Wednesday, 9 December 2009

I've grown...... I'm me and I love the feeling.

Beautiful sadness I've grown into the woman I've become because of who I was originally. I know when babies are born, they are born essentially’s what they ultimately experience, that moulds them for the life they will eventually lead.

Back in the day when I was a young, loving child, I would look up into the eyes of the adults around me (at times beseechingly) searching for their guidance and love... We all know just like my siblings and I some children are not born into normal family environments... where love is unconditional and given freely along with that magical gift which carries no price tag for the child, because... it’s usually given warmly by a person with a heart full of joy. They grasp completely the very thought...this child is theirs, they hold securely the responsibility for that child’s well being and it’s always paramount to them. The fact is they understand what it means to have and hold a child... keeping it safe, loved and protected for as long as it takes this further spurns on the development of the process between child and carer.

It was my misfortune to be born into a family completely dysfunctional. There were a lot of issues around substance abuse, poverty and a complete lack of parenting skills. The knock on affect this has on the family, eventually becomes intolerable. The adults (our parents) were young, selfish and probably if stock were to be taken of their own childhood, then it might be found they too suffered at the hands of their own parents in similar circumstances to the ones they inflicted on their own offspring.... I’m glad to say that’s where it all ended because; my siblings and I brought our own children up in a normal correct and loving manner. Speaking for myself, I found I was extra sensitive to the protectiveness of my own child to the point where as a baby I never left her then when she was a young adult and she wanted to feel grown up I would give her that little bit of space they so often need but actually, I use to follow her to ensure she was always safe.... Even now I ring and text every day... I’m in constant touch, she is everything to me and more.... the very thought of anything happening to her or someone hurting her fills me with a fear that goes deep, at times it coldly penetrates the very core to my heart, when that happens it grabs my soul on the way in.

During her childhood she was and continues to be amazing. Back then she developed the capacity of stilling my fears....soothing my worries and allaying my concerns, for that I will always be grateful. At the start of my own healing journey my girl’s attitude and sensitivity helped me enormously and as you all know that healing journey continues to this day..... When you've lived through trauma, neglect, misplaced love, abuse at all levels and the insult of separation from family members... is it any wonder one needs to heal.

When I was that tiny teeny tiddlywink... being the eldest, I managed to take on an unrealistic role... it included keeping my baby siblings safe. Obviously I was too little to do that, but from all accounts it didn’t stop me from trying.... and my title in care is well documented... I was called the ‘little mother’.... In my own eyes though my failure of that role instilled in me, a feeling of total and utter consternation that they were hurting... whilst living with our biological parent they were my responsibility, I took care of them... but in care, I felt I had let them down despite being totally happy myself that we were in care and being looked after properly... I loved it... I never, never, ever, ever wanted to leave.

Subsequently in my teens I felt an absolute need to distance myself from my brothers and sister... I discovered it was mentally the only time I felt spiritual peace.... Sadly to this day for some family members that has given them a double whammy because, not only did the adults in their lives let them down, so did their big sister...

In my opinion the best we can accomplish in this wonderful life, is to never knowingly hurt anybody, follow our instincts and as long as we do our best and what feels right, then we cannot be expected to do anymore.... If I’ve suffered sleepless nights it’s not because of what I’ve done, it’s because of what I wish I’d been more capable of doing...

I know this beautiful thought... I’ve grown... it’s been a long and winding road, I know I like me, I like who I am and who I’ve become. In growing I've reached the shiny bright conclusion life is so very special.

This is not a dress rehearsal. We have to make the most of this brilliant time we have and make it sparkle more.... spoil the ones we love, never go to bed on an argument, communicate at all costs and never forget to tell people how you really feel because one day you or they won’t be here to chat or reassure ... Communication is the key!

My lovely family, all of them deliciously unique and wonderful in every way, they deserved a good, happy upbringing. Sadly that didn’t happen... A positive point here is this.... despite everything we've all become fine upstanding citizens and I know we all love our families and friends with a passion... So looking at it from that perspective; it’s not turned out so bad after all.

I know and understand completely this form of communication is not for everyone. For a long time and for one reason or another, I was not allowed or encouraged to talk openly... sadly I let others control me but I say this with no hard feelings just a genuine warmth... I have always enjoyed sharing thoughts, ideas, worries, opinions, views and beliefs. I particularly love being positive but I'll hastily add, not to the point where I have to exclude all the other stuff I'm sharing... all of it for me is crucial so very necessary to walk on the road I want to remain on. Hopefully, I will continue to embrace the life I’m living and carry on loving the life I lead. It’s made all the better by the beautiful people I have met and enhanced by the people who remain by my side... Those qualities are inside all of us... You know don’t you my friend; there isn’t anything we can’t do...

Hugs wrapped up in kisses from the Angel within...... :)

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