Time For Reflection...

It's hard to believe my last post was the middle of December. Thank you so much for your messages. There's been a lot on my mind. 

I've been thinking about being real, and in studying that I knew it was time to reflect... let things go that weren't serving me, and make a conscious effort to be real. I discovered I was spending much to much time on social media and not accomplishing anything, wasting precious time, which I could use to be doing other meaningful things. It's so easy to get into the habit of wasting time, and it's strange because I can hardly believe how liberated I feel, knowing I can now take time out to do the things I felt I didn't have time for. 

There is a list of things to do. I have a project on the go that requires more research, so now I will focus and be able to continue writing with gusto... Once I have a new excerpt I shall blog again, and hopefully connect with like-minded followers.  Lets face it, most of what happens on Social Media, isn't real... I think once we connect with another who is 100% authentic, and feel the same vibe, its important to stay in-touch. There are not many genuine individuals out there who feel as we do.  

Signing off with love... 

MJ Ewen 

Just Sayin...

I want to say how thankful I am to other writers, editors, and publishers who show, share, and educate others.  I’m super-grateful for their expertise, and welcome relevant signposting so that I can develop professionally.

 

I read an article which I wouldn't dream of sharing on my Face-book writer’s page
https://www.facebook.com/Jane.Ewen?ref=hl due to its disheartening content. I am super aware, and know my limitations. I realise I’m not a 'Professional Author' it's well documented that I feel I have much to learn, and it's my dearest wish that when the time is right I'll connect with a caring professional who will help me grow.

So what’s brought these thoughts to the fore... I recently read an article where I believe an Editor disrespected a good Storyteller because of the amount of editing they had to do. I presume most self respecting writers are aware of their shortcomings, and I suspect this is why there is a delay showing, and sharing work.  When I reach the end of my manuscript it is my hope that I'll understand the process and how it must be presented for final stages.

It's my understanding that the editor decides whether or not they take on something that needs a lot of work...

For the record, education was not my families priority however, I have tried my best to make up for lost time in childhood, which means, I would want to polish any script of mine to the very best of my ability but I know, and it goes without saying, I would need support. I also know, had I been that particular person in the article I mentioned earlier, it would have knocked my confidence way back... It’s not easy to open up, and share ones thoughts, so when you get past that hurdle, and share your soul it’s negative to read that quite possibly you’ll be a 'comparison' in an article to explain whatever it was the editor needed to explain...  

Never one to finish on a negative...

Life is full of ups and downs... what we have to remember is that we hold the magic within, and it’s us who have the unquestionable ability to initiate actions to make magic sparkle... I believe this, and no one can tell me any different...

 

~Jane Ewen~

© July 2015  

 

 

I Will Never Stop Believing...

Image shared from Google.

 

Deep inside I've always had a special feeling; it’s never left but on occasion its gone quiet.

 

Through the trials and tribulations of life I quickly learned you have to love what you do. I love words, I love people, I love messages and I especially get a super duper, blissful feeling when I plant seeds. As a child I learned with sadness that it’s best not to wait for anyone.  This became instrumental in my life and as I plod on and make the best of everything, I see much beauty in this day, and no matter what, I’m on the right path and even if things had been completely different I think I would still be where I am right now because it really is the right place for me.  

 

My dream has yet to materialise but the other fabulous thing here is that every single day I get to do what I want, and I’m able to pick and choose what, when and if I write. The icing on my cake would be for a publisher to see potential, and give me a chance... A chance I wouldn’t waste, a chance I would work hard with. Mind you, as I write these beautiful, heartfelt words I realise 100% that I write what others feel, dream and share.

 

We are not alone, and it doesn’t seem to matter where you are because there is always another wonderful writer close by.

 

~Jane Ewen~

© July 2015.

 

 

Dreams & Drama...

I have a sleep condition which unfortunately, seems to prevent me from dreaming. Despite this, but prior to being diagnosed I always use to dream, I loved my dreams. I have to share that I’ve never dreamt about my father... I’d like to say he was the best dad in the world... but he wasn’t. I know if he was here now he’d tell you the same. I don’t understand why but for the past two weeks I’ve had several vivid dreams, and in each one he has told me something special...

The road is long... through the haze of a dazzling mid-day sun; I watch speckles of dust as they dance high into the air... Looking around there are no signs of life, except for a single dwelling with a separate garage on my left, and a single double fronted shop on my right.

My focus is the shop.

Without taking my eyes off the shops door, I notice I’m breathless; I became aware of a dog running. There’s tightness in my chest as I flick frightened eyes to the left... oh my God, no, no, no... A Rottweiler is running after me. In sheer panic I wrap my arms around myself. It zips through my mind like a gramophone player, don't you run, don't you run, Nooooooo... don't you dare run... Oh god it’s on me.  It rises up, wraps huge front paws around me and as if in slow motion it walks in a grotesque fashion, alongside. I don't falter, I don't stop but I'm choking, my eyes stream. Terrified, I’m petrified of dogs.   

Growls, snarls, the glint from polished teeth snap, snap snapping.

I’m going to die, so with one last effort I push open the shop door... My eyes meet his... I open my mouth; I struggle, and in barely a whisper

"Dad... dad, Dog"

He knows I’m frightened, his hand reaches across the counter, and he grasps a handful of sweets, colourful, sugary temptations.

Defiantly he steps towards me and in a booming, Irish voice he commands the dog to sit. It falls away from me exposing angry red welts across my body.

It sits.  

His gaze steady on the dog as he offered more sweets.  

Standing at his side I continue to shake from head to toe. I become completely overwhelmed by my dad’s presence and the most incredible feeling of love, warmth, and safety permeates me. Grateful, I watch as he continues to feed the dog, he tells me not to worry, he says he’s been poorly for the longest time, and that I need to listen to more music, he says on the other side he’s a teacher, and as if by some form of magical enchantment, a magnificent white, grey horse appears, and when dad turns his attention to give it a sweet, for me it’s all too much.

In my roller-coaster of deep, dark emotion, I finally break down and let it all out.

Opening confused, sleep filled eyes... I realise I've been in a land of the unknown, and that I’d met and communicated with my deceased father...

Once I'd calmed ,and in soulful reflection realised there was evidence that my story is set to continue. I felt fortunate to have acquired essential knowledge that this journey is far from over; holding that confirmation fills me with ease.

As I dress and plan for the day ahead, in my mind's eye I see the old Irish rogue who very rarely smiled but oh when he did my world lit right up...

~Jane Ewen~

The Loft... In My Mind.

Picture kindly shared from Pinterest.

The loft in my mind is open 24/7... It’s a place for characters who want to transpire in my next story, or book. I’ve heard them say they chose me to ensure their story is heard; they need a connection, oh and a place to stay... It’s disappointing but I've had to disengage from a couple of characters; they were dark, too dark to live in the loft. With help from the rest of the residents, their removal was relatively quick because the lofts residents won’t put up with anything, or anyone who tries to take over... Dear lord, don’t ever let anyone try to take over.  The chances are the residents will take over, and we won’t see the character again.

(At first it was as if the statement below was heard through an old radio)

“My dream multiplies; it looks, sees, and wants what it wants all of the time”.

These words greeted me last night as I tried to relax. Initially I attempted to ignore them because I knew this had to be a new character trying to move into the loft but I'd been writing all day, I wanted to rest.  

“If you don’t listen then I’ll keep saying it, my dream multiplies, it looks, sees, and wants what it wants all of the time” (Silence)

(Someone) breathes a heavy Sigh... 

“My dream multiplies; it looks, sees, and wants what it wants all of the time”

That someone is breathing to the point where I can literally feel its frustration as it seeps into my bones.

“My dream multiplies; it looks, sees, and wants what it wants all of the time”

I should speak, maybe even acknowledge its presence but to be honest I can’t tell whether it’s male, or female. Maybe it’s neither, maybe it’s from the other side? I’ve had a few of them, and again, not a pleasant experience.

 “My dream multiplies; it looks, sees, and wants what it wants all of the time”

“Ok, ok... Bloody hell I’m coming”.

Reluctantly and with much annoyance I progress towards the staircase... here is where I always find them. Their either sat on the bottom step, draped over the banister, or persistently knocking on the lofts huge double doors, which by the way would never get an answer, because the residents have stopped opening the door to strangers. So they wait for me. 

The smell was atrocious ... I smelt him before I saw him, and I wasn’t prepared for what I was about to see. A small skinny man with knobbly knees, he wasn’t wearing any trousers, however he was wearing shiny shorts. His white string vest had seen better days. I couldn’t believe the oversized trainers with no socks, and his small bony face housed dark sunken eyes, it was as if two thumbs had pressed them into an oversized skull.  On his head wispy bits of what looked like hair waved like seaweed, but for the most part he was bald. On his forehead he had a long, rather strange looking scar which was shaped like a bolt of lightning. His hooked nose protruded like that of an eagle.  I noted and quickly recoiled from his grubby hands, nails were bitten and black, as if he’d been digging dirt all day. He was standing at the bottom of the stairs, and lying on the floor by his feet was a small, brown, dingy looking suitcase.

Clearing my throat I asked what I could do for him.

“Ahh you came” he boomed.

Now there was a voice that didn’t suit this man.

“Yes I usually come when summoned, especially if a room is needed for the night”

“I need it longer, much longer, and maybe longer still”.

He stood, moving from one foot to the other in a most irritated fashion.

“What can I do for you sir?”

"I need somewhere to stay, and with someone who can make my dreams, nightmares go away”

Uneasy, he looked around...

“What are you running away from?” I enquired, (no point in beating about the bush)

"Nothing... no one, just down on my luck and need company”

“You wouldn’t be bringing any bad luck to my door now would you?”

No answer...

“Would you?”

“Of course not, like I said, need a place to stay and some company”

“Do you work around here?”

“Yes I work close by, came straight from there and needs me a shower”

Lip licking and nervous tension, (I didn’t like this...)

“Tell you what sir; I’ll see if there are any vacancies... I’ll be right down”

I knew I hadn’t made the right noises, his dark eyes smouldered as dirty, bony fingers twitched.

At the top of the stairs I knocked, a resident opened it a crack.

“Any vacancies?” silence rebounded as the resident stepped forward, and looked down the stairs eyeballing the character.

“Who wants to know” the resident replied hoarsely.

“I do” came the skinny mans booming response.

“Come closer and we’ll discuss”

The skinny man dragged his suitcase up the stairs; his eyes never left the resident.

"I’m looking to stay for a few days, need company and some routine”

“Is that right?” said the resident as a few more voices vibrated from the door.

“Well this is how it goes, we don’t like noise, disrespect, or parties; no strangers are allowed, and no smoking, we have a rota for cleaning the kitchen and bathroom daily, any problems with that?”

“No problem at all, I’m not after looking for any trouble, just need accommodation”. The resident made way and made a gesture with his hand towards the door, and as it opened all that could be seen from within was dark shadows.

Just as he got to the perimeter of the door, skinny man looked around, winked at me as he whispered,

“I’ll be seeing you”. He was gone.

“You’re letting him in then?” I nodded to the resident.

“Yep, any funny business like the last one and you’ll hear from us soon enough or maybe you won’t”.

As the resident blinked green, lizard like eyes, I rubbed my chin as I considered our new character, a character that will certainly get creative juices flowing; he obviously has issues, possibly some interesting history. Doesn’t really matter, he managed to get his oversized, sockless feet through the door to the loft, and if you knew the Loft’s residents that is indeed a massive achievement. 

Stay tuned for updates.

 

©2015 Jane Ewen

 

 

 

I Believed...

(A Thousand Years - Christina Perri Lyrics)

 I Believed... By Jane Ewen.

I always believed you would find me... It was written in
ancient, timeless scriptures which foretold that I would love you.

 

Instinctively I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep this treasure, this dream, if I didn’t believe.
I understood a deep, knowing... that I'd unconditionally give you all that I am, and the best thing was I saw as clear as any day, that I would be everything to you. That never-ending
invisible list which was built from years of being with beautiful people who
despite their best intentions were not YOU... I wondered aimlessly through life,
and l lived countless experiences, all of which would miraculously bring me to
a moment in time, a moment that would last forever... I wanted you; I implored the
universe for you to catch me, because I knew you’d be the one who would safely
hold my heart. I knew with inexplicably certainty, that you’d be the one who
would see through my walls.  

The beat of our music is magnificent.

I use to struggle to find a reason why I should be loved, but
just by being close you answered many questions, you ticked boxes. My
invisible, constrained list magically began to fade. Truth enveloped me, it
spoke to my soul, ice melted as it spelt words, and I cried, buried my face in
the warmth of you as I hugged your spirit. You whispered simple words of beauty, and managed to convey to me, with an honesty I’d only ever dreamed of, that you were here, you were really
here – at long last LOVE had found me. Oh my word, my lord, the absolute acceptance,
the beautiful, overwhelming feeling for the first time of being able to be ME. Someone
loved me, for who I am, no more pretending... This was so healing, and as all of
the hard years melted away, so forgiveness kicked in...   

Throughout my  life which was often hard, there had been a few happenings,
some good, some bad, as well as a few questions, with a few doubts, but in the
end, once I was secure it all managed to show me that if you believed hard
enough, truth will happen, and a special love would be born... This love will
not only touch you, but it will embrace all of those around you.   

For me the only unfortunate, negative to this much beauty, is
sadly not everyone finds this loveliness ... It’s possible though, it’s out
there, but for me, I believe fate has a huge part to play in this
game of life.  I suppose for now all I can
say is I am fortunate, and lucky in that I believed. Along the way I shared my beliefs with a chosen
few, some laughed, and others advised me to be realistic, but I knew in my
heart there was someone, I had seen a faceless version of him in my dreams, and I told myself I would know when I saw him...
and I did!

My darlings you have your own song, you know how you feel, believe...
take it forward, be what you wish to attract. Be honest, don’t hurt anyone, and
show kindness at all times. Just as I knew there was someone special looking
for me, I also know with that same unshakable, conviction, if we as human beings do all of
the above, the world will become a beautiful place, and all kinds of
beings will live a most wonderful life, especially a life without fear... I speak from experience when
I share; there is nothing worse than fear... I cry every time the news shows that
someone has died, someone is killed, murdered, or even lost and hurt. I don’t
know why, but my heart and soul feels indescribable pain, as if that individual
were my mother, my father, my sister, brother, or daughter etc. I know there
are beautiful people out there, beings who struggle with articulating these same
thoughts, and feelings, I know them to be as as loving as anyone else, and yet they find
being demonstrative, or open a huge challenge. If you struggle to feel
such depth in emotion, to the point it holds you back from being who
you truly are, then all I can disclose is that I was where you are now... I dealt
with it by taking time out to study myself, and rediscover who I was. It was a
tough, but beautiful journey; however it was also uplifting, and enlightening.  I’d never really liked who I was, In the end
though, I learned to like me and soon realised that actually, I wasn’t all that bad. With
it came an understanding of others, as well as myself. I started smiling more at people,
because I wanted to, and not because I had to. I came to
understand how precious a smile is, and the amazing impact it can have on
others.

If you’re reading this, and you don’t have any LOVE in your
life, I want you to know it’s not far away. Be positive, be ready to receive kindness,
and be ready to reciprocate that kindness, because that’s how it returns. Life
is wonderful, and that goes even if your life is currently in the toilet... it’s
a moment in time, and there’s always an end to experiences, which is just as
well given some of the moments some people live.

If your still here...

I would like to take this gorgeous opportunity
to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to visit my blog,
and read this post. Please come again and know: you will always get a response if you engage.  

I will be back soon.
Meanwhile alllow me to send amazing love,
and peace....  

To Delete Or Not...

I’m here, I’m back...

And I'm hoping you will be happy to hear... that I bring a much greater curiosity, because I feel more than ready to commence on what could be deemed a shiny, brand new path of creation... There are 807 words in this post. And as I write... I purposefully compose with all of you in mind, and as I inscribe, I feel each and every word to the point of deep emotion, because as always I have to consciously write first and foremost with my heart, I feel this is the only way to transcribe to you, a real sense of me...

Sadly I’ve deleted my beloved page on Facebook; majestically I had called it ‘Messages That Touch One's Soul’. For whatever reason, I’ve always had a real sense of being responsible for the giving, saving and signposting of messages... It’s never seemed to matter what the message is, as long as I felt it was for a higher good, and then I would give it even if it was at the expense of me. Fortunately I feel I have always possessed an overwhelming need to save, savour and give, in whatever way I could...  However I suppose the underlying question for me right now is this:

Is the end for my page really here? 

I hope so... because where-ever that page is, along with its words and images, I stand tall, firmly stamping my foot and raise my fist to indicate ... I am, and will always be the one true owner of that page with all its written-icons. It was created by me, who at different times had the inclination along with the mind-set, as well as varied emotions to create thoughts, words, and deeds. I spent many hours working on my lovely page, sooooo... one might think it would be my choice, my right to choose its end, to destroy and rip up those thoughts, to relinquish created ideas and quite rightly to decide they never existed ... I’m able to state that it took quite a while, but sadly I felt I had no choice other than elect to delete my page, why? Because once I found out the bare truth the magic of its location well and truly left me...

My intention is to move to a place where I know words, thoughts and ideas will remain my own. Due to facebook and its current status and policies, I’ve concluded, I no longer want my creations to remain on a networking site where I don’t hold any trust... I’m not saying I won’t be eternally grateful for connections made... I have met some wonderful people who I know I’d never have even sensed had I not belonged to a network which might hold five gold stars for reaching out. I have especially loved discovering connections and the fact that networking sites allow us to hook up, staying in touch if we want... But essentially, I don’t want my creativity to remain in the hands of others who choose to hold on to data as they gather (for whatever reason) information to store. I’ve been advised that apparently this happens whether one deletes or not... It may have been the labyrinth of my own mind which quite innocently shared ideas, tasters, thoughts... but the truth is, once out in the open, once shared with the site, it was  no longer truly mine... Unknowingly I had given permission, signed away my own heartfelt recognition of my own words for another to use in whatever way they wish...  The more I thought, the more I realised, deleting my page was the only sensible thing to do. It was such a hard decision and as you may see, it’s had quite a hard impact on me... Dramatically I liken it to ripping your heart up and standing on it. Some may understand, others won’t but thankfully we all have the mechanics of our own mind, body and soul. The beauty of the human race, which I always try to promote is our beautiful differences...   

After giving it even more thought, I know it’s meant to be because now is the time to move onwards, upwards. Hopefully the extra time away from my deleted, much missed page of messages, will direct me towards more writing, in terms of ensuring the ‘WiSh’ I made at Christmas will come true... I wished for more time to write... nothing dramatic, nothing too demanding, nothing that will cost more financially... just more delicious time to press the fading keys of my old lap-top, as I endeavour to make magic and wistfully touch a soul or two... I have a saying in my world...

Come close, stay near cos without you it would all be pointless.

©2013 Jane Ewen

All I want for Christmas...

It’s been a little while but I’m tickled pink to be back....

Yes guys you guessed it... it’s that wonderful time of the year again. I absolutely love Christmas. This year though the fly in my cream is that unfortunately I’m feeling a little under the weather, but I’m super sure it will all work out, and at some point I’ll be well enough to get on with life...  I hope that time is kind and then in-between all the drama, I sincerely hope wishes are recognised as I get time to do what I love to do best... Write!

Recently I reluctantly decided to shut down a page on Facebook called: https://www.facebook.com/MessagesThatTouchOnesSoul?ref=hl

However I’m smiling right now, because despite writing a little message this morning to explain reasons for closure, I later found myself sharing something with said page, something I felt might help others... Story of my life and why not, it’s always worth helping another, no matter how small or insignificant anyone thinks it might be...  Our actions are important; I truly believe we are what we do. I’ve also often thought that we really are much more than we think we are... we need to remember all things are possible, and if we don’t reach intended goals, the question could be... did we try as hard as we thought we had... Nothing and no one should stop us, because it’s a well known saying that we are all different and I for one thank god for those differences.   If you’re sat reading this, and you’re in turmoil because you don’t know what you want, maybe you could close your eyes and think about a very simple thing... What would you really like to do? Is there something in life you want, but you feel it’s out of reach because you felt you weren’t good enough, clever enough... Or maybe life is galloping at a hundred miles an hour and you’ve turned around, and you’re also wondering where the heck time went. My hope is this... that you’ll calmly hold on and embrace the simplicity of this little ditty, ‘it’s better late than never’ ... and realise the transparency of its statement really does mean...‘It’s always and forever better late than never’ Make yourself a Christmas wish, and then give the one who matters most, extra permission to realise that no matter how long it takes to get it... Phew, there are no worries!  

Anyway my darlings, it’s wonderful to be back... I’m especially hoping to spend more time where I belong; after all, AngelJanes World is where I healed before... Interestingly enough, I have a few ideas to work on but nothing to share for the time being... I tweeted today on how I’d made a promise to another Writer to #Focus more and it feels really strange, but that promise has given me a new lease on life... in terms of where I would like my dreams to take me.  (More to share laters)

So for now dear ones, be good, take care and don’t forget to remember... Never let anyone discourage you from doing what you really want...

Jane Ewen is back...

Curiosity, Life & Dreams...

Whether you wish to silently watch, vocally interact or seek out unanswered questions, the act of seeking to quench ones inquisitive thinking is usually linked to a thirst for knowledge of what might, could, would or should have been... Or even a deep desire to learn or know about things that don’t really concern us anymore... I guess there is always the chance that Curiosity may also bring unforeseen, unwanted information.  But isn’t that what Curiosity is all about? ... So if you look, peek and wonder... be ready for the unknown, and remember you might not always like what you see, hear or find out...  From my own sensitivity I know without doubt, that the people who have been in my life were meant to be, and I’ve always understood how sad it can be to think that some of them are unable to stay, but again that’s how it’s meant to be... When a gorgeous soul steps into our lives, they are there for a reason, a moment or a season... some choose to stay, some need to go, but hey that’s ok...  

I think many of us might be guilty of occasionally feeling the itch of curiosity. Then there’s the old proverb ‘Curiosity killed the Cat’ which warns of the dangers of needless investigating, inspecting or experimenting ... My guess is that a good old dose of this electric emotion can be positively healthy, and might even enable us to place answers to unanswered questions, that may occasionally rise to the surface... This inquisitive form of thinking allows individuals to investigate and learn what might have been, or more importantly, why it wasn’t. I think in the past most of my own intermittent curiosities are super connected to what might have been, and if choices or the way my life’s path progressed, voluntary or involuntary were for the best.

I am glad to say that to date and with everything I currently know, my choices have been correct and if in the past I didn’t have a choice at the way something materialised, thankfully it was still for the best. I believe I am where I should be... My life, the people in it and the people I have yet to meet are just where I want them. I also believe I am definitely the luckiest of ladies, because the majority of my life’s experiences have been beneficial in teaching me all I know about life and love... I am open to new ideas and I believe I am realistic in my dreams... despite several of life’s knock-backs; I have much to look forward to. In my most reflective moments of the day, I quite often wish those around me, as well as absent friends the very, very best of everything.  I was only thinking the other day, the best part about getting older is the warmth that penetrates your spirit when you smile because a friend is happy, or you hear good news.

I especially love writing... I don’t profess I’ll ever be a literary legend; I don’t even proclaim to write correctly. I would make a guess that other accomplished writers will see plenty of mistakes, but I do passionately declare that at all times I am professional, I am especially careful with what I say and share. I also try to think of others, and I consistently emanate respect... I don’t believe I have even touched the tip of the iceberg with my thoughts and ideas, although right now I’d say, it’s unfortunate that I am too busy to be able to concentrate on my absolute dream.  However I believe that very soon I’ll be in more of a position to focus fully on where I hope my voice will take me... 

We are fortunate, and I am always in awe of the sights, sounds and human connections that are often made. I love to see beautiful pictures from other countries and I repeatedly recognise how lucky I am to be able to see those things... I never forget what the internet; the news has opened up for us all... absolutely amazingly inspirational.

So friend, if you’re still here reading this article with me... then please let me thank you as well as remind you to never lose your sense of Curiosity, it could possibly be the one thing that brings answers and love into your life. 

Angel Jane  

“Life is wonderful when you're the one to write it.”
― Coco J. Ginger

Where Dreams May Roam...

I long earnestly to hug the small child who lives within... From an early age I have always had a sense of her complete and utter sadness... In the beginning, I didn’t realise that this little girl would stay with me forever, and it wasn’t until I grew to be of a certain age that I witnessed her smile for the very first time... With her cheeky cherubic smile my world lit-up like a Christmas tree, and from that memorable day onwards, I knew everything was going to be alright... I'd like to dedicate this post to all who have known that their inner child is with them, and has always been a very special part of  their lives...  

I have often wondered... where did she come from? How did she get here and how long was she going to stay... I sense so much about my little dweller, and strangely enough the times she made herself visible to me, was when I was at my saddest.

I recall the very first time I met her; I was recovering from watching something so disturbing that I’d decided to hide behind furniture. I sat shivering and shaking, holding my hands before my eyes, not able to make any meaning out of what I’d just seen... when suddenly I felt her presence. Jumping nervously, I expected to see my big, bad, mean mother... she would always bend on all fours, just like a wild animal, and try to get me out from behind our big, old musty sofa. But no, this time mother wasn’t there.  Instead the blue eyed child, with big, sad teary eyes stared at me in silence.   

“What?” I whispered from behind ice, cold hands.

The little girl did not answer, she just continued to stare.

Then all of a sudden the door banged really loudly, and the big, bad mother screamed,

“I will get you Lady Jane, and believe you me; you’ll regret the day that you were born”

My skin started to tingle, my heart raced even harder, because unfortunately I knew what was going to happen next... she was going to find me, grab hold of whatever she could hang on to, shake me till my teeth rattled in my head, and then she would violently drag me screaming towards the cellar door...  

This time though she didn’t bend down on all fours, instead with super human strength, she yanked the big old sofa away from me... her red, sweaty face contorted now with rage, looked at me with a hatred I never could quite understand, and as her long dark brown hair flew through the air, she viciously grabbed me... In slow motion I witnessed my own hand reach out towards my little friend and as she grabbed it, I felt that her little hand was also freezing cold... but holding onto her, I felt the most incredible relief because I didn’t feel so alone.

Whilst the big, bad mother shook, pushed, screeched and swore my little friend never once let go. Not even when the cellar door crashed open, and we were pushed down rickety, wooden steps, to land in a crying heap on to cold grey paving slabs. The greyish light from a tiny broken window, shed just enough brightness for me to see my small friend scuttle closer to me, and then we both heard the slam of the door.  

This was the start of a forever friendship... My friend never gave a smile, she never spoke a word, but I knew without a shadowing doubt, that the connection to her and I was something that would unquestionably last forever.

In those formative years the cruelty continued and our connection remained.

When I was tiny I didn’t realise how special the connection was, not until that is, I got a little older and I started to question her existence.

The sad, blue eyed child always appeared when I was stressed, tired or frightened. I never questioned her appearance, I was always so glad to see her.  The cruelty, the hatred and our chaotic world of loneliness, was easier to bear with her around. However as time passed, I did realise that despite myself getting older, she never changed... it was as if she was stuck in a kind of time-warp of emotional damage, where she’d decided not to develop but more to simply exist.

I did know one thing though, and that was I grew to love her like no other. The things we lived through were witnessed between us, and the eye contact we often held said more than words ever could.

I guess the day I saw her smile was a tremendous breakthrough for me, because that was the day I knew beyond everything, that it was all going to be ok. All I was left with was the immeasurable thought that I needed to hold her, to bestow upon her as much love as I could, because this little girl had held it all in, contained and packaged all the untold hurt, just so that I got to share the burden. This ultimately made sure I survived the horror filled, neglectful, damaged, hurtful upbringing any child should ever have to endure... And even though my little friend is still around, I have yet to give her a hug, then again, an absolute fear is that she’ll go away, and to be honest, I never want her to leave because she is such a big part of me as I am of her.  

The very important thing about living with inner children, is that when you heal, they heal...

© 2013 Jane Ewen

Picture shared from Google: Artist Unknown...

Dreams, Wishes & Feelings...

Right now my friend all I know is that I’ve been fortunate enough to grow in an ever-changing world, and no matter what, I will never... not ever, let go of my dreams...

DREAMS... I have a few, all involve my beautiful family.

WISHES... are for my voice to be eventually heard, as well as all the emotion contained within each word and setting. And if it doesn’t sound conceited, I am hopeful it will allow others to experience it to the full.   

FEELINGS... that they persist in being continuous and they are never far away from a single thought.

I am always surprised where the journey takes me...

Stepping out of one’s comfort zone in terms of what one writes is mind blowing to say the least... Very often I find myself talking about facts, the past, present and future. I discuss how I feel, what I perceive others may believe.  It always feels extremely important for me to share a lot of deep, often confusing experiences that usually becomes clearer as I go on to discuss further within my own world of words... I always disclose my writing to be therapeutic, and holding hand on heart, I continue to confirm that for me, this is so... I always find myself to be comfortingly realistic, with incessant remarks about my lack of education; I very often wonder where I might have been today, had my parents been different or if my upbringing had been a little closer to normal... Other times I feel a little melancholy, especially when I think I might have been a bit more receptive to possible opportunities... Who knows, had my life taken a different path I might even have been an accomplished author... Writing words and thoughts full to bursting, impregnated with my own unique expressions, and novels to delight all the people I want to spiritually and blissfully touch.  

Every day I feel the need to progress with my writing, I very often write and don’t share... I have two novels on the go and with any possible luxury of spare time; these will get worked on...  Just as much as words are terribly important, so are people... family, friends & strangers.  I feel I have an affinity with all of human kind... I will profess to liking animals, but not as much as humans. I am able to stand next to a complete stranger, and feel an amazing amount of information, and on occasion if they turn to me, we can become engulfed in conversation and it naturally feels like we have know each other for years.   I quite often find myself feeling another’s pain, happiness, disappointment and I have to make sure that I tell myself in no uncertain terms, that those experiences are happening to another and not to me... I have discovered that feeling someone else’s emotions at such an incredible intensity, may mean I have the qualities of an Empath, and I guess this is why it’s taken me, heaven knows how many years to be able to distance myself to such an extent, so that when I receive another’s energy, it doesn’t make me unwell.

I don’t proclaim to know it all, I believe I’ve learned a lot but I also believe I have a heck of a lot to learn... This is why I consider myself to be blessed, and it’s also why I live in hope that the PLOT will thicken...

~AngelJane~ 

 

The Glorious Sea...

One fine day when I live by the deep blue sea, I’ll happily share the delights I know I will encounter. The dream has been a long one; time has shown me that there is certainly a deep timeless yearning that may possibly go on forever... I happily suffer hallucinations and with warm enthusiasm, I welcome all future, blissful possibilities they represent.   

I will fully endeavour to describe the way the sea kisses its shore; I will help you the reader to visualise sea creatures as they tentatively step out of from beneath the ocean’s froth, on to fine sugary sand. As I breathe in deep, I will open with honesty; blue eyes wide, so that you distinctly hear the most amazing sounds, breathe in the most beautiful smells and see with crystal like clarity, indescribable sights...

There is a world where one can go, a world that needs to be enjoyably viewed by invitation... If I have the sight to describe my world to you, then hopefully you’ll have your own uncapped power to soak up all its magnificence... I don’t mind saying, my world can be full of mystery, my dreams beyond compare... Stark thoughts are ever abundant.

All of these ever increasing qualities grow consistently week by week, year by year... giving so much to my globe, my imagination. I may build a universe, describe a war or even share my deepest thoughts ... and quite often I find that my head spins uncontrollably non stop ... the hardest part I occasionally find, is not the sharing of my passion... but retaining it.

I want to delight, appeal, fascinate, tempt, enchant and charm... I have just got to touch your deepest nerve, penetrate your softest core so that you understand every single day there is someone you can touch, help and support with a simple smile... I know this like I know, night follows day...

The story is not yet over; it begins with all of us every single day! 


~JaneEwen~

 

My Father...

The big question for me this week was something I’ve been concentrating on for a little while... Although I have to profess, I don’t quite have all the answers but you know how I love to share, waffle and divulge.  Come on pull up a chair and stay a few moments, I would love to talk to you...

I use to think I was a dreamer and I suppose to some extent a lot of us might have that delightful trait securely fixed within our own wonderful personalities ... but recently oh how I've wistfully looked back on vague and distant memories of my father. It's made me wonder if a part of me is like he was. The thing I know more than anything about my dad, is that when I was little, I missed him so much... he was never around, but I will never forget the bond I had with him... When I did get to see him I recall I’d quietly watch him, and wonder what made him tick. (Due to the way I was brought up) When I did get to see him, I would usually feel a deep sense of sadness because here was my very own dad, but I didn’t really know him...  When I was small, I would sit quietly to observe him. To this day I still remember the way he'd sit in his chair, the way his blue eyes would flicker from side to side, and I’d know instinctively he was thinking... to me he was always the thinker, a mystical force that I'd fantasise about. I wanted to be near him, and have him tell me he was proud of me, that he loved me, but mostly, I wanted him to be the dad I remembered. I'd reminisce vividly how I use to believe I was able hear him think... Sad wonder is, I never actually heard/saw or understood his thoughts or the man he was.  To this day, I still wish it would be possible to sit with him, and ask all the many unanswered questions...  

 

Parents are so terribly important in our lives, their input is massive in terms of our development, but where the hell does one go when faced with the loneliness of being brought up and living in the company of strangers... Let me tell you this... Yes I believe their absence impacted on me, and my siblings, but in the long run I’ve personally come to no harm from not having a family, despite wanting one that I would have loved deeply... Instead I had a different upbringing. In many ways I was lonely, but my past I'd describe as character forming, with a whole load of empty longing.

 

Despite everything, life still managed to magically instil in me many things that have become super important... The amazing thing is that I know who I am, where I came from, where I’ve been and where there is yet for me to go... I believe the past is what makes us, and I agree with all the current quotes... The past does not define, but it sure as hell has a major input into personality... I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again for the benefit of any readers who have been through the same or even similar experiences...  what happened in my childhood was NOT my fault, the people to blame are the adults who were around...The sad thing is how much they lost out, but thank god I made sure I broke the circle. My child was not beaten, neglected and neither was she abused...  why the hell would anyone do that to another? So if you’re reading this and blaming your upbringing for something you've done or are presently doing ... FORGET IT... You’re in control, you’re the adult and it’s up to you to do the right thing... All I understand is that children, life, including every single, living being are important and super precious. We don’t get this time back, so we have to do the right thing... make the right choices... No excuses... NONE!!

No matter what you’ve been through, you have to try your very best in life, don’t paint everyone with the same brush, because this will only hold you back, and might even paralyse. So come on embrace life... believe me, you’ll find what you put in, you’ll get back.  Be yourself, be real, don’t have a hidden agenda, just bring your lovely personality to life, and share unconditionally...

Life is too short to do anything else!


I really do believe in being mindful of people’s feelings and despite writing about my past, present and future... I sincerely hope others recognise I take my written words seriously... I do not wish to lay blame, hurt or accuse anyone... I simply want to write truth as I understand and perceive it. I dont know how it happened, but I've magically grown from a very dysfunctional family background. I think I can safely say because of the vast and varied different input, I have been so lucky and managed to find the real me...  And that is always worth celebrating...

Breathe... Focus... Relax...

Stay close.  

I am so happy to have touched your spirit...

I lovingly dedicate this post to Irish Carter... I love you and long may we be connected beautiful lady... If I ever make it I want you there! 

http://www.dedicated2life.com/1/post/2013/03/march-passions-guess-what-talent-we-found-while-dedicated-2-life-was-out-doing-their-scouting.html

 

And so the story continues...

When I was recently contacted and advised that along with a few other lovely individuals I was about to be picked to be promoted, I couldn’t believe it... I can’t tell you how overjoyed I was to have someone take time out for me, and say they liked my words, they liked my thoughts and that it was felt if others were to stop by and take a peek into my world, they’d feel and definitely be touched by my loving, caring nature...

All I’ve ever known is that I’ve had a challenging and very unhappy childhood... which at times can still create fall-out, but thank the beautiful heavens and spirits above, and despite the incredible sadness of it all, I know clearly that I’m especially fortunate to have still been able to grow-up to love and respect people... it really doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, old or young, healthy or sick... I am blessed to see something delightfully different in each and every person I meet.

I am also forutnate to have a most amazing ability. This ability magically enables me to look and know if you’re good or bad, if the moment is right for whatever is going on... I have ability to sense the agenda that might be lurking deep-down in your persona... I sense it almost like warmth, tingles, a coldness or even whispered words and fuzzy pictures... Most times it’s been a blessing but sometimes it’s been a curse, the most amazing thing for me is that I’ve been able to hold on to my gift no matter what's happened in life and it always bears repeating, this gift is the reason I survived.

I super appreciate the very fact that along with my long-term, inexplicable ability, I also possess a beautiful instinct that‘s saved me on oh so many occasions, and within extraordinary moments of wonderful, moving magic............

Oh I could cry just recalling those visions... I know on many occasions all I had to do was close my eyes and focus on my world being alright, which brings me to the conclusion...

I want all of you who’ve managed to make it to the end of this post, is to remember... Thoughts Create Reality, and if a very small child, young person, young woman and now mature adult can accomplish that...  then all I further ask is for you to remember, you're in control of you and it’s you who makes choices...  So no matter what’s happened, no matter what you’ve been through, and no matter what point you are at in your life on this beautiful, mixed-up planet... I tenderly ask that you never give up and remember again, no matter how bad you might feel... if you have precious children, these will be their memories!   

Stay close beautiful people...