Sunday, 30 June 2013

Where Dreams May Roam...

I long earnestly to hug the small child who lives within... From an early age I have always had a sense of her complete and utter sadness... In the beginning, I didn’t realise that this little girl would stay with me forever, and it wasn’t until I grew to be of a certain age that I witnessed her smile for the very first time... With her cheeky cherubic smile my world lit-up like a Christmas tree, and from that memorable day onwards, I knew everything was going to be alright... I'd like to dedicate this post to all who have known that their inner child is with them, and has always been a very special part of  their lives...  
I have often wondered... where did she come from? How did she get here and how long was she going to stay... I sense so much about my little dweller, and strangely enough the times she made herself visible to me, was when I was at my saddest.

I recall the very first time I met her; I was recovering from watching something so disturbing that I’d decided to hide behind furniture. I sat shivering and shaking, holding my hands before my eyes, not able to make any meaning out of what I’d just seen... when suddenly I felt her presence. Jumping nervously, I expected to see my big, bad, mean mother... she would always bend on all fours, just like a wild animal, and try to get me out from behind our big, old musty sofa. But no, this time mother wasn’t there.  Instead the blue eyed child, with big, sad teary eyes stared at me in silence.   
“What?” I whispered from behind ice, cold hands.

The little girl did not answer, she just continued to stare.
Then all of a sudden the door banged really loudly, and the big, bad mother screamed,

“I will get you Lady Jane, and believe you me; you’ll regret the day that you were born”

My skin started to tingle, my heart raced even harder, because unfortunately I knew what was going to happen next... she was going to find me, grab hold of whatever she could hang on to, shake me till my teeth rattled in my head, and then she would violently drag me screaming towards the cellar door...  
This time though she didn’t bend down on all fours, instead with super human strength, she yanked the big old sofa away from me... her red, sweaty face contorted now with rage, looked at me with a hatred I never could quite understand, and as her long dark brown hair flew through the air, she viciously grabbed me... In slow motion I witnessed my own hand reach out towards my little friend and as she grabbed it, I felt that her little hand was also freezing cold... but holding onto her, I felt the most incredible relief because I didn’t feel so alone.

Whilst the big, bad mother shook, pushed, screeched and swore my little friend never once let go. Not even when the cellar door crashed open, and we were pushed down rickety, wooden steps, to land in a crying heap on to cold grey paving slabs. The greyish light from a tiny broken window, shed just enough brightness for me to see my small friend scuttle closer to me, and then we both heard the slam of the door.  
This was the start of a forever friendship... My friend never gave a smile, she never spoke a word, but I knew without a shadowing doubt, that the connection to her and I was something that would unquestionably last forever.

In those formative years the cruelty continued and our connection remained.
When I was tiny I didn’t realise how special the connection was, not until that is, I got a little older and I started to question her existence.

The sad, blue eyed child always appeared when I was stressed, tired or frightened. I never questioned her appearance, I was always so glad to see her.  The cruelty, the hatred and our chaotic world of loneliness, was easier to bear with her around. However as time passed, I did realise that despite myself getting older, she never changed... it was as if she was stuck in a kind of time-warp of emotional damage, where she’d decided not to develop but more to simply exist.
I did know one thing though, and that was I grew to love her like no other. The things we lived through were witnessed between us, and the eye contact we often held said more than words ever could.

I guess the day I saw her smile was a tremendous breakthrough for me, because that was the day I knew beyond everything, that it was all going to be ok. All I was left with was the immeasurable thought that I needed to hold her, to bestow upon her as much love as I could, because this little girl had held it all in, contained and packaged all the untold hurt, just so that I got to share the burden. This ultimately made sure I survived the horror filled, neglectful, damaged, hurtful upbringing any child should ever have to endure... And even though my little friend is still around, I have yet to give her a hug, then again, an absolute fear is that she’ll go away, and to be honest, I never want her to leave because she is such a big part of me as I am of her.  
The very important thing about living with inner children, is that when you heal, they heal...

© 2013 Jane Ewen
Picture shared from Google: Artist Unknown...

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