Sunday, 30 June 2013

Where Dreams May Roam...

I long earnestly to hug the small child who lives within... From an early age I have always had a sense of her complete and utter sadness... In the beginning, I didn’t realise that this little girl would stay with me forever, and it wasn’t until I grew to be of a certain age that I witnessed her smile for the very first time... With her cheeky cherubic smile my world lit-up like a Christmas tree, and from that memorable day onwards, I knew everything was going to be alright... I'd like to dedicate this post to all who have known that their inner child is with them, and has always been a very special part of  their lives...  
I have often wondered... where did she come from? How did she get here and how long was she going to stay... I sense so much about my little dweller, and strangely enough the times she made herself visible to me, was when I was at my saddest.

I recall the very first time I met her; I was recovering from watching something so disturbing that I’d decided to hide behind furniture. I sat shivering and shaking, holding my hands before my eyes, not able to make any meaning out of what I’d just seen... when suddenly I felt her presence. Jumping nervously, I expected to see my big, bad, mean mother... she would always bend on all fours, just like a wild animal, and try to get me out from behind our big, old musty sofa. But no, this time mother wasn’t there.  Instead the blue eyed child, with big, sad teary eyes stared at me in silence.   
“What?” I whispered from behind ice, cold hands.

The little girl did not answer, she just continued to stare.
Then all of a sudden the door banged really loudly, and the big, bad mother screamed,

“I will get you Lady Jane, and believe you me; you’ll regret the day that you were born”

My skin started to tingle, my heart raced even harder, because unfortunately I knew what was going to happen next... she was going to find me, grab hold of whatever she could hang on to, shake me till my teeth rattled in my head, and then she would violently drag me screaming towards the cellar door...  
This time though she didn’t bend down on all fours, instead with super human strength, she yanked the big old sofa away from me... her red, sweaty face contorted now with rage, looked at me with a hatred I never could quite understand, and as her long dark brown hair flew through the air, she viciously grabbed me... In slow motion I witnessed my own hand reach out towards my little friend and as she grabbed it, I felt that her little hand was also freezing cold... but holding onto her, I felt the most incredible relief because I didn’t feel so alone.

Whilst the big, bad mother shook, pushed, screeched and swore my little friend never once let go. Not even when the cellar door crashed open, and we were pushed down rickety, wooden steps, to land in a crying heap on to cold grey paving slabs. The greyish light from a tiny broken window, shed just enough brightness for me to see my small friend scuttle closer to me, and then we both heard the slam of the door.  
This was the start of a forever friendship... My friend never gave a smile, she never spoke a word, but I knew without a shadowing doubt, that the connection to her and I was something that would unquestionably last forever.

In those formative years the cruelty continued and our connection remained.
When I was tiny I didn’t realise how special the connection was, not until that is, I got a little older and I started to question her existence.

The sad, blue eyed child always appeared when I was stressed, tired or frightened. I never questioned her appearance, I was always so glad to see her.  The cruelty, the hatred and our chaotic world of loneliness, was easier to bear with her around. However as time passed, I did realise that despite myself getting older, she never changed... it was as if she was stuck in a kind of time-warp of emotional damage, where she’d decided not to develop but more to simply exist.
I did know one thing though, and that was I grew to love her like no other. The things we lived through were witnessed between us, and the eye contact we often held said more than words ever could.

I guess the day I saw her smile was a tremendous breakthrough for me, because that was the day I knew beyond everything, that it was all going to be ok. All I was left with was the immeasurable thought that I needed to hold her, to bestow upon her as much love as I could, because this little girl had held it all in, contained and packaged all the untold hurt, just so that I got to share the burden. This ultimately made sure I survived the horror filled, neglectful, damaged, hurtful upbringing any child should ever have to endure... And even though my little friend is still around, I have yet to give her a hug, then again, an absolute fear is that she’ll go away, and to be honest, I never want her to leave because she is such a big part of me as I am of her.  
The very important thing about living with inner children, is that when you heal, they heal...

© 2013 Jane Ewen
Picture shared from Google: Artist Unknown...

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Dreams, Wishes & Feelings...

Right now my friend all I know is that I’ve been fortunate enough to grow in an ever-changing world, and no matter what, I will never... not ever, let go of my dreams...

DREAMS... I have a few, all involve my beautiful family.

WISHES... are for my voice to be eventually heard, as well as all the emotion contained within each word and setting. And if it doesn’t sound conceited, I am hopeful it will allow others to experience it to the full.   

FEELINGS... that they persist in being continuous and they are never far away from a single thought.

I am always surprised where the journey takes me...

Stepping out of one’s comfort zone in terms of what one writes is mind blowing to say the least... Very often I find myself talking about facts, the past, present and future. I discuss how I feel, what I perceive others may believe.  It always feels extremely important for me to share a lot of deep, often confusing experiences that usually becomes clearer as I go on to discuss further within my own world of words... I always disclose my writing to be therapeutic, and holding hand on heart, I continue to confirm that for me, this is so... I always find myself to be comfortingly realistic, with incessant remarks about my lack of education; I very often wonder where I might have been today, had my parents been different or if my upbringing had been a little closer to normal... Other times I feel a little melancholy, especially when I think I might have been a bit more receptive to possible opportunities... Who knows, had my life taken a different path I might even have been an accomplished author... Writing words and thoughts full to bursting, impregnated with my own unique expressions, and novels to delight all the people I want to spiritually and blissfully touch.  

Every day I feel the need to progress with my writing, I very often write and don’t share... I have two novels on the go and with any possible luxury of spare time; these will get worked on...  Just as much as words are terribly important, so are people... family, friends & strangers.  I feel I have an affinity with all of human kind... I will profess to liking animals, but not as much as humans. I am able to stand next to a complete stranger, and feel an amazing amount of information, and on occasion if they turn to me, we can become engulfed in conversation and it naturally feels like we have know each other for years.   I quite often find myself feeling another’s pain, happiness, disappointment and I have to make sure that I tell myself in no uncertain terms, that those experiences are happening to another and not to me... I have discovered that feeling someone else’s emotions at such an incredible intensity, may mean I have the qualities of an Empath, and I guess this is why it’s taken me, heaven knows how many years to be able to distance myself to such an extent, so that when I receive another’s energy, it doesn’t make me unwell.
I don’t proclaim to know it all, I believe I’ve learned a lot but I also believe I have a heck of a lot to learn... This is why I consider myself to be blessed, and it’s also why I live in hope that the PLOT will thicken...