My Father...

The big question for me this week was something I’ve been concentrating on for a little while... Although I have to profess, I don’t quite have all the answers but you know how I love to share, waffle and divulge.  Come on pull up a chair and stay a few moments, I would love to talk to you...

I use to think I was a dreamer and I suppose to some extent a lot of us might have that delightful trait securely fixed within our own wonderful personalities ... but recently oh how I've wistfully looked back on vague and distant memories of my father. It's made me wonder if a part of me is like he was. The thing I know more than anything about my dad, is that when I was little, I missed him so much... he was never around, but I will never forget the bond I had with him... When I did get to see him I recall I’d quietly watch him, and wonder what made him tick. (Due to the way I was brought up) When I did get to see him, I would usually feel a deep sense of sadness because here was my very own dad, but I didn’t really know him...  When I was small, I would sit quietly to observe him. To this day I still remember the way he'd sit in his chair, the way his blue eyes would flicker from side to side, and I’d know instinctively he was thinking... to me he was always the thinker, a mystical force that I'd fantasise about. I wanted to be near him, and have him tell me he was proud of me, that he loved me, but mostly, I wanted him to be the dad I remembered. I'd reminisce vividly how I use to believe I was able hear him think... Sad wonder is, I never actually heard/saw or understood his thoughts or the man he was.  To this day, I still wish it would be possible to sit with him, and ask all the many unanswered questions...  

 

Parents are so terribly important in our lives, their input is massive in terms of our development, but where the hell does one go when faced with the loneliness of being brought up and living in the company of strangers... Let me tell you this... Yes I believe their absence impacted on me, and my siblings, but in the long run I’ve personally come to no harm from not having a family, despite wanting one that I would have loved deeply... Instead I had a different upbringing. In many ways I was lonely, but my past I'd describe as character forming, with a whole load of empty longing.

 

Despite everything, life still managed to magically instil in me many things that have become super important... The amazing thing is that I know who I am, where I came from, where I’ve been and where there is yet for me to go... I believe the past is what makes us, and I agree with all the current quotes... The past does not define, but it sure as hell has a major input into personality... I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again for the benefit of any readers who have been through the same or even similar experiences...  what happened in my childhood was NOT my fault, the people to blame are the adults who were around...The sad thing is how much they lost out, but thank god I made sure I broke the circle. My child was not beaten, neglected and neither was she abused...  why the hell would anyone do that to another? So if you’re reading this and blaming your upbringing for something you've done or are presently doing ... FORGET IT... You’re in control, you’re the adult and it’s up to you to do the right thing... All I understand is that children, life, including every single, living being are important and super precious. We don’t get this time back, so we have to do the right thing... make the right choices... No excuses... NONE!!

No matter what you’ve been through, you have to try your very best in life, don’t paint everyone with the same brush, because this will only hold you back, and might even paralyse. So come on embrace life... believe me, you’ll find what you put in, you’ll get back.  Be yourself, be real, don’t have a hidden agenda, just bring your lovely personality to life, and share unconditionally...

Life is too short to do anything else!


I really do believe in being mindful of people’s feelings and despite writing about my past, present and future... I sincerely hope others recognise I take my written words seriously... I do not wish to lay blame, hurt or accuse anyone... I simply want to write truth as I understand and perceive it. I dont know how it happened, but I've magically grown from a very dysfunctional family background. I think I can safely say because of the vast and varied different input, I have been so lucky and managed to find the real me...  And that is always worth celebrating...

Breathe... Focus... Relax...

Stay close.  

Writer's Connection...

White fresh paper with blue/black ink... or if you’re a bit more like me, then it will be a clean keyboard, and crisp computer screen. Then as you prepare for your precious session, there’s a silent but indescribable noise that only you can hear... so when its high pitch screech hums for you to come, play... You'll then realise for a millionth time, that writing is a wonderous participation, and sharing your well thought-through contribution, after  you’ve finally edited the piece as much as you dare, is quite often payment enough! Writing, reading, editing... reading editing and feeling tiny stirrings of butterfly-ish delight as you realise... it’s you who wrote the words, you’re the one responsible and then as your about to publish, it hits you... your writing is a journal of consistent healing, it’s a wonderful continuance of the work you so love to do... I find whatever I write always adds to the health of my wellbeing, and with one article after another I watch, learn and grow... 

I’ve always thought, if you don’t like a story then all you have to do is write your own... use life experiences with preferences towards bringing to life a scene, a moment or an encounter that no other could have experienced in the way you did. That’s the magnificence of writing, and for me it’s also the beauty of reading... to sit, read and feel what a writer is trying to portray... Take in their words, see the scene and understand as much as possible ~ The Story ~ Their Story ~ if you feel connected, it’s possibly because you’ve been through similar.  

It’s also my belief that if there is passion, and the narrative comes together correctly, then you can rest assured someone, somewhere will enjoy your work... a lot won’t but that really isn’t the point, there is a saying, a quote I think from Abraham Lincoln,  

‘You can please all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you cannot please all of the people all of the time’

Recently in the writing world I’ve been communicating about what others might feel are appropriate terms which might describe a story, the situation or even a character... It came to my attention that some individuals don’t like the way writers, can and do express things for instance... recently a writer was (politely) questioned on using the term ‘Guys’ when addressing people ~ They felt there was a possibility it could be demeaning to women... for me personally, it’s not a problem and the point I would like to make without waffling, is that, if the way a writer writes offends, then please don’t read their stuff. When I write I like to think I write as I speak, if the occasion permits I like to shorten, lengthen and use words that I feel comfortable with... I don’t do this to offend anyone, or demean, I'm just being me and to be fair I don’t know any other way to write... All I am wholly aware of is that I want to talk to you with a rich, warm, welcoming voice... so that reader’s feel like it’s just we two. I also do visualisation when writing, so to be honest as much as this post may be read by many, I only see one. However in my heart of heart's, I like to think my writing touches many and it is hoped you get a lot from my words and experiences. I have lived through much, and always try to share what I can, so it will continually be my wish, to help, even support whoever stops by.

I hope you never stop returning to AngelJanes World... there’s usually something being discussed or shared, and has is always felt... please remember, I care that you stopped by.

Stay a while, because you’re more than welcome  

Why do I Sit and Write...

There is something magical about bringing words together which help to shape thoughts and pictures as a story, or project develops... The more you practice the better it feels to be able to sit and sense a whole new world appear right before your very eyes... The extra special magic linked with your words and thoughts, is when you become utterly convinced that there is more where all of this comes from, and the wondrousness of it keeps you secretly buzzing, knowing you have so much to share....  

I use to think I wrote to understand what was going on around me, including what the world was trying to say. But, over the past few years I’ve grown to realise that just like a graffiti artist who displays his passion for the entire world to see, or the fine art painter whose work is judged for its beauty and meaningfulness, or even lovers who make sworn declarations of ardour as they carve their connected names, entwined within a single heart... I have discovered I write not only from my heart but from a spiritual soul... occasionally I have heard myself shout out to the world, or in fact to anyone who will listen. I have witnessed on more than one occasion how I like to shout loud enough to those I will one day leave behind... I feel I have no alternative within my position, I really have to communicate that I am here; this is me...  And then when I am in the privacy of my very own space, I make my statement, I heal my hurt, I roar from my wordy world, I’m alive, this is me... and then with heart and soul, my recognition of simply being, gently guides me towards knowing I love my family, I adore my friends... and I will forever have room in my life for strangers.

As I convey this to you, I roll my eyes to the back of my head because in the past I’ve been guilty of having loved unworthy people; I’ve even taken care of others who were not worth taking care of... and then on the other hand, I have met gorgeous individuals and quite rightly decided to leave them behind, but only because instinct cleverly enlightened me to the fact, they had to move on and be somewhere else... I have also touched hearts with a number of members from the human race, whose ‘agendas’ were so well hidden that even I failed in my initial assessment to see where they were coming from. I write further that I particularly feel all of this was absolutely necessary to get to this beautiful point that I’ve somehow magically reached... I’ve managed to make a life where all people contained, are out of this world darlings who continually love me unconditionally ... Sometimes I have ceremoniously felt able to hold that precious love between both hands and sense its specialness, and it always helps every part of my persistent growing psyche...

I’ve had to learn to write through my fear...fear being a real emotion that’s managed to hold me back... you know It takes real courage to write, and it takes even more courage to print... so opening oneself up to possible hostilities, would I imagine hold the strongest writers back, the possibility of rejection, the thought of people you know seeing and perhaps laughing at your type, it’s tone, the element of your own day dreams... I have been writing a while now, and have managed to build up a little protective armour, but I feel sure if someone made a destructive comment, because of who I am and my personality I would sadly be affected... however I know one thing for sure and that is this... I could never be affected to the point of stopping... Oh No, that would never happen ... this is me, I have something to say, and I will say it until I can say no more... 

 You know how I love to whisper be near... so come on move closer!

When I was 12years old...

Today is a wonderful day for most because it’s ‘MOTHERS DAY’ and yet how incredibly strange it feels for me... to know that my own biological mother is in a home dying... I came to the conclusion last night, that whatever she inflicted upon us she's suffered tenfold.

So on this wonderful Mothers day I write my post with so much love and haste, so that I can dedicate it to my beautiful girls... I write from my heart and I smile with its beats, because whether I ever make it in the literary world of beautiful, creative arts... I want both my darlings to know my work is for them. It’s filed, password protected for both of you... you will always have me near and within... I don’t plan on going anywhere just yet, but it’s a thought that I’ve never disclosed and so today with everything I know, I feel it’s the right time to share...

When I was 12years old I was what I always refer to as a ‘Child of Salford’... at that time I was happily in the care system. Saturday morning’s would find me in my own dream world, lying on my bed reading, and I always sensed, such captivating magic in-between each and every line or speech bubble... Education wise, I didn’t start school properly until I was 8yrs old, so you will understand catching up to my peers was ultra important to me. I recall excelling at English, however math’s was a complete disaster, and still is but you short change me and you’ll know about it! 

Back then I told myself I would be a writer, but then I lost sight of the dream with the toil of life and just living, getting by each day. I suppose I realised my late start in school and the important issue of missing parents and siblings, really had a devastating effect on life as well as my aspirations.  Instead it issued me with a dreadful sense of my own lack of confidence... I was not articulate and my grammar usually escaped me. Then four years ago when I had a real life-crisis, I suddenly realised writing was something I wanted to do more than ever. Finally I started writing a few pieces, and then I nervously produced my BLOG AngelJanes World... I also recall the elation at having a short story published by the Scottish book trust. To see and feel my very own words in print did something to my heart and soul. I guess you could say it made my spirit squeal in a way I’d never heard before.

My true belief is that although I’m sure I haven’t quite found my voice yet in the literary world, the one thing I am super sure about, is that I have a way of writing which I hope to retain... I want people to sense my passion and feel the genuineness in my voice, I want them to take the words in and know as I speak, I write... In taking original thoughts and ideas out, polishing stuff up and taking the edge off things... isn’t how I want my writing presented... although please don’t misunderstand, I want the work to be presented to you in a way that is intelligible, I just don’t want to lose the original voice or enthusiasm. I love the fact that most times when I read back, I feel like I’m having a conversation with myself... I also imagine certain faces and dreamily wonder what they might think...

On my journey of realisation, I further became conscious and subsequently watched as a whole new healing process beautifully took place, and I recall wanting to shed tears at all the unnecessary time I’d wasted. How much better things would have felt if I’d allowed myself the freedom to write, even if it was just for me....? Layer by layer sadness peeled back, I was able to face things which I’d refused to do previously. I hate conflict, I would run away from challenge and quite often I'd hide my head in the sand to avoid having to feel any more pain...

It’s taken so long to get to this point in time, but I’m deeply happy to be able to report that being here feels extraordinary. I’ve always known, and maybe, just maybe, this is why the journey's taken so long... that personally for me, writing usually depends very much on how I'm feeling, and I can honestly say I have never felt as internally happy in mind, body and spirit as I do right now... My life, although it's not perfect, is as perfect as I can make it... My family mean the whole world to me, and as most of you may already know, I blissfully married in 2011 to the most amazing man who believes in me, and with him he brought so much to life... he also miraculous taught me, that I can do whatever I want by just being me... So in being me, I say to anyone who is listening... life maybe short, but the time you spend on this gorgeous planet and those choices you make, sometimes have the most profound impact on those around you. So with my love and best wishes I whisper, be careful!  
 

Have a wonderful day!

Don’t forget stay close... just so I can reach out and touch you!

 

Google Image (artful-s-quotes-WhenPeopleWalkAwayF)

 

 

I am so happy to have touched your spirit...

I lovingly dedicate this post to Irish Carter... I love you and long may we be connected beautiful lady... If I ever make it I want you there! 

http://www.dedicated2life.com/1/post/2013/03/march-passions-guess-what-talent-we-found-while-dedicated-2-life-was-out-doing-their-scouting.html

 

And so the story continues...

When I was recently contacted and advised that along with a few other lovely individuals I was about to be picked to be promoted, I couldn’t believe it... I can’t tell you how overjoyed I was to have someone take time out for me, and say they liked my words, they liked my thoughts and that it was felt if others were to stop by and take a peek into my world, they’d feel and definitely be touched by my loving, caring nature...

All I’ve ever known is that I’ve had a challenging and very unhappy childhood... which at times can still create fall-out, but thank the beautiful heavens and spirits above, and despite the incredible sadness of it all, I know clearly that I’m especially fortunate to have still been able to grow-up to love and respect people... it really doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, old or young, healthy or sick... I am blessed to see something delightfully different in each and every person I meet.

I am also forutnate to have a most amazing ability. This ability magically enables me to look and know if you’re good or bad, if the moment is right for whatever is going on... I have ability to sense the agenda that might be lurking deep-down in your persona... I sense it almost like warmth, tingles, a coldness or even whispered words and fuzzy pictures... Most times it’s been a blessing but sometimes it’s been a curse, the most amazing thing for me is that I’ve been able to hold on to my gift no matter what's happened in life and it always bears repeating, this gift is the reason I survived.

I super appreciate the very fact that along with my long-term, inexplicable ability, I also possess a beautiful instinct that‘s saved me on oh so many occasions, and within extraordinary moments of wonderful, moving magic............

Oh I could cry just recalling those visions... I know on many occasions all I had to do was close my eyes and focus on my world being alright, which brings me to the conclusion...

I want all of you who’ve managed to make it to the end of this post, is to remember... Thoughts Create Reality, and if a very small child, young person, young woman and now mature adult can accomplish that...  then all I further ask is for you to remember, you're in control of you and it’s you who makes choices...  So no matter what’s happened, no matter what you’ve been through, and no matter what point you are at in your life on this beautiful, mixed-up planet... I tenderly ask that you never give up and remember again, no matter how bad you might feel... if you have precious children, these will be their memories!   

Stay close beautiful people...  

2013 Is Gonna Be A Wonderful Year...

A catch up with my wonderful Blog sounds a real good 2013 New Years Eve project... I have so many personal pictures that mean the entire world to me... I have many images that speak volumes in terms of what I’ve magically managed to capture and I have so many beautiful people in my life family and friends... so choosing just one picture to help bring in 2013 has been extremely hard... it has to be this one though, a beautiful picture of my Gorgeous Girls, my heartbeats, my joy and my unchangeable wonder...  

What have I done, where have I been, who have I been with and what did we do. What did I look forward to and how did I fare, did I heal as well as I thought I had, and did I see kindness and sparkling sincerity in those beautiful eyes of yours. Do I like where I am and do I understand where I’ve been... Do I need to stay or do I want to go... will we be happy or is there something else that we unfortunately have to fight off... A person can ask a thousand questions, and a million thoughts may invade one’s head, but the most outstanding, important answer is this... we all want different things, we’ve all lived through separate experiences, and in various ways we may each need numerous answers...

Why? Because my darling person we are all so amazingly, beautifully different.

2012 wasn’t all bad... in fact from mid July my own personal life space improved a lot for the better... Increasing positivity to the point that several months later, time found my beautiful daughter arrive safe and sound  through a life changing treatment plan, to help rid her of a tumour we uncomfortably knew as the Beast... ‘Fibromatosis Desmoid Tumour’ was zapped into submission and with that alien force annihilated ... my heart was mystically, spiritually defibrillated and thank god I survived the parental process to burst forth with unending positivity, and that somehow I sensed what would happen when my scary, helpless thoughts jumped forward, straight into the real world... When we think from the previous new year, right through the old one and arrive clambering for the next New Year to strike ...we yawn, raise our glass and no matter what we’ve been through, no matter where we’ve been, no matter how hard it was, we hold our chin up high and our glass higher still as we wish one and all a happy, healthy and peaceful New Year.

Am I happy...? Yes I am, and have I been through a lot... Yes I have, but guess what my little loves, so have all of you... So come on, come with me, lets count those blessings... let’s not dwell on negativity, let us look for the answers we need, and the way we are going to try and make all of this work...  A strong mind and an open heart is a very good start... I am not saying all the answers are waiting for us in 2013, but listen I have such a fantastic feeling that for a lot of us, there are going to be amazing times, wonderful opportunities and breathtaking experiences... Yes i know there may be hurts and there may even be sadness, but that is when you gather your loved ones or you touch the shoulder of a friend, or you reach out to a stranger ...  it’s all there, and it’s all possible.

Life is astonishing so close your eyes, make your wish and hold on real tight.

Stay with me as I wish you all a Very Happy and Wondrous New Year... 

 

Changes...

Before I progress into the realms of my Blog, please let me apologise for the lack of work within its pages... It’s not because I can’t, or even because I don’t want to, it’s because life is busy and dictates any time I have left to flourish within the delicious world of words...

Today I'm here and for this I am thankful...

                                                                   CHANGES...

Some of us understand that change is inevitable- even necessary. Some of us are able to share and care, some of us are cautious to the point of hiding behind self-imposed walls...some of us tremble at the very thought of opening up; some of us are stuck in the past. Where-ever you are, maybe a change is needed... put it into your life plan and welcome it along the way!

 For me the last six months have been a whirlwind of ever changing changes, both in a personal and professional capacity. I have to reluctantly admit and not for the first time, I have always pushed and pulled against change, never wanting to deal with any fall-out from possible negative issues. I have been dealing with so much of late that I've pleasantly seen the brightest positives, emerge from recent experiences.

In my professional-life, great changes are taking place with major re-construction to the industry I work in. Initially I got to watch this change from a distance, and it’s been amazing to see unforeseen changes materialise. I understand the difference these changes are going to make to the service, and I’m happy to announce that with the current knowledge I hold, I clearly see that this was very much needed, because within this venture my role has changed, subsequently allowing me to utilise all of my skills for a job that was possibly custom made for me. It’s been wonderful to fully understand this is where I needed to be for changes to take place... I have to admit, I almost walked away but I’m so happy to be here, to benefit, along with others for the much needed re-structure.

In my personal-life more positives, and I’ll commence with my beautiful girl as you may know she has a 'Fibromatosis Desmoid Tumour' and her health has been unbelievably compromised. At the moment she is recovering from pre-programmed Radiotherapy sessions – her spirit is brighter- her outlook sunnier and we're all looking forward to the Wedding of the year in 2013... This event has been meticulously planned, with absolute precision by her and I truly believe, at times it’s what’s kept her going.

Every family has a story... Some don’t utter a single word, some whisper from the shadows, some scream from the top of mountains... I’d like to think I speak from the brightest light – to do the highest possible good. I have no idea how many people see my posts; however my deepest hope is that those of you who do, will go on to feel for a while, I was able to reassure you as I gently held your hand.

 
Don’t forget to stay awhile... Jane ~ xxx ~

My Secret...

Thoughts become powerful once we believe........ Occasionally we think we know everything and then we realise, actually we don’t... I always hear myself talk about light bulbs, today a big one switched on, bright as the sun; it was then that I became fully aware of:

~ A Secret ~

For well over a year I’ve walked round in the most miserable fog... given into the worst possible thoughts anyone could ever imagine... more recently clarity has magically embraced me and I have to happily say, it feels so damn good!  To be honest there are many reasons for this... none of which I will go into right now, but today it feels very important that I stop by a sadly neglected blog to reacquaint myself with it and you... Hopefully I’ll re-establish steady, determined footprints on this amazing journey through an unpredictable, and very often crazy life...

I want to smile, I want to laugh and I especially want to share a brand new sense of purpose... Today it’s good enough that I’m able to focus on this moment in time, where I can at long last feel inspired to move forward after being stuck for so long... I know many individuals will benefit from this but none so much as me....  Wings open; my soul is more than ready for what I need to do next ~ all I ask is that you stay with me...

Remember thoughts become things... I’m going to choose the good ones!

Where Do You Go To...

Just a quick post to reassure family, friends and followers that I've not forgotten them... presently much is going on in my world that sadly leaves me very little time. I have quickly picked a special song and a few thoughts to keep you company, until I'm able to come back to a world I so love visiting...

This song holds a very special place in my heart, but if you knew the circumstance under which I first heard it, then you would be very surprised as to why I would consider this to be a wonderful song.

Please try to imagine this without me going into too much detail... A young child being beaten both physically and mentally, her senses are suddenly overcome with a warm, glowing light, a song suddenly fills the air from a broken old radio and this quickly penetrates the whole of her being, she gratefully listens to the song whilst a host of abuse is barraged on her. Its the calmness of the song with its words that soothe her and enable the small child to concentrate on it's music ~ whilst feeling she was being personally asked "Where do you go to my lovely" In her own small, broken world she knew there wasn't anything this person could do to break her, because her mind is magical and thank goodness it was somewhere else. She is blissfully aware that she really doesn't have to feel, listen or understand the cruelties of her world... whilst she's in tune with the music and switched off to the present, she knows everything will be alright...

So remember there isn't anything we can't do to help make our world ok... Just do me a great big favour, please, stay close... Namaste <3  

Franz Kafka...

Had I wrote so much earlier...  I know as if by magic, I would have deepened the noise in my head and embraced the senses I was born with.... Author Jane Ewen

I tell myself it’s quite important to regularly find out something new and interesting about our literary world. Today I read something that would be one of my worst nightmares. (Metamorphosis)

I learned about a guy called Franz Kafka Born: 3/07/1883 ~ Died: 3/06/1924 age 40years, 11months the eldest of six children. He died from starvation; sadly he was reported to have an eating disorder as well as tuberculosis.  It’s reported that Kafka’s writing didn’t really attract much attention until after his death.  On his death he’d requested that his literary friend destroy all his written work, diaries, notebooks, letters and documents. This request was ignored and although frustratingly there was no order to Kafka’s works because quite often he would start writing in the middle of a note book, they were published.  http://www.kafka-franz.com/kafka-Biography.htm

One of his earlier works a novella called http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Metamorphosis was published in 1915. It begins with a traveling salesman, Gregor Samsa, waking to find himself transformed into a monstrous insect-like creature. It’s interesting and worth noting that the characters in The Metamorphosis appear to be based on himself and family...

When I read that he’d written a letter to his father in response to his father asking why he was always so afraid of him, I was amazed to see that there were 103 pages which Franz wrote to his emotionally abusive father... It reminded me of the letter I wrote to my mother, and I recall thinking, I sincerely hope he got the healing closure that so many of us need when we’ve been treated badly... without thought or love, made to feel totally inadequate, unlovable and uncertain. It seriously damages children so much, and takes years to come to terms with, that’s if we ever do... Instantly I felt a connection to Franz.  http://www.kafka-franz.com/KAFKA-letter.htm

"The tremendous world I have inside my head. But how (to) free myself and free it without being torn to pieces. And a thousand times (I’d) rather be torn to pieces than retain it in me or bury it. That indeed, is why I am here, that is quite clear to me." ( F. Kafka Quote )

The people who are no longer here on our beautiful planet and the ones I’d really like to meet... I have to say I think, Franz Kafka would definitely be on my too-meet  list.

The Letter...

A young girl is viciously murdered by a serial killer, and whilst like a depraved animal he roughly drags away her lifeless body, he then involuntarily drops her in shock, as he feels brute force pull her away from his grasp...

On the other side of beyond, she sits like a ragdoll in a daze as two of heavens watchers approach her. They introduce her to some special news ~ she’s to write a ‘letter from heaven’. They then tell her she is going to be allowed a visitation and whilst gathering all this information to the front of her mind, she knows the hardest part for her, is going to be seeing her parents and siblings, suffer the devastating effects of being told their daughter is dead... The story unfolds through the eyes of an innocent girl’s journey. She knows she’s being given a golden opportunity, so needs to write words of comfort, with exact tone, to help her grieving family come to terms and hopefully make sense of a senseless act of inhumanity...  

I’ve been softly advised that the very moment I open my eyes I’ll see my mother, It’s also been explained, that unfortunately she will be extremely sad, and worse still, won’t be able to see me.

So for what seems like an eternity, I stand in the same spot with eyes closed, too terrified to move a muscle ... The whole of my being screams silently into the darkness. I very much want to see, however, I know seeing my mother won’t fix the world, squeezing my eyes tighter, I feel huge tears slide out from between closed eyelashes; escaping quickly they cascade like a waterfall. As I fully open damp eyes, there she sits on her sofa, crying big deep, harsh, guttural sobs from utter despair. My heart thumps to witness her agony, but what hurts more is I know the situation will disintegrate completely, once my family know what’s really happened. It’s as if for now, time stands still... Sitting there in her own stillness, I’m so sensitively aware she’s unknowing and completely oblivious to my plight, she isn’t aware that I’m dead... In her world I’m missing, but quite shockingly I’ve passed over, and for now my family think I’m simply missing.

(3 hours previously)

I’m reeling from the shock of landing so suddenly slap/bang in a new world...

You can imagine how overwhelmingly confused I am.   Once here, I meet two people who introduce themselves as Watchers, Mary and Dylan. Taking in the new occupants, I can’t help but sense a fine vibration of the most beautiful musical sound; I’ve ever heard softly playing in the background. The background is a pulsating colour of cream ’n’ lemon. I can’t see anything specific, all I feel is a hazy, comfortable warmth, and all I see in this creamy lemon new world, is grey like shadows, as if I’m being observed, but strangely I don’t make out any other figures.

Mary looks comforting though, like she’s someone’s mum; her reassuring manner immediately puts me at ease. She confirms what’s happened to me. Miserably I whisper how much I wish I’d listened to my mum’s advice. Dylan, who looked like a clean cut, boy band member, quickly advises... even if you’d done that, it would not have made any difference at all, it would simply have taken longer in terms of time.

Sitting under the gaze of what seems like two very nice people, my heart instinctively realises taking the short cut through such a badly lit, remote place was a crazy, stupid thing to do.  

I heard his footsteps, I saw his shadow, but horrendously he was on me before I knew what was happening. When I fell forward my head hit a large rock; initially I was thankfully knocked out, so didn’t witness or feel the appalling things he carried out... I recall briefly coming around, and felt pressure on top of me, my eyes opened which I know must have startled him; he obviously thought I was already dead. For a split second I remember the gut wrenching horror of it all, and then as his right arm cruelly slam’s down into my already broken head, it’s over, I am gone, finished, kaput...  

Breaking into this mind-blowing moment, Mary’s maternal hand reached out, she tells me not to dwell on what’s happened. She further says, this is the way it’s meant to be, and the reason will become clear. Dylan smiles, comments on my bravery, and then grandly proclaims, the good news is...  for the first time ever, ever, ever  you are going to be allowed to return home, to see your mother, and during that short time, you’ll get the opportunity to write a letter... The letter will be marked,  ‘A Letter From Heaven’  We’ve been told you can write whatever you want, and this will be a first important step that will give you and your family closure to the horrific way you left your earth family. It will also give your mother and family much needed reassurance.  

(3 hours later)

Unable to move, I stand still for what seems like forever.  Magically I’m surrounded by all that use to be so familiar. The distressing sounds of my mother’s tears break my heart, but I know I have to use this golden opportunity to the best of my ability. I couldn’t help but wonder why of all people they chose little old me to send this very special letter from heaven. I’m thankful, and know clearly I have to get this right.

Yes of course I’m sad my life’s been cut short, after all I’m only 16 years old, but it’s strange, don’t ask me how I know, but I know the person responsible will get caught, he won’t hurt another living being, because during his captivity, something accidental is going to happen, and he’ll no longer be in the land of the living. All my knowledge, my senses tumble in on me... this is truly unbelievable, but I know this is my fate, my end, my beginning and yes even my future.  

Tentative, I step towards my mother; I watch has she seemingly stirs to my presence, it’s then I hear the front door.  My father, looks as if his life-force has been mechanically drained from him, he shuffles in flanked by three ashen faced police officers.

Don’t ask me why, but I start to count... One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, sixth sense advices me to leave the room. Back pressed firmly against the lounge door, I shake as I hear my mother scream. Deep breath, I need to be mindful of time and the task in hand.

In my room I sit with hands and face pressed gently against an ageless desk... whilst feeling the coolness from its wood, I sense almost overwhelming, horrifying details of my demise, as they’re being given to my parents. I hear the front door go again; in rush my brothers and then, an appalling slice of silence like crushed ice embraces the property.

Sitting still, tightly grasping heaven’s silver pen between my fingers, I start my letter.

To my beautiful family,

When you read this, I know you won’t be able to comprehend the thought, that for us the impossible has happened. I’m still in shock myself, but sadly I know you won’t be able to confirm with me, how it’s been made amazingly possible for me to communicate with you from beyond this life. Despite the unimaginable, I’m sat in my room composing this lifeline of a letter, whilst you’re all downstairs being given the terrible news that I’ve been horrifically taken away from you.

Mum please forgive me, I’m so sorry I went home that way after drama class ,I know you always tell me the right thing to do, how I wish with all my heart I’d listened... The people I’ve met on the other side, tell me, even if I‘d listened, my end would have happened at some point... it seems we all have a time, and a place... Mine’s up, I’m needed elsewhere. 

The purpose to this letter is to assist us all if possible and help us come to terms with what’s happened... for me its proof of what I always suspected but never knew for sure... I’ll miss you all so much; my heart is breaking because I can still hear your cries. I need to share with you that my passing over was quick; I didn’t feel anything, except the pain of knowing I’d never be with you again.

Please do not waste any time going over the worry of what ‘s‘ happened, I am ok, and even though I don’t want to leave you, I am ready to move forward to see what heaven has in store for me... I met a lady called Mary, she told me it will all become clear, mum, dad it already has, I know life is for living, it’s also for learning and with you as my family, I’ve been blessed to learn lots... I will leave you with this, the person who hurt me, won’t hurt anyone else. You will all be ok and mum, you were the best mum ever, I don’t want any of you to worry, and if you do, you will only end up holding me back. Please take are and remember always how much I love you all. I have to go now Mary and Dylan have come; your cries are subsiding so I feel I can leave... Thank you for everything especially your love, I will take that to heaven with me and treasure it always.

If you want me just call, if I can, I will turn back just so I can let you know I am well. Please mum, don’t cry, you know I get upset when you do.
One last thing, Dylan is telling me, when you read this it will bring you both a mixture of peace and joy, if you show anyone else , all they’ll see, are empty pages.... that’s the beauty of heaven, it’s magical.  

Love you Mum and Dad, Love you Gary an Ian ... One last thing mum, Mary just told me your going to have another baby, a girl ... Wow, I really must come back for that.
                xxxx

I re-read  to ensure I’d told them everything... my heart is full, I'm warm. Mary and Dylan stand quite close. I Smile.

"Thank you for giving me this wonderful opportunity"

I take my letter, I repeatedly kiss the kisses... I breathe in my lasting words, words and thoughts my family will get to read and hopefully understand.   I feel an enormous pull on not wanting to leave, and whilst I promise myself never to forget this moment, I lay the letter flat on my dressing table... Silence permeates my room.

“May I say goodbye?”

Smiles widen in acknowledgement.

I leave to say a final farewell, and for the first time I get a real sense of what I’m actually preparing to do. Stepping into the familiar lounge I see a sight that I know will never leave me, all my family lovingly huddled together in a tight group... 

Mary and Dylan take a hand each, and as we move towards the next world,

I tearfully whisper... Goodbye.

A Kiss from my Rose...

I know I heard this song for the very first time today...... yet, I have known this song and her voice all of my life. Flashbacks grab me as I witness a frightened me, a scared myself and a terrified I.

I’m five years old, standing on the busiest motorway of life... lyrical notes crash to my core like a vehicle smashing into me at a million miles an hour...but, instead of being killed, I sense complete serenity when hit so violently... A hit that's totally mingled with the beauty of her voice, whom I instantly realise is my imaginary mother... and while the real mother looks down at me and scowls disgustedly... my  imaginary mother is always ready to take over, reassuring me that everything's going to be ok, I'm going to be ok... I infinitely know as long as I can hear her voice, feel her music, sense her warm presence, I will never have to be afraid, because the one good thing I'm always very clever at, is closing my eyes... Flashbacks in the present still happen, not as often, but despite never having had this particular one before, I was able to close my eyes and not feel the normal overwhelming, panicky fear... even now, music, scents, experiences bring them all to the fore, sometimes they are pleasant, sometimes they are not... Today’s been heavenly despite the reminder that my real mother had her own problems, and in spite of her having so many children, this unfortunately did not bring her peace or happiness ... I’ve listened to the music several times and memorised its beautiful haunting melody, especially the angelic voice that saved me all those years ago.. It just goes to show, children quite often, are magically resilient, they willingly engulf themselves into a world that others cannot see...  It's a world seldom spoke about, due to the nature or reason the child lives trapped within both spheres... Even to an innocent child, her realistic world is not acceptable, but because it’s the only world she knows, she lives anxiously within, creating a whole new world that for her happens just as realistically as her everyday challenging one....

Today I give thanks and am grateful for my imaginary mother, who came to me in what was at times, my most horrendous hours of need... and for the first time in a long time, I heard her voice, was embraced by her heavenly music and despite all of previous difficulties, I felt a definite warmth from my past.

I believe there is a god, he assists us... he makes things possible and allows things to happen... he is clever, there are lessons within all of this... but it’s not a test, it’s a path... our path, our journey, our joy, our pain... It makes us who we are, and it’s who we are, that has an amazing impact on the world, people, and every single living being...  my real journey started in 2009 and my wish is this... 'long may I walk for I know my lesson is not over'  

I have never been one to want to be on my own, so please, won’t you stay with me!

National Butchers Week...

Award Winning Butcher launches educational visits to Blackburn Market

Courtesy of www.blackburnlife.com
Who's consistant support is always very much appreciated! What a brilliant week we're going to have. ~ 25th - 31st March. Come on Support your local butcher!

LIEBSTER Award...

I still can’t believe I’ve won an award: The ‘Liebster Award’ has been awarded to me by my gorgeous friend Irish… http://irishpenn.blogspot.com/  When I opened my email, I knew I was completely overwhelmed because after reading the good news for the tenth time, the penny finally dropped. I’m lifted and truthfully grateful.  Knowing my words mean something to someone is truly an honor.

For those of you who are not familiar what the word Liebster, it is of German origin and means “Favorite, beloved, dearest” 

The honor of accepting the award is traditionally done in the following way:

1. Show thanks to the blogger who awarded you by linking back to their blog.
2. Pick 5 blogs with less than 200 followers and let them know about your nomination by leaving a comment on their blog
3. Post the award on your blog!

Irish, I send my gratitude to you dear friend. I am delightfully happy to be able to pass along the love to these lovely, deserving people:

http://gilmorehousebb.blogspot.com/   ~ One of my absolute, favourite bloggers:  A blogger who distributes random ramblings of what’s going on at their B&B. This is a wonderful blog which is so interesting to me, because this is one of my dreams... I’m determined to one day own a B&B with an attached cafe by the sea... I love people and I feel this is going to be the ideal way to connect.

http://ravenmyth.blogspot.com/   ~ The moment I connected with Leanne, who is also a medium clairvoyant, I felt the strongest pull... On my road to find answers, this lady answered some... her blog is interesting, pulling you in to the point that when you look at the time, your mind wonders where the heck it went!

http://widowlady302.blogspot.com/  ~ Lisa writes her blog with the most amazing thought and compassion, her experiences are overwhelmingly familiar and bring comfort to me and everyone she touches... her beautiful compassionate words strike a chord within us all. I wouldn’t miss Lisa’s thoughts and writing for anything.

http://eatingliferaw.blogspot.com/   ~ Lisa writes one of the most wonderful, thought provoking blogs. ‘Eating Life Raw’ is very close to my heart... Her words always seem to penetrate my spirit, and her thoughts join to show me this lady has a beautiful soul. Lovely Lisa, says it has she sees it and along with her genuineness, I am truthfully grateful to have connected with her not just in the blogging world, but on other networks too. 

http://paulinembarclay.blogspot.com/ Scribbles... Last but definitely not least... Pauline Barclay, a fab lady who lives on one of the beautiful Canary Islands.  This gorgeous lady shares the beauty of that island, as well as her experience as a wonderful writer. Her blog is so superb, with interesting pictures, reviews and her consistent generosity at promoting other writers etc. 

Promoting these Blogs has been a great experience... Pass it on!  

World Bloggers Community...

http://worldbloggerscommunity.ning.com/profile/JaneEwen

What's Happening Today?

Today I'm learning to face my fears.....

Marcus Aurelius:

“If you are distressed by anything external,
the pain is not due to the thing itself,
but to your estimate of it;
and THIS you have the POWER to revoke at any moment“.

 I heard somewhere, ‘you gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do’ ~ I need to do this, so today I make a start on facing my fear….

Namaste

I Want Tomorrow...

Take my hand, I will find a way... Come-on I know we can do this! (Jane Ewen)

When you see your world change and from all appearances it seems to have changed forever (not necessarily in a good way) ... What you really, really want, is for somebody to tell you kindly, what you need to do... Looking back, I feel so lucky to have always found, it's been the little things in life that have moved me to the point of learning something valuable. The big things, even if these were way out of my reach, have never made me unhappy... When one bares their soul and talks tentatively about a taboo subject... Well, I’m not sure how you’d feel, but in my world that points favourably towards a genuine person, a person whose determination is so strong, that it speaks volumes on how important it is for them to help others during their walk along this juddering path some of us call life.  

At this time in my life... I find my world full of uncertainty, danger and I further find that all stressful situations challenge me, to a much higher degree than I might normally feel... it’s led me to become, completely overwhelmed by immense fear, panic, anxiety and stress.

If I’m honest, looking further back I guess it all started as a child, through no fault of my own I unknowingly became institutionalised. I grew up allowing others to control me; I didn’t develop a voice until much later in life, and to this day I believe had I had my child sooner, I would have developed a strength in me that naturally occurs when you hold your baby for the first time. 

It pains me to share that I’ve sadly succumbed to depression... There it’s out!  In my once bouncy, magical world of love and happiness, I’ve gone to a place I knew existed, but quite rightly refused to visit... Now here in that dark, dreary hole of a world... for months I’ve felt alone, I’ve blocked everyone out who wanted to help... I’ve pretended everything’s alright; I’ve said everything’s fine, but even I couldn’t ignore uncharacteristic behaviour. Which, sadly manifested in not answering the phone, isolating myself to the point of not living?  Apart from being with immediate family, I’ve managed to turn into the most unsociable person, and one thing’s for sure, THIS is not me... I love life, I love people, and I love the differences amongst us.

I think others will recognise this next statement...  In my other world, depression is for weak people, weak people who can’t cope. It’s sad that their seen to be weaklings; but these people let every little, stressful, situation... attach itself to them... They sink. On my current journey, I see that, yes maybe there are weak people, but I’ve also discovered this weakness I’m personally experiencing, has come after years and years of showing a lionesses strength, by swallowing, putting up with and ignoring vital, important signals that I’ve consistently squished, squashed and pushed away. Worst of all ignored... Well the time has finally come, it’s payday within the psyche of Jane Ewen... I do wonder if this has now transpired, because I find myself surrounded by so many wonderful people, and maybe, just maybe I feel that now I feel safe it’s time to face my demons and clear issues old and new.  

Writing is everything to me... however, if you do me the honour of following, I am sure you will see the difference between the amount of writing that’s currently taking place, in comparison to what I use to do, then you may understand, that for me, I need a place that’s not overwhelmed by all of the above... Please dont misunderstand, to write, I don’t need to be happy, No, but I do need to be in a place that allows my mind, body and spirit, the joy of using my imagination to flow with creative juices, thus enabling me to  magically visualise what I need to say, then hopefully, write in such a way that I manage to take you there with me... Well that’s the intention.

I suppose you see, that I couldn’t go on like this... I needed to sort it, stand up and proactively work on a much needed solution... as you may be aware, over the past twelve months I’ve tried several things to try and aid my progression towards the path, a path back to the person I feel I use to be.

I had an appointment yesterday... An appointment that‘s quite possibly sparked me back on the road to recovery... some of you out there will know how debilitating this condition can be, and once a sufferer... it’s hard to focus or even concentrate. Sadly it usually brings other problems which are just further symptoms of suffering stress, or even feeling distressed...  which I feel I have been for a while. So if you read this and think me weak, I ask that you please don’t judge anyone until you’ve been in their shoes... I’ve been honest, already I feel better, because for me one of the important things in all of this, is the love of my family and friends and the next important thing is my honesty in opening up and finally, genuinely sharing just part way of how I feel...

Yesterday I also scarily recognised, that if people in my life knew how I really felt, it would frighten them... Acknowledgement and writing have already helped; I feel uplifted, and hopefully the old I will return, going on to cope just like I use to.

I ask that you don’t worry, just please know I’m getting there, because the most positive thing to date, is this... it seems once you suffer from depression, you lose the ability to plan for the future. I’m happy to report that thankfully that particular skill is returning, and already I’m visualising some very special plans.  

Please don’t forget... Stay Close!

Thoughts for today...

Learn... Grow... Transform... We are all different... For me, it’s so incredibly important to be able to understand everything, including myself... It’s so important to know where I’ve come from and very importantly, where I’m going... With all that knowledge, I will feel safe knowing I’m doing my very best to embrace all that I am, and all that I will become.

Very strange day with a real sense of everything becoming extremely profound, probably due to how I’m feeling... (Neither up nor down) just balanced (for once) they do say that sometimes, thoughts and things, brings a certain equilibrium to the melting pot. The deeper I become, the more I sense those thoughts clearly ... But, for once, I’d like to keep my thoughts focused on a much calmer, more light hearted approach to how I feel...  

Errmmm... (I smile) wondering, is that at all possible? ~ I’m not sure, come on let’s see, I do promise you that I’ll try!   

Today two thoughts have figured strongly on what I see as my road to recovery... The first  for some strange reaso, is that I’ve been remembering people who’ve figured very strongly in my life... particularly, people who are no longer around, they were here, but now they’ve gone... I'll add hastily... not necessarily to the other side!  ;-) I don’t mind sharing with you that some of those people I truly loved, but I sit here content in the strong belief that they loved me just as much, and I wonder if thoughts on them today have been more a thread of wishful thinking, in terms of wishing they were still around. I suppose this has a lot to do with what I’m going through, however, I'm not saying I’m unhappy with the people who are in my life at present... not at all... just thoughts tumbling around whilst I speak out loud... which by the way I think I’m getting pretty good at, and funnily enough, these tumbling thoughts magically enable me to heal little ~ by little...  

This brings me to the second part of those thoughts... the reflection, that we should never be too quick to discount the effect that those around have on us, our time and our space...  this also has to include the impact that our own presence has on the lives of those around us. Sometimes I physically shudder when I suddenly see the whole picture... but on this occasion I gladly observe that even the person who sits in the corner unable to take part for whatever reason, even they have an effect on people in the room...  We all encompass the potential to have an immense impact on other people... So I never personally take it for granted that the person who walks into my life, won’t be important... hence the picture and statement above...

'When the student is ready ~ the teacher will appear’

To me this means... to be taught, one has to be ready to receive necessary information... if you’re ready, then doors will be open to acceptance, learning and very importantly understanding.

Today I spent quite some time thinking about what had gone before, and what it meant to me... Tomorrow I pray that my heart will no longer hang on to closed doors and ghostly images. I will be encouraged to let go gently, so that beautiful memories will help and be instrumental when I step closer to a bright future...  

Before I close, I’d like to take this wonderful opportunity to count all previous relationships and people as blessings, and then further wish those that are no longer in my life the very best of love, happiness and peace... Then looking out to all of you who are still in my life, I’d like to pray in wander and say ‘I love you all and I am so truthfully thankful that you are still with me’

Namaste.....