Saturday, 6 April 2013

My Father...

The big question for me this week was something I’ve been concentrating on for a little while... Although I have to profess, I don’t quite have all the answers but you know how I love to share, waffle and divulge.  Come on pull up a chair and stay a few moments, I would love to talk to you...
I use to think I was a dreamer and I suppose to some extent a lot of us might have that delightful trait securely fixed within our own wonderful personalities ... but recently oh how I've wistfully looked back on vague and distant memories of my father. It's made me wonder if a part of me is like he was. The thing I know more than anything about my dad, is that when I was little, I missed him so much... he was never around, but I will never forget the bond I had with him... When I did get to see him I recall I’d quietly watch him, and wonder what made him tick. (Due to the way I was brought up) When I did get to see him, I would usually feel a deep sense of sadness because here was my very own dad, but I didn’t really know him...  When I was small, I would sit quietly to observe him. To this day I still remember the way he'd sit in his chair, the way his blue eyes would flicker from side to side, and I’d know instinctively he was thinking... to me he was always the thinker, a mystical force that I'd fantasise about. I wanted to be near him, and have him tell me he was proud of me, that he loved me, but mostly, I wanted him to be the dad I remembered. I'd reminisce vividly how I use to believe I was able hear him think... Sad wonder is, I never actually heard/saw or understood his thoughts or the man he was.  To this day, I still wish it would be possible to sit with him, and ask all the many unanswered questions...  
Parents are so terribly important in our lives, their input is massive in terms of our development, but where the hell does one go when faced with the loneliness of being brought up and living in the company of strangers... Let me tell you this... Yes I believe their absence impacted on me, and my siblings, but in the long run I’ve personally come to no harm from not having a family, despite wanting one that I would have loved deeply... Instead I had a different upbringing. In many ways I was lonely, but my past I'd describe as character forming, with a whole load of empty longing.
Despite everything, life still managed to magically instil in me many things that have become super important... The amazing thing is that I know who I am, where I came from, where I’ve been and where there is yet for me to go... I believe the past is what makes us, and I agree with all the current quotes... The past does not define, but it sure as hell has a major input into personality... I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again for the benefit of any readers who have been through the same or even similar experiences...  what happened in my childhood was NOT my fault, the people to blame are the adults who were around...The sad thing is how much they lost out, but thank god I made sure I broke the circle. My child was not beaten, neglected and neither was she abused...  why the hell would anyone do that to another? So if you’re reading this and blaming your upbringing for something you've done or are presently doing ... FORGET IT... You’re in control, you’re the adult and it’s up to you to do the right thing... All I understand is that children, life, including every single, living being are important and super precious. We don’t get this time back, so we have to do the right thing... make the right choices... No excuses... NONE!!
No matter what you’ve been through, you have to try your very best in life, don’t paint everyone with the same brush, because this will only hold you back, and might even paralyse. So come on embrace life... believe me, you’ll find what you put in, you’ll get back.  Be yourself, be real, don’t have a hidden agenda, just bring your lovely personality to life, and share unconditionally...
Life is too short to do anything else!

I really do believe in being mindful of people’s feelings and despite writing about my past, present and future... I sincerely hope others recognise I take my written words seriously... I do not wish to lay blame, hurt or accuse anyone... I simply want to write truth as I understand and perceive it. I dont know how it happened, but I've magically grown from a very dysfunctional family background. I think I can safely say because of the vast and varied different input, I have been so lucky and managed to find the real me...  And that is always worth celebrating...

Breathe... Focus... Relax...
Stay close.  


  1. Darling Jane, thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic. I didn't have an ideal childhood, either, and my father wasn't physically present the majority of each year. When he did come home on vacation (he lived out of the country for work), he made our lives purely miserable because of philandering ways and alcoholism which encouraged physical, emotional and verbal abuse. There was no emotional bond, no connection with him from us, nor from him TO us. What did exist was a selfish, shallow person who had no patience for small children. Being the youngest of 3, I didn't imprint on him the way my brother & sister did - they spent more time around him before he was transferred down range for work, and my Mom brought us back to the U.S. from where they had been stationed in the Bahamas. I can remember listening to them and my Mom cry at night for weeks after he would go back to work, and from that early age, I became an Fixer.

    Looking back, I find it fascinating, and very sad, how a wee child of 3 year's age can make a conscious choice to become a caretaker and a fixer. To my wonderful Mom's credit, we were surrounded with absolute love, and through her family of 8 siblings, we had stability to a wonderful degree and father figures in the guise of her 5 brothers.

    I know that I carry scars and wounds, but like you, I chose to be consciously aware and accountable for myself. I refused to repeat the cycles of abuse that my alcoholic father displayed. I chose a different path and somehow managed to turn into a healer and a writer who, like you, offers solace, support and peace to others who walk a confusing world.

    See? Once again, you and I are very similar. That resonance of souls thing always chimes brightly for me when I visit you. Forgive me for this very lengthy response (perhaps it would've been better to email it to you).

    You make a beautiful difference in the world, my friend. Keep sharing your experiences and thoughts - they matter. <3

    Much love,


  2. I always tell you lovely lady how wonderful it is to hear from you... you are so very special to me and I super appreciate your friendship and support.

    Hearing your story saturates me with such honour. I love that you came, spent time and shared such a beautiful deep part of yourself because I know what it takes to keep opening wounds, and being a guardian, a fixer, a messenger, and all this is done unconditionally. Like you I want nothing in return... some people find that hard to believe but it’s the truth.

    I also believe darker parts of our lives are necessary, because without the dark we would not recognise the light... The only thing I’d really like is for others to get comfort, peace and sometimes I wistfully hope they smile at my words, my stories, my life because I give it with love and again like you, I want absolutely nothing in return... You spend as long as you want in my world Dawn, and write as little or as much as you wish because I love you’re writing, I like and connect with your style.

    I love that you choose to spend time here. I am honoured we are friends.

    Nothing but good wishes for you my friend <3