Dreams & Drama...

I have a sleep condition which unfortunately, seems to prevent me from dreaming. Despite this, but prior to being diagnosed I always use to dream, I loved my dreams. I have to share that I’ve never dreamt about my father... I’d like to say he was the best dad in the world... but he wasn’t. I know if he was here now he’d tell you the same. I don’t understand why but for the past two weeks I’ve had several vivid dreams, and in each one he has told me something special...

The road is long... through the haze of a dazzling mid-day sun; I watch speckles of dust as they dance high into the air... Looking around there are no signs of life, except for a single dwelling with a separate garage on my left, and a single double fronted shop on my right.

My focus is the shop.

Without taking my eyes off the shops door, I notice I’m breathless; I became aware of a dog running. There’s tightness in my chest as I flick frightened eyes to the left... oh my God, no, no, no... A Rottweiler is running after me. In sheer panic I wrap my arms around myself. It zips through my mind like a gramophone player, don't you run, don't you run, Nooooooo... don't you dare run... Oh god it’s on me.  It rises up, wraps huge front paws around me and as if in slow motion it walks in a grotesque fashion, alongside. I don't falter, I don't stop but I'm choking, my eyes stream. Terrified, I’m petrified of dogs.   

Growls, snarls, the glint from polished teeth snap, snap snapping.

I’m going to die, so with one last effort I push open the shop door... My eyes meet his... I open my mouth; I struggle, and in barely a whisper

"Dad... dad, Dog"

He knows I’m frightened, his hand reaches across the counter, and he grasps a handful of sweets, colourful, sugary temptations.

Defiantly he steps towards me and in a booming, Irish voice he commands the dog to sit. It falls away from me exposing angry red welts across my body.

It sits.  

His gaze steady on the dog as he offered more sweets.  

Standing at his side I continue to shake from head to toe. I become completely overwhelmed by my dad’s presence and the most incredible feeling of love, warmth, and safety permeates me. Grateful, I watch as he continues to feed the dog, he tells me not to worry, he says he’s been poorly for the longest time, and that I need to listen to more music, he says on the other side he’s a teacher, and as if by some form of magical enchantment, a magnificent white, grey horse appears, and when dad turns his attention to give it a sweet, for me it’s all too much.

In my roller-coaster of deep, dark emotion, I finally break down and let it all out.

Opening confused, sleep filled eyes... I realise I've been in a land of the unknown, and that I’d met and communicated with my deceased father...

Once I'd calmed ,and in soulful reflection realised there was evidence that my story is set to continue. I felt fortunate to have acquired essential knowledge that this journey is far from over; holding that confirmation fills me with ease.

As I dress and plan for the day ahead, in my mind's eye I see the old Irish rogue who very rarely smiled but oh when he did my world lit right up...

~Jane Ewen~

Peace...

Image used from Pinterest quoting Jimi Hendrix.

I read this on my travels today...

One finds peace in their life when they first find peace in their heart.
~ Sue Krebs~
From Soul-Speaking
https://www.facebook.com/Jane.Ewen?ref=hl#!/SoulSpeaking?fref=ts 

Peace has always meant a great deal to me, and given I have walked a journey where at intervals I have known such unpredictable disturbances, and lived through catastrophic changes; it is not surprising I understand the importance of such a beautiful gift. Seeing the above quote caused a whole array of thoughts, and feelings to spill...

There is something in understanding that when you feel no peace there is always, sadly, a catastrophic reason... I don’t mind sharing I was once in a place where I felt no peace at-all. Its one thing to be restless and wonder what the hell’s it all about, but for it to be taken, broken, and thrown to the four winds, making you question everything you thought you knew, now there’s something that could and virtually can destroy you. Occasionally it’s realistic to be acquainted with the perplexing knowledge, that maybe one or two things might knock you off guard, but when the big one comes, and literally floors you... you know without doubt, you’re in trouble.

I don’t mean to ramble, because my intention here is to bring a specific point in a concise piece, you may be on your knees, and the problem might still be in your life, but surprisingly it’s possible to come to terms with its devastation, because the strange thing about life is that mostly it has an out of the ordinary way of turning around, and unexpectedly, it can present you with questions, and answers that actually you hadn’t thought of.

I can only report I am victim, and a witness to this testimony, that no matter how dreadful it gets there is usually a way forward, and I suppose that depends on you, your strength, your support, the resolve, and commitment to stay upright and focused on those around you, including yourself... Give yourself time; make a plan, and never mind taking one day at a time, sometimes it has to be an hour, a moment or even a minute. It can be done, but take the pressure of yourself and those around you by keeping your expectation to a minimum. Remember stuff happens but life goes on.

Good Luck my friend.

 If one breathes in hope, and then breathes out peace, a ripple will crisscross the world.

~JaneEwen~

The Visitant...

Image used from www.gofundme.com

 



I am a real being brought into this world by mistake. Along the way I managed to acquire a deep understanding of what a home truly means. I guess it might have helped if there’d been ‘A once upon a time fairytale’ when in reality, I didn’t have a home. The truth, there was no belonging, not anywhere... I repeat with great sadness that we had no place to go. So if you can... come close, let me share a few dark secrets of a journey which once smouldered within a framework of tortured thoughts.

In their terrible dilemma the young couple didn’t know what to do, beat by life, and unrelenting poverty their all consuming thoughts of seeking refuge might be a good idea... In a moment of madness they use the last of their money to buy tickets so that they can return to his beloved Emerald Isle. There was a real need to seek much needed solace.

Hidden from sight, their tiny bundle is screwed up in a dirty blanket, semi-protected from icy cold wind, and freezing spray from the raging Irish Sea. The threesome, make their way on an uncertain journey towards his goal. Smoke billows above the young couple as they share one cigarette after another, and when they share alcohol too, their already confused minds decide this is the perfect thing, the only thing they can do. The new father stuffs his newborn infant further into his oversized, waterproof coat; he doesn’t want to lose this cargo, not when he’s made the right decision to protect his family. With a faraway look on his drunken face, mystically he hears panpipes of Celtic music, and remembers home... Home is where they should be. His mother was a hard soul but she would accept them, she had to.

Though the journey is long and arduous, it is nothing compared to the hysterical screams of abuse which follow as he, his new wife, and tiny baby are chased from his childhood home.

Wind and rain thrash madly about them, but equally it matches the mood of his mother.

Breathing heavy, holding her hip she chases them.

 

“You are not welcome; things are hard enough without another three mouths to feed” She screams.

 

If in that heart-stopping moment you’d held on to your breath, and listened hard enough, you would have heard the distinct sound of fractured fear in her voice.

Tears mix with rain that day, exhausted and defeated, they walk wearily back to the harbour. By the time they arrive back in England, the impact of the whole horrendous journey on their newborn baby had taken its toll, and in a flash of inspiration, the father takes his sick infant to a convent. The nuns waste no time at all; the sick child is whisked away, and admitted to the children’s hospital. Unfortunately she’s diagnosed with a list of difficulties, the most apparent one being the fact she is struggling to breathe... It takes eight months for the child to recover, and in-between that time the couple still fail to find a home; they decide on another move... But first they have to wait for the baby to be released from her magic bubble, the only home she’s ever known. Shaking his box of matches through the glass in her bubble is the only way the young father gets his little girl to smile.

The second home is a single room in a run-down Victorian house. Invasive damp, black mould, peeling wall-paper, cold, fighting, unsavoury individuals, and their ever increasing alcohol fuelled violence. Then her brother is born, which put’s further stress on the young couple. Minutes turn into hours, and hours turn into days, all of which see a definite longing in the little girl to return to her magic bubble, it had been safe, quiet, and warm with smiley faces. Her heart feels forever sad...

The couple unhappy; they struggle, and always find something insignificant to fight about. Another baby sister is born and dies. The damp, cold, smelly room is depressing and sad.

The mother cries, and the dad is always missing.

 

This is their life, her life... so why didn’t they see that all she wants is a warm, safe place, with a soft clean bed, and parents who understand the basic requirements of how to love, provide, and protect.  

The story doesn’t finish there... because despite her young years she is often found sitting in the soulless Victorian room, which inevitably becomes someone else’s version of home. She knows, as if from a magical sense of a long-held memory, that this isn’t so. And then, god help them, another beautiful baby sister is born and dies.

By the time she is seven years old, and the powers that be take a keen interest in her family’s life, there is a change, a big shift, and along with four brothers and one sister, at long last she is gratefully removed. Her placement is dreamlike, a wonderful experience. The magic bubble she’d left all those years ago, was about to reappear, and this brought the most amazing sense of belonging. She arrived; she was home, with real people who knew how to take care of children, they knew what was important in the life of a child.

So dear reader, the outcome for this little girl was the overwhelming importance in finally arriving home, and once she was there, she found love, enveloped in warmth, and a true sense of belonging, as well as having peace, and joy in feeling safe, and secure knowing it would all be there every single day... 

Home is many things to many people, but when a being is brought into the world, and has no home, the importance of getting one is paramount; even if that means having to leave your own family to acquire that very basic, fundamental need, which is normally granted to most... then, it simply has to be.

~Jane Ewen~

 

An Affinity...

Image from Free Pics on Google.

 

 



A small collection of words to highlight my thoughts today:

 

All my life I’ve possessed an amazing affinity with the human-race... no matter what’s been thrown my way, I’ve never lost my love for humanity. Yes I know there are bad-apples, but hell, we can’t paint everyone with the same drippy brush... Remember; just as there are bad-apples, there are many more good ones... I'll always challenge wrong doing, or stick up for the under-dog, and if you’re my friend then rest assured that I’ll be loyal till the end.. Unless of course you decide to end it yourself, and then I may, or may not understand, but I would always respect your decision... although I’d question it!  For as long as I can recall I’ve always had an insatiable need to understand, but unfortunately I’ve met a few people who have not been able to shine light on their inconsistent thoughts and actions... I feel sorry for these individuals, because to be unable to discuss feelings, thoughts, and ideas, must be a real lonely deal. 

Those of you who know me, understand I like to share how I feel, how I see things and right now I’m feeling this... I’ve recently had a civilised rant on facebook, and then discussed findings with some lovely peeps... I feel truly blessed to have many gorgeous people in my life, and I will never get tired of telling them... We’re lucky to have each other, and although sad things can often happen, it doesn’t mean we cannot get up and move forward. I think the only time I’ll stop, is when I’ve moved on to my beautiful island in paradise, and even then I’ll continue to strive towards keeping others in mind... It's simple, we just have to take care of each other. I know  to some that might seem crazy, but to me it makes the best sense in the whole wide world. 

Thoughts are where it starts; actions are what make it happen, so if you look to another who is without a smile, then give them one of yours, it’s a great start...   

 

~Jane Ewen~ 

Dreams, Wishes & Feelings...

Right now my friend all I know is that I’ve been fortunate enough to grow in an ever-changing world, and no matter what, I will never... not ever, let go of my dreams...

DREAMS... I have a few, all involve my beautiful family.

WISHES... are for my voice to be eventually heard, as well as all the emotion contained within each word and setting. And if it doesn’t sound conceited, I am hopeful it will allow others to experience it to the full.   

FEELINGS... that they persist in being continuous and they are never far away from a single thought.

I am always surprised where the journey takes me...

Stepping out of one’s comfort zone in terms of what one writes is mind blowing to say the least... Very often I find myself talking about facts, the past, present and future. I discuss how I feel, what I perceive others may believe.  It always feels extremely important for me to share a lot of deep, often confusing experiences that usually becomes clearer as I go on to discuss further within my own world of words... I always disclose my writing to be therapeutic, and holding hand on heart, I continue to confirm that for me, this is so... I always find myself to be comfortingly realistic, with incessant remarks about my lack of education; I very often wonder where I might have been today, had my parents been different or if my upbringing had been a little closer to normal... Other times I feel a little melancholy, especially when I think I might have been a bit more receptive to possible opportunities... Who knows, had my life taken a different path I might even have been an accomplished author... Writing words and thoughts full to bursting, impregnated with my own unique expressions, and novels to delight all the people I want to spiritually and blissfully touch.  

Every day I feel the need to progress with my writing, I very often write and don’t share... I have two novels on the go and with any possible luxury of spare time; these will get worked on...  Just as much as words are terribly important, so are people... family, friends & strangers.  I feel I have an affinity with all of human kind... I will profess to liking animals, but not as much as humans. I am able to stand next to a complete stranger, and feel an amazing amount of information, and on occasion if they turn to me, we can become engulfed in conversation and it naturally feels like we have know each other for years.   I quite often find myself feeling another’s pain, happiness, disappointment and I have to make sure that I tell myself in no uncertain terms, that those experiences are happening to another and not to me... I have discovered that feeling someone else’s emotions at such an incredible intensity, may mean I have the qualities of an Empath, and I guess this is why it’s taken me, heaven knows how many years to be able to distance myself to such an extent, so that when I receive another’s energy, it doesn’t make me unwell.

I don’t proclaim to know it all, I believe I’ve learned a lot but I also believe I have a heck of a lot to learn... This is why I consider myself to be blessed, and it’s also why I live in hope that the PLOT will thicken...

~AngelJane~ 

 

The Glorious Sea...

One fine day when I live by the deep blue sea, I’ll happily share the delights I know I will encounter. The dream has been a long one; time has shown me that there is certainly a deep timeless yearning that may possibly go on forever... I happily suffer hallucinations and with warm enthusiasm, I welcome all future, blissful possibilities they represent.   

I will fully endeavour to describe the way the sea kisses its shore; I will help you the reader to visualise sea creatures as they tentatively step out of from beneath the ocean’s froth, on to fine sugary sand. As I breathe in deep, I will open with honesty; blue eyes wide, so that you distinctly hear the most amazing sounds, breathe in the most beautiful smells and see with crystal like clarity, indescribable sights...

There is a world where one can go, a world that needs to be enjoyably viewed by invitation... If I have the sight to describe my world to you, then hopefully you’ll have your own uncapped power to soak up all its magnificence... I don’t mind saying, my world can be full of mystery, my dreams beyond compare... Stark thoughts are ever abundant.

All of these ever increasing qualities grow consistently week by week, year by year... giving so much to my globe, my imagination. I may build a universe, describe a war or even share my deepest thoughts ... and quite often I find that my head spins uncontrollably non stop ... the hardest part I occasionally find, is not the sharing of my passion... but retaining it.

I want to delight, appeal, fascinate, tempt, enchant and charm... I have just got to touch your deepest nerve, penetrate your softest core so that you understand every single day there is someone you can touch, help and support with a simple smile... I know this like I know, night follows day...

The story is not yet over; it begins with all of us every single day! 


~JaneEwen~

 

I am Me... Do you know who you are?

I don’t think I will ever be able to articulate eloquently enough, what being ME actually means... Just being able to communicate from my heart & soul is enough to enable me to carry on communicating to family, friends and strangers. You may not believe this, but once upon a long time ago I would not have dared to say BOO to a goose... I’ve come a long way, I have found out who I am, I have grown to love the me I have become, and that in itself is honestly amazing.

What have I learned this past week...?

That sometimes I can be a little thoughtless, and I need to remember not everyone is like me; they don’t want their business shouted from the roof-tops... I have witnessed that having things to look forward to, makes life that bit more exciting... And from this week’s experiences, it’s been reinforced that family and friends are super-duper important... I have further realised that no matter what one does for another, it won’t make them happy unless they engage 100% ... I think I’ve recently understood that I cannot fix everyone, but I have a feeling that will be an ongoing journey of progression, since I truly sense because of who I am I will never give up trying... I have also further discovered that I seriously have the best husband in the whole wide world; he is such a beautiful soul, so caring, so kind and so considerate... I am a lucky lady to have met and married such a wonderful man, he brings out the best in me and that further adds to the extraordinary wonder of our marriage...

I also know that no matter what we learn, what we run with and who we love and support, the journey will be as long as our learning is on this planet... every brand new day is beautiful, the skills we use to progress will always have an impact on those around us, that’s why it’s ultra important to use Kindness as your key... with kindness, peace always appears and peace is the very best start for learning and wisdom....  If you sit back, reflect and share all that you discover, individuals will become so much wiser and able to pass along shared knowledge ... choices have impact, make sure your choices are for the best... that will then be the justice you bestow on countless others.

Now to look forward to next week and see what develops as I further investigate on this wonderful journey that's set before me...

Don’t you forget... stay close and visit often, your company is most welcome...

AngelJane

Past, Present and Future...

PAST, PRESENT and FUTURE...

I have been away from my much-loved Blog for a while; I have so much to share, and so much to tell... I do like to talk about my past, present and future... those of you who know me understand how I’m happily able to unconditionally share the clean-up process of my child-hood. I’ve been able to do this because quite rightly I grew to understand, the adults involved made a right old mess of it. I have been blessed to at last be able to let go of the past and forgive, but even at this point in time the one thing I've found difficult to do, is FORGET... joyfully though, I have managed to stop it from making me sad, and that blissfully happened when I finally forgave.  For me overcoming insecurities unlocked enormous courage, which I realise silently resides deep within each and everyone of us... I am fortunate because I've managed to developed a true healing heart however, despite this abundant knowledge, I occasionally get the odd crack but thank goodness I have my writing, my words, my family and friends as well as myself... All I understand, is that you cannot live In fear and experience love.

I love to engage, I love to share, I love to show and I love to tell. This is something that’s grown with age, but for me showing vulnerability, being transparent with a genuine soul, and able to demonstrate love is the positive way forward, and if I am these things and more then I will not falter on my journey. I love to see light in people’s eyes, it shows that possibly they are open, they are listening, and I further understand it’s not over for that person, and there's evidence that they will be fine if they are receptive to help, advice and support... for me as long as a light shines there is a promise, a chance.

I have found I am able to stand strong, and I always do what I have to do, but sometimes, depending on the amount of deception present in another, and because I am not made from stone, I very often feel sad, even a little disappointed in their ability to communicate, however this doesn’t deter me, it spurs me on to be able to show them, that not everybody should be painted with the same brush... It also saddens me that a whole lot of people seem hell-bent on labelling another’s good intentions, and will create barriers, this is perfectly acceptable if they have been through a lot, but then there comes a point when another can only do so much to prove oneself or their actions ... I believe those individuals are the hardest to come to terms with, because it just reinforces what I’ve been told a million times...

You cannot fix everyone!

But why not!

If a hurt/damaged person sits, we have a conversation, you respectfully listen, you share your heart and soul, you go on to give strategies and with their input you show a plan for the future, and then you realise still, damn, this isn’t enough, then the alternative for me is the head banging fact, one has to reluctantly walk away, and that my friend is a very hard thing to do.  I guess I’ve personally overcome much, I know it’s not been easy, but I also know ‘WE’ cannot blame our past for everything; it really infuriates me that some people will do that and then carry on to blame their upbringing for some of the most heinous crimes that they’ve done. There is a time when we must take and accept responsibility for our own choices and existence, and move on with decorum.

May courage, confidence and strength always be yours...

Don’t forget till next time, Stay Close!  

AngelJane

Thoughts from near and far...

I have many thoughts; they all safely ramble, and are contained securely within my head-space. Occasionally they are connected to my heart beat and this makes them super-thoughts...

It’s been a little while since my last visit to a much loved blog, but for me it always bears repeating that my absence sometimes causes me concern... I guess quite a few of you will know that this beautiful world I’ve managed to create has been my very own, wonderful healing space, my off-loading arena, my stadium, my sanctuary.

Officially the journey began in 2009... An atrocious year, where I thought for a shattering moment, I was going to stop breathing. In 2009 I was given the most devastating news about my beautiful girl.... I’m glad to say we have come a long way since then, but my girl has sadly endured much. The last bout of radiotherapy seems to have halted the beast within its injurious tracks... the size of it has changed, the radiation is causing it to shrink, the pain level has more than abated, and the outlook for our future has much improved.   

When I think about what she has endured I want to cry so much but I’m truly proud of her, so much so, that I have tentatively submitted a piece to the’ Scottish Book Trust’ for it to hopefully be accepted, to possibly be included in a beautiful new book called ‘Treasures’ I will include the link for those who have time to check it out...

http://www.scottishbooktrust.com/reading/treasures/extraordinary-treasures

My life has been a whirlwind of challenges and changes. I am happy to say we are seeing a beautiful light through what was threatening darkness.  The outlook has improved with my positivity level soaring, so having wonderful family and friends around, has been an absolute bonus as well as my recent change in jobs. To feel happy and content is one thing; to actually feel completely worthwhile is another... During this journey I have fantastically found, I am coming into contact with a number of individuals who are blowing me away... As much as I love my writing, my words, and my stories, I have to admit I have never shared a passion for POETRY... in spite of this; I have come across the most remarkable young man, whose beautiful poetry now makes my day... I joked with him and delightfully shared that when I recite his magic, I sing... Here’s his link, if you decide to check him out, please share with him that Jane sent you... You won’t be disappointed!

https://www.facebook.com/jane.ewen.18?ref=tn_tnmn#!/nekatu

My thoughts always begin and end with the most important people in my life, my wonderful husband, my beautiful daughter, my amazing son-in-law to be and my very special granddaughter... Wow I am so exceptionally lucky, no wonder my thoughts stop and start with them...

Hope you manage to stay awhile as I have another looming post ready to publish. Draw that chair closer, it be good to keep you here longer!

My Father...

The big question for me this week was something I’ve been concentrating on for a little while... Although I have to profess, I don’t quite have all the answers but you know how I love to share, waffle and divulge.  Come on pull up a chair and stay a few moments, I would love to talk to you...

I use to think I was a dreamer and I suppose to some extent a lot of us might have that delightful trait securely fixed within our own wonderful personalities ... but recently oh how I've wistfully looked back on vague and distant memories of my father. It's made me wonder if a part of me is like he was. The thing I know more than anything about my dad, is that when I was little, I missed him so much... he was never around, but I will never forget the bond I had with him... When I did get to see him I recall I’d quietly watch him, and wonder what made him tick. (Due to the way I was brought up) When I did get to see him, I would usually feel a deep sense of sadness because here was my very own dad, but I didn’t really know him...  When I was small, I would sit quietly to observe him. To this day I still remember the way he'd sit in his chair, the way his blue eyes would flicker from side to side, and I’d know instinctively he was thinking... to me he was always the thinker, a mystical force that I'd fantasise about. I wanted to be near him, and have him tell me he was proud of me, that he loved me, but mostly, I wanted him to be the dad I remembered. I'd reminisce vividly how I use to believe I was able hear him think... Sad wonder is, I never actually heard/saw or understood his thoughts or the man he was.  To this day, I still wish it would be possible to sit with him, and ask all the many unanswered questions...  

 

Parents are so terribly important in our lives, their input is massive in terms of our development, but where the hell does one go when faced with the loneliness of being brought up and living in the company of strangers... Let me tell you this... Yes I believe their absence impacted on me, and my siblings, but in the long run I’ve personally come to no harm from not having a family, despite wanting one that I would have loved deeply... Instead I had a different upbringing. In many ways I was lonely, but my past I'd describe as character forming, with a whole load of empty longing.

 

Despite everything, life still managed to magically instil in me many things that have become super important... The amazing thing is that I know who I am, where I came from, where I’ve been and where there is yet for me to go... I believe the past is what makes us, and I agree with all the current quotes... The past does not define, but it sure as hell has a major input into personality... I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again for the benefit of any readers who have been through the same or even similar experiences...  what happened in my childhood was NOT my fault, the people to blame are the adults who were around...The sad thing is how much they lost out, but thank god I made sure I broke the circle. My child was not beaten, neglected and neither was she abused...  why the hell would anyone do that to another? So if you’re reading this and blaming your upbringing for something you've done or are presently doing ... FORGET IT... You’re in control, you’re the adult and it’s up to you to do the right thing... All I understand is that children, life, including every single, living being are important and super precious. We don’t get this time back, so we have to do the right thing... make the right choices... No excuses... NONE!!

No matter what you’ve been through, you have to try your very best in life, don’t paint everyone with the same brush, because this will only hold you back, and might even paralyse. So come on embrace life... believe me, you’ll find what you put in, you’ll get back.  Be yourself, be real, don’t have a hidden agenda, just bring your lovely personality to life, and share unconditionally...

Life is too short to do anything else!


I really do believe in being mindful of people’s feelings and despite writing about my past, present and future... I sincerely hope others recognise I take my written words seriously... I do not wish to lay blame, hurt or accuse anyone... I simply want to write truth as I understand and perceive it. I dont know how it happened, but I've magically grown from a very dysfunctional family background. I think I can safely say because of the vast and varied different input, I have been so lucky and managed to find the real me...  And that is always worth celebrating...

Breathe... Focus... Relax...

Stay close.  

Why do I Sit and Write...

There is something magical about bringing words together which help to shape thoughts and pictures as a story, or project develops... The more you practice the better it feels to be able to sit and sense a whole new world appear right before your very eyes... The extra special magic linked with your words and thoughts, is when you become utterly convinced that there is more where all of this comes from, and the wondrousness of it keeps you secretly buzzing, knowing you have so much to share....  

I use to think I wrote to understand what was going on around me, including what the world was trying to say. But, over the past few years I’ve grown to realise that just like a graffiti artist who displays his passion for the entire world to see, or the fine art painter whose work is judged for its beauty and meaningfulness, or even lovers who make sworn declarations of ardour as they carve their connected names, entwined within a single heart... I have discovered I write not only from my heart but from a spiritual soul... occasionally I have heard myself shout out to the world, or in fact to anyone who will listen. I have witnessed on more than one occasion how I like to shout loud enough to those I will one day leave behind... I feel I have no alternative within my position, I really have to communicate that I am here; this is me...  And then when I am in the privacy of my very own space, I make my statement, I heal my hurt, I roar from my wordy world, I’m alive, this is me... and then with heart and soul, my recognition of simply being, gently guides me towards knowing I love my family, I adore my friends... and I will forever have room in my life for strangers.

As I convey this to you, I roll my eyes to the back of my head because in the past I’ve been guilty of having loved unworthy people; I’ve even taken care of others who were not worth taking care of... and then on the other hand, I have met gorgeous individuals and quite rightly decided to leave them behind, but only because instinct cleverly enlightened me to the fact, they had to move on and be somewhere else... I have also touched hearts with a number of members from the human race, whose ‘agendas’ were so well hidden that even I failed in my initial assessment to see where they were coming from. I write further that I particularly feel all of this was absolutely necessary to get to this beautiful point that I’ve somehow magically reached... I’ve managed to make a life where all people contained, are out of this world darlings who continually love me unconditionally ... Sometimes I have ceremoniously felt able to hold that precious love between both hands and sense its specialness, and it always helps every part of my persistent growing psyche...

I’ve had to learn to write through my fear...fear being a real emotion that’s managed to hold me back... you know It takes real courage to write, and it takes even more courage to print... so opening oneself up to possible hostilities, would I imagine hold the strongest writers back, the possibility of rejection, the thought of people you know seeing and perhaps laughing at your type, it’s tone, the element of your own day dreams... I have been writing a while now, and have managed to build up a little protective armour, but I feel sure if someone made a destructive comment, because of who I am and my personality I would sadly be affected... however I know one thing for sure and that is this... I could never be affected to the point of stopping... Oh No, that would never happen ... this is me, I have something to say, and I will say it until I can say no more... 

 You know how I love to whisper be near... so come on move closer!

When I was 12years old...

Today is a wonderful day for most because it’s ‘MOTHERS DAY’ and yet how incredibly strange it feels for me... to know that my own biological mother is in a home dying... I came to the conclusion last night, that whatever she inflicted upon us she's suffered tenfold.

So on this wonderful Mothers day I write my post with so much love and haste, so that I can dedicate it to my beautiful girls... I write from my heart and I smile with its beats, because whether I ever make it in the literary world of beautiful, creative arts... I want both my darlings to know my work is for them. It’s filed, password protected for both of you... you will always have me near and within... I don’t plan on going anywhere just yet, but it’s a thought that I’ve never disclosed and so today with everything I know, I feel it’s the right time to share...

When I was 12years old I was what I always refer to as a ‘Child of Salford’... at that time I was happily in the care system. Saturday morning’s would find me in my own dream world, lying on my bed reading, and I always sensed, such captivating magic in-between each and every line or speech bubble... Education wise, I didn’t start school properly until I was 8yrs old, so you will understand catching up to my peers was ultra important to me. I recall excelling at English, however math’s was a complete disaster, and still is but you short change me and you’ll know about it! 

Back then I told myself I would be a writer, but then I lost sight of the dream with the toil of life and just living, getting by each day. I suppose I realised my late start in school and the important issue of missing parents and siblings, really had a devastating effect on life as well as my aspirations.  Instead it issued me with a dreadful sense of my own lack of confidence... I was not articulate and my grammar usually escaped me. Then four years ago when I had a real life-crisis, I suddenly realised writing was something I wanted to do more than ever. Finally I started writing a few pieces, and then I nervously produced my BLOG AngelJanes World... I also recall the elation at having a short story published by the Scottish book trust. To see and feel my very own words in print did something to my heart and soul. I guess you could say it made my spirit squeal in a way I’d never heard before.

My true belief is that although I’m sure I haven’t quite found my voice yet in the literary world, the one thing I am super sure about, is that I have a way of writing which I hope to retain... I want people to sense my passion and feel the genuineness in my voice, I want them to take the words in and know as I speak, I write... In taking original thoughts and ideas out, polishing stuff up and taking the edge off things... isn’t how I want my writing presented... although please don’t misunderstand, I want the work to be presented to you in a way that is intelligible, I just don’t want to lose the original voice or enthusiasm. I love the fact that most times when I read back, I feel like I’m having a conversation with myself... I also imagine certain faces and dreamily wonder what they might think...

On my journey of realisation, I further became conscious and subsequently watched as a whole new healing process beautifully took place, and I recall wanting to shed tears at all the unnecessary time I’d wasted. How much better things would have felt if I’d allowed myself the freedom to write, even if it was just for me....? Layer by layer sadness peeled back, I was able to face things which I’d refused to do previously. I hate conflict, I would run away from challenge and quite often I'd hide my head in the sand to avoid having to feel any more pain...

It’s taken so long to get to this point in time, but I’m deeply happy to be able to report that being here feels extraordinary. I’ve always known, and maybe, just maybe, this is why the journey's taken so long... that personally for me, writing usually depends very much on how I'm feeling, and I can honestly say I have never felt as internally happy in mind, body and spirit as I do right now... My life, although it's not perfect, is as perfect as I can make it... My family mean the whole world to me, and as most of you may already know, I blissfully married in 2011 to the most amazing man who believes in me, and with him he brought so much to life... he also miraculous taught me, that I can do whatever I want by just being me... So in being me, I say to anyone who is listening... life maybe short, but the time you spend on this gorgeous planet and those choices you make, sometimes have the most profound impact on those around you. So with my love and best wishes I whisper, be careful!  
 

Have a wonderful day!

Don’t forget stay close... just so I can reach out and touch you!

 

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