Franz Kafka...

Had I wrote so much earlier...  I know as if by magic, I would have deepened the noise in my head and embraced the senses I was born with.... Author Jane Ewen

I tell myself it’s quite important to regularly find out something new and interesting about our literary world. Today I read something that would be one of my worst nightmares. (Metamorphosis)

I learned about a guy called Franz Kafka Born: 3/07/1883 ~ Died: 3/06/1924 age 40years, 11months the eldest of six children. He died from starvation; sadly he was reported to have an eating disorder as well as tuberculosis.  It’s reported that Kafka’s writing didn’t really attract much attention until after his death.  On his death he’d requested that his literary friend destroy all his written work, diaries, notebooks, letters and documents. This request was ignored and although frustratingly there was no order to Kafka’s works because quite often he would start writing in the middle of a note book, they were published.  http://www.kafka-franz.com/kafka-Biography.htm

One of his earlier works a novella called http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Metamorphosis was published in 1915. It begins with a traveling salesman, Gregor Samsa, waking to find himself transformed into a monstrous insect-like creature. It’s interesting and worth noting that the characters in The Metamorphosis appear to be based on himself and family...

When I read that he’d written a letter to his father in response to his father asking why he was always so afraid of him, I was amazed to see that there were 103 pages which Franz wrote to his emotionally abusive father... It reminded me of the letter I wrote to my mother, and I recall thinking, I sincerely hope he got the healing closure that so many of us need when we’ve been treated badly... without thought or love, made to feel totally inadequate, unlovable and uncertain. It seriously damages children so much, and takes years to come to terms with, that’s if we ever do... Instantly I felt a connection to Franz.  http://www.kafka-franz.com/KAFKA-letter.htm

"The tremendous world I have inside my head. But how (to) free myself and free it without being torn to pieces. And a thousand times (I’d) rather be torn to pieces than retain it in me or bury it. That indeed, is why I am here, that is quite clear to me." ( F. Kafka Quote )

The people who are no longer here on our beautiful planet and the ones I’d really like to meet... I have to say I think, Franz Kafka would definitely be on my too-meet  list.

The Letter...

A young girl is viciously murdered by a serial killer, and whilst like a depraved animal he roughly drags away her lifeless body, he then involuntarily drops her in shock, as he feels brute force pull her away from his grasp...

On the other side of beyond, she sits like a ragdoll in a daze as two of heavens watchers approach her. They introduce her to some special news ~ she’s to write a ‘letter from heaven’. They then tell her she is going to be allowed a visitation and whilst gathering all this information to the front of her mind, she knows the hardest part for her, is going to be seeing her parents and siblings, suffer the devastating effects of being told their daughter is dead... The story unfolds through the eyes of an innocent girl’s journey. She knows she’s being given a golden opportunity, so needs to write words of comfort, with exact tone, to help her grieving family come to terms and hopefully make sense of a senseless act of inhumanity...  

I’ve been softly advised that the very moment I open my eyes I’ll see my mother, It’s also been explained, that unfortunately she will be extremely sad, and worse still, won’t be able to see me.

So for what seems like an eternity, I stand in the same spot with eyes closed, too terrified to move a muscle ... The whole of my being screams silently into the darkness. I very much want to see, however, I know seeing my mother won’t fix the world, squeezing my eyes tighter, I feel huge tears slide out from between closed eyelashes; escaping quickly they cascade like a waterfall. As I fully open damp eyes, there she sits on her sofa, crying big deep, harsh, guttural sobs from utter despair. My heart thumps to witness her agony, but what hurts more is I know the situation will disintegrate completely, once my family know what’s really happened. It’s as if for now, time stands still... Sitting there in her own stillness, I’m so sensitively aware she’s unknowing and completely oblivious to my plight, she isn’t aware that I’m dead... In her world I’m missing, but quite shockingly I’ve passed over, and for now my family think I’m simply missing.

(3 hours previously)

I’m reeling from the shock of landing so suddenly slap/bang in a new world...

You can imagine how overwhelmingly confused I am.   Once here, I meet two people who introduce themselves as Watchers, Mary and Dylan. Taking in the new occupants, I can’t help but sense a fine vibration of the most beautiful musical sound; I’ve ever heard softly playing in the background. The background is a pulsating colour of cream ’n’ lemon. I can’t see anything specific, all I feel is a hazy, comfortable warmth, and all I see in this creamy lemon new world, is grey like shadows, as if I’m being observed, but strangely I don’t make out any other figures.

Mary looks comforting though, like she’s someone’s mum; her reassuring manner immediately puts me at ease. She confirms what’s happened to me. Miserably I whisper how much I wish I’d listened to my mum’s advice. Dylan, who looked like a clean cut, boy band member, quickly advises... even if you’d done that, it would not have made any difference at all, it would simply have taken longer in terms of time.

Sitting under the gaze of what seems like two very nice people, my heart instinctively realises taking the short cut through such a badly lit, remote place was a crazy, stupid thing to do.  

I heard his footsteps, I saw his shadow, but horrendously he was on me before I knew what was happening. When I fell forward my head hit a large rock; initially I was thankfully knocked out, so didn’t witness or feel the appalling things he carried out... I recall briefly coming around, and felt pressure on top of me, my eyes opened which I know must have startled him; he obviously thought I was already dead. For a split second I remember the gut wrenching horror of it all, and then as his right arm cruelly slam’s down into my already broken head, it’s over, I am gone, finished, kaput...  

Breaking into this mind-blowing moment, Mary’s maternal hand reached out, she tells me not to dwell on what’s happened. She further says, this is the way it’s meant to be, and the reason will become clear. Dylan smiles, comments on my bravery, and then grandly proclaims, the good news is...  for the first time ever, ever, ever  you are going to be allowed to return home, to see your mother, and during that short time, you’ll get the opportunity to write a letter... The letter will be marked,  ‘A Letter From Heaven’  We’ve been told you can write whatever you want, and this will be a first important step that will give you and your family closure to the horrific way you left your earth family. It will also give your mother and family much needed reassurance.  

(3 hours later)

Unable to move, I stand still for what seems like forever.  Magically I’m surrounded by all that use to be so familiar. The distressing sounds of my mother’s tears break my heart, but I know I have to use this golden opportunity to the best of my ability. I couldn’t help but wonder why of all people they chose little old me to send this very special letter from heaven. I’m thankful, and know clearly I have to get this right.

Yes of course I’m sad my life’s been cut short, after all I’m only 16 years old, but it’s strange, don’t ask me how I know, but I know the person responsible will get caught, he won’t hurt another living being, because during his captivity, something accidental is going to happen, and he’ll no longer be in the land of the living. All my knowledge, my senses tumble in on me... this is truly unbelievable, but I know this is my fate, my end, my beginning and yes even my future.  

Tentative, I step towards my mother; I watch has she seemingly stirs to my presence, it’s then I hear the front door.  My father, looks as if his life-force has been mechanically drained from him, he shuffles in flanked by three ashen faced police officers.

Don’t ask me why, but I start to count... One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, sixth sense advices me to leave the room. Back pressed firmly against the lounge door, I shake as I hear my mother scream. Deep breath, I need to be mindful of time and the task in hand.

In my room I sit with hands and face pressed gently against an ageless desk... whilst feeling the coolness from its wood, I sense almost overwhelming, horrifying details of my demise, as they’re being given to my parents. I hear the front door go again; in rush my brothers and then, an appalling slice of silence like crushed ice embraces the property.

Sitting still, tightly grasping heaven’s silver pen between my fingers, I start my letter.

To my beautiful family,

When you read this, I know you won’t be able to comprehend the thought, that for us the impossible has happened. I’m still in shock myself, but sadly I know you won’t be able to confirm with me, how it’s been made amazingly possible for me to communicate with you from beyond this life. Despite the unimaginable, I’m sat in my room composing this lifeline of a letter, whilst you’re all downstairs being given the terrible news that I’ve been horrifically taken away from you.

Mum please forgive me, I’m so sorry I went home that way after drama class ,I know you always tell me the right thing to do, how I wish with all my heart I’d listened... The people I’ve met on the other side, tell me, even if I‘d listened, my end would have happened at some point... it seems we all have a time, and a place... Mine’s up, I’m needed elsewhere. 

The purpose to this letter is to assist us all if possible and help us come to terms with what’s happened... for me its proof of what I always suspected but never knew for sure... I’ll miss you all so much; my heart is breaking because I can still hear your cries. I need to share with you that my passing over was quick; I didn’t feel anything, except the pain of knowing I’d never be with you again.

Please do not waste any time going over the worry of what ‘s‘ happened, I am ok, and even though I don’t want to leave you, I am ready to move forward to see what heaven has in store for me... I met a lady called Mary, she told me it will all become clear, mum, dad it already has, I know life is for living, it’s also for learning and with you as my family, I’ve been blessed to learn lots... I will leave you with this, the person who hurt me, won’t hurt anyone else. You will all be ok and mum, you were the best mum ever, I don’t want any of you to worry, and if you do, you will only end up holding me back. Please take are and remember always how much I love you all. I have to go now Mary and Dylan have come; your cries are subsiding so I feel I can leave... Thank you for everything especially your love, I will take that to heaven with me and treasure it always.

If you want me just call, if I can, I will turn back just so I can let you know I am well. Please mum, don’t cry, you know I get upset when you do.
One last thing, Dylan is telling me, when you read this it will bring you both a mixture of peace and joy, if you show anyone else , all they’ll see, are empty pages.... that’s the beauty of heaven, it’s magical.  

Love you Mum and Dad, Love you Gary an Ian ... One last thing mum, Mary just told me your going to have another baby, a girl ... Wow, I really must come back for that.
                xxxx

I re-read  to ensure I’d told them everything... my heart is full, I'm warm. Mary and Dylan stand quite close. I Smile.

"Thank you for giving me this wonderful opportunity"

I take my letter, I repeatedly kiss the kisses... I breathe in my lasting words, words and thoughts my family will get to read and hopefully understand.   I feel an enormous pull on not wanting to leave, and whilst I promise myself never to forget this moment, I lay the letter flat on my dressing table... Silence permeates my room.

“May I say goodbye?”

Smiles widen in acknowledgement.

I leave to say a final farewell, and for the first time I get a real sense of what I’m actually preparing to do. Stepping into the familiar lounge I see a sight that I know will never leave me, all my family lovingly huddled together in a tight group... 

Mary and Dylan take a hand each, and as we move towards the next world,

I tearfully whisper... Goodbye.

A Kiss from my Rose...

I know I heard this song for the very first time today...... yet, I have known this song and her voice all of my life. Flashbacks grab me as I witness a frightened me, a scared myself and a terrified I.

I’m five years old, standing on the busiest motorway of life... lyrical notes crash to my core like a vehicle smashing into me at a million miles an hour...but, instead of being killed, I sense complete serenity when hit so violently... A hit that's totally mingled with the beauty of her voice, whom I instantly realise is my imaginary mother... and while the real mother looks down at me and scowls disgustedly... my  imaginary mother is always ready to take over, reassuring me that everything's going to be ok, I'm going to be ok... I infinitely know as long as I can hear her voice, feel her music, sense her warm presence, I will never have to be afraid, because the one good thing I'm always very clever at, is closing my eyes... Flashbacks in the present still happen, not as often, but despite never having had this particular one before, I was able to close my eyes and not feel the normal overwhelming, panicky fear... even now, music, scents, experiences bring them all to the fore, sometimes they are pleasant, sometimes they are not... Today’s been heavenly despite the reminder that my real mother had her own problems, and in spite of her having so many children, this unfortunately did not bring her peace or happiness ... I’ve listened to the music several times and memorised its beautiful haunting melody, especially the angelic voice that saved me all those years ago.. It just goes to show, children quite often, are magically resilient, they willingly engulf themselves into a world that others cannot see...  It's a world seldom spoke about, due to the nature or reason the child lives trapped within both spheres... Even to an innocent child, her realistic world is not acceptable, but because it’s the only world she knows, she lives anxiously within, creating a whole new world that for her happens just as realistically as her everyday challenging one....

Today I give thanks and am grateful for my imaginary mother, who came to me in what was at times, my most horrendous hours of need... and for the first time in a long time, I heard her voice, was embraced by her heavenly music and despite all of previous difficulties, I felt a definite warmth from my past.

I believe there is a god, he assists us... he makes things possible and allows things to happen... he is clever, there are lessons within all of this... but it’s not a test, it’s a path... our path, our journey, our joy, our pain... It makes us who we are, and it’s who we are, that has an amazing impact on the world, people, and every single living being...  my real journey started in 2009 and my wish is this... 'long may I walk for I know my lesson is not over'  

I have never been one to want to be on my own, so please, won’t you stay with me!

National Butchers Week...

Award Winning Butcher launches educational visits to Blackburn Market

Courtesy of www.blackburnlife.com
Who's consistant support is always very much appreciated! What a brilliant week we're going to have. ~ 25th - 31st March. Come on Support your local butcher!

LIEBSTER Award...

I still can’t believe I’ve won an award: The ‘Liebster Award’ has been awarded to me by my gorgeous friend Irish… http://irishpenn.blogspot.com/  When I opened my email, I knew I was completely overwhelmed because after reading the good news for the tenth time, the penny finally dropped. I’m lifted and truthfully grateful.  Knowing my words mean something to someone is truly an honor.

For those of you who are not familiar what the word Liebster, it is of German origin and means “Favorite, beloved, dearest” 

The honor of accepting the award is traditionally done in the following way:

1. Show thanks to the blogger who awarded you by linking back to their blog.
2. Pick 5 blogs with less than 200 followers and let them know about your nomination by leaving a comment on their blog
3. Post the award on your blog!

Irish, I send my gratitude to you dear friend. I am delightfully happy to be able to pass along the love to these lovely, deserving people:

http://gilmorehousebb.blogspot.com/   ~ One of my absolute, favourite bloggers:  A blogger who distributes random ramblings of what’s going on at their B&B. This is a wonderful blog which is so interesting to me, because this is one of my dreams... I’m determined to one day own a B&B with an attached cafe by the sea... I love people and I feel this is going to be the ideal way to connect.

http://ravenmyth.blogspot.com/   ~ The moment I connected with Leanne, who is also a medium clairvoyant, I felt the strongest pull... On my road to find answers, this lady answered some... her blog is interesting, pulling you in to the point that when you look at the time, your mind wonders where the heck it went!

http://widowlady302.blogspot.com/  ~ Lisa writes her blog with the most amazing thought and compassion, her experiences are overwhelmingly familiar and bring comfort to me and everyone she touches... her beautiful compassionate words strike a chord within us all. I wouldn’t miss Lisa’s thoughts and writing for anything.

http://eatingliferaw.blogspot.com/   ~ Lisa writes one of the most wonderful, thought provoking blogs. ‘Eating Life Raw’ is very close to my heart... Her words always seem to penetrate my spirit, and her thoughts join to show me this lady has a beautiful soul. Lovely Lisa, says it has she sees it and along with her genuineness, I am truthfully grateful to have connected with her not just in the blogging world, but on other networks too. 

http://paulinembarclay.blogspot.com/ Scribbles... Last but definitely not least... Pauline Barclay, a fab lady who lives on one of the beautiful Canary Islands.  This gorgeous lady shares the beauty of that island, as well as her experience as a wonderful writer. Her blog is so superb, with interesting pictures, reviews and her consistent generosity at promoting other writers etc. 

Promoting these Blogs has been a great experience... Pass it on!  

World Bloggers Community...

http://worldbloggerscommunity.ning.com/profile/JaneEwen

What's Happening Today?

Today I'm learning to face my fears.....

Marcus Aurelius:

“If you are distressed by anything external,
the pain is not due to the thing itself,
but to your estimate of it;
and THIS you have the POWER to revoke at any moment“.

 I heard somewhere, ‘you gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do’ ~ I need to do this, so today I make a start on facing my fear….

Namaste

I Want Tomorrow...

Take my hand, I will find a way... Come-on I know we can do this! (Jane Ewen)

When you see your world change and from all appearances it seems to have changed forever (not necessarily in a good way) ... What you really, really want, is for somebody to tell you kindly, what you need to do... Looking back, I feel so lucky to have always found, it's been the little things in life that have moved me to the point of learning something valuable. The big things, even if these were way out of my reach, have never made me unhappy... When one bares their soul and talks tentatively about a taboo subject... Well, I’m not sure how you’d feel, but in my world that points favourably towards a genuine person, a person whose determination is so strong, that it speaks volumes on how important it is for them to help others during their walk along this juddering path some of us call life.  

At this time in my life... I find my world full of uncertainty, danger and I further find that all stressful situations challenge me, to a much higher degree than I might normally feel... it’s led me to become, completely overwhelmed by immense fear, panic, anxiety and stress.

If I’m honest, looking further back I guess it all started as a child, through no fault of my own I unknowingly became institutionalised. I grew up allowing others to control me; I didn’t develop a voice until much later in life, and to this day I believe had I had my child sooner, I would have developed a strength in me that naturally occurs when you hold your baby for the first time. 

It pains me to share that I’ve sadly succumbed to depression... There it’s out!  In my once bouncy, magical world of love and happiness, I’ve gone to a place I knew existed, but quite rightly refused to visit... Now here in that dark, dreary hole of a world... for months I’ve felt alone, I’ve blocked everyone out who wanted to help... I’ve pretended everything’s alright; I’ve said everything’s fine, but even I couldn’t ignore uncharacteristic behaviour. Which, sadly manifested in not answering the phone, isolating myself to the point of not living?  Apart from being with immediate family, I’ve managed to turn into the most unsociable person, and one thing’s for sure, THIS is not me... I love life, I love people, and I love the differences amongst us.

I think others will recognise this next statement...  In my other world, depression is for weak people, weak people who can’t cope. It’s sad that their seen to be weaklings; but these people let every little, stressful, situation... attach itself to them... They sink. On my current journey, I see that, yes maybe there are weak people, but I’ve also discovered this weakness I’m personally experiencing, has come after years and years of showing a lionesses strength, by swallowing, putting up with and ignoring vital, important signals that I’ve consistently squished, squashed and pushed away. Worst of all ignored... Well the time has finally come, it’s payday within the psyche of Jane Ewen... I do wonder if this has now transpired, because I find myself surrounded by so many wonderful people, and maybe, just maybe I feel that now I feel safe it’s time to face my demons and clear issues old and new.  

Writing is everything to me... however, if you do me the honour of following, I am sure you will see the difference between the amount of writing that’s currently taking place, in comparison to what I use to do, then you may understand, that for me, I need a place that’s not overwhelmed by all of the above... Please dont misunderstand, to write, I don’t need to be happy, No, but I do need to be in a place that allows my mind, body and spirit, the joy of using my imagination to flow with creative juices, thus enabling me to  magically visualise what I need to say, then hopefully, write in such a way that I manage to take you there with me... Well that’s the intention.

I suppose you see, that I couldn’t go on like this... I needed to sort it, stand up and proactively work on a much needed solution... as you may be aware, over the past twelve months I’ve tried several things to try and aid my progression towards the path, a path back to the person I feel I use to be.

I had an appointment yesterday... An appointment that‘s quite possibly sparked me back on the road to recovery... some of you out there will know how debilitating this condition can be, and once a sufferer... it’s hard to focus or even concentrate. Sadly it usually brings other problems which are just further symptoms of suffering stress, or even feeling distressed...  which I feel I have been for a while. So if you read this and think me weak, I ask that you please don’t judge anyone until you’ve been in their shoes... I’ve been honest, already I feel better, because for me one of the important things in all of this, is the love of my family and friends and the next important thing is my honesty in opening up and finally, genuinely sharing just part way of how I feel...

Yesterday I also scarily recognised, that if people in my life knew how I really felt, it would frighten them... Acknowledgement and writing have already helped; I feel uplifted, and hopefully the old I will return, going on to cope just like I use to.

I ask that you don’t worry, just please know I’m getting there, because the most positive thing to date, is this... it seems once you suffer from depression, you lose the ability to plan for the future. I’m happy to report that thankfully that particular skill is returning, and already I’m visualising some very special plans.  

Please don’t forget... Stay Close!

Thoughts for today...

Learn... Grow... Transform... We are all different... For me, it’s so incredibly important to be able to understand everything, including myself... It’s so important to know where I’ve come from and very importantly, where I’m going... With all that knowledge, I will feel safe knowing I’m doing my very best to embrace all that I am, and all that I will become.

Very strange day with a real sense of everything becoming extremely profound, probably due to how I’m feeling... (Neither up nor down) just balanced (for once) they do say that sometimes, thoughts and things, brings a certain equilibrium to the melting pot. The deeper I become, the more I sense those thoughts clearly ... But, for once, I’d like to keep my thoughts focused on a much calmer, more light hearted approach to how I feel...  

Errmmm... (I smile) wondering, is that at all possible? ~ I’m not sure, come on let’s see, I do promise you that I’ll try!   

Today two thoughts have figured strongly on what I see as my road to recovery... The first  for some strange reaso, is that I’ve been remembering people who’ve figured very strongly in my life... particularly, people who are no longer around, they were here, but now they’ve gone... I'll add hastily... not necessarily to the other side!  ;-) I don’t mind sharing with you that some of those people I truly loved, but I sit here content in the strong belief that they loved me just as much, and I wonder if thoughts on them today have been more a thread of wishful thinking, in terms of wishing they were still around. I suppose this has a lot to do with what I’m going through, however, I'm not saying I’m unhappy with the people who are in my life at present... not at all... just thoughts tumbling around whilst I speak out loud... which by the way I think I’m getting pretty good at, and funnily enough, these tumbling thoughts magically enable me to heal little ~ by little...  

This brings me to the second part of those thoughts... the reflection, that we should never be too quick to discount the effect that those around have on us, our time and our space...  this also has to include the impact that our own presence has on the lives of those around us. Sometimes I physically shudder when I suddenly see the whole picture... but on this occasion I gladly observe that even the person who sits in the corner unable to take part for whatever reason, even they have an effect on people in the room...  We all encompass the potential to have an immense impact on other people... So I never personally take it for granted that the person who walks into my life, won’t be important... hence the picture and statement above...

'When the student is ready ~ the teacher will appear’

To me this means... to be taught, one has to be ready to receive necessary information... if you’re ready, then doors will be open to acceptance, learning and very importantly understanding.

Today I spent quite some time thinking about what had gone before, and what it meant to me... Tomorrow I pray that my heart will no longer hang on to closed doors and ghostly images. I will be encouraged to let go gently, so that beautiful memories will help and be instrumental when I step closer to a bright future...  

Before I close, I’d like to take this wonderful opportunity to count all previous relationships and people as blessings, and then further wish those that are no longer in my life the very best of love, happiness and peace... Then looking out to all of you who are still in my life, I’d like to pray in wander and say ‘I love you all and I am so truthfully thankful that you are still with me’

Namaste.....

Wishes...

These thoughts are written from a pure heart and spoken with a deep love wrapped up in affection, directed towards every single, living being...  If your out there and receptive, wanting to learn without making the same mistakes I made, then read and learn, but also appreciate I realise everyone has to make their own mistakes, I grew up believing this to be so... but today I want to say... ok, go make your mistakes, but if its a mistake that I can point out for you to avoid simply because it involves family and friends, then I am sure you might listen... Even so, I'll continue knowing the choice will still be yours!

If you’re still there my friend and having a bad time, take it from me, don’t waste time on the He said, she said, He did, she did, syndrome... Too many years are wasted and can never be retrieved ... which unfortunately I’ve found to my cost, ultimately making me feel very sad... When we’re young we feel infallible... I did, I thought I’d never age; I very rarely looked at the bigger picture or to any insensitivity or my selfishness or even a lack of thought... I never actually sat down and thought about the effect my decisions would have on others, well not long term anyway... Don’t worry I’m not beating myself up, just thinking out loud! At present I see so clearly, it's as if a veil's been lifted and for me right now, I super sense if I’m able to pass this wisdom on to just one person, then it will all be worth while... Again, If it’s fixable...Please, fix it, life is so precious, and this is it!

Although I feel no different inside in terms of when I was younger, I also totally sense my spirit is ageless, I mega understand I wasted so much time, I also put precious energy into the wrong things...  Blamed others, pointed the finger, believing I was always right...

How many times do we say, I wish? I know if I had a penny, for every time I’d uttered these wistful words, I’m convinced, I’d be a millionaire by now...  Today, I dedicate this gorgeous song along with these tender words, to a special sister, in the knowledge that sometimes life surprises us all, because on occasion WiShES ~ do and can come true. It’s quite a warm, restful feeling, knowing the chances are that maybe something once thought out of our grasp, actually is closer than we ever thought possible.

Life’s a funny old thing, opening and closing doors the way it does... My deep Wish today is that I will continue to develop, improve and embrace each new day, recognising every tiny blessing, ensuring I can pass on a deep love with respect and affection to all my family and friends.... As so often happens in life when one experiences certain conditions that occasionally become overwhelming and unbearable, its heart-warming to feel, even if for the briefest moment, that potentially a dream may possibly come true, and even if it doesn’t... you clearly understand that at least the opportunity came for us to make things right... 

I hope I don’t ask to much when I request that you stay close!  

Tears of an Angel...

Tears of an Angel... My most favourite song in the whole world... The haunting melody and words do something to my very soul.

I know I’m capable of imagining good things, I can also imagine the very worst...  but, the one thing I know for sure is that this beautiful song, reminds me so much of my siblings, my life including our irretrievable, sad loss of time, space and people.  

The beginning of the song ‘Cover my eyes, cover my ears, tell me these words are a lie’... Reminds me of all the times I did exactly that! I would cover my face with little hands then pretend I couldn’t be seen... I was safe; difficulties in life would melt away as I would imagine a better, more different life... I know now it’s that what saved me, and made it possible for a little girl to fantasise about things, events, people, places, and a possible, shiny, bright future... I magically made myself believe the unbelievable.  Today I’d imagine, professionals would label a child like this ‘resilient’ back then I didn’t realise I was doing this, until of course I got older and started having flashbacks... My heart would break for the little girl who always felt she was never allowed to be the person she wanted to be.

Today as I listen to the song, I realise, if I’d been born into a better life... meaning, if I’d had both parents and a loving home, the chances are I would have ended up like the ‘Little Princess’ losing it all, and going on to live a life that I would always feel... was not mine... I also know beyond any shadow of doubt, In this life I was meant to struggle, this was my lot...

Looking at the bigger picture and understanding more as I got older, my experiences were needed, so that I would have the deepest possible empathy with all living beings... the good thing in all of this and yes there are good things... is that despite much hardship, and a few knocks here and there... I always managed to recall, there seemed to be a beautiful thread of magic, shimmering here and there in the background, and even when the going got tough, I would usually sense a flicker of thought, that no matter what, all would be well.  

The good thing about sad childhood memories is that small people get bigger, it’s then we fully realise that at some point we’ll be in charge, we’ll make choices.

Regardless of the fact that I always longed to be a Princess, I see myself now as the fortunate one, because I'm blessed to have two very beautiful, loving princesses who are in my world every single day.  

Right now all I ask is that you please accept my blessings with good wishes and stay close...

Derek's Home and Business Blog

Derek's Home and Business Blog

Forgiveness...

I do not have a picture of you... I’ve never needed one, because through red-hot rages of persistent disappointments and timeless regret, I’ve always managed to picture you inside my head.... Do you remember once upon a long time ago, you let me brush your beautiful hair? That particular poignant memory has lasted a life-time.

It appears I’m too late with my notion of Forgiveness... My mother is now past the point of no return. Inside my mind I know with that darkness a certain light will die. In the stillness just before death when she takes her last and final breath, I wonder if I’ll know... Will I sense it? ~ Will I finally feel any connection break? ~ At the moment I feel desperately empty, I feel a sense of loss for what could have and should have been. My hope will be that she’ll recognise from my perception, that despite the past, her future in the beyond will be all-forgiving...

Nevertheless Madge, just to reiterate from the deepest depths of my heart, body and soul... I forgive you... With my forgiveness; I send such special love with an expectation that it will accompany you on your next journey. I’m so truly sorry that in this life it did not work out for us all. My inner being knows, for you, this has had to have been a very hard lesson. Maybe that’s why you’re going the way you are... your memory’s been wiped clean, your thoughts are now on your own particular present, here and now... I suspect your thoughts won’t last any longer than it took for you to think about them. I can’t help wondering if in your final days your heart will feel happiness, or even if your mind will be capable or even able, to feel any joy should you look out the window and glimpse a familiar face... Will this be a sad way for you to leave this world? or will you know nothing as your steady, rhythmic breath grows less and less, leaving your spirit to go when it is ready...  I also wonder if at the moment of death, will your mind become free and will you then suddenly realise your devastating, wasted loss?

Take care Mum; continue to be taught for I refuse to accept that you did not learn from your journey here. It is said we make our own Karma... It’s my belief that although we do not usually take vivid memories to the next life, we certainly have a bank account of different types of reserved Karma, which I also believe accompanies us through-out many lives of necessary learning... My heartfelt hope for you is that any bad Karma, will be greatly reduced with any forgiveness of the past.

Although I will think of you often, I'm sure I will always have a deep heartfelt wish, that my sister, brothers and myself had been blessed with a loving mother... One who'd managed to keep us safe and loved, but on my own journey I’ve sadly discovered this was not to be for us, or you, and it would unquestionably not do any good to hold on to any bad feelings... I do not want you to suffer. I figure the way it’s turned out is penance enough.  With my final salute I stand proud, neck bent; head gently bowed with hands folded in prayer.

Who knows, maybe one day we’ll get to meet again!

Namaste and safe journey...

The True Meaning Of Christmas...

When I read the story below ‘Teach the children’ (Author Unknown) ~ I’ve re-edited slightly... I immediately felt a powerful sense of remembrance, that sometimes we forget the real meaning of Christmas. We get caught up in all the hype, the pressure, the rush, the push, the mush, and demands, wanting to do the best we can for families and friends, but, it's also worth remembering... some of us may miss that golden opportunity to remind ourselves, this is the absolute, perfect opportunity to downsize the scale of this particularly beautiful story to use to our advantage, promoting it in an age appropriate way to simply put the message across of the true meaning of Christmas, to our children and young people. And right now, this is just about the right time to share this beautiful story of some of the reasons we celebrate and embrace the magic of Christmas... Despite some of us forgetting the meaning, I also have to add  on my journey I've always witnessed a delight in others in the giving and receiving.  

Teach the children.

I was locking the house for the night, when I heard a noise from the front of the house, I opened the door to the front room and to my surprise, Santa himself stepped out from behind the Christmas tree, he placed his finger over his mouth, Shhhhhhhhh.

What are you doing?!! I started to ask.

The words choked in my throat, as I observed he had tears in his eyes. His usual jovial manner had disappeared, and gone was the eager boisterous character we all know; he then answered in a simple statement, teach the children.

I was puzzled, what did he mean? He guessed my question, and with one swift movement, he pulled a miniature toy bag from behind the tree, as I stood puzzled? He said teach the children! Teach the old meaning of Christmas, the meaning that ‘now-a-days Christmas’ has forgotten.

Santa then reached into his bag, and pulled out a fir tree and put it in front of the fireplace.

Teach the children that the pure green colour of the stately tree remains green all year round, representing the everlasting hope of all mankind, all the needles point heavenward, making it a symbol of mans thoughts turning toward heaven,

He then reached into his bag again, and pulled out a brilliant star.

Teach the children that the star was a heavenly sign of promises long ago, god promised a saviour for the world, and the star was the sign of fulfillment of his promise,

He again reached inside his bag and pulled out a candle,

Teach the children, that the candle symbolises that Christ is the light of the world, and when we see this great light we are reminded of Jesus, who fills our lives with light,

Once again he reached into his bag and pulled out a wreath, placing it on the tree.

Teach the children, that the wreath symbolises the real nature of love, real love never ceases, like god’s love, no beginning or end.

He then pulled out an ornament of himself.

Teach the children that I, Santa Clause, symbolise the generosity and kindness we all feel in the month December.

Once again he reached into his bag and pulled out a holly leaf.

Teach the children, that the holly plant represents immortality, it represents the crown of thorns worn by our saviour, the red holly represents his blood, shed by him,

Next he pulled out a gift, and said

Teach the children, that god so loved the world, he gave us his only son, we thank god for his very special gift,

Teach the children, that the wise men bowed before the holy baby and gave him gifts, of gold, frankincense and myrrh, we should always give gifts in the same spirit as the wise men.

Santa then reached into his sack and pulled out a sugar cane and hung it on the tree,

Teach the children that the sugar cane represents the shepherds crook, the crook on the staff helps to bring back lost sheep to the flock.

He reached in again, and pulled out an angel.

Teach the children, that it was the angels who announced the glorious saviours birth, the angels sang glory to god in the highest, on earth peace and goodwill toward men,

Suddenly I heard the softest tinkling sound, and from his bag he pulled a bell.

Teach the children, that as the lost sheep are found by the sound from the bell, it  should ring to guide us to god, the bell symbolises guidance and return, it reminds us that we are all precious in the eyes of god,

Santa looked back and was pleased, I saw the twinkle in his eyes as he said,

Remember teach the children, the true meaning of Christmas, do not put me in the centre, for I am but a humble servant of the one that is, and I bow down to worship him, our lord! Our god!

I would like to wish you all a very Happy Christmas, a bright new year with peace & love in your world.

Namaste: Stay Close!  

For me...

Not many people know what life has in store ~ in my opinion and being completely honest, it’s a damn good job!

Sometimes we can go through the most devastating circumstances, and then find we go on to struggle with the most inconceivable challenges.

I write to remind myself of some of the many blessings I have in life.... Occasionally though, the gloom and darkness have obscured what was evident... So for me I write this as a permanent reminder that despite what we go through... there is still much to be happy and content about.

Right now a big thing for me is to be in a position to thankfully share how privileged I am to be in-love, sincerely appreciating how that love feels and what it essentially means. I’m also aware of and will never forget that long ago, sad intense, crappy feelings around wanting love and remembering how sorrowful it made me feel when it was not present in my life. I also remember being in the rather lonely position of experiencing incredible, beautiful, lovable feelings, happily knowing when I found the right person who ticked all my boxes, then my invisible trusty list of wants, needs and must haves, would at last be engaged with (together) as if it were law... a law that had been written with-in a certified and magical legal contract, written by the lord of all fairness himself.

I think it’s worth a mention that I have friends who are just as happy in beautiful, meaningful relationships and some just as happy out of them. I also have friends who are not happy living their single life.  I have to add, it’s the friends who are not happy but never say anything that have inspired me to write, sharing my thoughts... I have a deep empathy for them, because after concentrating on my reflections recently, I know I’ve walked uncomfortably in their shoes.  I especially know how it feels to want something so bad that you clearly comprehend that once you have it; you’ll treasure it forever, why? Because it’s your deepest, dearest wish, to walk a path where there are clearly two sets of footprints.  I'd like to think after reading this, they will embrace the fact that even when one thinks it wont happen, it can and often does...

I’m fortunate to have a diverse range of friends, I understand being in a relationship is not for everybody, nor is it what everybody wants, but throughout life I’ve always recognised I never wanted to be alone...  However after saying that, I reluctantly but thankfully spent time alone and although it wasn’t for me, I did learn a heck of a lot about myself. It was a good time, where I managed to heal and get rid of unnecessary baggage. I later realised I’d got myself into quite a good position, where if I met the right person then I was more than ready... No hang-ups, or Pre-Ex issues, just a nice lady waiting for the right guy who would also be raring to go for an honest, genuine relationship.

Don’t get me wrong though, I did spend a little time coming across individuals who had strange morals, unsavory behaviour and very different needs...  I use to ask my friend, how do you know you've met the right one, all she would say is "You will know" she was absolutely right!  Then one fine day... a day I thought would never happen ... happened!

I think its appropriate the Blog 'You were meant for me'  is worth a mention. A beautiful reminder of the perfect moment!

http://angeljanesworld.blogspot.com/2010/08/you-were-meant-for-me.html 

I get teary eyed when I thank my lucky stars, knowing I'm fortunate enough to be able to share this life... Maybe it’s not perfect, but you know what? it’s as perfect as we can make it...

Dont forget... Stay Close!

Fantastic Prize @Ewen's In Blackburn Market

Christmas is coming and we know this will help ~ I spy with my little eye something beginning with.... Check out the 'Magic Word' which is being run in conjunction with www.blackburnlife.com at Ewen's Butchers In the new BlackburnMarket where a warm welcome is waiting...

http://www.blackburnlife.com/2011/11/fantastic-prize-at-ewens-butchers-in-blackburn-market-competition/

A Change of Heart...

Dedicated to my Sister and Brothers... In our early years we sadly missed out on so much, all of which was out of our control... in coming almost full circle I know individually we’ve  gathered life experiences separately... but, in becoming aware of all the info and clearly seeing history, I rejoice because it is us who really are the lucky ones! 

I realise some might not agree with my findings, but please remember I write from my own perspective...

I have learned that the happiness and wellbeing of others dictates I have to let certain, long standing issues go... I know till recently the biggest issue for most of my life is the fact I did not have a proper mother... Recently I made a decision that’s both shocked and surprised me, but I suppose what’s been instrumental in helping me make this long, overdue decision, is a number of things that I’d like to especially share with my siblings.

Recently I was sadly advised our biological mother had been struck with an awful degenerative disease Senile-Dementia...  I’m not sure if I can articulate or express how I feel into words.

My thoughts, my feelings and how I feel... when I was told I was strangely calm, yet I felt a penetrating sadness. If there’d been the slightest chance of proper closure then I knew it had transpired within the blink of my own heartbeat and mores’ to the point, disappointingly without our mother’s input. Due to her illness, I also grasped it would never happen due to what would be her dramatic loss of memory...  I felt for myself and my siblings... I also felt for her beautiful grandchildren. What a crying shame to leave this beautiful world neither knowing nor learning.   

My heart is heavy...  if there’d been any possibility of two hearts and minds triumphantly coming together to address the past, share history, discover the family I’d never known... Now it would be gone forever!

For seven days and seven nights I thought about what we’d lost as individuals and as a family... Then it hit me ~ whilst reading my Buddah teachings, listening to the sincerity of their wise words of wisdom, I knew with crystal precision which filled me with joy... I wanted to forgive the mother who’d never been a mother. For the first time ever I truly felt for a lost mother, who’d unfortunately never joyfully lived to know unconditional love and affection from her own beautiful children and grandchildren. 

From beyond the unknown, I was overwhelmed with the knowledge and a deep sense of the right thing to do.

All those years of wasted energy we’d both demonstrated by concentrating on pointless negativity, the blame, finger pointing... Yes I know stuff happened, hurtful, damaging stuff, which sadly ended in five children being taken into care. But, we were lucky, some kids don’t make it, some kids don’t even have food or water or a place to live.

For me the time is right to forgive. At last I’m ready to genuinely look towards my Mother, smile with no hatred hiding in my heart. I’d like to hold her hand look into her eyes and tell her honestly that I, her eldest daughter follow a different path, and I wish her nothing but happiness and peace of mind.

If I could accomplish this the joy would be mine and I would pray she would feel complete forgiveness to take with her to the next life, where hopefully she will become the best mother ever.

I’ve read ‘Senile Dementia’ is a cruel illness; I believe the blessing for my mother will be that she’ll stop feeling guilty and have no bad memories of any wrong doing, mistakes or lost children.  

There is no better feeling than the feeling of helping another living-being.

For so long I’ve felt bad and for good reason, but, the time has come to think differently and deal with certain situations if I’m to help support and apply positive effort for the best possible outcome.

As my journey continues, my wish is that no matter what, you'll stay with me! 

Namaste  

Just For You

I dedicate this post to those of you I’ve not been in touch with... I know that sometimes silence is a necessity; it allows a person time to heal and gather their strength which is necessary for recovery... Thank you for being there and despite my silence I’ve been grateful for your kind words and thoughts...

"Strength does not come from winning. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength." Mahatma Gandhi

In life when things change too much or too quickly, there can be the possibility of it becoming overly complicated, even stressful. I recently read an article that stated if you think back a year or two and think about how much extra responsibility you’ve got? You may well find you have too much stuff going on or even too many possessions including, projects and commitments. I did this and listed down all the changes in my life over the last few years and realised surprisingly, for someone who doesn’t like change a lot happened… As some of you may know, not all of it for the good… Also I feel it’s worth mentioning, as much as I share I also possess a silent side and quite rightly there’s the private stuff I keep for me and my lovely man.

If I had to describe it, I’d say for me it’s been like watching a mountain being built and trying to figure out how you can deal with each individual issue, as the mountain grows, its foundations crumble… The fragility of it all penetrates your soul; sadly you’re left feeling the fall-out with a vulnerability that’s concerning enough to make you want to crawl away until it all stops dead.   

I’ve found my dislike of change reduces my focus, increases stress levels and usually lowers my performance. I’ve been known to take on too much… Oh you know what it’s like, we have good intentions, but, if that stress button lights up, then it becomes difficult and unmanageable…

Over the past few months I’ve discovered, I don’t let go of things easily… I realise this is not a good thing!  The last 3-4 weeks with extra support I’ve learnt to cut down on stuff like projects, plans and possessions. I know this has been the busiest year of my life and although I knew there would be lots of changes, I felt confident I would cope and I was doing ok until my beautiful girl’s condition became worse, then everything seemed to go out the window and all the questions which surged from my core, overwhelmed me completely, leaving me reeling. I also know what didn’t help was my lack of positivity. The change in me became significant enough to overshadow everything I once believed in.  The last two weeks I’m pleased to say, have been positive in that I’ve managed to make a start on changing my thinking… I’ll quickly add it’s an ongoing project and I have to be honest with you, it’s damn hard…  This change is necessary; it will benefit not just me, but my family and friends as I’ve become well aware that they really worry over me. The differences they’ve witnessed over the last two years have caused further anxiety… Now that my thinking’s become less cloudy, I know I’ve missed so much stuff. Not only have I missed within my personal life I’ve also missed out on work colleagues… I have every intention of catching up and soon!

We all know life’s unpredictable, if I had any advice, it would be... YOU have to come first, so look after your-self… if you let yourself drop into the darkness then it’s very hard to lift yourself out, especially my friend if your questions remain unanswered.  I’ve gathered from this experience, nothing lasts forever but, the positivity here is that family and friends who have remained in contact despite not receiving anything back, has shown me by reinforcing that there are some beautiful people on this planet and for that blessing, I will always be truly thankful.

Namaste..... X

Thankfulness and Beyond

It’s always so nice to receive thanks for things we say or do. It fills us with fuzzy warmth that is deeply comforting, reaffirming, we did the right thing... Everyone likes to be thanked and not surprisingly, no one ever gets tired of it...

As some of you may already know the past 2 years have been especially hard and at this point that struggle continues... On this beautiful Sunday afternoon, my reason for writing and sharing this post is quite simply to look at you all, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words and thoughts, not forgetting physical, emotional and virtual-cyber support... some of you will never know how deeply you‘ve touched me and subsequently my family.  

Family, friends and yes, even strangers have reached out and touched my heart. I believe gratitude is the most exquisite form of courtesy and as long as I can feel that, I will continue to sense our connection.  It’s so important to be able to share this deeper element of oneself.  I came to know this truth from experience... once upon a long time ago; I let someone leave this wonderful planet without telling them how I really felt.  Alarmingly the finalisation of that frustrating knowledge, eventually helped me understand that being oneself, sharing ones heart and being the real you with genuineness, is really what’s important for the here, now and future....Unfortunately, on my travels I‘ve come across individuals who have disbelieved sincerity, who’ve sadly gone on to disconnect all ties under many false illusions with their unrealistic ideas of what is actually fact, truth or fiction... Like anyone this could have happened to, we know the awful injustice will remain for as long as we are, because, the unfairness of it strikes deep within our hearts and we know we have lost something that could have been so beautiful and wretchedly we grasp with clarity, the fact that we’ll never be able to recapture lost time or potential precious memories.
As usual I’ve veered off the track, because in thanking others it sorrowfully reminds me of the past... My family mean so much to me, I am always full of regret when I remember we are not all together and yet, I know they are there...

I want to end on a huge positive so I will continue with this thought...

I'm where I should be. My world, although not perfect is as perfect as can transpire... I've learned and continue to learn much and I especially know with crystal clear understanding, being here for my family and friends is where I want to be... I know you know that nothing is perfect, so live your life, dream your dreams and remember, be yourself with a genuineness that won’t compare...  

Oh and guys... Thanks again!