Image courtesy of www.idlehearts.com with a beautiful quote from Lewis B Smedes.
Her heart smashed into a thousand pieces. Devastated for the longest time, she feels she will never recover... but the true strength of character and the profound beauty of her spirit overwhelms. She realises too long has passed, her heart has to sing again. She sits and cries, but when she laughs, it’s with every intention of therapeutically healing herself by magically writing away the hurt.... She sees a bigger picture and as she looks ahead, she senses a brand new time
Picking up the pen she commences...
I would have followed you to the ends of the earth my love, and my reward... could have been your smile.
One day we may meet again... until then I’ll always wonder if your memories will include the way we use to dance. Will you easily recall how gently I held your hands? Or how we’d lie on damp, grainy sand, looking up to the sky, listening to the sounds of the sea and laugh at flashes of light as we watched the darkest shadows fall across the moon and stars. We would talk for hours... Where did time go? Why did we lose it, what happened?
I know when you’d look at me, my quickening heartbeat would bang like a drum... my burning desire was to always stay close, but life changes, things happen, circumstances alter, feelings deteriorate... For me there was no mistake, my senses told me my destiny was with you, you were my world... I worshiped the ground you walked on. I loved the world we lived in... Until recently, I wanted; no needed, to return to that life, share those secrets, hopes, and dreams. I wanted to kiss your strength, hug your vulnerability.
You always made me feel so safe, you said I completed you, you always told me I had lashings of love and that I filled you with immense security... the feeling was mutual, but then you changed, little things at first. The big tell tale sign was that we spent less and less time together... A first I shrugged it off, I would explain it away, but then it would niggle, fester and I would nag, over communicate, and whine for reassurance. It all became too much, and the world ended as you swiftly walked away... or thinking back did you just disappear? Because months later when I got to the point of desperation, and needed to talk, just to get some form of closure, or to discuss where it had all gone wrong... even give you your left over belongings... I was told that you’d left the country; strange thing is you did not leave alone!
Going through the separateness of separation, realising in the end I was not loved. I fell into a world of silence... The ways of humanity were completely beyond me. Dark nights always easier to hide within, to forget, but then that big bright sun always arrived in the mornings, and reality became as bright as its sun-light. I suppose enough time has passed and the knowledge and resignation of what you did, has filled me with a whole new other person, a person I didn’t know. Strangely enough she is as beautiful as the original, and is someone who needs to know what, how, when and where it all went wrong... for some strange reason that seems to be so vitally important... despite the not knowing, there now reigns a determination in me, it’s been a long hard struggle, but I truly believe, despite still loving you I am ready to let go... They do say when you love someone with all of your heart, that no matter what, you want them to be happy, but sadly I believe that is only partly true... if you’d said to me, I was not for you, and you’d left the relationship on your own, I’m quite sure it would have been a little easier for me to bear... All I know is that I am a good person, and I deserved so much better. The thing is, at long last I have worked it out, I am not responsible for your short comings, you did wrong, and it was not my fault... My family and friends tell me you’re a monster, a liar, a cheat, a no good person who will do the same to the woman you left me for, they say once a cheat always a cheat... but oh if you knew how I had stuck up for you, I could still cry now but I wont... I won’t do myself that injustice... I guess if the truth be known, if I did have a wish, I would wish for you to find happiness, because at the end of the day it’s you who has broken a heart, left a person worse off than you found them, and that is not what life is all about.
Thankfully my heart continues to be good. I am big enough to wish you untold happiness and I do this just so you don’t go through life leaving a terrible mess behind you.
I guess now that I’m at the end of this profoundly bitter-sweet letter to myself... it’s not hard to see that I am getting there... life is actually beautiful, it’s just a shame we couldn’t have made it together, but again you know what they say... if it hasn’t worked out, it wasn’t meant to be. The best part of getting over a breakup is to know and take from the relationship just what you don’t want in your next loving experience. This mistake has not made me feel like holding on to my heart, because that wouldn’t be fair ... When the time is right and I am full of love, my heart will be given to the right person. I will wish you well dear one, and as I walk the other way, I am convinced the universe holds something better for me.
Replacing her pen she leans back and smiles...
© Jane Ewen 2013