Writers Are Never Alone...

If I can help you see that beautiful light within then my purpose has been exposed, find that light, and find your magic, because we all have it... 

MJ

Jumping off the stairs she lands on all fours and for a moment she resembles a monkey. In her crouched position she is paused... her mind is still, whilst her hair cascades across her face, but through the breaks, I see big grey, green eyes, and as her black lashes blink, robot like, she begins to stand.

It's been a while but another Character waits to enter The Loft... 

Leaning against the wall I relax into my folded arms.  I decide to wait for her to speak.  I'm usually the communicator, the one who draws them out of their shells, but I decide for this one I need to spend time observing, for future reference. 

There is something intriguing about her. The character seems familiar, but I'm sure I've never met her before. 

"May I speak?" She whispers,

"Of course"

"I'm lost, I don't know where I am" visibly, she shivers.

"This is The Loft, where people come to wait"

"Wait?" She queries

"Yes,  it's like a half way house, where you spend time before you're included into a writers world" and with that explanation out of the hat I smugly hug myself tighter, feeling secure that my explanation is enough. 

Silence... Confusion...

"Why would I come here to go into a story?  I don't understand,  I want to go home"

Flummoxed, I'm confused now...

"But you are home, anyone who lands here usually wants to stay,  although, I did once have a couple who decided to leave, however, it's highly unusual"

This will never do, I thought, sensing my own irritability...

"But I'm not a character to be placed into a book,  I'm me,  I just don't know where I came from, I feel so confused, but I know who I am, and I don't think I want to be inserted with words, in-between pages"

(Silence)

My mind works over-time, I'll have to let her work through this.

"My name's Mary, she offers, I'm a good person, I'm clever, I studied hard and have a degree in philosophy and English Literature. My life seems real hazy right now, and I feel fearful because my mind is overwhelmingly foggy about everything else"

"Its ok Mary, it'll all become clear, I promise... and being someone important in a writers mind isn't for everyone, sometimes it's something you'll grow into, sometimes it can be something you help your writer with, quite often writers need a helping hand to grow their characters, and that's where you'd be the perfect asset, I watch as her demeanour softens, you're going to love your new job, Mary, we can take it easy, and go at your pace, if it's not for you, then you can leave at any time, but usually, once here, you'll want to stay. The Loft is warm, inviting, interesting and that amazing degree you've worked hard for, it'll be helpful, because that means you're a communicator, and there are some characters in The Loft who definitely need help" with another warm smile, I wink in her direction. 

"I like to help, I love getting to know people and I especially like to understand others, hence my philosophy knowledge" she looks up towards the top of the winding stairs, where those double doors beckon to all of my clients, and the characters who nestle there know that at some point I'll need them. 

"Maybe I'll stop for a little while then, she looks at me and asks, what's your name?"

"It's Mary-Jane, but my friends call me MJ"

"Ah she cries, no wonder I've grown to like you, we share our first name"

"Why what's your second name" I ask,

And as I watch her face, I smile, knowing her realisation is but a word away... 

"My second name is, Jane" she splutters...

Sometimes you don't have to understand the way of the land, often times, acceptance is the key, but never think writers are lonely, because we're not...

MJ Ewen 

Knowing...

'Sad Child' Image from www.pxleyes.com

I know... I don’t know how, but I KNOW... have you ever felt the presence of knowledge, yet you couldn’t explain how, why, or when you became aware of the information... It isn’t knowledge of a prediction, and it isn’t looking into a crystal ball at the future and feeling certain about someone’s life... it’s a knowing which magically hits you. The knowing can happen when a person is talking, listening or simply stood in your company... or at an event and suddenly you feel overwhelmed with information, feelings, opinions, beliefs and views. You could be writing, watching TV, making plans...  The information can be so extraordinarily strong, that you know without doubt how another is feeling, what they need to do, and nine times out of ten you’re able to execute a plan without hurting the feelings of any sensitive soul... Back in the day my knowing was scary... but not anymore, I know what I have to do. I truly believe this came from a whole childhood of feeling inferior, and uncertain.

There is a beauty to uncertainty and I’d like to share with you what it means for me... When you’re stuck in that moment, that frozen, dying, period when you feel your losing it... stop... wait and feel the tick of time as it allows you to hold on to permission to do something about your moment of truth... You do not have to rush for anyone, time was made for all of us to relax in whilst we made good decisions, and if you made a bad one, that’s ok to because mistakes are made to learn from...

Lifting a clenched fist, rage overwhelms the whole of his being. He stumbles...

A weird motion of uneasy slowness all around catches in his throat, he realises this isn’t normal, this is not what normally happens, and this is definitely not how it had gone before... what the hell was different?

The stupidest gaze lands on the baby, she turns and looks deep into his soul... He flinches, anger stabs at him hard, and he raises his fist higher. Anger at boiling point, he needs to vent, to let go... Baby blue eyes flood with liquid, and her warmth strikes him. Reluctantly he lowers his hand, and picks her up; insistently he lifts her high into the air. Her job is done...

As a child growing up in an uncertain world she knew things...  she knew stuff she didn’t understand, she knew death was not the end, and for reasons unknown she also knew it was simply a transition. She knew she was wise beyond her years, she knew a great deal of information, information that was inexplicable in terms of how she could have known such things at her young age. Knowledge gave her power, a power she had always been aware of, but thankfully way back then she’d always felt the all consuming power would remain with her always. The important thing through all of this is that the knowing is, and would always be the truth. How she knew this she couldn’t say... she just knew. The strange thing is it wasn’t just a clear knowing; there were other things, things she would only be able to share as her journey unfolded... There’s no rush, no need to worry, only a delightful sense of peace, and calm.

 

© Jane Ewen

YOU... were made for me...

 

A Re-edited repost of a favourite blog from 2010...

 

It's strange even spooky how moments, events, including individuals and times can go on to rekindle memories, reinforcing how truly lucky we are, especially when faced with some memory's that might not have been all that great...But I have gone on to find with every moment of darkness, there is always lashings of LIGHT...

One of my most favourite quotes...  

 

“In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours.
In all the world, there is no love for you like mine.”
Maya Angelou

This is a story previously told of private thoughts and feelings around a truly wonderful night that changed my life for the better... When I originally shared the story, which involved finding and finally understanding love and all it meant, I quite rightly dedicated it to my wonderful man, Douglas... Who in my opinion, just happens to be the most wonderful man on the planet. For those of you who don’t know Doug let me say this, if he ever read this post (he'd cringe) but only because he’s a calm, modest person, who wouldn’t speak or even think of himself in the way I have portrayed him... But hey you guys, I'm doing this and it's my story!

The first time I set eyes on this lovely man, my heart skipped a beat then it banged so loudly I felt sure everyone in the room must have heard.

At the time of setting my sights on this gorgeous guy, I just so happened to be in a time and space, where I was unhappily watching life along with its participants go by... Dreamily poised on the 2^ndfloor which was slightly raised from the main dance floor, I felt weirdly detached as I watched this handsome guy walk towards me. For whatever reason I instantly felt a connection... Don’t ask me how, but I inexplicable knew we were going to be soul mates.

When I realised he was walking toward me I recall my breathing became erratic, and I have to admit to feeling strangely peculiar. As he got closer I saw within him a gentle determination. Then like a bolt of lightning, I realised his absolute purpose... for the first time in a long time I smiled inwardly... This tall, dark handsome stranger had seen me from across the room and wanted to meet me. As he strode forward, I observed him gently excusing him-self to pass through the busy bumping, grinding crowds, all the while never taking his eyes off of me... unbeknown to him, I was quietly drinking in his appearance, and when he reached me with his impish grin, he politely asked if he could buy me a drink. Totally captivated by him, with his tall athletic figure I immediately noted strong broad shoulders, and gorgeous black hair which gleamed and sparkled from being gelled and patiently styled... he looked amazing, just like he’d stepped away from a top celebrity stylist and was ready for his photo shoot

When he started speaking to me with a Scottish lilting tone I thought instantly of Sean Connery, which made me smile more.

l felt a tap on my shoulder as a friend shrieked, come on it’s time to go... In that instant, I really wanted to stay but I knew that wouldn’t be right. I quickly retrieved my mobile number. As we briefly half hugged, I wondered whether this gorgeous human being would ring me, or would he just melt into oblivion, never to be heard from again... Laughing, I found myself being pulled backwards by friends, through dancing crowds; it felt completely surreal as I watched dancing bodies sway to the beat of dance music. My own heart banged like a drum as it too danced. At the same time I tried hard not to take my eyes off of the tall dark Scottish guy who watched my every move. My last vision as I was pulled through double doors... a handsome man and his perfect smile.

For the rest of the evening my mind sensed that hopeful questionable feeling of ... could this possibly be it?... This might just be what I’ve been waiting for. It also shrieks louder, confirming someone found you attractive, someone was interested. He didn’t have his beer goggles on...because you know when he bought you that beer, he ordered himself a coke. Instinct sensed a mysterious darkness, but clearly I saw an elusive light. Oh wow, I'd waited to see that light for so long. A thought nudged in closer making me wonder, once again... was I going to be let down?... Like so many souls, all I wanted in this wonderful life, was a nice guy who’d know instinctively how to treat a woman, and that he’d be open and honest with his feelings... no mind games, just simple to goodness honesty, with a clear defined knowledge of what and whom he wanted out of life. But, I very quickly, and quite rightly reprimanded myself. Lady Jane, this is wayyyy too early for these deep, profound thoughts, especially at this inappropriate level...

Hey but come on, you know what us ladies are like... we just can’t help ourselves. On most things in life I always look at the bigger picture. I’m still not sure if that’s a good or bad thing, but I feel I can say, it’s always kept me safe...

On my way home I heard my phone beep...

My tummy turned then nose dived towards my legs. I saw an unfamiliar number... followed by, "I hope you’re having a good evening. I will ring tomorrow, if that’s ok with you?"

I wanted to shout, squeal, scream and yell. I kept it under wraps, tentatively reminding myself that life sometimes had a funny way of hastily turning in the wrong direction, but I also knew this could be the start of something really good. Getting to know someone was a great way to start. I didn’t answer his text immediately ... I wanted to appear all super cool and sophisticated... *smile*
Soooooo... I left it all of 10 minutes!

My response was to report, I had indeed enjoyed a great evening, and that I looked forward to his call!

Well friends, I’m happy to report that was the start of something magical, which thankfully continues... I'm lucky to be with a generous guy who is warm, genuine, trustworthy, loyal and tactile... Importantly he loves unconditionally... He inspires and encourages me, and I can’t imagine life without him. The cherry on the top of our cake was his proposal one New Year's Eve, followed by us marrying, making life wonderfully complete.

Although I’ll never forget the old days when life was at times a struggle, it also confirms for me that times do change, it also says nothing stays the same forever, and if someone was in your life, and  for what ever reason they left, there was a reason for that... The thing with failed relationships, is that they fail for a reason.

Thankfully there is a happy ending to my story, and that's wonderful but I guess it can take someone who has been through a lot to really know what they want in life... All I can share is that for me going through difficult, challenging, life changing moments, essentially showed me what I wanted in life, who I wanted to be with, and where I wanted to go...

 

~JaneIsEspeciallyGratefulForAllSheHasAndAlwaysWillBe.Ewen~