I dedicate this post to those of you I’ve not been in touch with... I know that sometimes silence is a necessity; it allows a person time to heal and gather their strength which is necessary for recovery... Thank you for being there and despite my silence I’ve been grateful for your kind words and thoughts...
"Strength does not come from winning. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength." Mahatma Gandhi
In life when things change too much or too quickly, there can be the possibility of it becoming overly complicated, even stressful. I recently read an article that stated if you think back a year or two and think about how much extra responsibility you’ve got? You may well find you have too much stuff going on or even too many possessions including, projects and commitments. I did this and listed down all the changes in my life over the last few years and realised surprisingly, for someone who doesn’t like change a lot happened… As some of you may know, not all of it for the good… Also I feel it’s worth mentioning, as much as I share I also possess a silent side and quite rightly there’s the private stuff I keep for me and my lovely man.
If I had to describe it, I’d say for me it’s been like watching a mountain being built and trying to figure out how you can deal with each individual issue, as the mountain grows, its foundations crumble… The fragility of it all penetrates your soul; sadly you’re left feeling the fall-out with a vulnerability that’s concerning enough to make you want to crawl away until it all stops dead.
I’ve found my dislike of change reduces my focus, increases stress levels and usually lowers my performance. I’ve been known to take on too much… Oh you know what it’s like, we have good intentions, but, if that stress button lights up, then it becomes difficult and unmanageable…
Over the past few months I’ve discovered, I don’t let go of things easily… I realise this is not a good thing! The last 3-4 weeks with extra support I’ve learnt to cut down on stuff like projects, plans and possessions. I know this has been the busiest year of my life and although I knew there would be lots of changes, I felt confident I would cope and I was doing ok until my beautiful girl’s condition became worse, then everything seemed to go out the window and all the questions which surged from my core, overwhelmed me completely, leaving me reeling. I also know what didn’t help was my lack of positivity. The change in me became significant enough to overshadow everything I once believed in. The last two weeks I’m pleased to say, have been positive in that I’ve managed to make a start on changing my thinking… I’ll quickly add it’s an ongoing project and I have to be honest with you, it’s damn hard… This change is necessary; it will benefit not just me, but my family and friends as I’ve become well aware that they really worry over me. The differences they’ve witnessed over the last two years have caused further anxiety… Now that my thinking’s become less cloudy, I know I’ve missed so much stuff. Not only have I missed within my personal life I’ve also missed out on work colleagues… I have every intention of catching up and soon!
We all know life’s unpredictable, if I had any advice, it would be... YOU have to come first, so look after your-self… if you let yourself drop into the darkness then it’s very hard to lift yourself out, especially my friend if your questions remain unanswered. I’ve gathered from this experience, nothing lasts forever but, the positivity here is that family and friends who have remained in contact despite not receiving anything back, has shown me by reinforcing that there are some beautiful people on this planet and for that blessing, I will always be truly thankful.
Namaste..... X
Friday 3rd Dec 2010:
As long as I live, I know that I’ll never be able to capture the words to describe the final, complete and exquisite magic which happened within the confines of our Maltese Hotel, on our last evening together...
Oh What A Glorious Day!
Little did we know just how magnificently this beautiful day would end? With sad hearts we rose knowing this was our last day...
On entering the dining room for breakfast all four of us visibly brighten as guests and hotel staff shout good morning greetings, waving at four ladies from England. Waving back we take great pleasure in reminding them they’re in for a real treat this evening, tonight, we squeal is fancy dress. Genuine Warm smiles mixed with laughter follow us as we go to choose breakfast.
Several days earlier we’d decided, Friday was going to be our chilling day, a last day to try and capture more Maltese rays of warm sun-shine, but unfortunately it was cloudy with spit spots of threatening rain.
After breakfast, the four of us stood in front of our hotel, its splendid window frontage overlooking a most wonderful view of the sea. Silence pulsates between us as we all stood within our own dream world. It was Charlotte who broke into the moment...
“I know, let’s go shopping”
Four sets of eyes need no further persuasion... four hours later found four shattered females flopping down into a favourite snack bar as we order, delicious chicken and mushroom bakes ~ beer, wine and sangria... I exhaled as I heard Gypsy Kings playing in the background. Giggling, toe tapping and much chatter continued to keep us busy as we explore the night ahead.
Sixty minutes later, walking back to our hotel, thoughts of sunbathing in the rain ~ more laughter!
On a wet sunbathing terrace it wasn’t hard to see, sunbathing was definitely not order of the day ~ guests weren’t around, staff laughed and waved when they witnessed us covered in beach towels, lying on sun loungers with sun brollies up... enjoying the last few hours of warm daylight. We knew going back to England tomorrow we’d be returning to snow and a rather drastic plummet in temperatures.
Drinks ordered, we lay on sun beds when the lovely Selina joined us.
“Where are you all eating tonight?” Selina wanted to know
“We’ve booked into the Chinese for our last meal” I returned misty eyed.
“We’ve invited Frank” Samantha said.
Ninety years young, Frank was such a good guy, a true gent and a delight to be around.
When we walked into our favourite Chinese restaurant that evening, guests and staff could not believe their eyes. We had little red riding hood (Charlotte) A super sexy bunny (Miranda) a first sexy class airline pilot (Samantha) and me... a masquerade-ball princess. As we walked through for our meal, Frank had the biggest smile. Cheekily I whisper to him that he was behaving like and just reminded me of Charlie with his angels; this simply made his grin deepen. If I say this was the beginning to a hugely wonderful evening, I truly didn’t realise at that point how absolutely amazing it was going to be.
As we wait for starters, music, laughter and cheerfulness emanates throughout the restaurant. It was only when we felt a gentle breeze blow towards our table; we knew someone had entered the restaurant... Imagine our surprise when the hotel manager approached our table laughing, holding up a cat mask he said
“Selina has sent me to see you” He spent a few moments chatting and sharing with us that he felt we’d been good sports all week and the hotel, its guests had appreciated our company... He further said that he would appreciate it if we’d join him for drinks later!
The four of us were kind of speechless after he left... to have been thanked by the manager him-self was truly a compliment and an honour...
The rest of dinner was fabulous, loads of gorgeous food, copious amounts to drink, all made for a truly magical beginning to what was to become an outstanding night.
Walking slowly back I kept thinking how wonderful we all look and how delighted Frank was at escorting us ladies back to the most beautiful bar in the world. Personally I felt so happy, I wanted to hug myself and everyone else around me. We walked slowly due to Frank’s age, walking slowly also had perks... In a world of my own, I looked at my friends and realised how much I truly loved each and every one of them with their complete acceptance of most of what I might say, my thoughts made me emotional. As we walked further through our beautiful hotel grounds and its immense corridors, the black and whiteness of its marble reminds me just how gorgeous our surroundings are... As I Listen to my huge masquerade ball gown swishhhhh along marble, I know my heart forever keeps, holds, and locks in tight irreplaceable memories from our week in Malta... I also know my mask hides misty eyes that glisten enough to bring my girls rushing towards me, luxuriously, allowing me the time to hold them tight for a whole five minutes... then realising they were getting worried I laughed, come on... last one to the bar buys the drinks... that was more than enough to kick start all of us (except Frank of course) into the well known bar run...
Unfortunately Miranda came last and then moaned and moaned the whole way through ordering our round of drinks... Smiling at her irritation, I looked about the room it looked so beautiful, everything glistened and that’s when I see the strictly come dancing team, rush over towards us...
As they all push closer to look...
“Oh girls you look absolutely wonderful”...
The mood feels beautiful, people are happy; music blares... it’s going to be a brilliant night.
The dancing’s wonderful. We’re all up; the music’s taking us there... mind-you, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, as we all know, drink helps.
Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte, Selina and I were up and it felt great. The atmosphere pure electric, the place filled up fast and the bar, buzzed, mega busy. The DJ started taking requests and the whole of the bar started to join in a circle, a circle that grew and grew... through the flashing lights the music started up and I heard Frank Sinatra’s voice call, New York New York... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-ZUXQuFcnw The atmosphere twitched and trembled as every single person in that bar joined hands and started dancing in an unbroken circle, the smiles, the ambience hit everyone... kicking legs high we sang with Frank Sinatra and as New York ,New York faded, the girls and I went to the stage eager and happy to address the crowd, telling them we’d had a fabulous week and although we were really sorry to be going... the memories we would take with us, would never fade... We called Frank over and thanked him for looking after us... his eyes misted as he thanked us back, saying he’d really enjoyed our company and was sad we were leaving. Individuals were coming up and hugging us and saying goodnight and goodbye...
Phew I said, how the heck do you beat this? “You don’t” whispered Miranda.
A restless night and a sad journey home... but once again, at Manchester airport despite our sadness at leaving Malta, we rejoiced at landing on familiar territory. As I kissed and dropped my last friend off I put my foot down in a bid to reunite with my beautiful man...
Will I go to Malta again? I don’t think so; you cannot expect to repeat perfection a second time around!
THE END
