My Nirvana...

I write this particular piece, not because I need closure or even peace of mind... I happen to be deeply thankful that I've been fortunate enough to have located both! In looking up the word Nirvana, I immediately understood Buddha’s explanations of this beautiful serene word...It's description is as follows. NIRVANA... a perfect peace of a state of mind, that is free from craving, anger and other afflicting states. It is also the "end of the world" there is no identity left, no boundaries for the mind. The subject is at peace with the world and has compassion for all... The highest happiness. I read this and I knew back then the moment I was taken into care, I'd reached my own spiritual Nirvana; eventually I came to understand the chaotic world as I knew it was at long last over... I was in a new world, a world where there was peace, love, respect and understanding... The thing I didn't understand was this... as a child I clearly knew I wanted to receive and give all of the above qualities, but, I’d never experienced them, so how could I possibly know/recognise that these are the things I wanted most in all the world?

(Present time) From beyond my own understanding, I sense a need from somewhere outside of myself. A need that feels desperate to the point of becoming distressed enough to put heartfelt words into ink. Please don’t ask me how I know, I just know that these particular thoughts may touch someone out there, someone who’s looking for their own inner peace and comfort around what they’ve experienced or are presently going through...

My heart wants to reach out and say, let me hold your hand gently whilst you read my thoughts, for I know what you are going through and you are not alone...

I’m delighted I can recall this memory without dissolving into tears or feeling overwhelmed by immense sadness. What I will say is right now, this particular memory will remain crystal clear until I am no more... Just for the record, I did bury this scary recollection for the longest time. When it did re-surface it filled me with the darkest terror and to this day I still have nightmares. So, here’s what followed when I experienced being sucked out of one world into another – Even at the age of eight, I somehow realised, I’d been transformed as if by magic into a princess. As you read further my friend, you’ll understand the reasons why my young mind came to this happy conclusion, and how it miraculously saved my life...

It all begins with being abused, abused, abused... as well as being left home alone on a regular basis by a mother who didn’t appear to posses any maternal instinct. The world I was whisked away from the first time... (It happened twice) was filled with a coldness, grey and black, no colour it was heartbreakingly dismal. There was no warmth only anger and chaos... when a hand touched you it hurt. When I was addressed It was in vengeful anger and disgust. When eyes looked at me, all I saw was hate. I was beaten, battered and discarded at whim. I was forced to take care of siblings and very often we all went without food. Hygiene was non-existent, as were a lack of clothes & shoes. My parents didn’t like one another and their relationship was fiery often leading to domestic violence which was horrendous, leaving me screaming and crying then running to the local police box for help.

Eventually my dad left, which regrettably meant we were then at the mercy of a mother who was not only unstable, she was also well known for being selfish and immature. Frighteningly her new-found freedom brought further dangers for us. She got a job as a bar-maid and began bringing random strangers home, which eventually brought problems for me. I remember wanting to disappear off the face of the earth and I eventually recognised this would be the time I’d hide behind my hands, believing unbelievably, I was invisible.

I witnessed far too much for my young age. I continually felt thoroughly miserable.

After you read some of the above, you would be forgiven for thinking 'Oh my god, how awful'... and you’d be right... it was, but, at this stage remember; it’s what we were use to. We had no comparisons. This was our life as we knew it...

Like I said previously, we were taken into care twice... On this occasion, I’m only going to talk about the first time.

We were home alone. I’d had my orders and as usual they were screamed at me...

“Do not let anyone in and don’t open the *Bleep Bleep*door for any *Bleep* reason”

Not a problem... I wouldn’t have anyway, there were certain aspects to being a frightened child that just made you wary.

When the first knock came it was dark. Frightened I moved upstairs. The children were asleep in bed, so I got in with them. Then a loud persistent hammering started, someone shouted. I crept down because I didn’t know what else to do. Cowering, I got to the front room; there were only two rooms. A big policeman was at the window looking in. He shouted then lowered his voice, explaining it was ok to open the door... I wasn’t having any of it; I was now petrified and burst into a run back up to my siblings, who were now crying from all the noise. Running past the kitchen window I saw other policemen out in the backyard. At the top of the steep staircase, I heard glass smash and footsteps running after me.

“There’s nothing to worry about children” he said standing in the small door-frame.

A police woman appeared... I was taken downstairs. They asked questions, but all I did was cry. I was in big trouble. There were so many people in the small front room. A big man appeared with kind blue eyes, red hair and a red beard. He told me he was going to examine the children and me because he was a Doctor and he was concerned. Looking between the adults all I saw were nodding heads. I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness. What the Doctor wanted from me were the children’s names as they were brought to him, so they wouldn’t be frightened. He asked me if I’d do that, I reluctantly nodded.

After each child was examined they were mysteriously whisked out through the front door. The word ‘neglect’ lay across the lips of present adults. I recall telling the nice Dr. I was ok and I’d wait for my mother, he said that wouldn’t be possible as he needed me to be with my brothers and sister. He also informed me the police had gone to get my mum, just so she’d know what was going on and where we were going... Without any warning I was lifted by the big police officer who’d been looking through the window earlier... I screamed and started fighting him, I knocked his helmet off, he dropped me. I knew I was a strong little girl and as I landed at his feet the front door flew open, in ran my mum... she screamed loudly, which only frightening me further.

“Bring back my children” she demanded her eyes wild. Her hand landed on me pulling me in close.

A few minutes was spent between the talking adults. The shouting escalated and she let go of me running into the kitchen. Abandoned again, I shot after her. The police were already in the back, they grabbed hold of her as she retrieved a big knife.

Holding it up high she pointed it downwards at herself.

“I want my children back” she screamed again falling to the floor... then she tried to stab herself... I screamed at the scene and truly felt the deepest disabling pain... I threw myself at her knowing I would never, ever be the same again. The police officers had hold of her. Thankfully they removed the knife; they made sure she was safe.

This time the Dr shouted, hissing hard for her to remember, I was still here.

He ordered the big police officer to remove me.

I remember screaming to my mum as I was forcefully removed

 
“I’m sorry I couldn’t keep them out, I’m sorry”

In my own tiny tortured mind I just knew it was my fault, it was the whole of my entire fault.

To be continued...