Saturday, 19 November 2011

A Change of Heart...

Dedicated to my Sister and Brothers... In our early years we sadly missed out on so much, all of which was out of our control... in coming almost full circle I know individually we’ve  gathered life experiences separately... but, in becoming aware of all the info and clearly seeing history, I rejoice because it is us who really are the lucky ones! 
I realise some might not agree with my findings, but please remember I write from my own perspective...

I have learned that the happiness and wellbeing of others dictates I have to let certain, long standing issues go... I know till recently the biggest issue for most of my life is the fact I did not have a proper mother... Recently I made a decision that’s both shocked and surprised me, but I suppose what’s been instrumental in helping me make this long, overdue decision, is a number of things that I’d like to especially share with my siblings.
Recently I was sadly advised our biological mother had been struck with an awful degenerative disease Senile-Dementia...  I’m not sure if I can articulate or express how I feel into words.

My thoughts, my feelings and how I feel... when I was told I was strangely calm, yet I felt a penetrating sadness. If there’d been the slightest chance of proper closure then I knew it had transpired within the blink of my own heartbeat and mores’ to the point, disappointingly without our mother’s input. Due to her illness, I also grasped it would never happen due to what would be her dramatic loss of memory...  I felt for myself and my siblings... I also felt for her beautiful grandchildren. What a crying shame to leave this beautiful world neither knowing nor learning.   
My heart is heavy...  if there’d been any possibility of two hearts and minds triumphantly coming together to address the past, share history, discover the family I’d never known... Now it would be gone forever!

For seven days and seven nights I thought about what we’d lost as individuals and as a family... Then it hit me ~ whilst reading my Buddah teachings, listening to the sincerity of their wise words of wisdom, I knew with crystal precision which filled me with joy... I wanted to forgive the mother who’d never been a mother. For the first time ever I truly felt for a lost mother, who’d unfortunately never joyfully lived to know unconditional love and affection from her own beautiful children and grandchildren. 
From beyond the unknown, I was overwhelmed with the knowledge and a deep sense of the right thing to do.

All those years of wasted energy we’d both demonstrated by concentrating on pointless negativity, the blame, finger pointing... Yes I know stuff happened, hurtful, damaging stuff, which sadly ended in five children being taken into care. But, we were lucky, some kids don’t make it, some kids don’t even have food or water or a place to live.

For me the time is right to forgive. At last I’m ready to genuinely look towards my Mother, smile with no hatred hiding in my heart. I’d like to hold her hand look into her eyes and tell her honestly that I, her eldest daughter follow a different path, and I wish her nothing but happiness and peace of mind.

If I could accomplish this the joy would be mine and I would pray she would feel complete forgiveness to take with her to the next life, where hopefully she will become the best mother ever.

I’ve read ‘Senile Dementia’ is a cruel illness; I believe the blessing for my mother will be that she’ll stop feeling guilty and have no bad memories of any wrong doing, mistakes or lost children.  

There is no better feeling than the feeling of helping another living-being.

For so long I’ve felt bad and for good reason, but, the time has come to think differently and deal with certain situations if I’m to help support and apply positive effort for the best possible outcome.

As my journey continues, my wish is that no matter what, you'll stay with me! 



  1. oh wow im gobsmacked.... for 1 i didnt even know your mum had senile dementure sorry to hear that.... now i just hope you can go foward in your life with the knowing that you can get some sort of relationship with her take care lita xxx

  2. Hi Lita thanks for your welcome comment... just to let you know a relationship isn't what I seek, I am forgiving her. Due to her illness it would not be possible for her to have a relationship with a stranger. I wish her nothing but the best as I'm sure the rest of the family will do.

    Take care.

  3. First, my dearest friend, I am deeply saddened by the diagnosis for your mom. That is not an outcome we would wish on anyone in the world, as it is particularly cruel what it does to that person. Upon reading of your relationship with your mom, I have learned that you and I have something similar in common. Mine is with my dad, who effectively abandoned his three children and young wife and never has been accountable for those actions. Mind you, we were blessed to be wrapped in the love of our wonderful Mom and her side of the family. Indeed, that blessing gave us a firm foundation that I can't underscore enough. That being said, the relationship with my dad has been difficult - difficult to figure out, difficult to navigate, difficult, period. He is not someone I hold in any sort of regard, sadly. It took me many years to let go of anger and bitterness in relation to him, but like you, I finally have reached that place of acceptance. Cutting ties to negative emotions and memories is very freeing and is perhaps the biggest gift we can give ourselves - to love ourselves enough to do that very difficult act. I admire your strength, your bravery and honesty, Jane, along with your beautiful, caring heart.

    With love,


  4. I always love to see I've received a comment and Dawn when I read your beautiful words; I became misty eyed simply by knowing that you mean each and every letter. Some of us hold so much within; long ago I discovered that when we share, it becomes much more manageable. I am sorry you experienced a similar experience to me, but I suspect like me you eventually realised, it’s what we go through that strengthens our characters, helping to make us who we are today.

    I have come to know you as a beautiful bright light, a bright light I would never want to be without, always there, saying the right things, supportive and making me in-particular feel like family.

    I also celebrate, even at this late stage the fact I am able to forgive my mother, because once I had said it to myself I felt my world shift. I suppose I’ll always feel the sadness of never quite having had the mother I always wanted, but for me it’s enough that I became the mother I always dreamed of.

    Love you Sister Dawnie... Stay near!

  5. I am new to your blog and am so blessed to have been able to read this post. Just reading what I have read, I believe that you are one who truly GETS it! I believe that if we can get ourselves to that place of forgiveness and realizing that some of these extremely difficult things that we may have experienced in our lives have created us to become who we are today through strength and resilience.

    You are a great fantastic writer. Your testimony to life I believe is reaching others and helping them. You certainly brought me back to a few places in my life.


  6. Irish, I was so hoping you would return and it’s absolutely, fantastic to see you here again.

    I’m so happy you read this post; it’s particularly precious to me because it came from so deep within. Letting it go was such a big relief. In your response, you talk about resilience, I know as a child, due to where I came from and where I ended up, resilience was so terribly important. Without being too dramatic, it’s the thing that actually saves you, because for whatever reason as a child I was able to transport myself to another place when the going got tough.

    I hope my words, thoughts, feelings and experiences truly help others. This makes baring my soul so completely worthwhile. I honour your wonderful compliments, and have to say how very kind of you to say such beautiful things, as well as take time out to read my work... I’m truly grateful.

    Your thoughts have made me feel all nice and cosy inside.

    Kindest Regards
    Jane <3