Knowing...

'Sad Child' Image from www.pxleyes.com

I know... I don’t know how, but I KNOW... have you ever felt the presence of knowledge, yet you couldn’t explain how, why, or when you became aware of the information... It isn’t knowledge of a prediction, and it isn’t looking into a crystal ball at the future and feeling certain about someone’s life... it’s a knowing which magically hits you. The knowing can happen when a person is talking, listening or simply stood in your company... or at an event and suddenly you feel overwhelmed with information, feelings, opinions, beliefs and views. You could be writing, watching TV, making plans...  The information can be so extraordinarily strong, that you know without doubt how another is feeling, what they need to do, and nine times out of ten you’re able to execute a plan without hurting the feelings of any sensitive soul... Back in the day my knowing was scary... but not anymore, I know what I have to do. I truly believe this came from a whole childhood of feeling inferior, and uncertain.

There is a beauty to uncertainty and I’d like to share with you what it means for me... When you’re stuck in that moment, that frozen, dying, period when you feel your losing it... stop... wait and feel the tick of time as it allows you to hold on to permission to do something about your moment of truth... You do not have to rush for anyone, time was made for all of us to relax in whilst we made good decisions, and if you made a bad one, that’s ok to because mistakes are made to learn from...

Lifting a clenched fist, rage overwhelms the whole of his being. He stumbles...

A weird motion of uneasy slowness all around catches in his throat, he realises this isn’t normal, this is not what normally happens, and this is definitely not how it had gone before... what the hell was different?

The stupidest gaze lands on the baby, she turns and looks deep into his soul... He flinches, anger stabs at him hard, and he raises his fist higher. Anger at boiling point, he needs to vent, to let go... Baby blue eyes flood with liquid, and her warmth strikes him. Reluctantly he lowers his hand, and picks her up; insistently he lifts her high into the air. Her job is done...

As a child growing up in an uncertain world she knew things...  she knew stuff she didn’t understand, she knew death was not the end, and for reasons unknown she also knew it was simply a transition. She knew she was wise beyond her years, she knew a great deal of information, information that was inexplicable in terms of how she could have known such things at her young age. Knowledge gave her power, a power she had always been aware of, but thankfully way back then she’d always felt the all consuming power would remain with her always. The important thing through all of this is that the knowing is, and would always be the truth. How she knew this she couldn’t say... she just knew. The strange thing is it wasn’t just a clear knowing; there were other things, things she would only be able to share as her journey unfolded... There’s no rush, no need to worry, only a delightful sense of peace, and calm.

 

© Jane Ewen

Peace...

Image used from Pinterest quoting Jimi Hendrix.

I read this on my travels today...

One finds peace in their life when they first find peace in their heart.
~ Sue Krebs~
From Soul-Speaking
https://www.facebook.com/Jane.Ewen?ref=hl#!/SoulSpeaking?fref=ts 

Peace has always meant a great deal to me, and given I have walked a journey where at intervals I have known such unpredictable disturbances, and lived through catastrophic changes; it is not surprising I understand the importance of such a beautiful gift. Seeing the above quote caused a whole array of thoughts, and feelings to spill...

There is something in understanding that when you feel no peace there is always, sadly, a catastrophic reason... I don’t mind sharing I was once in a place where I felt no peace at-all. Its one thing to be restless and wonder what the hell’s it all about, but for it to be taken, broken, and thrown to the four winds, making you question everything you thought you knew, now there’s something that could and virtually can destroy you. Occasionally it’s realistic to be acquainted with the perplexing knowledge, that maybe one or two things might knock you off guard, but when the big one comes, and literally floors you... you know without doubt, you’re in trouble.

I don’t mean to ramble, because my intention here is to bring a specific point in a concise piece, you may be on your knees, and the problem might still be in your life, but surprisingly it’s possible to come to terms with its devastation, because the strange thing about life is that mostly it has an out of the ordinary way of turning around, and unexpectedly, it can present you with questions, and answers that actually you hadn’t thought of.

I can only report I am victim, and a witness to this testimony, that no matter how dreadful it gets there is usually a way forward, and I suppose that depends on you, your strength, your support, the resolve, and commitment to stay upright and focused on those around you, including yourself... Give yourself time; make a plan, and never mind taking one day at a time, sometimes it has to be an hour, a moment or even a minute. It can be done, but take the pressure of yourself and those around you by keeping your expectation to a minimum. Remember stuff happens but life goes on.

Good Luck my friend.

 If one breathes in hope, and then breathes out peace, a ripple will crisscross the world.

~JaneEwen~

The Visitant...

Image used from www.gofundme.com

 



I am a real being brought into this world by mistake. Along the way I managed to acquire a deep understanding of what a home truly means. I guess it might have helped if there’d been ‘A once upon a time fairytale’ when in reality, I didn’t have a home. The truth, there was no belonging, not anywhere... I repeat with great sadness that we had no place to go. So if you can... come close, let me share a few dark secrets of a journey which once smouldered within a framework of tortured thoughts.

In their terrible dilemma the young couple didn’t know what to do, beat by life, and unrelenting poverty their all consuming thoughts of seeking refuge might be a good idea... In a moment of madness they use the last of their money to buy tickets so that they can return to his beloved Emerald Isle. There was a real need to seek much needed solace.

Hidden from sight, their tiny bundle is screwed up in a dirty blanket, semi-protected from icy cold wind, and freezing spray from the raging Irish Sea. The threesome, make their way on an uncertain journey towards his goal. Smoke billows above the young couple as they share one cigarette after another, and when they share alcohol too, their already confused minds decide this is the perfect thing, the only thing they can do. The new father stuffs his newborn infant further into his oversized, waterproof coat; he doesn’t want to lose this cargo, not when he’s made the right decision to protect his family. With a faraway look on his drunken face, mystically he hears panpipes of Celtic music, and remembers home... Home is where they should be. His mother was a hard soul but she would accept them, she had to.

Though the journey is long and arduous, it is nothing compared to the hysterical screams of abuse which follow as he, his new wife, and tiny baby are chased from his childhood home.

Wind and rain thrash madly about them, but equally it matches the mood of his mother.

Breathing heavy, holding her hip she chases them.

 

“You are not welcome; things are hard enough without another three mouths to feed” She screams.

 

If in that heart-stopping moment you’d held on to your breath, and listened hard enough, you would have heard the distinct sound of fractured fear in her voice.

Tears mix with rain that day, exhausted and defeated, they walk wearily back to the harbour. By the time they arrive back in England, the impact of the whole horrendous journey on their newborn baby had taken its toll, and in a flash of inspiration, the father takes his sick infant to a convent. The nuns waste no time at all; the sick child is whisked away, and admitted to the children’s hospital. Unfortunately she’s diagnosed with a list of difficulties, the most apparent one being the fact she is struggling to breathe... It takes eight months for the child to recover, and in-between that time the couple still fail to find a home; they decide on another move... But first they have to wait for the baby to be released from her magic bubble, the only home she’s ever known. Shaking his box of matches through the glass in her bubble is the only way the young father gets his little girl to smile.

The second home is a single room in a run-down Victorian house. Invasive damp, black mould, peeling wall-paper, cold, fighting, unsavoury individuals, and their ever increasing alcohol fuelled violence. Then her brother is born, which put’s further stress on the young couple. Minutes turn into hours, and hours turn into days, all of which see a definite longing in the little girl to return to her magic bubble, it had been safe, quiet, and warm with smiley faces. Her heart feels forever sad...

The couple unhappy; they struggle, and always find something insignificant to fight about. Another baby sister is born and dies. The damp, cold, smelly room is depressing and sad.

The mother cries, and the dad is always missing.

 

This is their life, her life... so why didn’t they see that all she wants is a warm, safe place, with a soft clean bed, and parents who understand the basic requirements of how to love, provide, and protect.  

The story doesn’t finish there... because despite her young years she is often found sitting in the soulless Victorian room, which inevitably becomes someone else’s version of home. She knows, as if from a magical sense of a long-held memory, that this isn’t so. And then, god help them, another beautiful baby sister is born and dies.

By the time she is seven years old, and the powers that be take a keen interest in her family’s life, there is a change, a big shift, and along with four brothers and one sister, at long last she is gratefully removed. Her placement is dreamlike, a wonderful experience. The magic bubble she’d left all those years ago, was about to reappear, and this brought the most amazing sense of belonging. She arrived; she was home, with real people who knew how to take care of children, they knew what was important in the life of a child.

So dear reader, the outcome for this little girl was the overwhelming importance in finally arriving home, and once she was there, she found love, enveloped in warmth, and a true sense of belonging, as well as having peace, and joy in feeling safe, and secure knowing it would all be there every single day... 

Home is many things to many people, but when a being is brought into the world, and has no home, the importance of getting one is paramount; even if that means having to leave your own family to acquire that very basic, fundamental need, which is normally granted to most... then, it simply has to be.

~Jane Ewen~

 

I Believed...

(A Thousand Years - Christina Perri Lyrics)

 I Believed... By Jane Ewen.

I always believed you would find me... It was written in
ancient, timeless scriptures which foretold that I would love you.

 

Instinctively I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep this treasure, this dream, if I didn’t believe.
I understood a deep, knowing... that I'd unconditionally give you all that I am, and the best thing was I saw as clear as any day, that I would be everything to you. That never-ending
invisible list which was built from years of being with beautiful people who
despite their best intentions were not YOU... I wondered aimlessly through life,
and l lived countless experiences, all of which would miraculously bring me to
a moment in time, a moment that would last forever... I wanted you; I implored the
universe for you to catch me, because I knew you’d be the one who would safely
hold my heart. I knew with inexplicably certainty, that you’d be the one who
would see through my walls.  

The beat of our music is magnificent.

I use to struggle to find a reason why I should be loved, but
just by being close you answered many questions, you ticked boxes. My
invisible, constrained list magically began to fade. Truth enveloped me, it
spoke to my soul, ice melted as it spelt words, and I cried, buried my face in
the warmth of you as I hugged your spirit. You whispered simple words of beauty, and managed to convey to me, with an honesty I’d only ever dreamed of, that you were here, you were really
here – at long last LOVE had found me. Oh my word, my lord, the absolute acceptance,
the beautiful, overwhelming feeling for the first time of being able to be ME. Someone
loved me, for who I am, no more pretending... This was so healing, and as all of
the hard years melted away, so forgiveness kicked in...   

Throughout my  life which was often hard, there had been a few happenings,
some good, some bad, as well as a few questions, with a few doubts, but in the
end, once I was secure it all managed to show me that if you believed hard
enough, truth will happen, and a special love would be born... This love will
not only touch you, but it will embrace all of those around you.   

For me the only unfortunate, negative to this much beauty, is
sadly not everyone finds this loveliness ... It’s possible though, it’s out
there, but for me, I believe fate has a huge part to play in this
game of life.  I suppose for now all I can
say is I am fortunate, and lucky in that I believed. Along the way I shared my beliefs with a chosen
few, some laughed, and others advised me to be realistic, but I knew in my
heart there was someone, I had seen a faceless version of him in my dreams, and I told myself I would know when I saw him...
and I did!

My darlings you have your own song, you know how you feel, believe...
take it forward, be what you wish to attract. Be honest, don’t hurt anyone, and
show kindness at all times. Just as I knew there was someone special looking
for me, I also know with that same unshakable, conviction, if we as human beings do all of
the above, the world will become a beautiful place, and all kinds of
beings will live a most wonderful life, especially a life without fear... I speak from experience when
I share; there is nothing worse than fear... I cry every time the news shows that
someone has died, someone is killed, murdered, or even lost and hurt. I don’t
know why, but my heart and soul feels indescribable pain, as if that individual
were my mother, my father, my sister, brother, or daughter etc. I know there
are beautiful people out there, beings who struggle with articulating these same
thoughts, and feelings, I know them to be as as loving as anyone else, and yet they find
being demonstrative, or open a huge challenge. If you struggle to feel
such depth in emotion, to the point it holds you back from being who
you truly are, then all I can disclose is that I was where you are now... I dealt
with it by taking time out to study myself, and rediscover who I was. It was a
tough, but beautiful journey; however it was also uplifting, and enlightening.  I’d never really liked who I was, In the end
though, I learned to like me and soon realised that actually, I wasn’t all that bad. With
it came an understanding of others, as well as myself. I started smiling more at people,
because I wanted to, and not because I had to. I came to
understand how precious a smile is, and the amazing impact it can have on
others.

If you’re reading this, and you don’t have any LOVE in your
life, I want you to know it’s not far away. Be positive, be ready to receive kindness,
and be ready to reciprocate that kindness, because that’s how it returns. Life
is wonderful, and that goes even if your life is currently in the toilet... it’s
a moment in time, and there’s always an end to experiences, which is just as
well given some of the moments some people live.

If your still here...

I would like to take this gorgeous opportunity
to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to visit my blog,
and read this post. Please come again and know: you will always get a response if you engage.  

I will be back soon.
Meanwhile alllow me to send amazing love,
and peace....