Saturday, 14 April 2012

Franz Kafka...

Had I wrote so much earlier...  I know as if by magic, I would have deepened the noise in my head and embraced the senses I was born with.... Author Jane Ewen

I tell myself it’s quite important to regularly find out something new and interesting about our literary world. Today I read something that would be one of my worst nightmares. (Metamorphosis)

I learned about a guy called Franz Kafka Born: 3/07/1883 ~ Died: 3/06/1924 age 40years, 11months the eldest of six children. He died from starvation; sadly he was reported to have an eating disorder as well as tuberculosis.  It’s reported that Kafka’s writing didn’t really attract much attention until after his death.  On his death he’d requested that his literary friend destroy all his written work, diaries, notebooks, letters and documents. This request was ignored and although frustratingly there was no order to Kafka’s works because quite often he would start writing in the middle of a note book, they were published.

One of his earlier works a novella called was published in 1915. It begins with a traveling salesman, Gregor Samsa, waking to find himself transformed into a monstrous insect-like creature. It’s interesting and worth noting that the characters in The Metamorphosis appear to be based on himself and family...

When I read that he’d written a letter to his father in response to his father asking why he was always so afraid of him, I was amazed to see that there were 103 pages which Franz wrote to his emotionally abusive father... It reminded me of the letter I wrote to my mother, and I recall thinking, I sincerely hope he got the healing closure that so many of us need when we’ve been treated badly... without thought or love, made to feel totally inadequate, unlovable and uncertain. It seriously damages children so much, and takes years to come to terms with, that’s if we ever do... Instantly I felt a connection to Franz.

"The tremendous world I have inside my head. But how (to) free myself and free it without being torn to pieces. And a thousand times (I’d) rather be torn to pieces than retain it in me or bury it. That indeed, is why I am here, that is quite clear to me." ( F. Kafka Quote )

The people who are no longer here on our beautiful planet and the ones I’d really like to meet... I have to say I think, Franz Kafka would definitely be on my too-meet  list.

Saturday, 7 April 2012

The Letter...

A young girl is viciously murdered by a serial killer, and whilst like a depraved animal he roughly drags away her lifeless body, he then involuntarily drops her in shock, as he feels brute force pull her away from his grasp...

On the other side of beyond, she sits like a ragdoll in a daze as two of heavens watchers approach her. They introduce her to some special news ~ she’s to write a ‘letter from heaven’. They then tell her she is going to be allowed a visitation and whilst gathering all this information to the front of her mind, she knows the hardest part for her, is going to be seeing her parents and siblings, suffer the devastating effects of being told their daughter is dead... The story unfolds through the eyes of an innocent girl’s journey. She knows she’s being given a golden opportunity, so needs to write words of comfort, with exact tone, to help her grieving family come to terms and hopefully make sense of a senseless act of inhumanity...  

I’ve been softly advised that the very moment I open my eyes I’ll see my mother, It’s also been explained, that unfortunately she will be extremely sad, and worse still, won’t be able to see me.
So for what seems like an eternity, I stand in the same spot with eyes closed, too terrified to move a muscle ... The whole of my being screams silently into the darkness. I very much want to see, however, I know seeing my mother won’t fix the world, squeezing my eyes tighter, I feel huge tears slide out from between closed eyelashes; escaping quickly they cascade like a waterfall. As I fully open damp eyes, there she sits on her sofa, crying big deep, harsh, guttural sobs from utter despair. My heart thumps to witness her agony, but what hurts more is I know the situation will disintegrate completely, once my family know what’s really happened. It’s as if for now, time stands still... Sitting there in her own stillness, I’m so sensitively aware she’s unknowing and completely oblivious to my plight, she isn’t aware that I’m dead... In her world I’m missing, but quite shockingly I’ve passed over, and for now my family think I’m simply missing.

(3 hours previously)
I’m reeling from the shock of landing so suddenly slap/bang in a new world...

You can imagine how overwhelmingly confused I am.   Once here, I meet two people who introduce themselves as Watchers, Mary and Dylan. Taking in the new occupants, I can’t help but sense a fine vibration of the most beautiful musical sound; I’ve ever heard softly playing in the background. The background is a pulsating colour of cream ’n’ lemon. I can’t see anything specific, all I feel is a hazy, comfortable warmth, and all I see in this creamy lemon new world, is grey like shadows, as if I’m being observed, but strangely I don’t make out any other figures.
Mary looks comforting though, like she’s someone’s mum; her reassuring manner immediately puts me at ease. She confirms what’s happened to me. Miserably I whisper how much I wish I’d listened to my mum’s advice. Dylan, who looked like a clean cut, boy band member, quickly advises... even if you’d done that, it would not have made any difference at all, it would simply have taken longer in terms of time.

Sitting under the gaze of what seems like two very nice people, my heart instinctively realises taking the short cut through such a badly lit, remote place was a crazy, stupid thing to do.  
I heard his footsteps, I saw his shadow, but horrendously he was on me before I knew what was happening. When I fell forward my head hit a large rock; initially I was thankfully knocked out, so didn’t witness or feel the appalling things he carried out... I recall briefly coming around, and felt pressure on top of me, my eyes opened which I know must have startled him; he obviously thought I was already dead. For a split second I remember the gut wrenching horror of it all, and then as his right arm cruelly slam’s down into my already broken head, it’s over, I am gone, finished, kaput...  

Breaking into this mind-blowing moment, Mary’s maternal hand reached out, she tells me not to dwell on what’s happened. She further says, this is the way it’s meant to be, and the reason will become clear. Dylan smiles, comments on my bravery, and then grandly proclaims, the good news is...  for the first time ever, ever, ever  you are going to be allowed to return home, to see your mother, and during that short time, you’ll get the opportunity to write a letter... The letter will be marked,  ‘A Letter From Heaven’  We’ve been told you can write whatever you want, and this will be a first important step that will give you and your family closure to the horrific way you left your earth family. It will also give your mother and family much needed reassurance.  

(3 hours later)
Unable to move, I stand still for what seems like forever.  Magically I’m surrounded by all that use to be so familiar. The distressing sounds of my mother’s tears break my heart, but I know I have to use this golden opportunity to the best of my ability. I couldn’t help but wonder why of all people they chose little old me to send this very special letter from heaven. I’m thankful, and know clearly I have to get this right.

Yes of course I’m sad my life’s been cut short, after all I’m only 16 years old, but it’s strange, don’t ask me how I know, but I know the person responsible will get caught, he won’t hurt another living being, because during his captivity, something accidental is going to happen, and he’ll no longer be in the land of the living. All my knowledge, my senses tumble in on me... this is truly unbelievable, but I know this is my fate, my end, my beginning and yes even my future.  
Tentative, I step towards my mother; I watch has she seemingly stirs to my presence, it’s then I hear the front door.  My father, looks as if his life-force has been mechanically drained from him, he shuffles in flanked by three ashen faced police officers.

Don’t ask me why, but I start to count... One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, sixth sense advices me to leave the room. Back pressed firmly against the lounge door, I shake as I hear my mother scream. Deep breath, I need to be mindful of time and the task in hand.
In my room I sit with hands and face pressed gently against an ageless desk... whilst feeling the coolness from its wood, I sense almost overwhelming, horrifying details of my demise, as they’re being given to my parents. I hear the front door go again; in rush my brothers and then, an appalling slice of silence like crushed ice embraces the property.

Sitting still, tightly grasping heaven’s silver pen between my fingers, I start my letter.

To my beautiful family,
When you read this, I know you won’t be able to comprehend the thought, that for us the impossible has happened. I’m still in shock myself, but sadly I know you won’t be able to confirm with me, how it’s been made amazingly possible for me to communicate with you from beyond this life. Despite the unimaginable, I’m sat in my room composing this lifeline of a letter, whilst you’re all downstairs being given the terrible news that I’ve been horrifically taken away from you.

Mum please forgive me, I’m so sorry I went home that way after drama class ,I know you always tell me the right thing to do, how I wish with all my heart I’d listened... The people I’ve met on the other side, tell me, even if I‘d listened, my end would have happened at some point... it seems we all have a time, and a place... Mine’s up, I’m needed elsewhere. 
The purpose to this letter is to assist us all if possible and help us come to terms with what’s happened... for me its proof of what I always suspected but never knew for sure... I’ll miss you all so much; my heart is breaking because I can still hear your cries. I need to share with you that my passing over was quick; I didn’t feel anything, except the pain of knowing I’d never be with you again.

Please do not waste any time going over the worry of what ‘s‘ happened, I am ok, and even though I don’t want to leave you, I am ready to move forward to see what heaven has in store for me... I met a lady called Mary, she told me it will all become clear, mum, dad it already has, I know life is for living, it’s also for learning and with you as my family, I’ve been blessed to learn lots... I will leave you with this, the person who hurt me, won’t hurt anyone else. You will all be ok and mum, you were the best mum ever, I don’t want any of you to worry, and if you do, you will only end up holding me back. Please take are and remember always how much I love you all. I have to go now Mary and Dylan have come; your cries are subsiding so I feel I can leave... Thank you for everything especially your love, I will take that to heaven with me and treasure it always.
If you want me just call, if I can, I will turn back just so I can let you know I am well. Please mum, don’t cry, you know I get upset when you do.
One last thing, Dylan is telling me, when you read this it will bring you both a mixture of peace and joy, if you show anyone else , all they’ll see, are empty pages.... that’s the beauty of heaven, it’s magical.  

Love you Mum and Dad, Love you Gary an Ian ... One last thing mum, Mary just told me your going to have another baby, a girl ... Wow, I really must come back for that.

I re-read  to ensure I’d told them everything... my heart is full, I'm warm. Mary and Dylan stand quite close. I Smile.
"Thank you for giving me this wonderful opportunity"

I take my letter, I repeatedly kiss the kisses... I breathe in my lasting words, words and thoughts my family will get to read and hopefully understand.   I feel an enormous pull on not wanting to leave, and whilst I promise myself never to forget this moment, I lay the letter flat on my dressing table... Silence permeates my room.
“May I say goodbye?”

Smiles widen in acknowledgement.
I leave to say a final farewell, and for the first time I get a real sense of what I’m actually preparing to do. Stepping into the familiar lounge I see a sight that I know will never leave me, all my family lovingly huddled together in a tight group... 

Mary and Dylan take a hand each, and as we move towards the next world,
I tearfully whisper... Goodbye.