Saturday, 18 February 2012

I Want Tomorrow...

Take my hand, I will find a way... Come-on I know we can do this! (Jane Ewen)

When you see your world change and from all appearances it seems to have changed forever (not necessarily in a good way) ... What you really, really want, is for somebody to tell you kindly, what you need to do... Looking back, I feel so lucky to have always found, it's been the little things in life that have moved me to the point of learning something valuable. The big things, even if these were way out of my reach, have never made me unhappy... When one bares their soul and talks tentatively about a taboo subject... Well, I’m not sure how you’d feel, but in my world that points favourably towards a genuine person, a person whose determination is so strong, that it speaks volumes on how important it is for them to help others during their walk along this juddering path some of us call life.  
At this time in my life... I find my world full of uncertainty, danger and I further find that all stressful situations challenge me, to a much higher degree than I might normally feel... it’s led me to become, completely overwhelmed by immense fear, panic, anxiety and stress.

If I’m honest, looking further back I guess it all started as a child, through no fault of my own I unknowingly became institutionalised. I grew up allowing others to control me; I didn’t develop a voice until much later in life, and to this day I believe had I had my child sooner, I would have developed a strength in me that naturally occurs when you hold your baby for the first time. 
It pains me to share that I’ve sadly succumbed to depression... There it’s out!  In my once bouncy, magical world of love and happiness, I’ve gone to a place I knew existed, but quite rightly refused to visit... Now here in that dark, dreary hole of a world... for months I’ve felt alone, I’ve blocked everyone out who wanted to help... I’ve pretended everything’s alright; I’ve said everything’s fine, but even I couldn’t ignore uncharacteristic behaviour. Which, sadly manifested in not answering the phone, isolating myself to the point of not living?  Apart from being with immediate family, I’ve managed to turn into the most unsociable person, and one thing’s for sure, THIS is not me... I love life, I love people, and I love the differences amongst us.

I think others will recognise this next statement...  In my other world, depression is for weak people, weak people who can’t cope. It’s sad that their seen to be weaklings; but these people let every little, stressful, situation... attach itself to them... They sink. On my current journey, I see that, yes maybe there are weak people, but I’ve also discovered this weakness I’m personally experiencing, has come after years and years of showing a lionesses strength, by swallowing, putting up with and ignoring vital, important signals that I’ve consistently squished, squashed and pushed away. Worst of all ignored... Well the time has finally come, it’s payday within the psyche of Jane Ewen... I do wonder if this has now transpired, because I find myself surrounded by so many wonderful people, and maybe, just maybe I feel that now I feel safe it’s time to face my demons and clear issues old and new.  
Writing is everything to me... however, if you do me the honour of following, I am sure you will see the difference between the amount of writing that’s currently taking place, in comparison to what I use to do, then you may understand, that for me, I need a place that’s not overwhelmed by all of the above... Please dont misunderstand, to write, I don’t need to be happy, No, but I do need to be in a place that allows my mind, body and spirit, the joy of using my imagination to flow with creative juices, thus enabling me to  magically visualise what I need to say, then hopefully, write in such a way that I manage to take you there with me... Well that’s the intention.

I suppose you see, that I couldn’t go on like this... I needed to sort it, stand up and proactively work on a much needed solution... as you may be aware, over the past twelve months I’ve tried several things to try and aid my progression towards the path, a path back to the person I feel I use to be.
I had an appointment yesterday... An appointment that‘s quite possibly sparked me back on the road to recovery... some of you out there will know how debilitating this condition can be, and once a sufferer... it’s hard to focus or even concentrate. Sadly it usually brings other problems which are just further symptoms of suffering stress, or even feeling distressed...  which I feel I have been for a while. So if you read this and think me weak, I ask that you please don’t judge anyone until you’ve been in their shoes... I’ve been honest, already I feel better, because for me one of the important things in all of this, is the love of my family and friends and the next important thing is my honesty in opening up and finally, genuinely sharing just part way of how I feel...

Yesterday I also scarily recognised, that if people in my life knew how I really felt, it would frighten them... Acknowledgement and writing have already helped; I feel uplifted, and hopefully the old I will return, going on to cope just like I use to.
I ask that you don’t worry, just please know I’m getting there, because the most positive thing to date, is this... it seems once you suffer from depression, you lose the ability to plan for the future. I’m happy to report that thankfully that particular skill is returning, and already I’m visualising some very special plans.  

Please don’t forget... Stay Close!

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