A Kiss from my Rose...

I know I heard this song for the very first time today...... yet, I have known this song and her voice all of my life. Flashbacks grab me as I witness a frightened me, a scared myself and a terrified I.

I’m five years old, standing on the busiest motorway of life... lyrical notes crash to my core like a vehicle smashing into me at a million miles an hour...but, instead of being killed, I sense complete serenity when hit so violently... A hit that's totally mingled with the beauty of her voice, whom I instantly realise is my imaginary mother... and while the real mother looks down at me and scowls disgustedly... my  imaginary mother is always ready to take over, reassuring me that everything's going to be ok, I'm going to be ok... I infinitely know as long as I can hear her voice, feel her music, sense her warm presence, I will never have to be afraid, because the one good thing I'm always very clever at, is closing my eyes... Flashbacks in the present still happen, not as often, but despite never having had this particular one before, I was able to close my eyes and not feel the normal overwhelming, panicky fear... even now, music, scents, experiences bring them all to the fore, sometimes they are pleasant, sometimes they are not... Today’s been heavenly despite the reminder that my real mother had her own problems, and in spite of her having so many children, this unfortunately did not bring her peace or happiness ... I’ve listened to the music several times and memorised its beautiful haunting melody, especially the angelic voice that saved me all those years ago.. It just goes to show, children quite often, are magically resilient, they willingly engulf themselves into a world that others cannot see...  It's a world seldom spoke about, due to the nature or reason the child lives trapped within both spheres... Even to an innocent child, her realistic world is not acceptable, but because it’s the only world she knows, she lives anxiously within, creating a whole new world that for her happens just as realistically as her everyday challenging one....

Today I give thanks and am grateful for my imaginary mother, who came to me in what was at times, my most horrendous hours of need... and for the first time in a long time, I heard her voice, was embraced by her heavenly music and despite all of previous difficulties, I felt a definite warmth from my past.

I believe there is a god, he assists us... he makes things possible and allows things to happen... he is clever, there are lessons within all of this... but it’s not a test, it’s a path... our path, our journey, our joy, our pain... It makes us who we are, and it’s who we are, that has an amazing impact on the world, people, and every single living being...  my real journey started in 2009 and my wish is this... 'long may I walk for I know my lesson is not over'  

I have never been one to want to be on my own, so please, won’t you stay with me!

National Butchers Week...

Award Winning Butcher launches educational visits to Blackburn Market

Courtesy of www.blackburnlife.com
Who's consistant support is always very much appreciated! What a brilliant week we're going to have. ~ 25th - 31st March. Come on Support your local butcher!

LIEBSTER Award...

I still can’t believe I’ve won an award: The ‘Liebster Award’ has been awarded to me by my gorgeous friend Irish… http://irishpenn.blogspot.com/  When I opened my email, I knew I was completely overwhelmed because after reading the good news for the tenth time, the penny finally dropped. I’m lifted and truthfully grateful.  Knowing my words mean something to someone is truly an honor.

For those of you who are not familiar what the word Liebster, it is of German origin and means “Favorite, beloved, dearest” 

The honor of accepting the award is traditionally done in the following way:

1. Show thanks to the blogger who awarded you by linking back to their blog.
2. Pick 5 blogs with less than 200 followers and let them know about your nomination by leaving a comment on their blog
3. Post the award on your blog!

Irish, I send my gratitude to you dear friend. I am delightfully happy to be able to pass along the love to these lovely, deserving people:

http://gilmorehousebb.blogspot.com/   ~ One of my absolute, favourite bloggers:  A blogger who distributes random ramblings of what’s going on at their B&B. This is a wonderful blog which is so interesting to me, because this is one of my dreams... I’m determined to one day own a B&B with an attached cafe by the sea... I love people and I feel this is going to be the ideal way to connect.

http://ravenmyth.blogspot.com/   ~ The moment I connected with Leanne, who is also a medium clairvoyant, I felt the strongest pull... On my road to find answers, this lady answered some... her blog is interesting, pulling you in to the point that when you look at the time, your mind wonders where the heck it went!

http://widowlady302.blogspot.com/  ~ Lisa writes her blog with the most amazing thought and compassion, her experiences are overwhelmingly familiar and bring comfort to me and everyone she touches... her beautiful compassionate words strike a chord within us all. I wouldn’t miss Lisa’s thoughts and writing for anything.

http://eatingliferaw.blogspot.com/   ~ Lisa writes one of the most wonderful, thought provoking blogs. ‘Eating Life Raw’ is very close to my heart... Her words always seem to penetrate my spirit, and her thoughts join to show me this lady has a beautiful soul. Lovely Lisa, says it has she sees it and along with her genuineness, I am truthfully grateful to have connected with her not just in the blogging world, but on other networks too. 

http://paulinembarclay.blogspot.com/ Scribbles... Last but definitely not least... Pauline Barclay, a fab lady who lives on one of the beautiful Canary Islands.  This gorgeous lady shares the beauty of that island, as well as her experience as a wonderful writer. Her blog is so superb, with interesting pictures, reviews and her consistent generosity at promoting other writers etc. 

Promoting these Blogs has been a great experience... Pass it on!  

World Bloggers Community...

http://worldbloggerscommunity.ning.com/profile/JaneEwen

What's Happening Today?

Today I'm learning to face my fears.....

Marcus Aurelius:

“If you are distressed by anything external,
the pain is not due to the thing itself,
but to your estimate of it;
and THIS you have the POWER to revoke at any moment“.

 I heard somewhere, ‘you gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do’ ~ I need to do this, so today I make a start on facing my fear….

Namaste

I Want Tomorrow...

Take my hand, I will find a way... Come-on I know we can do this! (Jane Ewen)

When you see your world change and from all appearances it seems to have changed forever (not necessarily in a good way) ... What you really, really want, is for somebody to tell you kindly, what you need to do... Looking back, I feel so lucky to have always found, it's been the little things in life that have moved me to the point of learning something valuable. The big things, even if these were way out of my reach, have never made me unhappy... When one bares their soul and talks tentatively about a taboo subject... Well, I’m not sure how you’d feel, but in my world that points favourably towards a genuine person, a person whose determination is so strong, that it speaks volumes on how important it is for them to help others during their walk along this juddering path some of us call life.  

At this time in my life... I find my world full of uncertainty, danger and I further find that all stressful situations challenge me, to a much higher degree than I might normally feel... it’s led me to become, completely overwhelmed by immense fear, panic, anxiety and stress.

If I’m honest, looking further back I guess it all started as a child, through no fault of my own I unknowingly became institutionalised. I grew up allowing others to control me; I didn’t develop a voice until much later in life, and to this day I believe had I had my child sooner, I would have developed a strength in me that naturally occurs when you hold your baby for the first time. 

It pains me to share that I’ve sadly succumbed to depression... There it’s out!  In my once bouncy, magical world of love and happiness, I’ve gone to a place I knew existed, but quite rightly refused to visit... Now here in that dark, dreary hole of a world... for months I’ve felt alone, I’ve blocked everyone out who wanted to help... I’ve pretended everything’s alright; I’ve said everything’s fine, but even I couldn’t ignore uncharacteristic behaviour. Which, sadly manifested in not answering the phone, isolating myself to the point of not living?  Apart from being with immediate family, I’ve managed to turn into the most unsociable person, and one thing’s for sure, THIS is not me... I love life, I love people, and I love the differences amongst us.

I think others will recognise this next statement...  In my other world, depression is for weak people, weak people who can’t cope. It’s sad that their seen to be weaklings; but these people let every little, stressful, situation... attach itself to them... They sink. On my current journey, I see that, yes maybe there are weak people, but I’ve also discovered this weakness I’m personally experiencing, has come after years and years of showing a lionesses strength, by swallowing, putting up with and ignoring vital, important signals that I’ve consistently squished, squashed and pushed away. Worst of all ignored... Well the time has finally come, it’s payday within the psyche of Jane Ewen... I do wonder if this has now transpired, because I find myself surrounded by so many wonderful people, and maybe, just maybe I feel that now I feel safe it’s time to face my demons and clear issues old and new.  

Writing is everything to me... however, if you do me the honour of following, I am sure you will see the difference between the amount of writing that’s currently taking place, in comparison to what I use to do, then you may understand, that for me, I need a place that’s not overwhelmed by all of the above... Please dont misunderstand, to write, I don’t need to be happy, No, but I do need to be in a place that allows my mind, body and spirit, the joy of using my imagination to flow with creative juices, thus enabling me to  magically visualise what I need to say, then hopefully, write in such a way that I manage to take you there with me... Well that’s the intention.

I suppose you see, that I couldn’t go on like this... I needed to sort it, stand up and proactively work on a much needed solution... as you may be aware, over the past twelve months I’ve tried several things to try and aid my progression towards the path, a path back to the person I feel I use to be.

I had an appointment yesterday... An appointment that‘s quite possibly sparked me back on the road to recovery... some of you out there will know how debilitating this condition can be, and once a sufferer... it’s hard to focus or even concentrate. Sadly it usually brings other problems which are just further symptoms of suffering stress, or even feeling distressed...  which I feel I have been for a while. So if you read this and think me weak, I ask that you please don’t judge anyone until you’ve been in their shoes... I’ve been honest, already I feel better, because for me one of the important things in all of this, is the love of my family and friends and the next important thing is my honesty in opening up and finally, genuinely sharing just part way of how I feel...

Yesterday I also scarily recognised, that if people in my life knew how I really felt, it would frighten them... Acknowledgement and writing have already helped; I feel uplifted, and hopefully the old I will return, going on to cope just like I use to.

I ask that you don’t worry, just please know I’m getting there, because the most positive thing to date, is this... it seems once you suffer from depression, you lose the ability to plan for the future. I’m happy to report that thankfully that particular skill is returning, and already I’m visualising some very special plans.  

Please don’t forget... Stay Close!

Thoughts for today...

Learn... Grow... Transform... We are all different... For me, it’s so incredibly important to be able to understand everything, including myself... It’s so important to know where I’ve come from and very importantly, where I’m going... With all that knowledge, I will feel safe knowing I’m doing my very best to embrace all that I am, and all that I will become.

Very strange day with a real sense of everything becoming extremely profound, probably due to how I’m feeling... (Neither up nor down) just balanced (for once) they do say that sometimes, thoughts and things, brings a certain equilibrium to the melting pot. The deeper I become, the more I sense those thoughts clearly ... But, for once, I’d like to keep my thoughts focused on a much calmer, more light hearted approach to how I feel...  

Errmmm... (I smile) wondering, is that at all possible? ~ I’m not sure, come on let’s see, I do promise you that I’ll try!   

Today two thoughts have figured strongly on what I see as my road to recovery... The first  for some strange reaso, is that I’ve been remembering people who’ve figured very strongly in my life... particularly, people who are no longer around, they were here, but now they’ve gone... I'll add hastily... not necessarily to the other side!  ;-) I don’t mind sharing with you that some of those people I truly loved, but I sit here content in the strong belief that they loved me just as much, and I wonder if thoughts on them today have been more a thread of wishful thinking, in terms of wishing they were still around. I suppose this has a lot to do with what I’m going through, however, I'm not saying I’m unhappy with the people who are in my life at present... not at all... just thoughts tumbling around whilst I speak out loud... which by the way I think I’m getting pretty good at, and funnily enough, these tumbling thoughts magically enable me to heal little ~ by little...  

This brings me to the second part of those thoughts... the reflection, that we should never be too quick to discount the effect that those around have on us, our time and our space...  this also has to include the impact that our own presence has on the lives of those around us. Sometimes I physically shudder when I suddenly see the whole picture... but on this occasion I gladly observe that even the person who sits in the corner unable to take part for whatever reason, even they have an effect on people in the room...  We all encompass the potential to have an immense impact on other people... So I never personally take it for granted that the person who walks into my life, won’t be important... hence the picture and statement above...

'When the student is ready ~ the teacher will appear’

To me this means... to be taught, one has to be ready to receive necessary information... if you’re ready, then doors will be open to acceptance, learning and very importantly understanding.

Today I spent quite some time thinking about what had gone before, and what it meant to me... Tomorrow I pray that my heart will no longer hang on to closed doors and ghostly images. I will be encouraged to let go gently, so that beautiful memories will help and be instrumental when I step closer to a bright future...  

Before I close, I’d like to take this wonderful opportunity to count all previous relationships and people as blessings, and then further wish those that are no longer in my life the very best of love, happiness and peace... Then looking out to all of you who are still in my life, I’d like to pray in wander and say ‘I love you all and I am so truthfully thankful that you are still with me’

Namaste.....

Wishes...

These thoughts are written from a pure heart and spoken with a deep love wrapped up in affection, directed towards every single, living being...  If your out there and receptive, wanting to learn without making the same mistakes I made, then read and learn, but also appreciate I realise everyone has to make their own mistakes, I grew up believing this to be so... but today I want to say... ok, go make your mistakes, but if its a mistake that I can point out for you to avoid simply because it involves family and friends, then I am sure you might listen... Even so, I'll continue knowing the choice will still be yours!

If you’re still there my friend and having a bad time, take it from me, don’t waste time on the He said, she said, He did, she did, syndrome... Too many years are wasted and can never be retrieved ... which unfortunately I’ve found to my cost, ultimately making me feel very sad... When we’re young we feel infallible... I did, I thought I’d never age; I very rarely looked at the bigger picture or to any insensitivity or my selfishness or even a lack of thought... I never actually sat down and thought about the effect my decisions would have on others, well not long term anyway... Don’t worry I’m not beating myself up, just thinking out loud! At present I see so clearly, it's as if a veil's been lifted and for me right now, I super sense if I’m able to pass this wisdom on to just one person, then it will all be worth while... Again, If it’s fixable...Please, fix it, life is so precious, and this is it!

Although I feel no different inside in terms of when I was younger, I also totally sense my spirit is ageless, I mega understand I wasted so much time, I also put precious energy into the wrong things...  Blamed others, pointed the finger, believing I was always right...

How many times do we say, I wish? I know if I had a penny, for every time I’d uttered these wistful words, I’m convinced, I’d be a millionaire by now...  Today, I dedicate this gorgeous song along with these tender words, to a special sister, in the knowledge that sometimes life surprises us all, because on occasion WiShES ~ do and can come true. It’s quite a warm, restful feeling, knowing the chances are that maybe something once thought out of our grasp, actually is closer than we ever thought possible.

Life’s a funny old thing, opening and closing doors the way it does... My deep Wish today is that I will continue to develop, improve and embrace each new day, recognising every tiny blessing, ensuring I can pass on a deep love with respect and affection to all my family and friends.... As so often happens in life when one experiences certain conditions that occasionally become overwhelming and unbearable, its heart-warming to feel, even if for the briefest moment, that potentially a dream may possibly come true, and even if it doesn’t... you clearly understand that at least the opportunity came for us to make things right... 

I hope I don’t ask to much when I request that you stay close!  

Tears of an Angel...

Tears of an Angel... My most favourite song in the whole world... The haunting melody and words do something to my very soul.

I know I’m capable of imagining good things, I can also imagine the very worst...  but, the one thing I know for sure is that this beautiful song, reminds me so much of my siblings, my life including our irretrievable, sad loss of time, space and people.  

The beginning of the song ‘Cover my eyes, cover my ears, tell me these words are a lie’... Reminds me of all the times I did exactly that! I would cover my face with little hands then pretend I couldn’t be seen... I was safe; difficulties in life would melt away as I would imagine a better, more different life... I know now it’s that what saved me, and made it possible for a little girl to fantasise about things, events, people, places, and a possible, shiny, bright future... I magically made myself believe the unbelievable.  Today I’d imagine, professionals would label a child like this ‘resilient’ back then I didn’t realise I was doing this, until of course I got older and started having flashbacks... My heart would break for the little girl who always felt she was never allowed to be the person she wanted to be.

Today as I listen to the song, I realise, if I’d been born into a better life... meaning, if I’d had both parents and a loving home, the chances are I would have ended up like the ‘Little Princess’ losing it all, and going on to live a life that I would always feel... was not mine... I also know beyond any shadow of doubt, In this life I was meant to struggle, this was my lot...

Looking at the bigger picture and understanding more as I got older, my experiences were needed, so that I would have the deepest possible empathy with all living beings... the good thing in all of this and yes there are good things... is that despite much hardship, and a few knocks here and there... I always managed to recall, there seemed to be a beautiful thread of magic, shimmering here and there in the background, and even when the going got tough, I would usually sense a flicker of thought, that no matter what, all would be well.  

The good thing about sad childhood memories is that small people get bigger, it’s then we fully realise that at some point we’ll be in charge, we’ll make choices.

Regardless of the fact that I always longed to be a Princess, I see myself now as the fortunate one, because I'm blessed to have two very beautiful, loving princesses who are in my world every single day.  

Right now all I ask is that you please accept my blessings with good wishes and stay close...

Derek's Home and Business Blog

Derek's Home and Business Blog

Forgiveness...

I do not have a picture of you... I’ve never needed one, because through red-hot rages of persistent disappointments and timeless regret, I’ve always managed to picture you inside my head.... Do you remember once upon a long time ago, you let me brush your beautiful hair? That particular poignant memory has lasted a life-time.

It appears I’m too late with my notion of Forgiveness... My mother is now past the point of no return. Inside my mind I know with that darkness a certain light will die. In the stillness just before death when she takes her last and final breath, I wonder if I’ll know... Will I sense it? ~ Will I finally feel any connection break? ~ At the moment I feel desperately empty, I feel a sense of loss for what could have and should have been. My hope will be that she’ll recognise from my perception, that despite the past, her future in the beyond will be all-forgiving...

Nevertheless Madge, just to reiterate from the deepest depths of my heart, body and soul... I forgive you... With my forgiveness; I send such special love with an expectation that it will accompany you on your next journey. I’m so truly sorry that in this life it did not work out for us all. My inner being knows, for you, this has had to have been a very hard lesson. Maybe that’s why you’re going the way you are... your memory’s been wiped clean, your thoughts are now on your own particular present, here and now... I suspect your thoughts won’t last any longer than it took for you to think about them. I can’t help wondering if in your final days your heart will feel happiness, or even if your mind will be capable or even able, to feel any joy should you look out the window and glimpse a familiar face... Will this be a sad way for you to leave this world? or will you know nothing as your steady, rhythmic breath grows less and less, leaving your spirit to go when it is ready...  I also wonder if at the moment of death, will your mind become free and will you then suddenly realise your devastating, wasted loss?

Take care Mum; continue to be taught for I refuse to accept that you did not learn from your journey here. It is said we make our own Karma... It’s my belief that although we do not usually take vivid memories to the next life, we certainly have a bank account of different types of reserved Karma, which I also believe accompanies us through-out many lives of necessary learning... My heartfelt hope for you is that any bad Karma, will be greatly reduced with any forgiveness of the past.

Although I will think of you often, I'm sure I will always have a deep heartfelt wish, that my sister, brothers and myself had been blessed with a loving mother... One who'd managed to keep us safe and loved, but on my own journey I’ve sadly discovered this was not to be for us, or you, and it would unquestionably not do any good to hold on to any bad feelings... I do not want you to suffer. I figure the way it’s turned out is penance enough.  With my final salute I stand proud, neck bent; head gently bowed with hands folded in prayer.

Who knows, maybe one day we’ll get to meet again!

Namaste and safe journey...

The True Meaning Of Christmas...

When I read the story below ‘Teach the children’ (Author Unknown) ~ I’ve re-edited slightly... I immediately felt a powerful sense of remembrance, that sometimes we forget the real meaning of Christmas. We get caught up in all the hype, the pressure, the rush, the push, the mush, and demands, wanting to do the best we can for families and friends, but, it's also worth remembering... some of us may miss that golden opportunity to remind ourselves, this is the absolute, perfect opportunity to downsize the scale of this particularly beautiful story to use to our advantage, promoting it in an age appropriate way to simply put the message across of the true meaning of Christmas, to our children and young people. And right now, this is just about the right time to share this beautiful story of some of the reasons we celebrate and embrace the magic of Christmas... Despite some of us forgetting the meaning, I also have to add  on my journey I've always witnessed a delight in others in the giving and receiving.  

Teach the children.

I was locking the house for the night, when I heard a noise from the front of the house, I opened the door to the front room and to my surprise, Santa himself stepped out from behind the Christmas tree, he placed his finger over his mouth, Shhhhhhhhh.

What are you doing?!! I started to ask.

The words choked in my throat, as I observed he had tears in his eyes. His usual jovial manner had disappeared, and gone was the eager boisterous character we all know; he then answered in a simple statement, teach the children.

I was puzzled, what did he mean? He guessed my question, and with one swift movement, he pulled a miniature toy bag from behind the tree, as I stood puzzled? He said teach the children! Teach the old meaning of Christmas, the meaning that ‘now-a-days Christmas’ has forgotten.

Santa then reached into his bag, and pulled out a fir tree and put it in front of the fireplace.

Teach the children that the pure green colour of the stately tree remains green all year round, representing the everlasting hope of all mankind, all the needles point heavenward, making it a symbol of mans thoughts turning toward heaven,

He then reached into his bag again, and pulled out a brilliant star.

Teach the children that the star was a heavenly sign of promises long ago, god promised a saviour for the world, and the star was the sign of fulfillment of his promise,

He again reached inside his bag and pulled out a candle,

Teach the children, that the candle symbolises that Christ is the light of the world, and when we see this great light we are reminded of Jesus, who fills our lives with light,

Once again he reached into his bag and pulled out a wreath, placing it on the tree.

Teach the children, that the wreath symbolises the real nature of love, real love never ceases, like god’s love, no beginning or end.

He then pulled out an ornament of himself.

Teach the children that I, Santa Clause, symbolise the generosity and kindness we all feel in the month December.

Once again he reached into his bag and pulled out a holly leaf.

Teach the children, that the holly plant represents immortality, it represents the crown of thorns worn by our saviour, the red holly represents his blood, shed by him,

Next he pulled out a gift, and said

Teach the children, that god so loved the world, he gave us his only son, we thank god for his very special gift,

Teach the children, that the wise men bowed before the holy baby and gave him gifts, of gold, frankincense and myrrh, we should always give gifts in the same spirit as the wise men.

Santa then reached into his sack and pulled out a sugar cane and hung it on the tree,

Teach the children that the sugar cane represents the shepherds crook, the crook on the staff helps to bring back lost sheep to the flock.

He reached in again, and pulled out an angel.

Teach the children, that it was the angels who announced the glorious saviours birth, the angels sang glory to god in the highest, on earth peace and goodwill toward men,

Suddenly I heard the softest tinkling sound, and from his bag he pulled a bell.

Teach the children, that as the lost sheep are found by the sound from the bell, it  should ring to guide us to god, the bell symbolises guidance and return, it reminds us that we are all precious in the eyes of god,

Santa looked back and was pleased, I saw the twinkle in his eyes as he said,

Remember teach the children, the true meaning of Christmas, do not put me in the centre, for I am but a humble servant of the one that is, and I bow down to worship him, our lord! Our god!

I would like to wish you all a very Happy Christmas, a bright new year with peace & love in your world.

Namaste: Stay Close!  

For me...

Not many people know what life has in store ~ in my opinion and being completely honest, it’s a damn good job!

Sometimes we can go through the most devastating circumstances, and then find we go on to struggle with the most inconceivable challenges.

I write to remind myself of some of the many blessings I have in life.... Occasionally though, the gloom and darkness have obscured what was evident... So for me I write this as a permanent reminder that despite what we go through... there is still much to be happy and content about.

Right now a big thing for me is to be in a position to thankfully share how privileged I am to be in-love, sincerely appreciating how that love feels and what it essentially means. I’m also aware of and will never forget that long ago, sad intense, crappy feelings around wanting love and remembering how sorrowful it made me feel when it was not present in my life. I also remember being in the rather lonely position of experiencing incredible, beautiful, lovable feelings, happily knowing when I found the right person who ticked all my boxes, then my invisible trusty list of wants, needs and must haves, would at last be engaged with (together) as if it were law... a law that had been written with-in a certified and magical legal contract, written by the lord of all fairness himself.

I think it’s worth a mention that I have friends who are just as happy in beautiful, meaningful relationships and some just as happy out of them. I also have friends who are not happy living their single life.  I have to add, it’s the friends who are not happy but never say anything that have inspired me to write, sharing my thoughts... I have a deep empathy for them, because after concentrating on my reflections recently, I know I’ve walked uncomfortably in their shoes.  I especially know how it feels to want something so bad that you clearly comprehend that once you have it; you’ll treasure it forever, why? Because it’s your deepest, dearest wish, to walk a path where there are clearly two sets of footprints.  I'd like to think after reading this, they will embrace the fact that even when one thinks it wont happen, it can and often does...

I’m fortunate to have a diverse range of friends, I understand being in a relationship is not for everybody, nor is it what everybody wants, but throughout life I’ve always recognised I never wanted to be alone...  However after saying that, I reluctantly but thankfully spent time alone and although it wasn’t for me, I did learn a heck of a lot about myself. It was a good time, where I managed to heal and get rid of unnecessary baggage. I later realised I’d got myself into quite a good position, where if I met the right person then I was more than ready... No hang-ups, or Pre-Ex issues, just a nice lady waiting for the right guy who would also be raring to go for an honest, genuine relationship.

Don’t get me wrong though, I did spend a little time coming across individuals who had strange morals, unsavory behaviour and very different needs...  I use to ask my friend, how do you know you've met the right one, all she would say is "You will know" she was absolutely right!  Then one fine day... a day I thought would never happen ... happened!

I think its appropriate the Blog 'You were meant for me'  is worth a mention. A beautiful reminder of the perfect moment!

http://angeljanesworld.blogspot.com/2010/08/you-were-meant-for-me.html 

I get teary eyed when I thank my lucky stars, knowing I'm fortunate enough to be able to share this life... Maybe it’s not perfect, but you know what? it’s as perfect as we can make it...

Dont forget... Stay Close!

Fantastic Prize @Ewen's In Blackburn Market

Christmas is coming and we know this will help ~ I spy with my little eye something beginning with.... Check out the 'Magic Word' which is being run in conjunction with www.blackburnlife.com at Ewen's Butchers In the new BlackburnMarket where a warm welcome is waiting...

http://www.blackburnlife.com/2011/11/fantastic-prize-at-ewens-butchers-in-blackburn-market-competition/

A Change of Heart...

Dedicated to my Sister and Brothers... In our early years we sadly missed out on so much, all of which was out of our control... in coming almost full circle I know individually we’ve  gathered life experiences separately... but, in becoming aware of all the info and clearly seeing history, I rejoice because it is us who really are the lucky ones! 

I realise some might not agree with my findings, but please remember I write from my own perspective...

I have learned that the happiness and wellbeing of others dictates I have to let certain, long standing issues go... I know till recently the biggest issue for most of my life is the fact I did not have a proper mother... Recently I made a decision that’s both shocked and surprised me, but I suppose what’s been instrumental in helping me make this long, overdue decision, is a number of things that I’d like to especially share with my siblings.

Recently I was sadly advised our biological mother had been struck with an awful degenerative disease Senile-Dementia...  I’m not sure if I can articulate or express how I feel into words.

My thoughts, my feelings and how I feel... when I was told I was strangely calm, yet I felt a penetrating sadness. If there’d been the slightest chance of proper closure then I knew it had transpired within the blink of my own heartbeat and mores’ to the point, disappointingly without our mother’s input. Due to her illness, I also grasped it would never happen due to what would be her dramatic loss of memory...  I felt for myself and my siblings... I also felt for her beautiful grandchildren. What a crying shame to leave this beautiful world neither knowing nor learning.   

My heart is heavy...  if there’d been any possibility of two hearts and minds triumphantly coming together to address the past, share history, discover the family I’d never known... Now it would be gone forever!

For seven days and seven nights I thought about what we’d lost as individuals and as a family... Then it hit me ~ whilst reading my Buddah teachings, listening to the sincerity of their wise words of wisdom, I knew with crystal precision which filled me with joy... I wanted to forgive the mother who’d never been a mother. For the first time ever I truly felt for a lost mother, who’d unfortunately never joyfully lived to know unconditional love and affection from her own beautiful children and grandchildren. 

From beyond the unknown, I was overwhelmed with the knowledge and a deep sense of the right thing to do.

All those years of wasted energy we’d both demonstrated by concentrating on pointless negativity, the blame, finger pointing... Yes I know stuff happened, hurtful, damaging stuff, which sadly ended in five children being taken into care. But, we were lucky, some kids don’t make it, some kids don’t even have food or water or a place to live.

For me the time is right to forgive. At last I’m ready to genuinely look towards my Mother, smile with no hatred hiding in my heart. I’d like to hold her hand look into her eyes and tell her honestly that I, her eldest daughter follow a different path, and I wish her nothing but happiness and peace of mind.

If I could accomplish this the joy would be mine and I would pray she would feel complete forgiveness to take with her to the next life, where hopefully she will become the best mother ever.

I’ve read ‘Senile Dementia’ is a cruel illness; I believe the blessing for my mother will be that she’ll stop feeling guilty and have no bad memories of any wrong doing, mistakes or lost children.  

There is no better feeling than the feeling of helping another living-being.

For so long I’ve felt bad and for good reason, but, the time has come to think differently and deal with certain situations if I’m to help support and apply positive effort for the best possible outcome.

As my journey continues, my wish is that no matter what, you'll stay with me! 

Namaste  

Just For You

I dedicate this post to those of you I’ve not been in touch with... I know that sometimes silence is a necessity; it allows a person time to heal and gather their strength which is necessary for recovery... Thank you for being there and despite my silence I’ve been grateful for your kind words and thoughts...

"Strength does not come from winning. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength." Mahatma Gandhi

In life when things change too much or too quickly, there can be the possibility of it becoming overly complicated, even stressful. I recently read an article that stated if you think back a year or two and think about how much extra responsibility you’ve got? You may well find you have too much stuff going on or even too many possessions including, projects and commitments. I did this and listed down all the changes in my life over the last few years and realised surprisingly, for someone who doesn’t like change a lot happened… As some of you may know, not all of it for the good… Also I feel it’s worth mentioning, as much as I share I also possess a silent side and quite rightly there’s the private stuff I keep for me and my lovely man.

If I had to describe it, I’d say for me it’s been like watching a mountain being built and trying to figure out how you can deal with each individual issue, as the mountain grows, its foundations crumble… The fragility of it all penetrates your soul; sadly you’re left feeling the fall-out with a vulnerability that’s concerning enough to make you want to crawl away until it all stops dead.   

I’ve found my dislike of change reduces my focus, increases stress levels and usually lowers my performance. I’ve been known to take on too much… Oh you know what it’s like, we have good intentions, but, if that stress button lights up, then it becomes difficult and unmanageable…

Over the past few months I’ve discovered, I don’t let go of things easily… I realise this is not a good thing!  The last 3-4 weeks with extra support I’ve learnt to cut down on stuff like projects, plans and possessions. I know this has been the busiest year of my life and although I knew there would be lots of changes, I felt confident I would cope and I was doing ok until my beautiful girl’s condition became worse, then everything seemed to go out the window and all the questions which surged from my core, overwhelmed me completely, leaving me reeling. I also know what didn’t help was my lack of positivity. The change in me became significant enough to overshadow everything I once believed in.  The last two weeks I’m pleased to say, have been positive in that I’ve managed to make a start on changing my thinking… I’ll quickly add it’s an ongoing project and I have to be honest with you, it’s damn hard…  This change is necessary; it will benefit not just me, but my family and friends as I’ve become well aware that they really worry over me. The differences they’ve witnessed over the last two years have caused further anxiety… Now that my thinking’s become less cloudy, I know I’ve missed so much stuff. Not only have I missed within my personal life I’ve also missed out on work colleagues… I have every intention of catching up and soon!

We all know life’s unpredictable, if I had any advice, it would be... YOU have to come first, so look after your-self… if you let yourself drop into the darkness then it’s very hard to lift yourself out, especially my friend if your questions remain unanswered.  I’ve gathered from this experience, nothing lasts forever but, the positivity here is that family and friends who have remained in contact despite not receiving anything back, has shown me by reinforcing that there are some beautiful people on this planet and for that blessing, I will always be truly thankful.

Namaste..... X

Thankfulness and Beyond

It’s always so nice to receive thanks for things we say or do. It fills us with fuzzy warmth that is deeply comforting, reaffirming, we did the right thing... Everyone likes to be thanked and not surprisingly, no one ever gets tired of it...

As some of you may already know the past 2 years have been especially hard and at this point that struggle continues... On this beautiful Sunday afternoon, my reason for writing and sharing this post is quite simply to look at you all, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words and thoughts, not forgetting physical, emotional and virtual-cyber support... some of you will never know how deeply you‘ve touched me and subsequently my family.  

Family, friends and yes, even strangers have reached out and touched my heart. I believe gratitude is the most exquisite form of courtesy and as long as I can feel that, I will continue to sense our connection.  It’s so important to be able to share this deeper element of oneself.  I came to know this truth from experience... once upon a long time ago; I let someone leave this wonderful planet without telling them how I really felt.  Alarmingly the finalisation of that frustrating knowledge, eventually helped me understand that being oneself, sharing ones heart and being the real you with genuineness, is really what’s important for the here, now and future....Unfortunately, on my travels I‘ve come across individuals who have disbelieved sincerity, who’ve sadly gone on to disconnect all ties under many false illusions with their unrealistic ideas of what is actually fact, truth or fiction... Like anyone this could have happened to, we know the awful injustice will remain for as long as we are, because, the unfairness of it strikes deep within our hearts and we know we have lost something that could have been so beautiful and wretchedly we grasp with clarity, the fact that we’ll never be able to recapture lost time or potential precious memories.
As usual I’ve veered off the track, because in thanking others it sorrowfully reminds me of the past... My family mean so much to me, I am always full of regret when I remember we are not all together and yet, I know they are there...

I want to end on a huge positive so I will continue with this thought...

I'm where I should be. My world, although not perfect is as perfect as can transpire... I've learned and continue to learn much and I especially know with crystal clear understanding, being here for my family and friends is where I want to be... I know you know that nothing is perfect, so live your life, dream your dreams and remember, be yourself with a genuineness that won’t compare...  

Oh and guys... Thanks again!

The Final Maltese Chronicle 2010 Part 7

Friday 3^rd Dec 2010:

As long as I live, I know that I’ll never be able to capture the words to describe the final, complete and exquisite magic which happened within the confines of our Maltese Hotel, on our last evening together...

Oh What A Glorious Day!

Little did we know just how magnificently this beautiful day would end? With sad hearts we rose knowing this was our last day...

On entering the dining room for breakfast all four of us visibly brighten as guests and hotel staff shout good morning greetings, waving at four ladies from England. Waving back we take great pleasure in reminding them they’re in for a real treat this evening, tonight, we squeal is fancy dress. Genuine Warm smiles mixed with laughter follow us as we go to choose breakfast.
Several days earlier we’d decided, Friday was going to be our chilling day, a last day to try and capture more Maltese rays of warm sun-shine, but unfortunately it was cloudy with spit spots of threatening rain.

After breakfast, the four of us stood in front of our hotel, its splendid window frontage overlooking a most wonderful view of the sea. Silence pulsates between us as we all stood within our own dream world. It was Charlotte who broke into the moment...
“I know, let’s go shopping” 

Four sets of eyes need no further persuasion... four hours later found four shattered females flopping down into a favourite  snack bar as we order, delicious chicken and mushroom bakes ~ beer, wine and sangria... I exhaled as I heard Gypsy Kings playing in the background.  Giggling, toe tapping and much chatter continued to keep us busy as we explore the night ahead. 

Sixty minutes later, walking back to our hotel, thoughts of sunbathing in the rain ~ more laughter!
On a wet sunbathing terrace it wasn’t hard to see, sunbathing was definitely not order of the day ~ guests weren’t around, staff laughed and waved when they witnessed us covered in beach towels, lying on sun loungers with sun brollies up... enjoying the last few hours of warm daylight. We knew going back to England tomorrow we’d be returning to snow and a rather drastic plummet in temperatures.

Drinks ordered, we lay on sun beds when the lovely Selina joined us. 

“Where are you all eating tonight?” Selina wanted to know

“We’ve booked into the Chinese for our last meal” I returned misty eyed.

“We’ve invited Frank” Samantha said.

Ninety years young, Frank was such a good guy, a true gent and a delight to be around.
When we walked into our favourite Chinese restaurant that evening, guests and staff could not believe their eyes.  We had little red riding hood (Charlotte) A super sexy bunny (Miranda) a first sexy class airline pilot (Samantha) and me... a masquerade-ball princess. As we walked through for our meal, Frank had the biggest smile. Cheekily I whisper to him that he was behaving like and just reminded me of Charlie with his angels; this simply made his grin deepen. If I say this was the beginning to a hugely wonderful evening, I truly didn’t realise at that point how absolutely amazing it was going to be.

As we wait for starters, music, laughter and cheerfulness emanates throughout the restaurant. It was only when we felt a gentle breeze blow towards our table; we knew someone had entered the restaurant... Imagine our surprise when the hotel manager approached our table laughing, holding up a cat mask he said
“Selina has sent me to see you” He spent a few moments chatting and sharing with us that he felt we’d been good sports all week and the hotel, its guests had appreciated our company... He further said that he would appreciate it if we’d join him for drinks later! 

The four of us were kind of speechless after he left... to have been thanked by the manager him-self was truly a compliment and an honour...
The rest of dinner was fabulous, loads of gorgeous food, copious amounts to drink, all made for a truly magical beginning to what was to become an outstanding night.

Walking slowly back I kept thinking how wonderful we all look and how delighted Frank was at escorting us ladies back to the most beautiful bar in the world. Personally I felt so happy, I wanted to hug myself and everyone else around me. We walked slowly due to Frank’s age, walking slowly also had perks... In a world of my own, I looked at my friends and realised how much I truly loved each and every one of them with their complete acceptance of most of what I might say, my thoughts made me emotional. As we walked further through our beautiful hotel grounds and its immense corridors, the black and whiteness of its marble reminds me just how gorgeous our surroundings are... As I Listen to my huge masquerade ball gown swishhhhh along marble, I know my heart forever keeps, holds, and locks in tight irreplaceable memories from our week in Malta... I also know my mask hides misty eyes that glisten enough to bring my girls rushing towards me, luxuriously, allowing me the time to hold them tight for a whole five minutes... then realising they were getting worried I laughed, come on... last one to the bar buys the drinks... that was more than enough to kick start all of us (except Frank of course) into the well known bar run...  
Unfortunately Miranda came last and then moaned and moaned the whole way through ordering our round of drinks... Smiling at her irritation, I looked about the room it looked so beautiful, everything glistened and that’s when I see the strictly come dancing team, rush over towards us...

As they all push closer to look...

“Oh girls you look absolutely wonderful”...

The mood feels beautiful, people are happy; music blares... it’s going to be a brilliant night.
The dancing’s wonderful. We’re all up; the music’s taking us there... mind-you, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, as we all know, drink helps.

Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte, Selina and I were up and it felt great. The atmosphere pure electric, the place filled up fast and the bar, buzzed, mega busy.  The DJ started taking requests and the whole of the bar started to join in a circle, a circle that grew and grew... through the flashing lights the music started up and I heard Frank Sinatra’s voice call, New York New York... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-ZUXQuFcnw  The atmosphere twitched and trembled as every single person in that bar joined hands and started dancing in an unbroken circle, the smiles, the ambience hit everyone... kicking legs high we sang with Frank Sinatra and as New York ,New York faded, the girls and I went to the stage eager and happy to address the crowd, telling them we’d had a fabulous week and although we were really sorry to be going...  the memories we would take with us, would never fade... We called Frank over and thanked him for looking after us... his eyes misted as he thanked us back, saying he’d really enjoyed our company and was sad we were leaving. Individuals were coming up and hugging us and saying goodnight and goodbye...
Phew I said, how the heck do you beat this? “You don’t” whispered Miranda.

A restless night and a sad journey home... but once again, at Manchester airport despite our sadness at leaving Malta, we rejoiced at landing on familiar territory. As I kissed and dropped my last friend off I put my foot down in a bid to reunite with my beautiful man...

Will I go to Malta again? I don’t think so; you cannot expect to repeat perfection a second time around!

THE END

Meditation and the Journey.

Today I learned... Buddha is a complete way of life, concerned with the wholesome development of the individual. In the words of Buddha himself: Learn to do good, Cease to do harm, Control the mind, and Benefit others. These are principles I try to live by, but being tutored feels especially beneficial in helping my understanding of things that I questioned before.

Not being completely sure what to expect from my pre-booked meditation class, I arrived at the school, parked up quickly then as I stepped out of the car I felt the nerves begin to twitch. Hurrying through the school car park, no clue where to gain entrance, I saw the back of a lonely figure a few yards ahead of me. Calling out... the young lady turned and without taking breath I asked where K Block was, she smiled and said she had no idea then asked where I wanted to go... Meditation, I said breathlessly, aha she smiled that’s where I am going.  As if by magic, I now had someone to walk into class with. All day I had been anxious and dreaded the very thought of walking in alone. It was almost like my prayers had been answered. Good start I thought!

The room not as I imagined a meditation-room to be was an ordinary class-room the students used for drama. There were film posters around the walls, books and tapes. I observed the seated individuals and yes despite my surroundings, I sensed something very calm about the room and its occupants.

Welcoming the class our teacher introduced herself. We spent the first part of our time with a prayer and then with a teaching on different levels of ‘happiness and love’ and what that meant in terms of how we perceived and dealt with these emotions. There was a lot more to it and I felt the teacher explained herself very well... despite me never having attended before, I had a clear grasp on what she was saying and it all made perfect sense to me. I felt like I’d been here before and I understood the concept of the message and at that point I felt a warmth begin to spread inside of me. Previously I’d worried I wouldn’t understand, and yet here I was in a new class, I felt completely at home. I knew I had made the right decision to attend.

Our first mediation about to begin... I felt incredibly nervous and I wanted to laugh... My teacher told us to relax, place both feet flat on the floor and hold our hands in our laps, whichever way felt comfortable, and to help stop hands from moving we were to hold our thumbs close together. Throughout the first meditation all I heard was her soft soothing voice. I have to admit, I kept opening my eyes, thoughts kept breaking through. I felt frustrated knowing this is just what happens at home, I’m never going to be able to quieten my mind I thought negatively. There was a further Buddha teaching, which I found very interesting, it made me think of the possibilities of these new thoughts, especially now they were being explained to me. We then had a second meditation this was called a ‘Contemplation Meditation’ by this time I felt more comfortable and felt able to relax. Throughout I concentrated on my breath... My teacher told us if you find thoughts invading your mind; concentrate on the breath as you inhale through your nostrils... Each and every time those thoughts penetrated, I immediately took myself to the breath and it worked... so much so, I almost fell asleep and experienced a complete blankness which had an amazing affect on me. As long as I have lived, that’s never happened. I have never been able to have nothing on my mind...   After ‘Contemplation Meditation’ we got to chat to each other over coffee. I further discovered all of the participants had been doing meditation for a couple of years and longer... they were friendly and I didn’t feel awkward.

I also learned how Buddhism teaches us to overcome problems and difficulties by understanding and overcoming their causes. I understood from discussion that normally we look outwards for answers to problems, Buddha teaches us to look inwards. He shows how feelings of dissatisfaction arise from negative states of mind. He offers methods to eliminate these by developing generosity, compassion, wisdom and other positive states of mind. Cultivating these qualities, we discover an inner state of peace and strength.

Throughout the two hours in class and further reading, I learned the word Buddha means ‘Awakened One’ A Buddha is one who has awakened from an ignorant sleep, sees things as they really are and is free from faults and mental obstructions.

The Buddha school I attend encourages people from all ethnic backgrounds to adopt the wisdom and compassion of Buddha and to put it into practice in a way that suits their particular culture...

After all I have seen and felt over the last twenty-four hours ... My passion rises to unknown heights and although I know this is probably ludicrous to some. It will be magical to others...

Be true to yourself and don’t be afraid to explore unknown depths.

Stay with me ~ Namaste

This Beautiful Mad, Mad World...

Remember whilst reading this article... It’s been said many times ‘You have to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before you really experience what they are going through’ we are powerful; with every thought, word, choice and action, we determine our future and how we perceive the world and its inhabitants... I want to see my world differently before it’s my turn to get off... I want to know I did everything right and to the best of my ability... I cannot over emphasise the importance of engaging at as many levels as possible, to purely attain your own knowledge and understanding to see and support the connection between us all, and there is a connection, a beautiful one that needs a little understanding to help us focus on the correct way to do things...  

As you read these words some individuals are on the internet busily networking or browsing for a better life. Other individuals are @ the gym, others are out shopping possibly passing a homeless person begging for their living. Parents are driving children to school or taking them to appointments; others remain at home searching job papers or sadly sat in a chair depressed at the very thought of going to work or simply living their life.

Whilst we may be aware that everyone is different, the same questions press through hearts and minds ‘How can I live today, where can I look to have a sense of well-being when my life it is dissolving right in front of me? How can I find the happiness I use to feel in this unreliable, unpredictable world? Where might I find peace of mind I desperately yearn? I share this, hoping to stop others from rushing around in this mad, mad world... it’s so important to see where you’re going, what you’re doing and why! Sensing those reasons as well as remembering this life is for living.  Your physical and mental survival is important. So is the realisation that we are not just here for ourselves, it’s terribly important how we live, love, share and experience life... these essential skills impact on just about everything, who we are and what we do...  

I've become aware that I’m going through some sort of transition... I have this incredible feeling that this should have happened many moons ago, but, for whatever reason I realise clearly I managed to put it off... Now my yellow brick road is moving again and I have a clear sense of change... hopefully it will be for the better!

Knowing I have company on this journey is comforting... because even if you don’t talk to me, I know you're there!

I enjoy reading positive affirmations to encourage me on my life’s path... I’ve always magically known, within all human-beings there lie’s a seed of enlightenment but, I also understand intuitively we have to be in the right place at the right time and just for added measure, be experiencing certain conditions for it to sprout... I’ve come to believe that self-actualisation is a powerful process and in embracing this we learn so much about ourselves in the process... This experience is not just for me, and willingly I share my all in the hope that I help someone else on this sometimes bumpy journey. 

To me self-empowerment will raise many questions as well as bring answers,  joy, and I suspect I will realise the me I am, the me I want to be, and the me I’m meant to embrace... if I manage to bring with that clarity more power to love, give, reward, share joyfulness, contentment, peace, healing, acceptance, genuine unconditional thoughts and attain a deeper wisdom then I will be happy to simply understand what all of that means, and share my experiences of attaining such beauty within my life...  I also know I have been through much and sadly I have to contain such sadness which I've grown to understand further enables a person to become a much stronger character... It also means I don’t have a problem talking about or understanding my own weaknesses, my faults, strengths etc...  Knowing I have done something about them is half way to reaching my goals of which I have many.

Please, stay with me!