knuckles whiten as both hands gripped the leather steering wheel.

“I’m also eager to commence my assignment” I reported.

“Good, good... It’s now 11.45am; we will arrive approximately 1.30pm. The family are staying inland, at a beautiful villa not to far from the coastline. I’ve already made arrangements for you to stay over at a more local hotel this evening... you’ll return to the villa tomorrow”

“Could I not stay tonight” I curiously questioned.

“Definitely not, this is the only way we could do this without stirring up suspicion, also don’t forget, the senators lady thinks this is an interview, so we have to have breathing space after the meet to discuss your suitability for the post”

Jake’s eyes didn’t leave the road.

“Of course” I fell silent. I had so much to learn, so much to experience.

Jake sensed my nerves he semi-smiled.

“You’ll be fine, don’t worry, treat this like a normal interview and above all remember your going to be ok” a sideways glance produced a comical wink which allowed me to breath a sigh of relief.

Turning into a triple gated entrance I knew we were about to arrive.

The site that greeted tired travelled eyes was awe inspiring. The manor-style residence was exceptional, its position amidst tranquil countryside boasted breathtaking countryside views.

Stepping out of the car I observed on the horizon I could just glimpse a hint of the sea. My nostrils twitched immediately as I smelt the sweet aroma from the surrounding wine groves. The property appeared to be distributed around a breath taking central courtyard with a magnificent fountain; the garden surrounding this impressive house had an almost Italian feel to it which had obviously been meticulously maintained. Walking through the already open wide double doors, I saw the internal lay out of the house was designed like so many of the Majorcan designers did for this era, offering a beautiful Spanish feel with large inviting rooms boasting traditional designs.

I quietly sucked my breath inwards has I observed an outstanding pool area from behind, floor to ceiling windows, which were slightly tinted a darker colour its job presumably to reflect the sun. I could see peaceful and tranquil surroundings and from my perspective I knew this was going to be appreciated.

From above the double staircase, I heard loud squeals of laughter from what sounded like two running children, followed closely by protective parents reprimanding them to be careful on the stairs.

Looking up I watched a family descend the white and mahogany staircase. I couldn’t help thinking; these people looked just like celebrities. Both plunged towards me with hands warmly outstretched. After introductions I was joyfully introduced to two gorgeous children. Max aged 9yrs and Felicia aged 7yrs. We all sat down when a member of staff arrived from a facing room with a tea-trolley decked with beautiful fine bone china crockery, each piece delicately decorated with pink and blue flowers. The wafer thin sandwiches and thick cuts of cake adorned the trolley and looked scrumptious. The same member of staff was then asked to take the children off whilst their parents spoke privately with me.

The interview was pleasant but thorough... I was asked about everything and anything. I was asked to produce all my documentation as well as references and qualifications. I was advised immediately that phone calls were to be made as well as fax’s sent imminently, due to the urgent nature of the post. The senator’s lady Kristina advised me she was looking forward to having someone close to her on board. I proceeded to ask questions about the children and their routines before long, an hour and a half had passed. The senator left the room to answer an urgent call, as he opened the door I witnessed Jake standing outside looking in.

Lady Kristina smiled at my visual observation; she said she liked that in a member of staff because that meant they were taking their job seriously.... She spent the next ten minutes talking to me about being fearful for her family’s safety due to her husband’s position.

The door flew open when in gushed two gorgeous, giggling children who lovingly flung their arms around their mother. It was obvious they had a wonderful warm relationship.

Kristina stood apologising for her husband’s disappearance then asked me if I wanted to have a look around the villa with her and the children. On the pool patio, I inhaled the sweet scent from the ripened grapes whilst Kristina babbled on about the role and duties expected from a nanny/maid she informed me I would be expected to accompany the family on days out and a little light cooking would be required just for the children. I was also advised I would have time out to myself on a regular basis but this would be confirmed on positive feedback from my previous employers. I couldn’t help but smile, having the secret buried so deep within my soul made me feel extremely powerful, still.... I was very conscious of scanning the surrounding perimeter as I knew only to well even at this stage I was working.

Back inside curled up with the children reading ‘Winnie the pooh’ I was approached by the senator who advised me it was time to return to the hotel. Kristina looked at me warmly and thanked me for my time... slipping her arm around her husband, she advised me I would be called later once the information had been received. The children jumped from the sofa, scampering off to the kitchen. I thanked them both kindly just as Jake arrived to drive me back to the hotel.

Leaving the Villa, I knew in my heart of hearts more then anything I had to return... I was needed... this was going to be the start of a daring adventure. Jake drove silently towards the triple gates. From a distance I observed a handsome man standing close to the tall gate posts...

“Who’s that?”

“That’s Eric, the senior security officer; he’s waiting for the gate’s security officer to return on site”

“Why didn’t I see security when I arrived?”

“I was wondering the very same thing” Jake said

The electronic gates hissed gently as they opened... Eric tipped his head slowly smiling at me...

“Does he know who I am?” I whispered through clenched lips.

“No, like I said... there’s only the senator and I who know who our protective service agents are”

“So there’s more then one?”

“All you need to know Crystal is your own position, you're role is going to be very important just like this particular assignment”

Jake drove quickly towards the hotel... before he left me at reception he carefully whispered you have your phone, make sure it’s on... I will be calling with news in a few hours and again before I checked in he was gone....

Angel Is Crying.......

Do you know what it sounds like to hear an angel cry... Sometimes if we close our eyes, open our ears and unlock our hearts that lonely hollow void we occasionally feel inside is our angels disparaging despair...

The mirror screamed... my hand flew up clutching the darkest hair I had ever seen in my whole life... Overwhelmed by fuming anger... How could I have been so stupid, letting myself be talked into dying my lovely blonde hair? Leaning forwards for much needed support, I gripped the cold wash basin. I watched dye drip onto cream porcelain, confirmation at just how dark my hair was going to be... Squeezing eyes tight shut against another huge, manifested disappointment... I cried like a baby, not only was my hair going to be terrible it was going to match the rest of how my life was at this precise moment in time.

Minutes ticked by. At my wits end... what to do, what to do? Wash it off... Feeling the warm water spray against my head I observed the thickest, darkest colour mingle with clear water to mix and again prove the nightmare day I was having... Kneeling at the side of the bath not wanting to look in the mirror, I pulled myself up slowly. Yep, the darkness was still wrapped around my head. The smell of chemicals permeates the bathroom, my head bangs with swallowed stress.

"Wash it again" I heard an irritable voice say...

So I did, again then again but still darkness surrounded me. Wrapped in a towel, slumped onto the bed feeling utterly sorry for myself... I received a visitor... not in the mood I ignored the door, then I tried to ignore my mobile when the letter box lifted.

“I know your there” Heart quickening, I decided to go and pretend I'd been sleeping.

Opening the door, I burst into tears... not because I was upset over my hair no; the hair was just the last straw the very last straw...

I was distraught over the loss of my flame, my spark, my light... I felt anxious I didn’t know where it had gone. Every single day I looked hard for it... I found myself questioning the world, the people in it, life... for the first time in a life-time I was wondering... I mean really wondering, what is this all about... I thought I knew everything, been there, done that but in the end I was frightened, scared and alarmed to the point of panic... a million questions with no definitive answer.

I read somewhere a quote by Robert Burns ‘The purpose of life is a life of purpose’ wholeheartedly I agreed... but, now here’s the big never-ending pain in the ass but... I’ve stopped feeling it and for whatever reason at this moment in time my dilemma is why now?

I've always known we walk a path, experience things we do... achieve the things we accomplish... it’s all for a very good reason... to aid us in life to learn, to help, to support, to love, to protect, to cherish, to nurture, in the long run this is to help us move forward in life, so why would a progression be halted when a person is at the happiest they've ever been... I think I know... I think I just answered my own question...

I once read about a man who's name I forget, he said he felt as if life was like a combination but the combination was locked up in the safe... I feel, life is a safe and we all hold our own unique combination the thing is, when we try to unlock the safe another experience is sent to throw us off guard... sometimes those experiences are pleasant... sometimes they're nasty. We all have a fair share of both, but for me... the nasty one has thrown me to the floor, stamped on me and made me lose my key.

They say things happen for a reason.... Let's see what the reason is for this.

Best Friends Forever'n'Always....

Two little girls come together in rather tragic circumstances. A bond is formed, a connection made... Not only does it fuse their innocent hearts together but it firmly glues their spiritual umbilical cord which in turn cements them both together for their life's long journey. For them the magic will last a life-time. But come closer my friend... pull your chair forwards... feeling comfortable? Then let me begin at the very beginning of a disturbing but compelling adventure...

"Best friends are the siblings God forgot to give us."~ unknown

Whilst crunching crisps and talking out loud I looked over affectionately at my beautiful friend Lane, both of us were reminiscing about what was and strangely enough what might have been.

“Personally Lane, I wanted my mother to be perfect, well for heavens sake; mothers should be perfect shouldn't they?” I smiled, winking impishly towards my friend...I automatically knew Lane would agree because the two of us had been brought up in the care system, both of us had experienced the excruciating pain of being raised without mother’s and today we were talking deeply about parents and their absolute importance.

Gulping her favourite wine, she sadly replied in a far away tone “I would loved to have been blessed with a mother who’d taken good care of me”

Looking at my friend, I sensed before I saw that her profound statement had produced big bulbous tears that were now threatening to brim over mascara laced lashes, which darkly framed lovely blue eyes.

I know Lane, it hurts doesn’t it?” Lane squeezed her eyes shut tight, causing a cascade of tears to waterfall.

The memory mist frostily penetrated my mind... I met Lane when I was 6yrs old. On that particular day, I found myself sat on a giant overstuffed arm chair in the big light airy lounge, feeling completely and utterly bored. I’d lived in the care- home from the age of 3yrs... So hearing distressed cries was not unusual but these screams were terrible, I almost felt my own heart stop. Instantly I ran to further investigate. I recall watching a pair of social workers bring in a little girl whose arms and legs were flailing all over the place. Her dark red curly locks bounced around as she wildly pushed and pulled at them. She appeared so lost in her own total abandonment, I knew she felt completely tormented by her overwhelming emotions.

Being all grown up for my 6years, didn’t stop me from feeling overwrought with my own emotion. Big glistening tears surfaced to be roughly wiped away... I was a big girl, I didn't cry! Silently, I edged towards the wild red child whose beautiful blue eyes locked on to me as she hushed to a low grisly whimper, she never took her eyes off me... not for one minute. Momentarily smiling, I held out my tiny hand which surprisingly if somewhat greedily she clasped. Looking up I observed two red faced social workers as they breathed a sigh of relief, intuitively both knew they’d witnessed a bonding... born that very day.

The bonding enveloped 2 small girls who instinctively sensed each others inner sanctity and both knew with desperation that their purity needed protectively embracing; they understandably feared they might lose themselves completely within the wheels of life but looking at each other they knew... they sensed, a connection, an affinity that would never be broken. It was then I remember that Lane stopped crying but she still insisted holding on tight.

My world wobbled...

When the world throws stuff at us and it seems to be one thing after another, there’s bound to be an overload... Consequently if we’re not prepared we momentarily wobble...

Not a nice feeling, all those highly charged confused emotional thoughts jumbled together with mixed-up feelings which often seem to be very unsure in which direction to blow...

Unfortunately we usually throw them at those closest to us. This can be a bad idea but for the most part I’ve seen and experienced it to be completely understood... usually as a rule, after the cool down period kicks in... On the other hand in some cases it could be sucked inwards, from all accounts that’s not a good idea either and will eventually result in complete melt-down. Some people seem to wobble then swiftly get over it. Others seem to take a little longer but still they surface on the other side none the worse after their ordeal... Sadly there are others who rock and reel from their dreadful experiences after it turns into their worst nightmare. Trial after trial they feel tormented by their worst suffering. Eventually this leaves them no choice but to seek medical intervention... if they don’t seek help then eventually they have it forced upon them, usually because they’ve become unresponsive to professionals, family and friends whose anxiety for their safety becomes paramount.

It’s sad when you know something’s wrong yet your unable to describe the problem. On occasion I've heard People say to the affected person, what’s wrong? The age old answer returns time and time again... I don’t know, if I knew I’d sort it out. The body is a magical instrument, it has its very own safety device to help us out even if it has to temporarily shut us down whilst we recover and heal... In my own wobble I was totally amazed at the way my sleep pattern doubled in length and each day I clearly recognised a calmer feeling return inside. When this happens, confidence starts to return and you begin to feel more reassured about your health including your surroundings. If you’re fortunate enough to have family and friends, it's been well documented that your recovery time speeds up. We mustn't lose sight though that in taking that one step forward it can be two steps back...

Sadly from what I’ve been advised about our lonely isolated individuals, is that it can take slightly longer... but I’m hopeful, if your out there in the big wide world and skilfully one of life’s many observers then will you please kindly stretch out your supportive hands to help... we all need somebody. We also need to be good role models. My declaration..... Is this, if I spot you my friend that somebody will be me?

Links....Mental Health Links. http://www.ukppg.org.uk/links.html

“There’s an Angel out there with your name on... they'll walk with you to light up you're way... Never lose faith... keep your minds open... the message is there; just sometimes it takes a while to understand as their whisper is always so near..... Author Jane Rowlands. 11-03-10

‘Make it Memorable'

This week I’m supposed to be concentrating on getting my act together...

My third attempt at trying to be methodical. Writing important lists and adhering to them, calculating my time... checking my space and chilling while I accomplish great feats. Then what happened? Well... I promise I was very good at first, concentrating on my research..... ticking important tasks off one by one, when I opened an email. It was from one of my favourite websites ‘Glimmer train’ It was so interesting to hear and see the latest news and views with articles that always manage to intrigue me when I clicked on a name ‘Lee Martin’ Deepening Character. Initially I smiled because in my haste I thought it read Lee Marvin.... Lee Martin is professor of English & Director of creative writing at Ohio University. Mr Martin is also an author and was a finalist in the 2006 Pulitzer Prize in fiction.

What an interesting piece. I believe I've read it just at the right time. Being sidetracked from my own research I discovered in his article a profound sentence which made so much sense to me... but until I’d read it, I realised I'd not given much thought to his advice... Many years ago he was advised to remember to make his writing memorable. Getting to grips with his article, I realised in a light bulb moment just like him I always want to rush things (In the literary sense) I go full steam ahead, hurrying. I’m always eager to make things happen the quicker the better. I realised I too was always on the lookout for an odd/strange/weird plot giving little thought to my characters motivation. In his article Lee emphasises, write something that won’t get out of your readers head....something memorable!

I don’t suppose Lee Martin will ever read this commentary, but happily it reiterates to me what I learn on a daily basis and that is... I will never tire of realising that I’ll never know who’ll read my work and I suppose for the most part I’ll never know it's affect, if any!

Today I’ve miraculously found that lost enthusiasm which has definitely brought back my motivation. Maybe just maybe that best seller is on the tip of my tongue; all I need to do now is concentrate more on my characters, allowing them to flourish, thrive and prosper or maybe not....depending of course on the conspiracy as well as on the plots...

So much to learn....so much to see... so much to share and so much to accomplish! Yeahhhhhhhh I really do need silence if I'm to save this world..... :) xxx