Her Darkness...

Image from Pinterest

 

To look, you wouldn’t think she had a dark mind. But she has…

Over the years, darkness had collected pockets of light and mercifully this was her salvation, her enlightenment, which usually turned out to be her get out of jail card. She always thought the journey would be filled with mist and overrun with negativity, but she was proved wrong when those pockets of light appeared. In each mysterious pocket, there lived a century of light, love, laughter and despite any darkness, there was a rich history. It turns out she had a billion topics to explore, a million journeys to live, with a thousand loves, to love.

She was luckier than most, and learned, not just from her own mistakes, she also learned from others. She deemed that responsible for the keys to her life, and she knew, those who touched her life were the locks that held her keys so snugly.

She used the dark for many things, her stories are endless... and I recall she told me several times that the dark can be scary, but I was to remember how it could also be comforting. 

 

MJ Ewen

My Dear Little Janie-kins...

Beautiful Image used with the permission of Clare Colette Smith.

Imagine if we were pre-programmed and able to write a letter to our much younger self... Mine would go something like this...  Please bear in mind the way I’ve written it, is given that I already know so much about what’s played out in this life... However I would want to direct most of my wisdom, sensitivity and love to the small, defenceless, lovable child...

Dearest darling Jane ...

you are such a wonderful little girl. It’s terribly important you recognise that in life some of the adults around you are unfortunately damaged... Sadly my darling girl, they don’t know how to treat a beautiful soul and they definitely don’t have any people skills... It's such a crying shame, that at the beginning of your life you're going to be surrounded by individuals who struggle to interact and neither do they know how to communicate. It will be because of them that you and your siblings will unfortunately suffer... Now I know all of that must sound a little scary, but I more than anyone  appreciate that you knowing all this extra information, will help you to be less anxious when all the bad things happen. You need to understand it’s NOT your fault and remember that these unfortunate individuals, sadly lack in even the basic principles of parenting. They don't know how to be child friendly and most of the time they will be totally inappropriate... exposing you to so much stuff, things that no child should see... But take note Janie, its imperative you read every single word, understand every sentence and share it with your siblings. I write in the hope that it spares all of you the incredible hurt and loneliness that will isolate you, causing untold distress. The suffering that you’ll feel when you’re finally abandoned will not last. I want you to close your eyes tight and remember, in the end they will have done you a great big favour. When it does happen, it will be the making of you. You my darling will blossom and flourish beyond your wildest dreams.  

I hope you’ll be able to use this message, and develop a beautiful, shiny shell that will completely protect you when the going gets tough... Keep remembering how wonderful, caring, loving and extraordinary you are. Hold all of that very close and when you’re being beaten and abused, remember my lovely, close those beautiful eyes, go to your special place and know that the person responsible is sick. It’s not your fault...  The good thing is you’ll come through it all and vecause of who you are, you'll will be alright.

One day gorgeous girl the world will be brighter and you will be the princess that no one told you about. You'll live in a nice home, own clean clothes and take a bubble bath. But my darling, your unfortunate early life will always be led by ‘strangers’ however some of those strangers will be rather special and from each one of them, you will get an essence of the beauty in their characters... now listen Jane, that doesn’t happen for everyone. No, when you're a big girl, the special bits you’ll get, will help make you who you are and the big thing here darling, is the bits you do get, are very special because you get to choose. Keep in mind though Janie, even nasty people have an element of niceness hiding within their character... You don’t know it yet but sweetheart, you’re going to be so lucky because you’ll get to choose all of those best bits for yourself. 

I’m going to leave you with my love and the one thing I’d like to do more than anything my lovely little munchkin, is gather you up, look deep into your eyes, connect and then hug you like you’ve never been hugged before... just to show you there is a world full of love waiting and one day you will hold it all... now don’t forget... you’re a beautiful girl and wonderful things are going to happen! One more thing, I will always be close and even when you don’t see me, you will super sense me and you'll never feel alone.  

I love you little lady.

Especially yours,

Jane xxxx

 

Curiosity, Life & Dreams...

Whether you wish to silently watch, vocally interact or seek out unanswered questions, the act of seeking to quench ones inquisitive thinking is usually linked to a thirst for knowledge of what might, could, would or should have been... Or even a deep desire to learn or know about things that don’t really concern us anymore... I guess there is always the chance that Curiosity may also bring unforeseen, unwanted information.  But isn’t that what Curiosity is all about? ... So if you look, peek and wonder... be ready for the unknown, and remember you might not always like what you see, hear or find out...  From my own sensitivity I know without doubt, that the people who have been in my life were meant to be, and I’ve always understood how sad it can be to think that some of them are unable to stay, but again that’s how it’s meant to be... When a gorgeous soul steps into our lives, they are there for a reason, a moment or a season... some choose to stay, some need to go, but hey that’s ok...  

I think many of us might be guilty of occasionally feeling the itch of curiosity. Then there’s the old proverb ‘Curiosity killed the Cat’ which warns of the dangers of needless investigating, inspecting or experimenting ... My guess is that a good old dose of this electric emotion can be positively healthy, and might even enable us to place answers to unanswered questions, that may occasionally rise to the surface... This inquisitive form of thinking allows individuals to investigate and learn what might have been, or more importantly, why it wasn’t. I think in the past most of my own intermittent curiosities are super connected to what might have been, and if choices or the way my life’s path progressed, voluntary or involuntary were for the best.

I am glad to say that to date and with everything I currently know, my choices have been correct and if in the past I didn’t have a choice at the way something materialised, thankfully it was still for the best. I believe I am where I should be... My life, the people in it and the people I have yet to meet are just where I want them. I also believe I am definitely the luckiest of ladies, because the majority of my life’s experiences have been beneficial in teaching me all I know about life and love... I am open to new ideas and I believe I am realistic in my dreams... despite several of life’s knock-backs; I have much to look forward to. In my most reflective moments of the day, I quite often wish those around me, as well as absent friends the very, very best of everything.  I was only thinking the other day, the best part about getting older is the warmth that penetrates your spirit when you smile because a friend is happy, or you hear good news.

I especially love writing... I don’t profess I’ll ever be a literary legend; I don’t even proclaim to write correctly. I would make a guess that other accomplished writers will see plenty of mistakes, but I do passionately declare that at all times I am professional, I am especially careful with what I say and share. I also try to think of others, and I consistently emanate respect... I don’t believe I have even touched the tip of the iceberg with my thoughts and ideas, although right now I’d say, it’s unfortunate that I am too busy to be able to concentrate on my absolute dream.  However I believe that very soon I’ll be in more of a position to focus fully on where I hope my voice will take me... 

We are fortunate, and I am always in awe of the sights, sounds and human connections that are often made. I love to see beautiful pictures from other countries and I repeatedly recognise how lucky I am to be able to see those things... I never forget what the internet; the news has opened up for us all... absolutely amazingly inspirational.

So friend, if you’re still here reading this article with me... then please let me thank you as well as remind you to never lose your sense of Curiosity, it could possibly be the one thing that brings answers and love into your life. 

Angel Jane  

“Life is wonderful when you're the one to write it.”
― Coco J. Ginger

Dreams, Wishes & Feelings...

Right now my friend all I know is that I’ve been fortunate enough to grow in an ever-changing world, and no matter what, I will never... not ever, let go of my dreams...

DREAMS... I have a few, all involve my beautiful family.

WISHES... are for my voice to be eventually heard, as well as all the emotion contained within each word and setting. And if it doesn’t sound conceited, I am hopeful it will allow others to experience it to the full.   

FEELINGS... that they persist in being continuous and they are never far away from a single thought.

I am always surprised where the journey takes me...

Stepping out of one’s comfort zone in terms of what one writes is mind blowing to say the least... Very often I find myself talking about facts, the past, present and future. I discuss how I feel, what I perceive others may believe.  It always feels extremely important for me to share a lot of deep, often confusing experiences that usually becomes clearer as I go on to discuss further within my own world of words... I always disclose my writing to be therapeutic, and holding hand on heart, I continue to confirm that for me, this is so... I always find myself to be comfortingly realistic, with incessant remarks about my lack of education; I very often wonder where I might have been today, had my parents been different or if my upbringing had been a little closer to normal... Other times I feel a little melancholy, especially when I think I might have been a bit more receptive to possible opportunities... Who knows, had my life taken a different path I might even have been an accomplished author... Writing words and thoughts full to bursting, impregnated with my own unique expressions, and novels to delight all the people I want to spiritually and blissfully touch.  

Every day I feel the need to progress with my writing, I very often write and don’t share... I have two novels on the go and with any possible luxury of spare time; these will get worked on...  Just as much as words are terribly important, so are people... family, friends & strangers.  I feel I have an affinity with all of human kind... I will profess to liking animals, but not as much as humans. I am able to stand next to a complete stranger, and feel an amazing amount of information, and on occasion if they turn to me, we can become engulfed in conversation and it naturally feels like we have know each other for years.   I quite often find myself feeling another’s pain, happiness, disappointment and I have to make sure that I tell myself in no uncertain terms, that those experiences are happening to another and not to me... I have discovered that feeling someone else’s emotions at such an incredible intensity, may mean I have the qualities of an Empath, and I guess this is why it’s taken me, heaven knows how many years to be able to distance myself to such an extent, so that when I receive another’s energy, it doesn’t make me unwell.

I don’t proclaim to know it all, I believe I’ve learned a lot but I also believe I have a heck of a lot to learn... This is why I consider myself to be blessed, and it’s also why I live in hope that the PLOT will thicken...

~AngelJane~ 

 

My Father...

The big question for me this week was something I’ve been concentrating on for a little while... Although I have to profess, I don’t quite have all the answers but you know how I love to share, waffle and divulge.  Come on pull up a chair and stay a few moments, I would love to talk to you...

I use to think I was a dreamer and I suppose to some extent a lot of us might have that delightful trait securely fixed within our own wonderful personalities ... but recently oh how I've wistfully looked back on vague and distant memories of my father. It's made me wonder if a part of me is like he was. The thing I know more than anything about my dad, is that when I was little, I missed him so much... he was never around, but I will never forget the bond I had with him... When I did get to see him I recall I’d quietly watch him, and wonder what made him tick. (Due to the way I was brought up) When I did get to see him, I would usually feel a deep sense of sadness because here was my very own dad, but I didn’t really know him...  When I was small, I would sit quietly to observe him. To this day I still remember the way he'd sit in his chair, the way his blue eyes would flicker from side to side, and I’d know instinctively he was thinking... to me he was always the thinker, a mystical force that I'd fantasise about. I wanted to be near him, and have him tell me he was proud of me, that he loved me, but mostly, I wanted him to be the dad I remembered. I'd reminisce vividly how I use to believe I was able hear him think... Sad wonder is, I never actually heard/saw or understood his thoughts or the man he was.  To this day, I still wish it would be possible to sit with him, and ask all the many unanswered questions...  

 

Parents are so terribly important in our lives, their input is massive in terms of our development, but where the hell does one go when faced with the loneliness of being brought up and living in the company of strangers... Let me tell you this... Yes I believe their absence impacted on me, and my siblings, but in the long run I’ve personally come to no harm from not having a family, despite wanting one that I would have loved deeply... Instead I had a different upbringing. In many ways I was lonely, but my past I'd describe as character forming, with a whole load of empty longing.

 

Despite everything, life still managed to magically instil in me many things that have become super important... The amazing thing is that I know who I am, where I came from, where I’ve been and where there is yet for me to go... I believe the past is what makes us, and I agree with all the current quotes... The past does not define, but it sure as hell has a major input into personality... I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again for the benefit of any readers who have been through the same or even similar experiences...  what happened in my childhood was NOT my fault, the people to blame are the adults who were around...The sad thing is how much they lost out, but thank god I made sure I broke the circle. My child was not beaten, neglected and neither was she abused...  why the hell would anyone do that to another? So if you’re reading this and blaming your upbringing for something you've done or are presently doing ... FORGET IT... You’re in control, you’re the adult and it’s up to you to do the right thing... All I understand is that children, life, including every single, living being are important and super precious. We don’t get this time back, so we have to do the right thing... make the right choices... No excuses... NONE!!

No matter what you’ve been through, you have to try your very best in life, don’t paint everyone with the same brush, because this will only hold you back, and might even paralyse. So come on embrace life... believe me, you’ll find what you put in, you’ll get back.  Be yourself, be real, don’t have a hidden agenda, just bring your lovely personality to life, and share unconditionally...

Life is too short to do anything else!


I really do believe in being mindful of people’s feelings and despite writing about my past, present and future... I sincerely hope others recognise I take my written words seriously... I do not wish to lay blame, hurt or accuse anyone... I simply want to write truth as I understand and perceive it. I dont know how it happened, but I've magically grown from a very dysfunctional family background. I think I can safely say because of the vast and varied different input, I have been so lucky and managed to find the real me...  And that is always worth celebrating...

Breathe... Focus... Relax...

Stay close.