My Father...

The big question for me this week was something I’ve been concentrating on for a little while... Although I have to profess, I don’t quite have all the answers but you know how I love to share, waffle and divulge.  Come on pull up a chair and stay a few moments, I would love to talk to you...

I use to think I was a dreamer and I suppose to some extent a lot of us might have that delightful trait securely fixed within our own wonderful personalities ... but recently oh how I've wistfully looked back on vague and distant memories of my father. It's made me wonder if a part of me is like he was. The thing I know more than anything about my dad, is that when I was little, I missed him so much... he was never around, but I will never forget the bond I had with him... When I did get to see him I recall I’d quietly watch him, and wonder what made him tick. (Due to the way I was brought up) When I did get to see him, I would usually feel a deep sense of sadness because here was my very own dad, but I didn’t really know him...  When I was small, I would sit quietly to observe him. To this day I still remember the way he'd sit in his chair, the way his blue eyes would flicker from side to side, and I’d know instinctively he was thinking... to me he was always the thinker, a mystical force that I'd fantasise about. I wanted to be near him, and have him tell me he was proud of me, that he loved me, but mostly, I wanted him to be the dad I remembered. I'd reminisce vividly how I use to believe I was able hear him think... Sad wonder is, I never actually heard/saw or understood his thoughts or the man he was.  To this day, I still wish it would be possible to sit with him, and ask all the many unanswered questions...  

 

Parents are so terribly important in our lives, their input is massive in terms of our development, but where the hell does one go when faced with the loneliness of being brought up and living in the company of strangers... Let me tell you this... Yes I believe their absence impacted on me, and my siblings, but in the long run I’ve personally come to no harm from not having a family, despite wanting one that I would have loved deeply... Instead I had a different upbringing. In many ways I was lonely, but my past I'd describe as character forming, with a whole load of empty longing.

 

Despite everything, life still managed to magically instil in me many things that have become super important... The amazing thing is that I know who I am, where I came from, where I’ve been and where there is yet for me to go... I believe the past is what makes us, and I agree with all the current quotes... The past does not define, but it sure as hell has a major input into personality... I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again for the benefit of any readers who have been through the same or even similar experiences...  what happened in my childhood was NOT my fault, the people to blame are the adults who were around...The sad thing is how much they lost out, but thank god I made sure I broke the circle. My child was not beaten, neglected and neither was she abused...  why the hell would anyone do that to another? So if you’re reading this and blaming your upbringing for something you've done or are presently doing ... FORGET IT... You’re in control, you’re the adult and it’s up to you to do the right thing... All I understand is that children, life, including every single, living being are important and super precious. We don’t get this time back, so we have to do the right thing... make the right choices... No excuses... NONE!!

No matter what you’ve been through, you have to try your very best in life, don’t paint everyone with the same brush, because this will only hold you back, and might even paralyse. So come on embrace life... believe me, you’ll find what you put in, you’ll get back.  Be yourself, be real, don’t have a hidden agenda, just bring your lovely personality to life, and share unconditionally...

Life is too short to do anything else!


I really do believe in being mindful of people’s feelings and despite writing about my past, present and future... I sincerely hope others recognise I take my written words seriously... I do not wish to lay blame, hurt or accuse anyone... I simply want to write truth as I understand and perceive it. I dont know how it happened, but I've magically grown from a very dysfunctional family background. I think I can safely say because of the vast and varied different input, I have been so lucky and managed to find the real me...  And that is always worth celebrating...

Breathe... Focus... Relax...

Stay close.  

Why do I Sit and Write...

There is something magical about bringing words together which help to shape thoughts and pictures as a story, or project develops... The more you practice the better it feels to be able to sit and sense a whole new world appear right before your very eyes... The extra special magic linked with your words and thoughts, is when you become utterly convinced that there is more where all of this comes from, and the wondrousness of it keeps you secretly buzzing, knowing you have so much to share....  

I use to think I wrote to understand what was going on around me, including what the world was trying to say. But, over the past few years I’ve grown to realise that just like a graffiti artist who displays his passion for the entire world to see, or the fine art painter whose work is judged for its beauty and meaningfulness, or even lovers who make sworn declarations of ardour as they carve their connected names, entwined within a single heart... I have discovered I write not only from my heart but from a spiritual soul... occasionally I have heard myself shout out to the world, or in fact to anyone who will listen. I have witnessed on more than one occasion how I like to shout loud enough to those I will one day leave behind... I feel I have no alternative within my position, I really have to communicate that I am here; this is me...  And then when I am in the privacy of my very own space, I make my statement, I heal my hurt, I roar from my wordy world, I’m alive, this is me... and then with heart and soul, my recognition of simply being, gently guides me towards knowing I love my family, I adore my friends... and I will forever have room in my life for strangers.

As I convey this to you, I roll my eyes to the back of my head because in the past I’ve been guilty of having loved unworthy people; I’ve even taken care of others who were not worth taking care of... and then on the other hand, I have met gorgeous individuals and quite rightly decided to leave them behind, but only because instinct cleverly enlightened me to the fact, they had to move on and be somewhere else... I have also touched hearts with a number of members from the human race, whose ‘agendas’ were so well hidden that even I failed in my initial assessment to see where they were coming from. I write further that I particularly feel all of this was absolutely necessary to get to this beautiful point that I’ve somehow magically reached... I’ve managed to make a life where all people contained, are out of this world darlings who continually love me unconditionally ... Sometimes I have ceremoniously felt able to hold that precious love between both hands and sense its specialness, and it always helps every part of my persistent growing psyche...

I’ve had to learn to write through my fear...fear being a real emotion that’s managed to hold me back... you know It takes real courage to write, and it takes even more courage to print... so opening oneself up to possible hostilities, would I imagine hold the strongest writers back, the possibility of rejection, the thought of people you know seeing and perhaps laughing at your type, it’s tone, the element of your own day dreams... I have been writing a while now, and have managed to build up a little protective armour, but I feel sure if someone made a destructive comment, because of who I am and my personality I would sadly be affected... however I know one thing for sure and that is this... I could never be affected to the point of stopping... Oh No, that would never happen ... this is me, I have something to say, and I will say it until I can say no more... 

 You know how I love to whisper be near... so come on move closer!