Closing the door...

If I was with a loved one and sensed no feelings of warmth and their behaviour displayed this consistently... always reeking of a cold heartedness. Then there could be no doubt for me, they don’t love, respect, want or need me ...

When I acquired my platform and decided bravely to open my heart with a view to sharing thoughts, feelings, dreams and parts of my life (some painful) by writing about them. Instantly I felt anxious just in case others felt my writing wasn’t good enough. I further worried in case others might disrespect me and my writing with the awful possibility of them even laughing. I realised scarily I was perhaps putting myself into a very uncertain world. When I look back to those worries I identify clearly, I merely lacked in confidence...

All in all, my blogging experience has been wonderful, healing, and therapeutic. I’ve discovered another world. Believe it or not, it’s significantly helped me to discover myself... I’ve previously written an article about this kind of communication and it's definitely not for everybody. For me, it continues to be a brilliant, consistent encounter with my true best friend...

I’m happy to report I’ve been more then pleasantly surprised... in just over a year I’ve thankfully only had one negative unstructured comment, which I discovered through a 3^rd party. I knew from then on any further negative remarks could never be as bad as hearing that particular one, in view of whom it was from... All I will share is this... each and every one of us is entitled to our own opinion. The difference is some people can do it with honey whilst others do it with vinegar. It’s completely up to the individual and their personality and of course the motive behind the comments...

Occasionally in life I find myself focusing and then curiously placing myself in other people’s shoes. I do try very hard to be fair when sensing, possibly understanding, why one would continue to hold on to a heart of stone and an irritating holy than thou attitude, which overwhelms everybody when witnessing, jumped up superiority... I’ll never understand why anyone would keep a determined grip on negative, unrealistic, unfounded accusations. To most of us I know that would be utterly senseless, it gets one nowhere. Life my super doper floating little time bomb is precious, but unfortunately short... So learn fast and try where possible to make amends to those that matter.

In my heart I very often cry because I know despite being told there is so much you don’t comprehend... I’d always hoped you would understand or simply see straight before it's too late. However, my present wish will be that one day you will. By then though I'll sadly know, you and your life won’t ever be the same... the regret will be tremendous. The experience is irreversible and the loss will be unbearable.

As a family member myself, a mother and a friend, I’ve found on very odd occasions there have been times when I’ve had to bite my tongue, turn the other cheek, swallow anger or pride to allow for time out or direct more thought towards uncomfortable issues, importantly keeping the door ajar for stubborn ones. But, it’s been oh so worth it, just too simply keep hold of all those precious people in my life.

Some of us often become sadly aware that there’ll always be certain stubborn individuals, who for whatever reason are unable to grasp the concept and its reason. They then go on to spoil any possible happiness they could have experienced. We all appreciate there’s only so many times a person can knock on the door and offer the hand of friendship and love. There also comes a time for us to say,

“Ok, let’s agree to disagree and move on”

From firsthand experience and being an individual who can't bear giving up, in the past... even I had to recognise when enough was enough. It’s not a happy or self-righteous moment. Being blessed or not with always viewing the bigger picture, back then I was also able to completely perceive what it was going to be like not having, sharing, caring, loving that person and all they meant in life. Another BUT... but a very big one, sometimes for one’s own sanity I also strongly believe, there are certain people no matter how much we love or care for them that shouldn’t be in our lives, because of their own individual feelings, or should I say lack of them.

Now, if you’re sat in front of your screen wondering is this article directed at a certain someone? The answer is most definitely 'yes' ... I also feel the article and all it conveys could possibly apply to anyone reading it -I respectfully say, You know the saying 'If the cap fits'

Maybe many of you would like to know who the person is.

Let me share this with you... As a responsible writer, a person with integrity, I believe it’s possible to sensitively relay messages. It’s also wholly possible to do this without naming. My responsibility to any individual is still and always will be intact, regardless of what may or may have been said or done. It also allows me to write about what I want and perfectly heals from within. I think it’s also safe to say one can remove a person from one’s life and still love them; it’s just sometimes an extra wise precaution, to close the door firmly...

Sometimes we don’t actually like some decisions we make. Writing this for me has been a very good way of having my very own conference... Hashing it out, thinking about the why's, when's and wheres... comfortably bringing those very important reasons, explanations, intentions, causes, motives, aims and goals forward. I’m mindful of the agenda and back then although the decision was not made lightly, I've been able to reveal I’m aware of what I reluctantly gave up. However me being me, I needed to remind and reassure myself it was a good and right choice... In all fairness, the decision I realised was needed for both parties! Today for some strange, inexplicable reason, I needed to rationalise those reasons and my choice...

I always believe in finishing on a positive, so was going to finish with,

'Oh, I feel better already!'

Seriously though... maybe I don't. But hey that's life and we just have to get use to the possibility of being handed out shit... I'm sure the majority of you out there know what I mean, we've all had our fair share, just seems some deal with it and others don’t. For those of you who’ve managed to read this to the end, you know there are several messages in there somewhere!

Love, light and lots a lager xxx