Where Dreams May Roam...

I long earnestly to hug the small child who lives within... From an early age I have always had a sense of her complete and utter sadness... In the beginning, I didn’t realise that this little girl would stay with me forever, and it wasn’t until I grew to be of a certain age that I witnessed her smile for the very first time... With her cheeky cherubic smile my world lit-up like a Christmas tree, and from that memorable day onwards, I knew everything was going to be alright... I'd like to dedicate this post to all who have known that their inner child is with them, and has always been a very special part of  their lives...  

I have often wondered... where did she come from? How did she get here and how long was she going to stay... I sense so much about my little dweller, and strangely enough the times she made herself visible to me, was when I was at my saddest.

I recall the very first time I met her; I was recovering from watching something so disturbing that I’d decided to hide behind furniture. I sat shivering and shaking, holding my hands before my eyes, not able to make any meaning out of what I’d just seen... when suddenly I felt her presence. Jumping nervously, I expected to see my big, bad, mean mother... she would always bend on all fours, just like a wild animal, and try to get me out from behind our big, old musty sofa. But no, this time mother wasn’t there.  Instead the blue eyed child, with big, sad teary eyes stared at me in silence.   

“What?” I whispered from behind ice, cold hands.

The little girl did not answer, she just continued to stare.

Then all of a sudden the door banged really loudly, and the big, bad mother screamed,

“I will get you Lady Jane, and believe you me; you’ll regret the day that you were born”

My skin started to tingle, my heart raced even harder, because unfortunately I knew what was going to happen next... she was going to find me, grab hold of whatever she could hang on to, shake me till my teeth rattled in my head, and then she would violently drag me screaming towards the cellar door...  

This time though she didn’t bend down on all fours, instead with super human strength, she yanked the big old sofa away from me... her red, sweaty face contorted now with rage, looked at me with a hatred I never could quite understand, and as her long dark brown hair flew through the air, she viciously grabbed me... In slow motion I witnessed my own hand reach out towards my little friend and as she grabbed it, I felt that her little hand was also freezing cold... but holding onto her, I felt the most incredible relief because I didn’t feel so alone.

Whilst the big, bad mother shook, pushed, screeched and swore my little friend never once let go. Not even when the cellar door crashed open, and we were pushed down rickety, wooden steps, to land in a crying heap on to cold grey paving slabs. The greyish light from a tiny broken window, shed just enough brightness for me to see my small friend scuttle closer to me, and then we both heard the slam of the door.  

This was the start of a forever friendship... My friend never gave a smile, she never spoke a word, but I knew without a shadowing doubt, that the connection to her and I was something that would unquestionably last forever.

In those formative years the cruelty continued and our connection remained.

When I was tiny I didn’t realise how special the connection was, not until that is, I got a little older and I started to question her existence.

The sad, blue eyed child always appeared when I was stressed, tired or frightened. I never questioned her appearance, I was always so glad to see her.  The cruelty, the hatred and our chaotic world of loneliness, was easier to bear with her around. However as time passed, I did realise that despite myself getting older, she never changed... it was as if she was stuck in a kind of time-warp of emotional damage, where she’d decided not to develop but more to simply exist.

I did know one thing though, and that was I grew to love her like no other. The things we lived through were witnessed between us, and the eye contact we often held said more than words ever could.

I guess the day I saw her smile was a tremendous breakthrough for me, because that was the day I knew beyond everything, that it was all going to be ok. All I was left with was the immeasurable thought that I needed to hold her, to bestow upon her as much love as I could, because this little girl had held it all in, contained and packaged all the untold hurt, just so that I got to share the burden. This ultimately made sure I survived the horror filled, neglectful, damaged, hurtful upbringing any child should ever have to endure... And even though my little friend is still around, I have yet to give her a hug, then again, an absolute fear is that she’ll go away, and to be honest, I never want her to leave because she is such a big part of me as I am of her.  

The very important thing about living with inner children, is that when you heal, they heal...

© 2013 Jane Ewen

Picture shared from Google: Artist Unknown...

Thoughts from near and far...

I have many thoughts; they all safely ramble, and are contained securely within my head-space. Occasionally they are connected to my heart beat and this makes them super-thoughts...

It’s been a little while since my last visit to a much loved blog, but for me it always bears repeating that my absence sometimes causes me concern... I guess quite a few of you will know that this beautiful world I’ve managed to create has been my very own, wonderful healing space, my off-loading arena, my stadium, my sanctuary.

Officially the journey began in 2009... An atrocious year, where I thought for a shattering moment, I was going to stop breathing. In 2009 I was given the most devastating news about my beautiful girl.... I’m glad to say we have come a long way since then, but my girl has sadly endured much. The last bout of radiotherapy seems to have halted the beast within its injurious tracks... the size of it has changed, the radiation is causing it to shrink, the pain level has more than abated, and the outlook for our future has much improved.   

When I think about what she has endured I want to cry so much but I’m truly proud of her, so much so, that I have tentatively submitted a piece to the’ Scottish Book Trust’ for it to hopefully be accepted, to possibly be included in a beautiful new book called ‘Treasures’ I will include the link for those who have time to check it out...

http://www.scottishbooktrust.com/reading/treasures/extraordinary-treasures

My life has been a whirlwind of challenges and changes. I am happy to say we are seeing a beautiful light through what was threatening darkness.  The outlook has improved with my positivity level soaring, so having wonderful family and friends around, has been an absolute bonus as well as my recent change in jobs. To feel happy and content is one thing; to actually feel completely worthwhile is another... During this journey I have fantastically found, I am coming into contact with a number of individuals who are blowing me away... As much as I love my writing, my words, and my stories, I have to admit I have never shared a passion for POETRY... in spite of this; I have come across the most remarkable young man, whose beautiful poetry now makes my day... I joked with him and delightfully shared that when I recite his magic, I sing... Here’s his link, if you decide to check him out, please share with him that Jane sent you... You won’t be disappointed!

https://www.facebook.com/jane.ewen.18?ref=tn_tnmn#!/nekatu

My thoughts always begin and end with the most important people in my life, my wonderful husband, my beautiful daughter, my amazing son-in-law to be and my very special granddaughter... Wow I am so exceptionally lucky, no wonder my thoughts stop and start with them...

Hope you manage to stay awhile as I have another looming post ready to publish. Draw that chair closer, it be good to keep you here longer!

Are there ANGELS Amongst us....

I was asked many moons ago.. "Do you believe" I said "Yesssss"... Asked again "But do you really.. really.. reeeeally believe" thinking harder now.. frustrated by my reluctance.. "Come on, do you believe in Angels" In silence I have a reflective pause "Yesssss... I believe" I said gently "especially in Angels made from gold"... "Angels of gold" she said. I smiled and held my breath.

Angels do exist I know because I hear them every day.. I watch them work... I see them play... They are usually busy Bees and normally have a list of things to do.. places to go.. people to see.. Their aim on the planet is quite obvious ......... Helping a friend in deed and strangers in need.

The first time I saw my Angel... I was 7 yrs old. I lay perfectly still in bed, crying freely. Frightened to move... it was very dark outside but the room was well lit from the shadow of the moon ... I was poorly, feeling quite distressed. In the bedroom where I was staying, it's oblong shape held three single beds... in between each little bed there was a very small locker, to put your personal belongings in. Well... thats what they told me. Didn't they know... where I came from there was no chance of belonging or even having belongings ... So I lay there crying. I had been asleep ... something had woken me ... anxiously I looked around, I was very afraid of the dark... I had told them, the new people, but there was no night light left on for me. Petrified of getting out of bed ... I didn't know where I was or who they were.. Oh why had they not listened to me... I then cried even harder.

Whilst crying, I slowly realised the room was becoming brighter, looking up towards the light, I was convinced someone had switched it on... No light... and again the room was beginning to glow ...

At first she just stood there... I didn't know what to do... I was feeling sooooo sad but the light in the bedroom made me feel better... I dared to sit up, I looked at her she was very, very beautiful. Looking up into her face, her eyes were closed. Slowly I stopped crying. Sitting there in the golden glow of the bedroom, I wondered what to do... when quite suddenly the Angels eyes opened.. looking at me, she spoke.. her voice sounded like tingling glass, the way beautiful crystal sounds when you strike it with a spoon.

I wanted to hear it again... This time she spoke higher... Your going to be alright, things have been difficult for you... your feeling very sad, this will pass. My Angel moved herself slightly to turn more towards me.... she continued in clear crystal tones... Your life will turn around, you will see and feel what its like to be happy... Your a good little girl and soon you will see everythings going to turn out well for you..

My Angels icy blue eyes had bulbous tears in them. I watched as they cascaded, brimming over small dark shiny lashes. She spoke to me very slowly about life and what had been .... I asked her if she was going to be my new mummy ... her tears flowed faster, she replied reassuringly explaining she could not be my mummy but she would be something better ... "Better then a mummy?" I gently protested knowing deep down how badly I wanted a mum... "Yes better, because I want you to know I will always, always be with you even when you can't see me, you will forever feel me, knowing I am only a whisper away. Thinking about what my Angel had said made me feel safe, warm and secure... I sat mesmerised, rhythmically nodding.

I very soon realised Angel and I were not alone. My concentration broken, I looked around the bedroom to disover a further two Angels smiling down on me. Their warmth and sincerity gave me a feeling of serenity, I recall the feeling totally overwhelmed me. It was amazing. I didn't feel bad now and hey, maybe this strange new room was going to make a great bedroom after all.

I sleepily lay my head on the pillow. Magically reading my thoughts, my Angel whispered softly never forget that you are not alone, I will take care of you.... feeling a gentle touch with the sweet smell of roses, I drifted off....

The next day I jumped out of bed, looked around the cool bedroom feeling tremendous happiness. I noticed someone had been in and left some really smart clothes for me to wear.... Wow a dress.. yes a dress and underwear and socks.. they smell good.. what's this? Oh yes a toothbrush! This is so fantasic. Dressed in minutes and ready for action.. I'm running down steps through fire escape doors on towards the big dining room. I smell food, toast.. I see milk... I run to the enormous windows surrounding the room, I see trees...grass....flowers.... Wow this is so good. I hear a voice behind me.. another child... "who are you"? I swirl in my beautiful pink dress which I hold out wide... I observe two twinkling brown eyes and a crazy mop of black hair "I am a princess" I say regally "and where do you live princess"? Raising my blonde head, I look with wonder around my brand new home.... "why... I live here in my castle" flopping down, falling backwards on to an over stuffed sofa, throwing my feet high into the air whilst I further examine my beautiful white socks... I'm smiling wide... just in time to see my hero walk through the door..........

"Ahhhh there you are Jane" Mr Webb cried ... "we were looking for you" :)