My Dream...

Our dream’s, dramas, life, learning, and living, are all essential to who, what, and where we are.

I had a special day yesterday, it was my birthday. I’m not sure if it’s because I was captivated by the day, and those around me but as the day progressed, It became much clearer about who, where, and why, I was doing the things I’d been trying to accomplish over the past few years.

Definitely a day for reflection.

I guess I realised that at last I’m in a space which has taken a long time to get to, and because of where I am, I realise, and super appreciate how lucky I am to be here. I feel crystal about where I want to go, and what I want to do. I know from speaking with others that in itself is a real gift.

Family life is fabulous, and my working life is content... the thing I’m really working hard on, is my beloved writing. I realise there has to be a certain amount of talent to accomplish the dream. I’m beginning to wonder if all the passion I feel for the profession will help, and subsequently contribute to a successful end...

Only time will tell.

My dream to be a writer incorporates many things... Looking back I had a really poor childhood, so I know the need to be heard is extremely important, a wish to share heartfelt messages so that others will know they’re not alone. The hope that one day I will write stories in a way that others will actually feel as if they are physically there, and not only will they hear the story, but they’ll feel it, and sense each characters heartbeat. Even though I want this and more, I’m aware that in developing that unique world of the imagination, I especially want to remain reclusive, be a mysterious writer who is intent on making big changes for the better. As I reach out to beings from all walks of life with a dream to help make life better, I think only then will I feel that yes, I’ve made it...   

Sometimes it takes just one word to switch on a light bulb for another... And the phenomenal thing is that change can be extraordinary.

© Jane Ewen July 2015 

 

Halloween Wishes...

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It’s 1904. Pretty Ella Wilson is a very excited young lady. She is going to be allowed quite a unique opportunity of taking a glimpse into her future ... Ella has a dream, she would dearly love to see her future husband-to-be, and on this ‘Hallows Eve’ she has been told her wish will be granted ... But listen, and remember... (Be careful what you wish for)  

 

5-45pm... Monday 31^st October 1904

I’m overjoyed, my shift is finally over. It’s Monday 31^st October in the year 1904, and my friend Polly from the kitchen has told me it’s ‘All Hallows Eve’ but wait, here’s the exciting part... if I really, really want to, then this would be the absolute, perfect night, to sit in a darkened room, hold a mirror out to my front, just so I may catch a glimpse of my beloved, my future husband...  The very thought that this might be so, fills me with astonishment.  Oh I know what you’re thinking, ‘what on earth is she going on about’ but please, listen...  For over two long, lonely years, my dream’s been love, marriage and babies. Yes, I realise I have to find a partner first, sadly though to me this dream’s a million miles away....

 

Let me introduce myself, my name is Ella Wilson; I work as a domestic maid for an eminent Doctor and his family in the heart of London. It is unusual, but I live out which suits me just fine.  This evening as I leave work, I distinctly feel a lighter skip to my walk. My emotions are high, and although I’m not sure why, I feel overwhelmed almost like I’ve won a prize. I feel hopeful as well as in suspense with recent advice and information; I carefully store a list of things in the twirling vortex of my mind. My first stop before catching the tram home is to pop into the nearest shop; I must obtain a bottle of wine, just to help me relax for the evening ahead.

Within the quaint little shop I smell the over powering aroma of liquorice. As I Look around I spy big juicy pumpkins, and decide there and then to make a Jack-o-lantern. I smile at the thought of an enclosed candle flickering warmly. With a most welcome relief I realise it will illuminate the surrounding darkness in my little room, which is where I will sit for the event. With all my heart, I hope and pray that tonight I will get to meet my future husband. The very thought seems nigh on impossible...

10.00pm...

Sat in my favourite armchair, excited, and dressed in my Sunday best with gas lights extinguished, I relax as it grows progressively darker... Two more hours need to pass... as I lean back I admire the pumpkins big bright but scary face, its candle flickers in a sinister way, whilst nightmarish eyes grin back at me...  Outside, the night is black and icy; cold begins to penetrate my little room.  In the dark, I’m able to watch as fine spits of rain, sizzle on the gas lamps outside my window, causing little puffs of smoke to evaporate into the chilly night. The front door’s been knocked countless times; I ignore them, because this evening is mine. I must remain calm, relaxed and open to the fact that I’m going to see my one true love, my sweetheart... tonight.

 

The clock strikes the 11:00^th hour, only one more hour till magical strike of midnight. Slowly, deliberately, I pour another glass of deep, dark delicious wine; as it usually does, it hits the spot. My eyes close, my mind slides to an inviting grey light, which nestles snugly behind tired eyelids, here I see myself and the past... I do hope day dreaming is allowed before one sees a future vision... I shiver as I observe loneliness, and as I behold my eternal wish for a proper family, and sense its importance as it illuminates through the greyness. I know my past has not been good, but at least I work, and I have a place to stay.  I want to be positive. I need to concentrate hard on the good bits of life; anything extra would be the bonus I’ve long waited for. Maybe this dream is for idiots or for fools who want to wish their lives away... Who in their right mind would wait till midnight to catch a glimpse of someone they don’t even know... smiling, my grin spreads wide.  I already know the answer to that laborious question. I also know it would be a fool who did not seek-out what they want.  All I know is that I need to know, I have to know, even if the answer is good, bad or indifferent, I have to see.

 

Pouring yet another glass of wine I visibly flinch at the time.  11.56pm; I need to set the scene. Gripping the cold wine glass, I take a final sip... looking deep into my beautiful mirror, which I acquired when I took up residence in my little room... I admire the stunning, ornamental decor of this outrageously heavy mirror which is made from solid oak; it stands upright on its own stand... To my right, the Jack-o-lantern flickers softly on my little wine table. In a heartbeat I note the air abruptly chills... its deathly quiet. Unexpectedly I smell apple cinnamon, not sure why as I don’t recall buying any. I hear the ticking of a clock; I don’t possess a clock that ticks... Why?  Because I can’t stand them with their perpetual reminder that life ticks on by....

12:00 ~ Midnight:

I wonder if these new sights, sounds and smells have anything to do with the magic I’m about to witness... Motionless, I tentatively peer into the mirror, nervous now by the sudden appearance of swirls of fog, its denseness goes from thick to thin, then abruptly it starts to clear... stretching forwards I crane my neck further towards the mirror.  I don’t know how, but I do know the time is imminent; fog seems to be disappearing, but then the odd swirl blows towards me from within the mirror... is that possible? Polly said nothing about fog penetrating my front room, but hang on, there’s something else, my body feels strange and oh so peculiar.  I cringe as I feel the hairs on my arms and neck stand to attention. A petrified feeling within my stomach churns over, and over, I’ve felt this feeling before... its fear.   Fear with its tentacles begins its climb up towards my chest. I’m unable to move my eyes, staring hard into the mirror; under no circumstances do I want to miss my loved one... I know as if by instinct that something is about to happen, the room starts to turn, the mirror clears again.

 

Hang on I see something...  someone’s moving, crawling forwards, perhaps like me wanting a better look... I see a figure from the other side pushing closer to catch a glimpse... Heart truly singing now... I know I’ll see him shortly. Damn the fog is here again... the mirror darkens, I’m almost standing to catch a glimpse of who’s within my mirror; I hear something, someone... he’s calling my name.  Clearer now, “Ella, Ella... Closer, come closer, I can’t see you... Come to the Mirror Ella, come...“ Standing tall, this is it, I touch my face and smooth down my dress, I feel a heart full of love as I nervously step forward... A gurgling sound echoes throughout the room...  another step up to the glass, then a crescendo of a thousand bubbles explode as they escape from the mirror...  

 

A green light throbs as it pulsates from behind the glass. I’m just able to make out the outline of his skull; he’s here, my beloved... His arms open out towards me, lovingly, I thrust my own arms forward, I am quickly horrified to see them disappear into the mirror; the glass gives way like liquid metal... but before I get a chance to scream, I’m noisily sucked into the dark green, murky water, like a loose weed I’m gone... Gone forever with my love on the other side of the mirror, lost in his twilight misty world of fog...

 

Disorientated, I float helpless back towards the front of the mirror. From here I look... and scream as I witness the absolute horror of it all... and as I frantically push both hands onto the inside of the glass ~ I look out to see the Jack-o-lanterns chilling, twinkle as it stares menacingly back at me, I catch a glimpse of my upturned wine glass, with its contents still seeping into the carpet, but oh my god, that’s nothing to the most frightening sight of all...

 

A grotesque man sits in my wonderful, comfortable armchair, and with a ghoulish grin he waves at me.  

 

© 2014 Jane Ewen  

 

 

 





All I want for Christmas...

It’s been a little while but I’m tickled pink to be back....

Yes guys you guessed it... it’s that wonderful time of the year again. I absolutely love Christmas. This year though the fly in my cream is that unfortunately I’m feeling a little under the weather, but I’m super sure it will all work out, and at some point I’ll be well enough to get on with life...  I hope that time is kind and then in-between all the drama, I sincerely hope wishes are recognised as I get time to do what I love to do best... Write!

Recently I reluctantly decided to shut down a page on Facebook called: https://www.facebook.com/MessagesThatTouchOnesSoul?ref=hl

However I’m smiling right now, because despite writing a little message this morning to explain reasons for closure, I later found myself sharing something with said page, something I felt might help others... Story of my life and why not, it’s always worth helping another, no matter how small or insignificant anyone thinks it might be...  Our actions are important; I truly believe we are what we do. I’ve also often thought that we really are much more than we think we are... we need to remember all things are possible, and if we don’t reach intended goals, the question could be... did we try as hard as we thought we had... Nothing and no one should stop us, because it’s a well known saying that we are all different and I for one thank god for those differences.   If you’re sat reading this, and you’re in turmoil because you don’t know what you want, maybe you could close your eyes and think about a very simple thing... What would you really like to do? Is there something in life you want, but you feel it’s out of reach because you felt you weren’t good enough, clever enough... Or maybe life is galloping at a hundred miles an hour and you’ve turned around, and you’re also wondering where the heck time went. My hope is this... that you’ll calmly hold on and embrace the simplicity of this little ditty, ‘it’s better late than never’ ... and realise the transparency of its statement really does mean...‘It’s always and forever better late than never’ Make yourself a Christmas wish, and then give the one who matters most, extra permission to realise that no matter how long it takes to get it... Phew, there are no worries!  

Anyway my darlings, it’s wonderful to be back... I’m especially hoping to spend more time where I belong; after all, AngelJanes World is where I healed before... Interestingly enough, I have a few ideas to work on but nothing to share for the time being... I tweeted today on how I’d made a promise to another Writer to #Focus more and it feels really strange, but that promise has given me a new lease on life... in terms of where I would like my dreams to take me.  (More to share laters)

So for now dear ones, be good, take care and don’t forget to remember... Never let anyone discourage you from doing what you really want...

Jane Ewen is back...

Dreams, Wishes & Feelings...

Right now my friend all I know is that I’ve been fortunate enough to grow in an ever-changing world, and no matter what, I will never... not ever, let go of my dreams...

DREAMS... I have a few, all involve my beautiful family.

WISHES... are for my voice to be eventually heard, as well as all the emotion contained within each word and setting. And if it doesn’t sound conceited, I am hopeful it will allow others to experience it to the full.   

FEELINGS... that they persist in being continuous and they are never far away from a single thought.

I am always surprised where the journey takes me...

Stepping out of one’s comfort zone in terms of what one writes is mind blowing to say the least... Very often I find myself talking about facts, the past, present and future. I discuss how I feel, what I perceive others may believe.  It always feels extremely important for me to share a lot of deep, often confusing experiences that usually becomes clearer as I go on to discuss further within my own world of words... I always disclose my writing to be therapeutic, and holding hand on heart, I continue to confirm that for me, this is so... I always find myself to be comfortingly realistic, with incessant remarks about my lack of education; I very often wonder where I might have been today, had my parents been different or if my upbringing had been a little closer to normal... Other times I feel a little melancholy, especially when I think I might have been a bit more receptive to possible opportunities... Who knows, had my life taken a different path I might even have been an accomplished author... Writing words and thoughts full to bursting, impregnated with my own unique expressions, and novels to delight all the people I want to spiritually and blissfully touch.  

Every day I feel the need to progress with my writing, I very often write and don’t share... I have two novels on the go and with any possible luxury of spare time; these will get worked on...  Just as much as words are terribly important, so are people... family, friends & strangers.  I feel I have an affinity with all of human kind... I will profess to liking animals, but not as much as humans. I am able to stand next to a complete stranger, and feel an amazing amount of information, and on occasion if they turn to me, we can become engulfed in conversation and it naturally feels like we have know each other for years.   I quite often find myself feeling another’s pain, happiness, disappointment and I have to make sure that I tell myself in no uncertain terms, that those experiences are happening to another and not to me... I have discovered that feeling someone else’s emotions at such an incredible intensity, may mean I have the qualities of an Empath, and I guess this is why it’s taken me, heaven knows how many years to be able to distance myself to such an extent, so that when I receive another’s energy, it doesn’t make me unwell.

I don’t proclaim to know it all, I believe I’ve learned a lot but I also believe I have a heck of a lot to learn... This is why I consider myself to be blessed, and it’s also why I live in hope that the PLOT will thicken...

~AngelJane~ 

 

My Father...

The big question for me this week was something I’ve been concentrating on for a little while... Although I have to profess, I don’t quite have all the answers but you know how I love to share, waffle and divulge.  Come on pull up a chair and stay a few moments, I would love to talk to you...

I use to think I was a dreamer and I suppose to some extent a lot of us might have that delightful trait securely fixed within our own wonderful personalities ... but recently oh how I've wistfully looked back on vague and distant memories of my father. It's made me wonder if a part of me is like he was. The thing I know more than anything about my dad, is that when I was little, I missed him so much... he was never around, but I will never forget the bond I had with him... When I did get to see him I recall I’d quietly watch him, and wonder what made him tick. (Due to the way I was brought up) When I did get to see him, I would usually feel a deep sense of sadness because here was my very own dad, but I didn’t really know him...  When I was small, I would sit quietly to observe him. To this day I still remember the way he'd sit in his chair, the way his blue eyes would flicker from side to side, and I’d know instinctively he was thinking... to me he was always the thinker, a mystical force that I'd fantasise about. I wanted to be near him, and have him tell me he was proud of me, that he loved me, but mostly, I wanted him to be the dad I remembered. I'd reminisce vividly how I use to believe I was able hear him think... Sad wonder is, I never actually heard/saw or understood his thoughts or the man he was.  To this day, I still wish it would be possible to sit with him, and ask all the many unanswered questions...  

 

Parents are so terribly important in our lives, their input is massive in terms of our development, but where the hell does one go when faced with the loneliness of being brought up and living in the company of strangers... Let me tell you this... Yes I believe their absence impacted on me, and my siblings, but in the long run I’ve personally come to no harm from not having a family, despite wanting one that I would have loved deeply... Instead I had a different upbringing. In many ways I was lonely, but my past I'd describe as character forming, with a whole load of empty longing.

 

Despite everything, life still managed to magically instil in me many things that have become super important... The amazing thing is that I know who I am, where I came from, where I’ve been and where there is yet for me to go... I believe the past is what makes us, and I agree with all the current quotes... The past does not define, but it sure as hell has a major input into personality... I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again for the benefit of any readers who have been through the same or even similar experiences...  what happened in my childhood was NOT my fault, the people to blame are the adults who were around...The sad thing is how much they lost out, but thank god I made sure I broke the circle. My child was not beaten, neglected and neither was she abused...  why the hell would anyone do that to another? So if you’re reading this and blaming your upbringing for something you've done or are presently doing ... FORGET IT... You’re in control, you’re the adult and it’s up to you to do the right thing... All I understand is that children, life, including every single, living being are important and super precious. We don’t get this time back, so we have to do the right thing... make the right choices... No excuses... NONE!!

No matter what you’ve been through, you have to try your very best in life, don’t paint everyone with the same brush, because this will only hold you back, and might even paralyse. So come on embrace life... believe me, you’ll find what you put in, you’ll get back.  Be yourself, be real, don’t have a hidden agenda, just bring your lovely personality to life, and share unconditionally...

Life is too short to do anything else!


I really do believe in being mindful of people’s feelings and despite writing about my past, present and future... I sincerely hope others recognise I take my written words seriously... I do not wish to lay blame, hurt or accuse anyone... I simply want to write truth as I understand and perceive it. I dont know how it happened, but I've magically grown from a very dysfunctional family background. I think I can safely say because of the vast and varied different input, I have been so lucky and managed to find the real me...  And that is always worth celebrating...

Breathe... Focus... Relax...

Stay close.  

When I was 12years old...

Today is a wonderful day for most because it’s ‘MOTHERS DAY’ and yet how incredibly strange it feels for me... to know that my own biological mother is in a home dying... I came to the conclusion last night, that whatever she inflicted upon us she's suffered tenfold.

So on this wonderful Mothers day I write my post with so much love and haste, so that I can dedicate it to my beautiful girls... I write from my heart and I smile with its beats, because whether I ever make it in the literary world of beautiful, creative arts... I want both my darlings to know my work is for them. It’s filed, password protected for both of you... you will always have me near and within... I don’t plan on going anywhere just yet, but it’s a thought that I’ve never disclosed and so today with everything I know, I feel it’s the right time to share...

When I was 12years old I was what I always refer to as a ‘Child of Salford’... at that time I was happily in the care system. Saturday morning’s would find me in my own dream world, lying on my bed reading, and I always sensed, such captivating magic in-between each and every line or speech bubble... Education wise, I didn’t start school properly until I was 8yrs old, so you will understand catching up to my peers was ultra important to me. I recall excelling at English, however math’s was a complete disaster, and still is but you short change me and you’ll know about it! 

Back then I told myself I would be a writer, but then I lost sight of the dream with the toil of life and just living, getting by each day. I suppose I realised my late start in school and the important issue of missing parents and siblings, really had a devastating effect on life as well as my aspirations.  Instead it issued me with a dreadful sense of my own lack of confidence... I was not articulate and my grammar usually escaped me. Then four years ago when I had a real life-crisis, I suddenly realised writing was something I wanted to do more than ever. Finally I started writing a few pieces, and then I nervously produced my BLOG AngelJanes World... I also recall the elation at having a short story published by the Scottish book trust. To see and feel my very own words in print did something to my heart and soul. I guess you could say it made my spirit squeal in a way I’d never heard before.

My true belief is that although I’m sure I haven’t quite found my voice yet in the literary world, the one thing I am super sure about, is that I have a way of writing which I hope to retain... I want people to sense my passion and feel the genuineness in my voice, I want them to take the words in and know as I speak, I write... In taking original thoughts and ideas out, polishing stuff up and taking the edge off things... isn’t how I want my writing presented... although please don’t misunderstand, I want the work to be presented to you in a way that is intelligible, I just don’t want to lose the original voice or enthusiasm. I love the fact that most times when I read back, I feel like I’m having a conversation with myself... I also imagine certain faces and dreamily wonder what they might think...

On my journey of realisation, I further became conscious and subsequently watched as a whole new healing process beautifully took place, and I recall wanting to shed tears at all the unnecessary time I’d wasted. How much better things would have felt if I’d allowed myself the freedom to write, even if it was just for me....? Layer by layer sadness peeled back, I was able to face things which I’d refused to do previously. I hate conflict, I would run away from challenge and quite often I'd hide my head in the sand to avoid having to feel any more pain...

It’s taken so long to get to this point in time, but I’m deeply happy to be able to report that being here feels extraordinary. I’ve always known, and maybe, just maybe, this is why the journey's taken so long... that personally for me, writing usually depends very much on how I'm feeling, and I can honestly say I have never felt as internally happy in mind, body and spirit as I do right now... My life, although it's not perfect, is as perfect as I can make it... My family mean the whole world to me, and as most of you may already know, I blissfully married in 2011 to the most amazing man who believes in me, and with him he brought so much to life... he also miraculous taught me, that I can do whatever I want by just being me... So in being me, I say to anyone who is listening... life maybe short, but the time you spend on this gorgeous planet and those choices you make, sometimes have the most profound impact on those around you. So with my love and best wishes I whisper, be careful!  
 

Have a wonderful day!

Don’t forget stay close... just so I can reach out and touch you!

 

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