The Voice...

 A voice tells the story of a moment that changed life, forever...

Looking over the wall was a nightmare but falling into the sea, her end. Surrounded by sharks and her siblings was more than she could take.

A dark sky witnesses huge waves crash against the crumbling brickwork of the highest wall that she'd ever seen, and as her Siblings sink into darkness, beneath the black ocean, she frantically grabs for them, trying her hardest to raise them up out of the water, and to push them up the wall so that onlookers can save them. As the sharks bite into her brothers and sister, blood fills her mouth, when she looks into the terrified eyes of her family... She screams, petrified. She knows she will be next, but if anything happens to her, they will all perish.

But...

nothing happened in the sea that night, or any other night because this particular child was recounting the nightmare of being taken in the middle of the night, by child protection, and medical professionals.

Every night for the longest time, she woke in a sweat, crying, heartbroken because of the same recurring nightmare. A trauma that would stay with her till the end.

Believe it or not it will all work out.

How?

One day, you'll be the adult, you'll make the choices, and it'll be up to you to do what's right, for you and those around you...

She lost her family, so what did she want?... she wanted a family, it was important. With that in her heart she made one, she worked towards it and made it happen. It didn't happen overnight. she worked on herself, and got re-educated and worked towards her dream.

It took a long time. But, it did happen.

'We are not what happens to us. We are who we are despite what happens'.

MJ

PS.

Just to be clear, being brought into the care-system was the best thing that happened to her.

Time For Reflection...

It's hard to believe my last post was the middle of December. Thank you so much for your messages. There's been a lot on my mind. 

I've been thinking about being real, and in studying that I knew it was time to reflect... let things go that weren't serving me, and make a conscious effort to be real. I discovered I was spending much to much time on social media and not accomplishing anything, wasting precious time, which I could use to be doing other meaningful things. It's so easy to get into the habit of wasting time, and it's strange because I can hardly believe how liberated I feel, knowing I can now take time out to do the things I felt I didn't have time for. 

There is a list of things to do. I have a project on the go that requires more research, so now I will focus and be able to continue writing with gusto... Once I have a new excerpt I shall blog again, and hopefully connect with like-minded followers.  Lets face it, most of what happens on Social Media, isn't real... I think once we connect with another who is 100% authentic, and feel the same vibe, its important to stay in-touch. There are not many genuine individuals out there who feel as we do.  

Signing off with love... 

MJ Ewen 

Forgiveness...

 

I will tell my story about what you did... it will emerge from a learned soul and penetrate even the coldest of hearts... you will see how your behaviour affected the innocent. It's my hope that you will understand and learn.

If you don't, it's because you don't want to. 

They think there are no consequences, but they live and die under false illusions. I smile, I know different, there are always consequences and the passage of time will make no difference.

If you do it, live it, and know it's wrong, then you will bear those consequences.

So for now I will write my learning, I'll speak my truth, and share all I know so that the unforgivable, and all of our stories will mount, and your understanding will continue. 

Whatever process you acquire, to learn, and understand when seeking out knowledge, or however you set your skills, values, and attitude... it must begin with a good heart, and for those of you who make the mistake of saying, but... I had a hard childhood, it happened to me, then my friend, you are the least excused, because you know more than most how it feels to be in that deep, dark, desperate hole...

If you read this and know you are guilty, then think and move forward in a way to work on yourself.  There's no excuse. The amount of information, the signposting to a better way, is visible in our invisible world. 

To those of you who ignore it all, and to those who walk through life not challenging the behaviour of those who are guilty,  you, are just as bad if not worse by allowing others to be harmed, it's not acceptable, and it's definitely not acceptable to turn a blind eye.

They say it takes a village to raise a child... well let me tell you this, I came from a large family,  they all turned a blind eye, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and unbelievably, Grandparents ... they all contributed to the neglect, the abuse, the lies, and the horrendous life we had to live before a neighbour intervened... You think children don't want to leave abusive Parents/family/carers... think again, my life started when I was taken. 

The stories, the messages, my thoughts will continue till I am no more... and my message to you out there, you who maybe suffering because of what you've been through... There is light, there is healing, sometimes there is no understanding but its not your fault, and you will learn to leave the blame where it belongs, even though right now you feel like you'll never be able to move on, trust me, you will.

Always remember that Forgiveness is for you, and helps you move on. In forgiving, it enables the bitterness to disappear from your life...   

MJ Ewen

Virginia...

 Let me introduce myself... 

My name is Virginia.

I have to say I have no idea why my parents called me Virginia. To me the name dictates a strong, brave women, who would intuitively protect those around her, and due to silly curiosity, I looked up its meaning... I was surprised to discover it meant, pure, virgin bride, and chaste... well I don't think so, how the hell do you think I cornered my victims? The only person I want to protect, is me... so for your own safety, if you're weak, and present as vulnerable, stay the hell away.    

I grew up amongst Monsters, and quickly Iearned how to stay safe. I figured out that if you scanned your surroundings then the feedback would infiltrate you, with the information you'd need... I learned so much, I had all the answers, which meant I'd always have my say, and being in control is paramount. 

I'm everybody's friend, until I'm not. 

It all started with pain, and then those damn voices came.

I quickly learned to achieve the skills I'd use to my advantage.  At a young age I became use to assessing, and reporting.  This was how I became able to design an internal pilot scheme, to get rid of certain individuals who I knew would become a drain in my world.

The scheme was specific and I followed my guidelines to the letter... anything else just wouldn't do. 

From an early age I sensed the stranger inside of me, the stranger whispered its lies, and told stories to claim victims. She was relentless, even I felt anxious of the lengths she would go to.

...Things happened to her, terrible things, things she doesn't ever want to discuss or think about. So, if you ever meet Virginia, for God's sake don't show any sensitivity or weakness, because, if it's one thing she detests, it's someone who may let her down... 

MJ Ewen 

The Gypsy...

Just imagine... 

your walking along the road to nowhere, you know somethings got to happen because your life's in the gutter, and, you also realise that If you disappeared right now, no one would miss you. You've accomplished nothing. Your thoughts and mood, have been dark for a long time. 

You look around but your vision is cloudy, you're walking, aimlessly. Then it starts snowing. Within a couple of minutes the snow begins to fall hard. You're not dressed for winter, you left the house in a hurry.  Music, you hear music. It's a Christmas Carol...  we wish you a merry Christmas... we wish you a merry Christmas...  its Christmas!  Is it really Christmas? her intuition tells her to follow the music.

In the distance the glow from fairy lights cuts through the haze of falling snow. There are voices, music, and laughter.  It's been so long since I laughed.  I wonder, could I do that again? ... Maybe not.  Since you left, the world's felt lonely, and the way you left confirmed my importance.  Since then, my time has been spent reevaluating who I am, my purpose, and where I'm going, or actually, do I want to be here? and like a recording, I'm stuck...  Death is final.  Its so inviting, but not to be taken lightly. I need to think everything through.  Mind you, its not like anyone will miss me, but have I finished, am I really done?

Gaiety is up ahead, the music sounds beautiful, but can I feel beauty, right now? So many questions, so much uncertainty. The music alters, it's gypsy music, violins, and fiddles, jig out the beautiful, and the dark, reminding me of how we use to dance. 

Wiping snow from my eyes, I'm startled as a tall lady steps out from in-front of her brightly coloured stall, 

"Hello my lovely, may I invite you into my space, I have a feeling you won't regret your visit"

Her dark curly hair, cascades down, despite being tied up in a bright turban scarf which holds golden coins that jiggle as she moves. Dressed like a Gypsy, her dark eyes softly stare. She's waits for an answer. 

What do I have to lose? I whisper to myself. Her patience is inspiring,  I know I'm supposed to answer, but this overwhelming, inadequate feeling, monopolises my mind.

"Come, let's talk, I sense you need a friend"

Feeling comfortable, I reach out to hold her hand. The Gypsy pulls me through her sequinned curtain, revealing the smallest room which is beautifully decorated. A tiny round table, two blue velvet covered chairs, shelves, that home books, trinkets and treasures. In the middle of the table sits the most exquisite, crystal snow globe, which rests on a intricate, gold stand, raising it from the linen it sits upon. My senses heighten, I smell delicious aromas, and essential oils.  

"Please, take a seat, let your experience begin" 

Sitting down, I'm unable to draw my eyes away from the globe, its light reflects silver, and golden specs of incredible light, whilst tiny flecks of snow, float around a scene I can't quite see...

The Gypsy settles herself, and asks,

"Shall we begin, my lovely?" 

MJ Ewen

Writers Are Never Alone...

If I can help you see that beautiful light within then my purpose has been exposed, find that light, and find your magic, because we all have it... 

MJ

Jumping off the stairs she lands on all fours and for a moment she resembles a monkey. In her crouched position she is paused... her mind is still, whilst her hair cascades across her face, but through the breaks, I see big grey, green eyes, and as her black lashes blink, robot like, she begins to stand.

It's been a while but another Character waits to enter The Loft... 

Leaning against the wall I relax into my folded arms.  I decide to wait for her to speak.  I'm usually the communicator, the one who draws them out of their shells, but I decide for this one I need to spend time observing, for future reference. 

There is something intriguing about her. The character seems familiar, but I'm sure I've never met her before. 

"May I speak?" She whispers,

"Of course"

"I'm lost, I don't know where I am" visibly, she shivers.

"This is The Loft, where people come to wait"

"Wait?" She queries

"Yes,  it's like a half way house, where you spend time before you're included into a writers world" and with that explanation out of the hat I smugly hug myself tighter, feeling secure that my explanation is enough. 

Silence... Confusion...

"Why would I come here to go into a story?  I don't understand,  I want to go home"

Flummoxed, I'm confused now...

"But you are home, anyone who lands here usually wants to stay,  although, I did once have a couple who decided to leave, however, it's highly unusual"

This will never do, I thought, sensing my own irritability...

"But I'm not a character to be placed into a book,  I'm me,  I just don't know where I came from, I feel so confused, but I know who I am, and I don't think I want to be inserted with words, in-between pages"

(Silence)

My mind works over-time, I'll have to let her work through this.

"My name's Mary, she offers, I'm a good person, I'm clever, I studied hard and have a degree in philosophy and English Literature. My life seems real hazy right now, and I feel fearful because my mind is overwhelmingly foggy about everything else"

"Its ok Mary, it'll all become clear, I promise... and being someone important in a writers mind isn't for everyone, sometimes it's something you'll grow into, sometimes it can be something you help your writer with, quite often writers need a helping hand to grow their characters, and that's where you'd be the perfect asset, I watch as her demeanour softens, you're going to love your new job, Mary, we can take it easy, and go at your pace, if it's not for you, then you can leave at any time, but usually, once here, you'll want to stay. The Loft is warm, inviting, interesting and that amazing degree you've worked hard for, it'll be helpful, because that means you're a communicator, and there are some characters in The Loft who definitely need help" with another warm smile, I wink in her direction. 

"I like to help, I love getting to know people and I especially like to understand others, hence my philosophy knowledge" she looks up towards the top of the winding stairs, where those double doors beckon to all of my clients, and the characters who nestle there know that at some point I'll need them. 

"Maybe I'll stop for a little while then, she looks at me and asks, what's your name?"

"It's Mary-Jane, but my friends call me MJ"

"Ah she cries, no wonder I've grown to like you, we share our first name"

"Why what's your second name" I ask,

And as I watch her face, I smile, knowing her realisation is but a word away... 

"My second name is, Jane" she splutters...

Sometimes you don't have to understand the way of the land, often times, acceptance is the key, but never think writers are lonely, because we're not...

MJ Ewen 

The Lake...

Detective Emily Crawford leans forward as she watches her diver disappear beneath the calm, shimmering lake. The only evidence that he'd been there, were his air bubbles. 

The call came in at 9:05am.

Sylvia's voice, shaky, dials the number for the police. She lowers herself behind a big oak tree... terrified, he mustn't see her. She whispers her information and the lakes terrible secret, into the mouth piece. The phone signal isn't that great, it cuts out... she hopes they've heard. and before she scampers away, she looks back across the lake and almost cries out, as she realises who it is. 

Sylvia had been walking, enjoying the early morning sun. Her binoculars pinpoint the woods, beautiful birds, who as usual, search frantically for food. Sylvia stops to look, as she hears the boat chugging its way towards the middle of the lake, nothing unusual about that except it stops, and the engine cuts-out. Peering through her binoculars, she watches as the hooded figure looks around, it takes a minute or so before he bends down to retrieve something from the floor of his boat.  

Her long black hair hangs over his arm.  He's strong, he holds her up high, kisses her, and then drops her into the lake, and he viciously pushes her under the water, she sinks immediately, which must mean she's weighed down. 

Sylvia, reaches home... and with a squeaky voice which sounds breathless, she explains she is scared, yet despite this she grips the phone tight. She's being questioned, and then she tells the lady Detective, that she knows who it is, she saw him clearly through her binoculars...

"Who is it?" The Detective asks, impatiently.

But before Sylvia answers, there's a hell of a bang, she screams into the phone... Emily Crawford, still on the line knows whoever is there with Sylvia, isn't paying a friendly visit. 

Sylvia, shouts,

 "It's you, oh my god, MICHAEL MORRISON" she screams in terror as the phone is knocked out of her hand. 

One blow to her small delicate head, is all it takes. 

and then silence... 

Detective Emily Crawford, listens further, Sylvia had gone quiet, but she hears whosoever's there pick up the phone, and she knows they're listening... Emily, switches off the call and quickly rings through for back up, advising, she'd be there as soon as she was through at the lake. 

Within minutes, Emily sees the diver beneath the lakes, murky water, he has a body in his arms...

MJ Ewen

Aleta...

The Loft is a place in my mind where my characters begin, 

and stay until they have a job... 

 

Glamorous, pink and fluffy, with lots of ding-a-ma-bling, startled, black eyebrows, 

false lashes, and lashings of blood red lipstick. Yeah you got it... I may have a little problem here.

She came with the loudest noise. I heard her before I saw her, and then I began to wish she wasn’t here. That’s how I felt when I caught sight of my latest Character, who had recently joined us at 'The Loft' in my mind...  Talk about flamboyant, loud and brash. She looks like she belongs on a float in a carnival, and here she is, ordering everyone around, as if she owns the place.  I ask her to be respectful of others, but my goodness the look she gave sent shivers down my spine, however, it did render her speechless, and I’m guessing that doesn’t  happen often.

I introduce myself, and ask her name... her response makes me smile. 
“They call me Aleta, she shouts"
On seeing my quizzical expression, her animated eyes roll to the back of her head, but  she carry's on regardless...

“Aleta, Aleta, Aleta, but here’s the funny part, it means, Truthful... Mythological Goddess of Truth, but listen hunny-bunny, and you take it from me, I aint that” she huffs and chuffs... throws her head back, laughing like a crazed hyena. I thought, Oh my lord, what the heck am I going to do with this one?

Looking up to the double doors of the loft, I see a few characters smile peevishly, as they close the doors, quietly.. 

Oh no, they obviously don't want her in... I think I feel a tantrum coming.  

~MJ Ewen~

(A re-edit from 2014) Image from Pinterest 

Lets all Be Kind...

 

I live for the moments I can put Magic into my words.... 

Whilst watching TV today, I was reminded of the Be Kind Campaign.

My heart went out to the mum's who'd lost their children to suicide, and how their deaths were due to being relentlessly bullied in school... by their peers.  Young people, who were just like them, and who continued to hurt these beautiful souls. 

I was also bullied as a child,  and not just in school.  I would leave an abusive home and vomit on my way to school, because I was fearful of the constant barrage of abuse in all of my locations.  

Physical, and mental. 

I'm older now, and often wonder how I recovered...

Thankfully I was removed from the abuse, and it was said I survived because somehow I became resilient, and able to distance myself. I was one of the lucky ones, and healed. But, its super important for us all to be good role-models, and show our babies, and our young people that being kind, gentle, and compassionate, is the only way to be. It's also true that being kind is much better for us and our own well-being, than it is to be unkind, and nasty. 

Do not be responsible for hurting hearts and souls, or for making others feel like they don't want to be here... we're all connected, we just need to remember that we really do rise when we lift others.

for those of us following the Be Kind Movement...

Be Kind was established in 2015 with the aim of celebrating and amplifying the power of kindness through education. Our passion lies in developing emotional intelligence (EQ) skills using the medium of film to influence, impact and embed 10 values of kindness in children and young people.

https://www.bekindmovement.co.uk/ 

MJ Ewen

Halloween Magic...

 

He thought he'd got away... 

He'd called me strange, told me I was weird, and that nobody would want me... but, he was wrong, and eventually he would see how wrong he'd been. 

Time is of the essence, and your essence will be mine.

There are certain things that don't come easy, and Patience is one of them, but it is written that I have to wait, Why? because there is distinct detail in the small print, and today is the day I Grow into my Magic. It's the time for those little finalities which are needed to seal deals. Halloween is my time to initiate the start of getting what I want. And, what I must have... is him. 

Wait, watch, and weep...

Let my magic begin. 

MJ Ewen 

Invisible...

 A day for turning the invisible into reality... come on, we've got this!

Invisibility isn't always a choice, sometimes it's thrust upon us... but, not in her case.

She wants invisibility. She's craved it for as long as she can remember.  She needs to melt into the background. Her intentions, never honourable, her mindset itched, and irritated the whole of her being. Her hands commit the most heinous crimes... her brain invents them. Come hurry, she has things to do.

Invisibility is perfect for her.

The problem is... the things she does are not good, they're bad... real bad.  She needs an invisible veil to hide behind because nobody, and I mean nobody, must see what she gets up to.

Do not put yourself on her radar... never initiate eye contact, keep your distance and definitely, never, ever, smile in her direction. 

MJ Ewen

The Bridge...

There is a bridge.... You know the one.

In its width, it holds 3 narrow planks. In its length, lies forever. To walk on it you have to hold on to the sides because if you don't, you'll fall.  It's shaky. It's dangerous.  But my love, you like danger, you live a dangerous life, don't you?  The bridge is in the contract... its ok, don't look so concerned, just know it requires me to cross with you.  

I'm a good person but you drained me. 
I wanted nothing but the best for you, for me, for us. 

Your life wasn't what I thought it would be. So whilst we wait for the inevitable, please tell me why you loved me so hard, or at least why you pretended to love me? 

You took everything. 

I'm a shell of the woman you met. 

You stole my kindness, my goodness, my heart, and my life. 

But listen to this you heartless, despicable excuse for a human-being,  I'm going to make sure you never do to anyone else what you did to me.  You'll never love another,  you won't ever be able to pretend to love. You'll never live that life. I'm going to kill everything about you. You think you've eliminated me, but all you did was start a process as you disposed off my body.  I laugh, because all along you had no idea what you were dealing with. It's people like you who need teaching a lesson, and once I knew what you were up-to, I made a pact. 

Oh how my heart died a thousand times, as I fought off your dirty intentions. You'll never know the love you could have received.

It's a shame, but I'm going to kill you.

With your death a light will ignite. It will right the wrongs you did to me, and the world... so you see, there really are good people. We have our own laws and they correspond to all that's right.

Come nearer... no closer, I need you to see me.  Come see what you've turned me into, here, in this seedy world of your darkness... you stripped me bare.  A lovely girl who was already battered and bruised... a girl who dreamed of her forever love. 

Did it feel good when you defiled me, and when you throttled me after, did that help? and when you cut me, did that do something for you that no one else could? 

My god, I couldn't believe it when the the world lit up as the blood drained from my body... it was warm, sweet and sticky, the light grew brighter, but as the door you unlatched to my soul flew open, out I strode.

You were too busy dissecting other parts of me to know I stood right behind you, watching, waiting.   

Tears escaped for the beautiful girl you killed,  but no worries as my smile widened for the creature you borned. You had no idea what you'd done... I knew you would never be rid of me, you'd beg, and plead, but it would never matter... I was yours now, for all eternity, our contract, signed... this was the punishment for your repeated, horrendous crimes. 

The incredible thing is, you were dying before I'd even done the deed.

MJ Ewen 

mage from Pinterest

 

Destiny Calls...

 

The last sound I heard were my screams... ... ... ...

I've been waiting... sometimes you have to wait, watch, and believe. 

You made a promise, so now you must keep it.  

A sharp intake of breath made his body stiffen. Tilting his handsome head, he asked,

"Do I know you?"

"You do, I said, we met a thousand years ago and I told you, we'd meet again"

gazing into my eyes he moves closer...

I knew he loved my answer,  I had him. Yes. Hook, line and sinker. I allowed my arms to rest loosely by my side, I luxuriated in the silence and waited for my prize. 

Wetting his lips, his desire emanated.

There are moments in life when we take opportunities which present themselves. This was one of those moments... I loved that I knew what was happening. The alarming thing is he didn't know me, but I knew him. I'd know him anywhere. 

Destiny beckons.. and I am it's willing victim. An adventure's about to begin. I open my arms out wide to welcome him in.  

MJ Ewen

 

The Book-Corner...

 The Book-Corner...

The quaint little bookshop which unapologetically, spread over a whole corner, smelled of paper, ink, creamy coffee, and vanilla sponge. The door to this delightful building, made a high-pitched tinkle sound, whenever a customer walked in. Her old walls reeked of history, and its windows had witnessed many stories. 

The owner, a beautiful soul... whose special, exquisiteness, is timeless. 

Her extraordinary story was being put together in a special project, and she was right in the middle of it's management.  Her knowledge of books, writers and publishers, is astounding.  Her monthly meetings that help motivate, and encourage editors to congregate around her brass, polished tables, make her smile. Ideas bounce around waiting for input.  She's generous by nature and patient by choice... Places she's been, and characters she's met, have all played a part in her world of words. 

Almost everyone who walks through those bookshop doors, brings a wealth of knowledge which their usually willing to share... but those that don't, well, they have a rather different story to tell. 

"If I take my pen and write my story, will you grace me with your presence?"

MJ Ewen

Image from Pinterest. 

Find Me...

Image shared from Pinterest 

She's tiny, a frail looking child who will tell you she's a woman, and unfortunately she behaves like one. except for when she remembers. When she remembers, the veil drops and she disappears.  

Her whisper came through gritted teeth... I live in my minds eye and I'll stay here until it's safe to come out. 

Why is it not safe?

Because his hand is firmly fixed on the back of my neck, he's waiting until I emerge, then he'll kill me. 

I don't see anybody.

He's a shadow...

I still don't see.

He's an invisible shadow, he's been attached to me for most of my life.

Does he have a name?

Yes, he's called Daddy.

Your father wants to kill you?

Yes.

How about we work on getting your father to let go?

He won't, he told me that would never happen.

People say things, they change their minds and things happen to reflect that change, shall we at least have a go?

Her eyes dart to the furthest corner of the room, her voice cracks.

No, I'm scared, I don't want to die.  

MJ Ewen 

What About Connection...

Image Shared from Pinterest

'Talking out loud often brings results' 

As for me, I liken myself to an in-betweener... I'm not an Author, or even a well-known Writer, I didn't receive a good education, and from the moment I was born, childhood was challenging. Most of what I know is self taught, but, I do have a dream. However, from my experience, unless you're a celebrity or a well known writer, it doesn't seem to matter if your on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, a Blogger, or you're putting the time in, sharing yourself and work etc, it doesn't always bring in new followers, interesting comments, ideas, or increase communication. I do wonder if its' because I'm not paying to get myself out there... or because I don’t pay to increase followers.  Could my posts be hidden, or is it that others are not interested?  And, if you do pay for followers, are they real? 

You can't buy Authenticity. 

Genuine posts from the heart are wonderful, sharing yourself is great, but if I'm honest and I cant be alone in this, quite often it feels as if I'm talking to myself. 

I'm not well published, but I am working on a couple of long term projects, I follow and engage with others, and I always try to keep things up to date. Despite all of the above I'm in it for the long haul, those of you who know what I'm talking about, know that it's something inside that's almost impossible to describe.  Even if I've got what it takes, or not, I simply must write.

There has to be a secret to improve ones communication skills, so if I am missing something out, honestly, I would be grateful for a thumbs up, and I promise to follow constructive advice. Writing is a thing I love doing alone, however, its nice to share snippets. 

Opinions, advice and support, really do matter. I don't just want to write, I want to connect.  

There are times we want answers, and other times we don't... Maybe on this occasion I shouldn't hold my breath.

Until next time!

MJ Ewen