A Change of Heart...

Dedicated to my Sister and Brothers... In our early years we sadly missed out on so much, all of which was out of our control... in coming almost full circle I know individually we’ve  gathered life experiences separately... but, in becoming aware of all the info and clearly seeing history, I rejoice because it is us who really are the lucky ones! 

I realise some might not agree with my findings, but please remember I write from my own perspective...

I have learned that the happiness and wellbeing of others dictates I have to let certain, long standing issues go... I know till recently the biggest issue for most of my life is the fact I did not have a proper mother... Recently I made a decision that’s both shocked and surprised me, but I suppose what’s been instrumental in helping me make this long, overdue decision, is a number of things that I’d like to especially share with my siblings.

Recently I was sadly advised our biological mother had been struck with an awful degenerative disease Senile-Dementia...  I’m not sure if I can articulate or express how I feel into words.

My thoughts, my feelings and how I feel... when I was told I was strangely calm, yet I felt a penetrating sadness. If there’d been the slightest chance of proper closure then I knew it had transpired within the blink of my own heartbeat and mores’ to the point, disappointingly without our mother’s input. Due to her illness, I also grasped it would never happen due to what would be her dramatic loss of memory...  I felt for myself and my siblings... I also felt for her beautiful grandchildren. What a crying shame to leave this beautiful world neither knowing nor learning.   

My heart is heavy...  if there’d been any possibility of two hearts and minds triumphantly coming together to address the past, share history, discover the family I’d never known... Now it would be gone forever!

For seven days and seven nights I thought about what we’d lost as individuals and as a family... Then it hit me ~ whilst reading my Buddah teachings, listening to the sincerity of their wise words of wisdom, I knew with crystal precision which filled me with joy... I wanted to forgive the mother who’d never been a mother. For the first time ever I truly felt for a lost mother, who’d unfortunately never joyfully lived to know unconditional love and affection from her own beautiful children and grandchildren. 

From beyond the unknown, I was overwhelmed with the knowledge and a deep sense of the right thing to do.

All those years of wasted energy we’d both demonstrated by concentrating on pointless negativity, the blame, finger pointing... Yes I know stuff happened, hurtful, damaging stuff, which sadly ended in five children being taken into care. But, we were lucky, some kids don’t make it, some kids don’t even have food or water or a place to live.

For me the time is right to forgive. At last I’m ready to genuinely look towards my Mother, smile with no hatred hiding in my heart. I’d like to hold her hand look into her eyes and tell her honestly that I, her eldest daughter follow a different path, and I wish her nothing but happiness and peace of mind.

If I could accomplish this the joy would be mine and I would pray she would feel complete forgiveness to take with her to the next life, where hopefully she will become the best mother ever.

I’ve read ‘Senile Dementia’ is a cruel illness; I believe the blessing for my mother will be that she’ll stop feeling guilty and have no bad memories of any wrong doing, mistakes or lost children.  

There is no better feeling than the feeling of helping another living-being.

For so long I’ve felt bad and for good reason, but, the time has come to think differently and deal with certain situations if I’m to help support and apply positive effort for the best possible outcome.

As my journey continues, my wish is that no matter what, you'll stay with me! 

Namaste  

Thoughts... Visions & Dreams.............................

I know my ultimate dream is to embrace the world and its inhabitants... I would right every single wrong... heal all absolute misery... and very importantly I would enable clarity for every single thought just so the human race would know instinctively, how to feel and deal with intense feelings of happiness and frustration and they would totally understand the importance of these emotions within their lives..... I would magically impregnate the importance of thoughts into the central cavity within any thought process and I would clearly show how making the right ones impacts on the world, people and their culture... Consequently instilling in each and everybody the importance of helping, supporting and being genuine... Hmmmmm.... well come on I told you it was a dream....

The past week’s been an eye opener. Every experience good or indifferent I’ve felt 10 times over and with a depth that’s been grossly uncomfortable... I’m not sure what’s happened to me but I feel quite strange, its having an impact on the way I deal with certain things.... for example this week my work load doubled, yet I’m going through an appeal hopefully showing the powers that be my current role is so worth the grade it stood at... but you know what, inside I feel like saying..... Stick it!!! I don’t need the hassle. Instantly though, I find these thoughts make me feel guilty because I realise my own attitude can and will reflect on the rest of my colleagues. I’ve something brewing deep inside my brain. I’m working on a solution.....

Also this week I’ve found a very special lady constantly in my thoughts. I know she’s been here to comfort me. Recently I’ve felt upset with a couple of issues that are going on in and around my life... She’s a lady who I’ll always love and admire for the rest of my days or until my soul no longer exists. Wish you were here now Grandma, didn’t realise how much I’d miss you until you left....

My daughter celebrated her birthday this month. I sat back and watched as she blew out her birthday candles and I realised with a warm, gushing pride how clever I’d been in bringing up such a warm, loving, strong and powerful young lady who’s not afraid to challenge appropriately... I know in her career and personal life she’s going to go from strength to strength. She’s focused and her targets are constantly being hit... This is going to be her year... she’s working and studying hard. Love you gorgeous girl, I’m so lucky to be your mum. I’m thankful you’re in my corner.

It feels strange to be so happy yet so sad. I know I’m not alone, the world is a beautiful place but unfortunately we all have to deal with life’s little icky bits that unfortunately, are not so nice.... We all have our ups and our downs... I’ll hastily add, I’m still of the opinion I'm the luckiest lady on this planet, I feel that thought will never change but at the moment I feel as if there’s an echo in my existence that needs a little TLC to make it all better. Maybe it’s the constant feeling of unease, as I leave the house each morning... to spend the rest of my day in a place I no longer enjoy... Maybe a new challenge is needed and should be set... I feel the skills I possess are wasted and yet there’s a part of me that loves the place I’ve been for the past 8years... Maybe I don’t like change and that’s what I’m struggling with.... I’m sure time will tell... You’ll be the first to know if the echo receives an answer...

When I open my eyes wide I see so much for so many.... I love the energy I feel for those around me. I feel such brilliant vibes when I look at someone... I know if their happy or sad... I know if they need help or not... I know what there going through and sometimes I stumble when I feel their pain... I have a gift for knowing what to do or for comforting, even helpfully showing them the road they could take. At times I’m astounded as to where the ideas and information comes from... I just know its right and it’s imperative I share it...

Regardless of what happens around us, it’s important we keep hold of the positive side of life even when it’s slipping through our fingers... The positive I will leave for you today... is that despite the fact I know I’m going to be extremely busy work wise this week, I also know I’ll be meeting a whole lot of new people and that won’t be a bad thing...

So my friend, until the next time I can physically sit my derriere on my much loved writing seat in the feint hope I reach out to you... I’ll look forward to seeing you then... Have a wonderful week. Mwah x

I've grown...... I'm me and I love the feeling.

I've grown into the woman I've become because of who I was originally. I know when babies are born, they are born essentially good....it’s what they ultimately experience, that moulds them for the life they will eventually lead.

Back in the day when I was a young, loving child, I would look up into the eyes of the adults around me (at times beseechingly) searching for their guidance and love... We all know just like my siblings and I some children are not born into normal family environments... where love is unconditional and given freely along with that magical gift which carries no price tag for the child, because... it’s usually given warmly by a person with a heart full of joy. They grasp completely the very thought...this child is theirs, they hold securely the responsibility for that child’s well being and it’s always paramount to them. The fact is they understand what it means to have and hold a child... keeping it safe, loved and protected for as long as it takes this further spurns on the development of the process between child and carer.

It was my misfortune to be born into a family completely dysfunctional. There were a lot of issues around substance abuse, poverty and a complete lack of parenting skills. The knock on affect this has on the family, eventually becomes intolerable. The adults (our parents) were young, selfish and probably if stock were to be taken of their own childhood, then it might be found they too suffered at the hands of their own parents in similar circumstances to the ones they inflicted on their own offspring.... I’m glad to say that’s where it all ended because; my siblings and I brought our own children up in a normal correct and loving manner. Speaking for myself, I found I was extra sensitive to the protectiveness of my own child to the point where as a baby I never left her then when she was a young adult and she wanted to feel grown up I would give her that little bit of space they so often need but actually, I use to follow her to ensure she was always safe.... Even now I ring and text every day... I’m in constant touch, she is everything to me and more.... the very thought of anything happening to her or someone hurting her fills me with a fear that goes deep, at times it coldly penetrates the very core to my heart, when that happens it grabs my soul on the way in.

During her childhood she was and continues to be amazing. Back then she developed the capacity of stilling my fears....soothing my worries and allaying my concerns, for that I will always be grateful. At the start of my own healing journey my girl’s attitude and sensitivity helped me enormously and as you all know that healing journey continues to this day..... When you've lived through trauma, neglect, misplaced love, abuse at all levels and the insult of separation from family members... is it any wonder one needs to heal.

When I was that tiny teeny tiddlywink... being the eldest, I managed to take on an unrealistic role... it included keeping my baby siblings safe. Obviously I was too little to do that, but from all accounts it didn’t stop me from trying.... and my title in care is well documented... I was called the ‘little mother’.... In my own eyes though my failure of that role instilled in me, a feeling of total and utter consternation that they were hurting... whilst living with our biological parent they were my responsibility, I took care of them... but in care, I felt I had let them down despite being totally happy myself that we were in care and being looked after properly... I loved it... I never, never, ever, ever wanted to leave.

Subsequently in my teens I felt an absolute need to distance myself from my brothers and sister... I discovered it was mentally the only time I felt spiritual peace.... Sadly to this day for some family members that has given them a double whammy because, not only did the adults in their lives let them down, so did their big sister...

In my opinion the best we can accomplish in this wonderful life, is to never knowingly hurt anybody, follow our instincts and as long as we do our best and what feels right, then we cannot be expected to do anymore.... If I’ve suffered sleepless nights it’s not because of what I’ve done, it’s because of what I wish I’d been more capable of doing...

I know this beautiful thought... I’ve grown... it’s been a long and winding road, I know I like me, I like who I am and who I’ve become. In growing I've reached the shiny bright conclusion life is so very special.

This is not a dress rehearsal. We have to make the most of this brilliant time we have and make it sparkle more.... spoil the ones we love, never go to bed on an argument, communicate at all costs and never forget to tell people how you really feel because one day you or they won’t be here to chat or reassure ... Communication is the key!

My lovely family, all of them deliciously unique and wonderful in every way, they deserved a good, happy upbringing. Sadly that didn’t happen... A positive point here is this.... despite everything we've all become fine upstanding citizens and I know we all love our families and friends with a passion... So looking at it from that perspective; it’s not turned out so bad after all.

I know and understand completely this form of communication is not for everyone. For a long time and for one reason or another, I was not allowed or encouraged to talk openly... sadly I let others control me but I say this with no hard feelings just a genuine warmth... I have always enjoyed sharing thoughts, ideas, worries, opinions, views and beliefs. I particularly love being positive but I'll hastily add, not to the point where I have to exclude all the other stuff I'm sharing... all of it for me is crucial so very necessary to walk on the road I want to remain on. Hopefully, I will continue to embrace the life I’m living and carry on loving the life I lead. It’s made all the better by the beautiful people I have met and enhanced by the people who remain by my side... Those qualities are inside all of us... You know don’t you my friend; there isn’t anything we can’t do...

Hugs wrapped up in kisses from the Angel within...... :)

Its My Birthday ....

It’s my birthday.... another year older and inside I’m screaming to be heard.... I know from personal experience in this great big wide wonderful, crazy, world... there are a lot of good, honest, decent people who live their lives in a balanced, honest way.
BUT... there are also people who are fragile, damaged through no fault of their own... this can disable them enormously making them feel emotionally inadequate, causing low self esteem which leaves them with no confidence... I say all this for a reason...
Life is too short to look back in the past... If you have ever listened to anything then please listen to this.
Do yourself a favour... what I ask is not always an easy thing to accomplish or even remember especially in our hectic, busy lifestyles. Try to consciously Open 4 things in your life... it will aid you as you make footprints in the sand...

Open your arms wide... to enable yourself to love, support, hug, and hold. Do this even if someone once pushed you away....

Open your ears... to hear good as well as bad stuff... really listen and act appropriately. Even if someone once told you to ‘shut-up’

Open your eyes wide... so that you can see around you to realise the beauty that surrounds us and when you see something dark, don’t close your eyes and ignore, make yourself deal with it. Do it my friend even if you’re really afraid, remember... there is always someone who will hold out their hand.

Open your heart... to open this is to let love in when you subsequently allow it to flow out, this somehow magically turns you into a stronger person. If you have love in your life, it usually follows you will have love inside. To share that special gift will enhance yours and someones elses life... behind the scenes this usually has a knock on effect that very often you dont get to see but the person you affected is the richer for having known you....These things are needed to hear, see, feel, hug and hold... Do it... one day you will look back, you will know your presence made a difference.