Forgiveness...

I do not have a picture of you... I’ve never needed one, because through red-hot rages of persistent disappointments and timeless regret, I’ve always managed to picture you inside my head.... Do you remember once upon a long time ago, you let me brush your beautiful hair? That particular poignant memory has lasted a life-time.

It appears I’m too late with my notion of Forgiveness... My mother is now past the point of no return. Inside my mind I know with that darkness a certain light will die. In the stillness just before death when she takes her last and final breath, I wonder if I’ll know... Will I sense it? ~ Will I finally feel any connection break? ~ At the moment I feel desperately empty, I feel a sense of loss for what could have and should have been. My hope will be that she’ll recognise from my perception, that despite the past, her future in the beyond will be all-forgiving...

Nevertheless Madge, just to reiterate from the deepest depths of my heart, body and soul... I forgive you... With my forgiveness; I send such special love with an expectation that it will accompany you on your next journey. I’m so truly sorry that in this life it did not work out for us all. My inner being knows, for you, this has had to have been a very hard lesson. Maybe that’s why you’re going the way you are... your memory’s been wiped clean, your thoughts are now on your own particular present, here and now... I suspect your thoughts won’t last any longer than it took for you to think about them. I can’t help wondering if in your final days your heart will feel happiness, or even if your mind will be capable or even able, to feel any joy should you look out the window and glimpse a familiar face... Will this be a sad way for you to leave this world? or will you know nothing as your steady, rhythmic breath grows less and less, leaving your spirit to go when it is ready...  I also wonder if at the moment of death, will your mind become free and will you then suddenly realise your devastating, wasted loss?

Take care Mum; continue to be taught for I refuse to accept that you did not learn from your journey here. It is said we make our own Karma... It’s my belief that although we do not usually take vivid memories to the next life, we certainly have a bank account of different types of reserved Karma, which I also believe accompanies us through-out many lives of necessary learning... My heartfelt hope for you is that any bad Karma, will be greatly reduced with any forgiveness of the past.

Although I will think of you often, I'm sure I will always have a deep heartfelt wish, that my sister, brothers and myself had been blessed with a loving mother... One who'd managed to keep us safe and loved, but on my own journey I’ve sadly discovered this was not to be for us, or you, and it would unquestionably not do any good to hold on to any bad feelings... I do not want you to suffer. I figure the way it’s turned out is penance enough.  With my final salute I stand proud, neck bent; head gently bowed with hands folded in prayer.

Who knows, maybe one day we’ll get to meet again!

Namaste and safe journey...