The Loft...

I recently read a quote by C.S Lewis:

 “I never exactly made a book. It’s rather like taking diction. I was given things to say.”

 I identify with his words, so much so, I have a space in my own land of make-believe!  

For quite a long time I’ve been creating characters, it’s got to the point where they talk to me, and dreamlike they make my stories seem real. Once created these characters are as authentic to me as family.  Early on I realised I needed a place to keep my personalities, somewhere they would be safe, and comfortable... so a lounge in the Loft of my mind was formed. My characters appear especially when I’m asleep, and sometimes, they come when I’m not even writing, a figure often appears in my mind’s eye, and it’s as if they were waiting in the shadows prior to stepping forward into the light. Sometimes when I’m driving the most amazing individual will materialise. When I do use those wonderful characters from the loft of my mind, it is they who speak, and like C.S. Lewis quite clearly states, I am also given things to say...

I have a facebook writer’s page: https://www.facebook.com/Jane.Ewen?ref=hl#!/Jane.Ewen which I write in daily, and recently I published a few posts just to give my readers a flavour, and hopefully a comprehensible sense of these delightful, and some not so delightful characters, and their instances... My included posts are tiny snippets of what has recently happened, and how I have dealt with them.

No. 1.

In the gloom they reach out to me...

Snoring gently, it doesn't take long for the characters that live in the loft of my mind to shake me awake. They demand attention... Rolling over I successfully manage to block out their unwelcome noise, and as I drift back to sleep, I very quickly step into dream world. Straining to see through swirling fog I glimpse a strange-looking couple who walk towards me with determination. It’s strange, but I know these two, and I sense they’re going to be important to my future in the writing world. They smile a smile that I would imagine is usually saved for the criminally-insane. Their rhythmic walk is obviously to their own beat. Their attire is from a bygone age. The hair on the back of my neck stands on end giving me a shivering shudder, which clearly tells me, all is not going to be well. Opening my eyes the fog clears, and as my trusty characters stand before me shaking their heads, we all witness the unsavoury couple step inside the double door of our loft... This is not good, and as I look towards my characters for support, they slowly step back into the shadows. I look into the lounge, and see the couple with their insane smiles fall backward onto the lofts leather sofas...

Ooh dear, it really is time to leave...

~ Jane Ewen ~

No. 2.

In the loft of my mind this morning...

The odd couple’s apparently missing; the atmosphere is tense, and a note lies strewn across the coffee table... It says,

'Be prepared'

l look up just in time to see my beloved characters, once again, step back into the gloomy shadows... For a second it all feels unreal, and then I realise the experience is like enjoying each scene as if watching the big screen. There is only one problem... I know the odd couple’s not missing, they are merely hiding!  

~ Jane Ewen ~

No. 3.

So much noise, the loft is banging tonight...

Delirious with exhaustion I gulp deep breaths of cinnamon scented air. With much annoyance, and immense irritation I stand to go and see what the hell is going on.

With bare feet I pound up each terracotta step, I reach double doors to the loft of my mind, and up to now this is where my characters have shared a lounge they call the loft.

I could really do without this... It’s been the longest day. All I want to do is rest, but no, they’re at it again. This is not acceptable, and these interruptions are starting to become customary.

I wonder what their excuse will be this time.

Pushing open the doors which shine silver and gold, I’m greeted by the newest character whose long black hair and tiny shoulders explode right into me; I grab her tiny frame to prevent her from falling over. Looking down I witness the relief in her eyes as she sees me.

“What the hell is going on?”

“Jane oh my god I am so relieved to see you, the odd couple are causing much distress... I thought I’d be able to handle them, but they cause much fear in the rest of the residents”

Pushing her back into the lounge I look around... the shadows are darker than I remember, however I’m able to see the scuffle of my guests as they huddle in the darkness.

“Where are they” I whisper...

“They have moved the sofa into the furthest recess where the light never touches, and they consistently growl at us, which is causing much concern”

I didn’t like this couple when they appeared, but my instincts knew they would eventually be needed, however the disruption is becoming abysmal... A heavy oppressive feel was in the air.

“Please Jane is there anything you can do about them?” Her eyes wide with fear looked from me into the darkness.

“Yes I can do something”

Gently I move her to one side,

“Wait here”

“No Jane don’t go near them, they told me they are going to kill you”

“Its fine, don’t worry”

The steps I take towards the back of the lounge seem to take forever; I know this isn’t going to be pleasant. I need to eradicate this couple, and destroy their dreadful essence from this vicinity, my characters are suffering, and that’s not going to continue. I turn back briefly to see the new young girl biting her hands; her pleading look causes my heart to beat a little faster than normal, I smile reassuringly as I turn back to the task in hand.

I was just on the perimeter of the place where I knew the odd couple were sitting; hesitantly I step into their space.

In their darkness is bright light, and they are in reclined positions, drinking steaming coffee.

Both of them grin pleased to see me, there is a feeble offer of coffee.

“NO ... I am here on official business, you have to leave with immediate effect, and I am here to escort you off the property”

There is a lot of bumbling, blundering about why and what have we done...

“There will be no explanation, do not disrespect me with your insane, pretence of innocence, I will take you forthwith, and I want you to know, this is not the end, I wish for you to return, but only when the time is right... There will be an opening, but the time is all wrong.

Two dark, demonic grins reach out in an attempt to allure me; their hands stretch out to shake mine...

“Do not bother with your futile charade; I know you are here to hurt, to destroy, to cause mayhem, but not yet you don’t, not yet... Stay behind me, and I will escort you to a place where you can stay until such time as I need to use your skills, your talents”

As they move up behind me I smell the stench of disgust, I walk slowly through the lounge knowing we’re in the light of my current characters. It is then I observe shadows move out from the darkness, the shadows have bodies, faces and no longer look frightened, because right in front of them is the newest little character, she stands strong, and smiling...

The odd couple smirk with a knowing, and as I take them quickly through the double doors, they raise their fists in defiance to the characters they were leaving behind.

Come I demand almost shrieking, Come...  

~Jane Ewen~

No. 4.

The Loft is quiet...

Being of a curious nature I slip onto the staircase, and stealthily I creep up towards the silver and gold double doors which lead into the lounge, in the loft of my mind.

The peace today has been heaven. Leaning up against the doors I gently breathe a sigh of relief for the silence from within... How could the odd couple have caused so much mayhem? The newbie however is showing promise; she's a good all-rounder... In the blink of an eye the door opens and stupidly, I fall in...

"Jane sorry... oh my god, are you ok?"

"Yes" I laugh, picking myself up off the floor.

"What are you doing here?” she asks as she nervously looks around.

"Don't worry its fine, I'm just making sure all is well"

"The truth is Jane; we've had the best day in a long time. Guests are talking, activity level has been high, a couple of characters still lurk in the shadows, but there have been no malevolent, spiteful acts that might jeopardise the whole house"

I look into her eyes... I'm a good judge of character; this one definitely sends flashing, alarm bells to the centre of my brain. Without blinking an eyelash, I move away...

"That's good news. Thank you for the update"

Walking towards the terracotta staircase, I half turn back, just in time to catch a glimpse of the newest character, and her shifty demeanour... My trusty instinct screams, all is not as it seems, but that's ok, because I have plans for this young lady.

The plots, and storylines I create will hopefully make you, my reader, beg for more...

So my beautiful newcomer with your long Black hair which lies softly against small, pale shoulders, sleep tight as you gather strength, because believe me, you're going to need it, not just for yourself, but for others as well. They however, don't know what you're capable of as you live effortlessly as a chameleon... HA, you will be just as I designed you to be. Good or bad though my little one, you will have your story to tell... Good job the odd couple will be in the back ground to lend a hand, as you express the journey you must take.

Ahh In bed at last, eyes tight shut; I hum the tune to a favourite lullaby... I know she's listening, stay alert little lady.  Be prepared...

~ Jane Ewen ~

No 5.

The loft has settled down...

characters are happier. However, do not be misled, the double doors were knocked tonight, and I have it on good authority that a rather special character has been admitted.

Ooh my good Lord, what the hell have I done?


~ Jane Ewen will be back ~

 

Visitant - Scottish Book Trust

Image taken by Jane Ewen April 2014

 Visitant - Scottish Book Trust 

 

My world is full of many things, and the absolute importance
placed on words, feelings and thoughts, cannot be emphasised enough... Happy
reading!

Any comments will be answered.

Jane Ewen.

 

 

My Dear Little Janie-kins...

Beautiful Image used with the permission of Clare Colette Smith.

Imagine if we were pre-programmed and able to write a letter to our much younger self... Mine would go something like this...  Please bear in mind the way I’ve written it, is given that I already know so much about what’s played out in this life... However I would want to direct most of my wisdom, sensitivity and love to the small, defenceless, lovable child...

Dearest darling Jane ...

you are such a wonderful little girl. It’s terribly important you recognise that in life some of the adults around you are unfortunately damaged... Sadly my darling girl, they don’t know how to treat a beautiful soul and they definitely don’t have any people skills... It's such a crying shame, that at the beginning of your life you're going to be surrounded by individuals who struggle to interact and neither do they know how to communicate. It will be because of them that you and your siblings will unfortunately suffer... Now I know all of that must sound a little scary, but I more than anyone  appreciate that you knowing all this extra information, will help you to be less anxious when all the bad things happen. You need to understand it’s NOT your fault and remember that these unfortunate individuals, sadly lack in even the basic principles of parenting. They don't know how to be child friendly and most of the time they will be totally inappropriate... exposing you to so much stuff, things that no child should see... But take note Janie, its imperative you read every single word, understand every sentence and share it with your siblings. I write in the hope that it spares all of you the incredible hurt and loneliness that will isolate you, causing untold distress. The suffering that you’ll feel when you’re finally abandoned will not last. I want you to close your eyes tight and remember, in the end they will have done you a great big favour. When it does happen, it will be the making of you. You my darling will blossom and flourish beyond your wildest dreams.  

I hope you’ll be able to use this message, and develop a beautiful, shiny shell that will completely protect you when the going gets tough... Keep remembering how wonderful, caring, loving and extraordinary you are. Hold all of that very close and when you’re being beaten and abused, remember my lovely, close those beautiful eyes, go to your special place and know that the person responsible is sick. It’s not your fault...  The good thing is you’ll come through it all and vecause of who you are, you'll will be alright.

One day gorgeous girl the world will be brighter and you will be the princess that no one told you about. You'll live in a nice home, own clean clothes and take a bubble bath. But my darling, your unfortunate early life will always be led by ‘strangers’ however some of those strangers will be rather special and from each one of them, you will get an essence of the beauty in their characters... now listen Jane, that doesn’t happen for everyone. No, when you're a big girl, the special bits you’ll get, will help make you who you are and the big thing here darling, is the bits you do get, are very special because you get to choose. Keep in mind though Janie, even nasty people have an element of niceness hiding within their character... You don’t know it yet but sweetheart, you’re going to be so lucky because you’ll get to choose all of those best bits for yourself. 

I’m going to leave you with my love and the one thing I’d like to do more than anything my lovely little munchkin, is gather you up, look deep into your eyes, connect and then hug you like you’ve never been hugged before... just to show you there is a world full of love waiting and one day you will hold it all... now don’t forget... you’re a beautiful girl and wonderful things are going to happen! One more thing, I will always be close and even when you don’t see me, you will super sense me and you'll never feel alone.  

I love you little lady.

Especially yours,

Jane xxxx

 

An Affinity...

Image from Free Pics on Google.

 

 



A small collection of words to highlight my thoughts today:

 

All my life I’ve possessed an amazing affinity with the human-race... no matter what’s been thrown my way, I’ve never lost my love for humanity. Yes I know there are bad-apples, but hell, we can’t paint everyone with the same drippy brush... Remember; just as there are bad-apples, there are many more good ones... I'll always challenge wrong doing, or stick up for the under-dog, and if you’re my friend then rest assured that I’ll be loyal till the end.. Unless of course you decide to end it yourself, and then I may, or may not understand, but I would always respect your decision... although I’d question it!  For as long as I can recall I’ve always had an insatiable need to understand, but unfortunately I’ve met a few people who have not been able to shine light on their inconsistent thoughts and actions... I feel sorry for these individuals, because to be unable to discuss feelings, thoughts, and ideas, must be a real lonely deal. 

Those of you who know me, understand I like to share how I feel, how I see things and right now I’m feeling this... I’ve recently had a civilised rant on facebook, and then discussed findings with some lovely peeps... I feel truly blessed to have many gorgeous people in my life, and I will never get tired of telling them... We’re lucky to have each other, and although sad things can often happen, it doesn’t mean we cannot get up and move forward. I think the only time I’ll stop, is when I’ve moved on to my beautiful island in paradise, and even then I’ll continue to strive towards keeping others in mind... It's simple, we just have to take care of each other. I know  to some that might seem crazy, but to me it makes the best sense in the whole wide world. 

Thoughts are where it starts; actions are what make it happen, so if you look to another who is without a smile, then give them one of yours, it’s a great start...   

 

~Jane Ewen~ 

FREE to good home...

Image from Facebook

 



When you read this article Please #Share in as many places as you can... We have no choice; we simply have to Raise Awareness for these poor defenceless animals...  

I write this with a heavy heart and a deep, penetrating sadness which hits me every time I hear about another dog being taken, or another little dog that goes missing, because part of me questions, is that little one now being used as a ‘BAIT DOG’ or is he genuinely lost and if he’s lost, how long before he is picked up by a disgusting excuse for a human being... I have quickly written this article to Highlight and hopefully make as many people as I can aware of this despicable pass-time. This is not just a problem that affects dog-owners... this issue belongs to all of us, and we have to consciously protect animals always.

And if you believe this and don’t question it then please after reading this restructure your way of thinking, because unfortunately there are many things happening in this world, and all I can say is my heart breaks on this particular issue... BAIT DOG:  A Dog Baiter is a despicable individual who gets FREE dogs (anyway they can) and uses them for either his own animal to rip up for fun, or to be used as BAIT in dog fighting.  

In this day and age we have to be especially mindful, and although OUR intention might be good in trying to locate a warm and loving home for pets, the word ‘FREE’ is one of the most dangerous words to use in view of what’s happening out there...

Please be careful when giving your pet away for FREE, because there are many more alternatives where you can be assured your pet will be safe. Do all you possibly can to assure that your pet is going to a good and loving home.  Also if you know anything and you’re in a position to alert the police, then do so in a safe way... do not challenge these disgusting individuals, keep yourself protected and remember, it cost nothing to make a phone call and you just never know the impact your call may bring about. A little dog like the one at the top of this page could very well be taken out of his world of living-hell...  

Together all of us can help look after, and protect other living-beings more vulnerable...

Many thanks for reading. 

Ageless Souls...

Image used with the kind permission of it's owners.

 

 

A Taster from a piece written for another project:  Ageless Souls...

 

(A long delicate forefinger, firmly presses against soft lips)

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”...  She breathes ....

Her eyes flicker, the deepest, darkest blue...

When I touch you softly you’ll feel my beating heart and those strong, drift-like sensations I always sense... will as if by magic, make you feel as if you’re standing high up on a wild, tangled moor, being whipped by swirling mist, and as it penetrates the core of your ageless soul, then my darling man, your soul will recognise truth, your heart will open just wide enough to accept timeless love, including some long ago forgotten message. Your divine lesson will be that you’ll understand beautifully, the whole truth of who you are, who I am, and where you know you want to be...

Gazing upwards, he smells the scent of her perfume as it fills his nostrils; he wants her... he is dazzled and sees this truth she speaks, he knows she is someone he will never meet again, so he needs to be honest, open and show her his true heart.  Watching intently, she withdraws her forefinger from full delicious lips, this is a woman that history will never repeat in his lifetime...  He senses strongly a Déjà vu moment... he knows her, and as he looks deeper into her pools of darkness, he knows he is well and truly captured when those beautiful, long fingers reach out and touch his skin...

©2014 Jane Ewen

Eden Raven 1849...

Image 'Charles W Morgan 'ship from Wikipedia

A Taster...  

His thoughts dream and drift towards many possibilities. His love for her has no end, but he knows beyond the stars and back, she is many things with many faces... Right now this beautiful woman has produced a tangled labyrinth in his tortured mind. The plot thickens as he senses trouble lurking closer. Now more than ever he knows it's time he steps toward encouraging her to see that his warm heart is genuine and real... Why is this so complicated, why do things have to turn? His observations prove this woman holds her secrets close, inexplicably he knows he's the one to help, the one to be there, hold her close when it all becomes clear... He also knows in this life what you see isn’t always what you get...

There is just one pressing problem, they have yet to meet!

Dense fog swirls dream-like around the largest ship, which lies securely docked against the towns harbour wall.  Frost sparkles from every visible flat surface, and in the slowest of motion, tiny waves hit the ship, making rhythmic thumping sounds from small pieces of ice which bang alongside its beautiful, dark aged wood. This magnificent ship has managed for the longest time, to keep all who have sailed in her, safe. 

Leaning against cold metal of the lamp-post, Drake smiles, he lights yet another cigarette and then puffs acrid grey smoke upwards, towards the bright light of the moon.  He recalls how his mother had time and time again told him the story of his name; she’d wanted to call him ‘Drake’ after Francis Drake, who had sailed around the world in the 1500s. Oh how he smiled when he thought of how her face would crinkle with happiness, at the very thought of her own boy sailing away on his own adventures, taking in the sights and sounds of the world and then bringing them back to share. His mother wanted treasures and stories from the most interesting people, but most of all she wanted to hear about the warmest places.

In his faraway state he jerks as he hears the clip-clop of a maiden’s foot-fall.  

Darting towards the darkness of a nearby door-way, he huddles within. 

Drake’s heart beats faster than a trapped moth whose wings bang savagely against glass in its effort to escape.   

Why is she here again he thought?

The silhouette of a woman glides effortlessly past, stopping briefly she glances round, and then she gently stretches out pale slender fingers, which tightly grip the ships thick rope, she is relieved that there’s no one there. Breathing out, she gingerly embarks upon the ships rickety platform. The bustle her silk dress irritates her, and as she stops again to ensure that she has definitely not been followed, she quietly moves on.   

Drake emerges from the darkness, still cautious just in case she looks back.

Stealthily he creeps along the side of the ship, knowing he just has to follow; he wants to find out what is going on. Nearing the top of the ships platform, he hears voices.

Pressing himself against the creaking wood he holds on to his breath...

“How much?” she cries

“I’ve told you time and time again” he growls.

“Dear sir I cannot afford such an extortionate price; she whimpers, I need you to take me before it’s too late”.

“Get off of my ship this instant and do not come back”

“Please sir I beg of you, I need to go as soon as possible... you are my one and only hope”

“I want 20 pounds and if you can’t afford that, then you need to leave” he smirks.

The young women fights back tears; she would not let this cruel man see her cry.

“I am at your mercy sir... please”

“Get OUT” he screeches... roughly pushing past her he rips open the cabin door and points a bony finger into the darkness.

Back on the platform she hears the cabin door slam shut. Her heart broken, what will she do? The captain is leaving in a few days, and she just didn’t have that kind of money, she was more than willing to pay her fare, she was even prepared to work on board, but dear lord he was not agreeable for that to happen.

Leaning against dark, damp wood, she wipes her eyes; she would figure something out... he was not leaving this harbour without her; she would make sure of that. Holding on to the rope, she makes her way down the platform. Already she has a plan formulating, but it would take some thought... she needed more time.

Once again he moves out from inside the shadows, Drake watches as she disembarks and without looking back she hurries along damp cobbles towards her reluctant destination.  Shaking his head, he makes his way home, but not before following Eden, he must make sure she gets home safely. 

(©) Jane Ewen  2014

 

To Delete Or Not...

I’m here, I’m back...

And I'm hoping you will be happy to hear... that I bring a much greater curiosity, because I feel more than ready to commence on what could be deemed a shiny, brand new path of creation... There are 807 words in this post. And as I write... I purposefully compose with all of you in mind, and as I inscribe, I feel each and every word to the point of deep emotion, because as always I have to consciously write first and foremost with my heart, I feel this is the only way to transcribe to you, a real sense of me...

Sadly I’ve deleted my beloved page on Facebook; majestically I had called it ‘Messages That Touch One's Soul’. For whatever reason, I’ve always had a real sense of being responsible for the giving, saving and signposting of messages... It’s never seemed to matter what the message is, as long as I felt it was for a higher good, and then I would give it even if it was at the expense of me. Fortunately I feel I have always possessed an overwhelming need to save, savour and give, in whatever way I could...  However I suppose the underlying question for me right now is this:

Is the end for my page really here? 

I hope so... because where-ever that page is, along with its words and images, I stand tall, firmly stamping my foot and raise my fist to indicate ... I am, and will always be the one true owner of that page with all its written-icons. It was created by me, who at different times had the inclination along with the mind-set, as well as varied emotions to create thoughts, words, and deeds. I spent many hours working on my lovely page, sooooo... one might think it would be my choice, my right to choose its end, to destroy and rip up those thoughts, to relinquish created ideas and quite rightly to decide they never existed ... I’m able to state that it took quite a while, but sadly I felt I had no choice other than elect to delete my page, why? Because once I found out the bare truth the magic of its location well and truly left me...

My intention is to move to a place where I know words, thoughts and ideas will remain my own. Due to facebook and its current status and policies, I’ve concluded, I no longer want my creations to remain on a networking site where I don’t hold any trust... I’m not saying I won’t be eternally grateful for connections made... I have met some wonderful people who I know I’d never have even sensed had I not belonged to a network which might hold five gold stars for reaching out. I have especially loved discovering connections and the fact that networking sites allow us to hook up, staying in touch if we want... But essentially, I don’t want my creativity to remain in the hands of others who choose to hold on to data as they gather (for whatever reason) information to store. I’ve been advised that apparently this happens whether one deletes or not... It may have been the labyrinth of my own mind which quite innocently shared ideas, tasters, thoughts... but the truth is, once out in the open, once shared with the site, it was  no longer truly mine... Unknowingly I had given permission, signed away my own heartfelt recognition of my own words for another to use in whatever way they wish...  The more I thought, the more I realised, deleting my page was the only sensible thing to do. It was such a hard decision and as you may see, it’s had quite a hard impact on me... Dramatically I liken it to ripping your heart up and standing on it. Some may understand, others won’t but thankfully we all have the mechanics of our own mind, body and soul. The beauty of the human race, which I always try to promote is our beautiful differences...   

After giving it even more thought, I know it’s meant to be because now is the time to move onwards, upwards. Hopefully the extra time away from my deleted, much missed page of messages, will direct me towards more writing, in terms of ensuring the ‘WiSh’ I made at Christmas will come true... I wished for more time to write... nothing dramatic, nothing too demanding, nothing that will cost more financially... just more delicious time to press the fading keys of my old lap-top, as I endeavour to make magic and wistfully touch a soul or two... I have a saying in my world...

Come close, stay near cos without you it would all be pointless.

©2013 Jane Ewen

All I want for Christmas...

It’s been a little while but I’m tickled pink to be back....

Yes guys you guessed it... it’s that wonderful time of the year again. I absolutely love Christmas. This year though the fly in my cream is that unfortunately I’m feeling a little under the weather, but I’m super sure it will all work out, and at some point I’ll be well enough to get on with life...  I hope that time is kind and then in-between all the drama, I sincerely hope wishes are recognised as I get time to do what I love to do best... Write!

Recently I reluctantly decided to shut down a page on Facebook called: https://www.facebook.com/MessagesThatTouchOnesSoul?ref=hl

However I’m smiling right now, because despite writing a little message this morning to explain reasons for closure, I later found myself sharing something with said page, something I felt might help others... Story of my life and why not, it’s always worth helping another, no matter how small or insignificant anyone thinks it might be...  Our actions are important; I truly believe we are what we do. I’ve also often thought that we really are much more than we think we are... we need to remember all things are possible, and if we don’t reach intended goals, the question could be... did we try as hard as we thought we had... Nothing and no one should stop us, because it’s a well known saying that we are all different and I for one thank god for those differences.   If you’re sat reading this, and you’re in turmoil because you don’t know what you want, maybe you could close your eyes and think about a very simple thing... What would you really like to do? Is there something in life you want, but you feel it’s out of reach because you felt you weren’t good enough, clever enough... Or maybe life is galloping at a hundred miles an hour and you’ve turned around, and you’re also wondering where the heck time went. My hope is this... that you’ll calmly hold on and embrace the simplicity of this little ditty, ‘it’s better late than never’ ... and realise the transparency of its statement really does mean...‘It’s always and forever better late than never’ Make yourself a Christmas wish, and then give the one who matters most, extra permission to realise that no matter how long it takes to get it... Phew, there are no worries!  

Anyway my darlings, it’s wonderful to be back... I’m especially hoping to spend more time where I belong; after all, AngelJanes World is where I healed before... Interestingly enough, I have a few ideas to work on but nothing to share for the time being... I tweeted today on how I’d made a promise to another Writer to #Focus more and it feels really strange, but that promise has given me a new lease on life... in terms of where I would like my dreams to take me.  (More to share laters)

So for now dear ones, be good, take care and don’t forget to remember... Never let anyone discourage you from doing what you really want...

Jane Ewen is back...

Forgiveness with Wishes...

Image courtesy of www.idlehearts.com with a beautiful quote from Lewis B Smedes.

 

 

An Excerpt...

Her heart smashed into a thousand pieces. Devastated for the longest time, she feels she will never recover... but the true strength of character and the profound beauty of her spirit overwhelms. She realises too long has passed, her heart has to sing again. She sits and cries, but when she laughs, it’s with every intention of therapeutically healing herself by magically writing away the hurt.... She sees a bigger picture and as she looks ahead, she senses a brand new time

Picking up the pen she commences...

I would have followed you to the ends of the earth my love, and my reward... could have been your smile.

One day we may meet again... until then I’ll always wonder if your memories will include the way we use to dance. Will you easily recall how gently I held your hands? Or how we’d lie on damp, grainy sand, looking up to the sky, listening to the sounds of the sea and laugh at flashes of light as we watched the darkest shadows fall across the moon and stars. We would talk for hours... Where did time go? Why did we lose it, what happened?

I know when you’d look at me, my quickening heartbeat would bang like a drum... my burning desire was to always stay close, but life changes, things happen, circumstances alter, feelings deteriorate... For me there was no mistake, my senses told me my destiny was with you, you were my world... I worshiped the ground you walked on. I loved the world we lived in... Until recently, I wanted; no needed, to return to that life, share those secrets, hopes, and dreams. I wanted to kiss your strength, hug your vulnerability.  

You always made me feel so safe, you said I completed you, you always told me I had lashings of love and that I filled you with immense security... the feeling was mutual, but then you changed, little things at first. The big tell tale sign was that we spent less and less time together... A first I shrugged it off, I would explain it away, but then it would niggle, fester and I would nag, over communicate, and whine for reassurance. It all became too much, and the world ended as you swiftly walked away... or thinking back did you just disappear? Because months later when I got to the point of desperation, and needed to talk, just to get some form of closure, or to discuss where it had all gone wrong... even give you your left over belongings... I was told that you’d left the country; strange thing is you did not leave alone!  

Going through the separateness of separation, realising in the end I was not loved. I fell into a world of silence... The ways of humanity were completely beyond me. Dark nights always easier to hide within, to forget, but then that big bright sun always arrived in the mornings, and reality became as bright as its sun-light. I suppose enough time has passed and the knowledge and resignation of what you did, has filled me with a whole new other person, a person I didn’t know. Strangely enough she is as beautiful as the original, and is someone who needs to know what, how, when and where it all went wrong... for some strange reason that seems to be so vitally important... despite the not knowing, there now reigns a determination in me, it’s been a long hard struggle, but I truly believe, despite still loving you I am ready to let go...  They do say when you love someone with all of your heart, that no matter what, you want them to be happy, but sadly I believe that is only partly true... if you’d said to me, I was not for you, and you’d left the relationship on your own, I’m quite sure it would have been a little easier for me to bear... All I know is that I am a good person, and I deserved so much better. The thing is, at long last I have worked it out, I am not responsible for your short comings, you did wrong, and it was not my fault... My family and friends tell me you’re a monster, a liar, a cheat, a no good person who will do the same to the woman you left me for, they say once a cheat always a cheat... but oh if you knew how I had stuck up for you, I could still cry now but I wont... I won’t do myself that injustice...  I guess if the truth be known, if I did have a wish, I would wish for you to find happiness, because at the end of the day it’s you who has broken a heart, left a person worse off than you found them, and that is not what life is all about.

Thankfully my heart continues to be good. I am big enough to wish you untold happiness and I do this just so you don’t go through life leaving a terrible mess behind you.

I guess now that I’m at the end of this profoundly bitter-sweet letter to myself... it’s not hard to see that I am getting there... life is actually beautiful, it’s just a shame we couldn’t have made it together, but again you know what they say... if it hasn’t worked out, it wasn’t meant to be.  The best part of getting over a breakup is to know and take from the relationship just what you don’t want in your next loving experience. This mistake has not made me feel like holding on to my heart, because that wouldn’t be fair ... When the time is right and I am full of love, my heart will be given to the right person. I will wish you well dear one, and as I walk the other way, I am convinced the universe holds something better for me.   

 

Replacing her pen she leans back and smiles...

 

 © Jane Ewen 2013  

Choice... Chance... & Change...

Thoughts may be random; they can also be spontaneous, even erratic.

Today friends, I sit here with so much in mind, but after reading and re-editing today’s piece, I feel quite surprised that I decided to share further moments of a time that were uncomfortable, and yet I do understand why ... I think I’m correct in saying that the end of this piece is inspirational in terms of where to go with your choices, because to facilitate change there has to be choice...

 

A favourite quote: “Change is the essence of Life. Be willing to surrender what you are, for what you could become”

~Reinhold Niebuhr~

 

I know in a moment everything can change. Everything I do is with you in mind... I never want to lose my precious light, my life, its rock and our reason to live... I feel so close. There’s no stopping us, we are one, we know secrets, and thank the lord above we have their cure.....  I love when your love falls around me, and when all else seems lost, and grey, it shows me the way. Sometimes I just want to put those earphones on, turn up the volume and close my eyes as I swirl, whirl and twirl through life to avoid everything else that’s going on... I see our world through the eyes of my heart, I love that I see this, because somewhere in the dark back of beyond, I know I could have closed my heart down and made it impossible to feel... feel... feel... Who needs that my friend?

It's not about what you’ve done, it’s not about what’s happened to you... it’s all about the little muscle in your chest... it’s about that spirit, that body, your soul.... You know who you are, you know what you want, you know how to get it and you further know that as long as no one gets hurt, the answer is nestled inside your colourful world. My world is not black and white... it has a shine, it throws out colours, and it allows those that know its secret, to flourish in abundance so that when they learn its secret, they can share, permeate, touch and pass through... It didn’t take me very long to learn life’s secret, it did take longer though, to realise how to communicate, to let somebody in on it... but it’s quite simple really... be YOU, be real, feel things, share stuff, progress on your journey, don’t hide behind a shadow, try not to mis-communicate to others, it just confuses issues and causes friction. Be open, honest and truthful, learn to love yourself because it’s true what others say, you can’t love another until you understand what love is all about...  

I put my faith into something ... I was constantly receiving the wrong information, I felt dazed, even confused, it wasn’t easy, I didn’t know what to do... but then my world blew up. I saw a nuclear mushroom, I witnessed the end of my world as I knew it and for 365 days, 52weeks, I was a vegetable... I needed help, but so like the days of my neglectful childhood, I didn’t know where to go. I stayed still, I hibernated, I hoped no one would come to see me; I didn’t want anyone, not even family... What was the point, why bother? The world was going to end anyway and I felt more than ready... Then I was prodded or should I say poked, or maybe I should really say, I eventually twigged, realising the end of MY world didn’t mean it was the end of everybody else’s world... Realistically I realised, life goes on and no matter what, I needed to get back on track, or else I really would disappear.  What help would that be to my beautiful family?

When again the light started to shine, I witnessed great vision, and extraordinarily I discovered unfamiliar knowledge. I was able to sense and secure ‘the honest to god truth’... it wasn’t over, although there was definitely light at the end of the tunnel, all I wanted to do was scream out... That’s my light, I want it, I need to flick the switch, make it shine bright... My girls need me, my beautiful husband would be very sad if I was no longer around... the dark started to shimmer silver, and it’s light burned brighter...I had a clear sense I was getting better, I hoped and prayed that a miracle would happen... I didn’t need drugs... I didn’t need to give false promises, I just wanted to gather family in my arms, and tell them as gently as possible.... “Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh everything’s going to be alright”... So I shook my senses and told my loved ones as well as some friends, I’m alright but now I need unconditional Love... with that very important element, I knew I’d accomplish anything...

Since my return back to the beautifulness of our human race, I’ve managed to magically get life back on track. I’ve shown those around me that life is definitely worth living, and if and when you do hit rock bottom, its terribly important for you to bounce right back... For me anyway, it felt simple, so easy to realise that the little bulb that shines periodically in one’s brain, told me I’d landed, my heart, body and soul had been on a journey, but lessons were learned and it was ultra important to remember those lessons, like, where there is life there‘s hope, and where there is hope there’s Love.... My eyes, heart, body, and soul have been left wide open... I am fearful of nothing; I don’t ask for anything from anybody. And within my dreams there’s aspiration to make a difference... I don’t have an agenda, my list of needs have been ticked... I consider myself to be the lucky one, my life is the happiest it has ever been, and as I’ve said before...  this statement doesn’t mean it’s perfect, But... it’s as perfect as we can make it...

 

If you’re still here, and you’re feeling down, please try to remember... Life’s experiences manage to come in all sorts of shapes and form, however this builds character and no matter what, there is always an end. Things are sent to try us, and what must also be remembered is that you have a choice.

Life is beautiful, for me life worked to show that the opposite is so absolute and final... no one needs that, well not of course until the right time comes... Close your eyes and visualise your future!

Remember it’s going to be ok and if it’s not ok then it’s most definitely NOT over... 

I wish nothing but the very best for you...

Good Luck!

~JaneEwen~
      AKA
~AngelJane~  

Curiosity, Life & Dreams...

Whether you wish to silently watch, vocally interact or seek out unanswered questions, the act of seeking to quench ones inquisitive thinking is usually linked to a thirst for knowledge of what might, could, would or should have been... Or even a deep desire to learn or know about things that don’t really concern us anymore... I guess there is always the chance that Curiosity may also bring unforeseen, unwanted information.  But isn’t that what Curiosity is all about? ... So if you look, peek and wonder... be ready for the unknown, and remember you might not always like what you see, hear or find out...  From my own sensitivity I know without doubt, that the people who have been in my life were meant to be, and I’ve always understood how sad it can be to think that some of them are unable to stay, but again that’s how it’s meant to be... When a gorgeous soul steps into our lives, they are there for a reason, a moment or a season... some choose to stay, some need to go, but hey that’s ok...  

I think many of us might be guilty of occasionally feeling the itch of curiosity. Then there’s the old proverb ‘Curiosity killed the Cat’ which warns of the dangers of needless investigating, inspecting or experimenting ... My guess is that a good old dose of this electric emotion can be positively healthy, and might even enable us to place answers to unanswered questions, that may occasionally rise to the surface... This inquisitive form of thinking allows individuals to investigate and learn what might have been, or more importantly, why it wasn’t. I think in the past most of my own intermittent curiosities are super connected to what might have been, and if choices or the way my life’s path progressed, voluntary or involuntary were for the best.

I am glad to say that to date and with everything I currently know, my choices have been correct and if in the past I didn’t have a choice at the way something materialised, thankfully it was still for the best. I believe I am where I should be... My life, the people in it and the people I have yet to meet are just where I want them. I also believe I am definitely the luckiest of ladies, because the majority of my life’s experiences have been beneficial in teaching me all I know about life and love... I am open to new ideas and I believe I am realistic in my dreams... despite several of life’s knock-backs; I have much to look forward to. In my most reflective moments of the day, I quite often wish those around me, as well as absent friends the very, very best of everything.  I was only thinking the other day, the best part about getting older is the warmth that penetrates your spirit when you smile because a friend is happy, or you hear good news.

I especially love writing... I don’t profess I’ll ever be a literary legend; I don’t even proclaim to write correctly. I would make a guess that other accomplished writers will see plenty of mistakes, but I do passionately declare that at all times I am professional, I am especially careful with what I say and share. I also try to think of others, and I consistently emanate respect... I don’t believe I have even touched the tip of the iceberg with my thoughts and ideas, although right now I’d say, it’s unfortunate that I am too busy to be able to concentrate on my absolute dream.  However I believe that very soon I’ll be in more of a position to focus fully on where I hope my voice will take me... 

We are fortunate, and I am always in awe of the sights, sounds and human connections that are often made. I love to see beautiful pictures from other countries and I repeatedly recognise how lucky I am to be able to see those things... I never forget what the internet; the news has opened up for us all... absolutely amazingly inspirational.

So friend, if you’re still here reading this article with me... then please let me thank you as well as remind you to never lose your sense of Curiosity, it could possibly be the one thing that brings answers and love into your life. 

Angel Jane  

“Life is wonderful when you're the one to write it.”
― Coco J. Ginger

Where Dreams May Roam...

I long earnestly to hug the small child who lives within... From an early age I have always had a sense of her complete and utter sadness... In the beginning, I didn’t realise that this little girl would stay with me forever, and it wasn’t until I grew to be of a certain age that I witnessed her smile for the very first time... With her cheeky cherubic smile my world lit-up like a Christmas tree, and from that memorable day onwards, I knew everything was going to be alright... I'd like to dedicate this post to all who have known that their inner child is with them, and has always been a very special part of  their lives...  

I have often wondered... where did she come from? How did she get here and how long was she going to stay... I sense so much about my little dweller, and strangely enough the times she made herself visible to me, was when I was at my saddest.

I recall the very first time I met her; I was recovering from watching something so disturbing that I’d decided to hide behind furniture. I sat shivering and shaking, holding my hands before my eyes, not able to make any meaning out of what I’d just seen... when suddenly I felt her presence. Jumping nervously, I expected to see my big, bad, mean mother... she would always bend on all fours, just like a wild animal, and try to get me out from behind our big, old musty sofa. But no, this time mother wasn’t there.  Instead the blue eyed child, with big, sad teary eyes stared at me in silence.   

“What?” I whispered from behind ice, cold hands.

The little girl did not answer, she just continued to stare.

Then all of a sudden the door banged really loudly, and the big, bad mother screamed,

“I will get you Lady Jane, and believe you me; you’ll regret the day that you were born”

My skin started to tingle, my heart raced even harder, because unfortunately I knew what was going to happen next... she was going to find me, grab hold of whatever she could hang on to, shake me till my teeth rattled in my head, and then she would violently drag me screaming towards the cellar door...  

This time though she didn’t bend down on all fours, instead with super human strength, she yanked the big old sofa away from me... her red, sweaty face contorted now with rage, looked at me with a hatred I never could quite understand, and as her long dark brown hair flew through the air, she viciously grabbed me... In slow motion I witnessed my own hand reach out towards my little friend and as she grabbed it, I felt that her little hand was also freezing cold... but holding onto her, I felt the most incredible relief because I didn’t feel so alone.

Whilst the big, bad mother shook, pushed, screeched and swore my little friend never once let go. Not even when the cellar door crashed open, and we were pushed down rickety, wooden steps, to land in a crying heap on to cold grey paving slabs. The greyish light from a tiny broken window, shed just enough brightness for me to see my small friend scuttle closer to me, and then we both heard the slam of the door.  

This was the start of a forever friendship... My friend never gave a smile, she never spoke a word, but I knew without a shadowing doubt, that the connection to her and I was something that would unquestionably last forever.

In those formative years the cruelty continued and our connection remained.

When I was tiny I didn’t realise how special the connection was, not until that is, I got a little older and I started to question her existence.

The sad, blue eyed child always appeared when I was stressed, tired or frightened. I never questioned her appearance, I was always so glad to see her.  The cruelty, the hatred and our chaotic world of loneliness, was easier to bear with her around. However as time passed, I did realise that despite myself getting older, she never changed... it was as if she was stuck in a kind of time-warp of emotional damage, where she’d decided not to develop but more to simply exist.

I did know one thing though, and that was I grew to love her like no other. The things we lived through were witnessed between us, and the eye contact we often held said more than words ever could.

I guess the day I saw her smile was a tremendous breakthrough for me, because that was the day I knew beyond everything, that it was all going to be ok. All I was left with was the immeasurable thought that I needed to hold her, to bestow upon her as much love as I could, because this little girl had held it all in, contained and packaged all the untold hurt, just so that I got to share the burden. This ultimately made sure I survived the horror filled, neglectful, damaged, hurtful upbringing any child should ever have to endure... And even though my little friend is still around, I have yet to give her a hug, then again, an absolute fear is that she’ll go away, and to be honest, I never want her to leave because she is such a big part of me as I am of her.  

The very important thing about living with inner children, is that when you heal, they heal...

© 2013 Jane Ewen

Picture shared from Google: Artist Unknown...

Dreams, Wishes & Feelings...

Right now my friend all I know is that I’ve been fortunate enough to grow in an ever-changing world, and no matter what, I will never... not ever, let go of my dreams...

DREAMS... I have a few, all involve my beautiful family.

WISHES... are for my voice to be eventually heard, as well as all the emotion contained within each word and setting. And if it doesn’t sound conceited, I am hopeful it will allow others to experience it to the full.   

FEELINGS... that they persist in being continuous and they are never far away from a single thought.

I am always surprised where the journey takes me...

Stepping out of one’s comfort zone in terms of what one writes is mind blowing to say the least... Very often I find myself talking about facts, the past, present and future. I discuss how I feel, what I perceive others may believe.  It always feels extremely important for me to share a lot of deep, often confusing experiences that usually becomes clearer as I go on to discuss further within my own world of words... I always disclose my writing to be therapeutic, and holding hand on heart, I continue to confirm that for me, this is so... I always find myself to be comfortingly realistic, with incessant remarks about my lack of education; I very often wonder where I might have been today, had my parents been different or if my upbringing had been a little closer to normal... Other times I feel a little melancholy, especially when I think I might have been a bit more receptive to possible opportunities... Who knows, had my life taken a different path I might even have been an accomplished author... Writing words and thoughts full to bursting, impregnated with my own unique expressions, and novels to delight all the people I want to spiritually and blissfully touch.  

Every day I feel the need to progress with my writing, I very often write and don’t share... I have two novels on the go and with any possible luxury of spare time; these will get worked on...  Just as much as words are terribly important, so are people... family, friends & strangers.  I feel I have an affinity with all of human kind... I will profess to liking animals, but not as much as humans. I am able to stand next to a complete stranger, and feel an amazing amount of information, and on occasion if they turn to me, we can become engulfed in conversation and it naturally feels like we have know each other for years.   I quite often find myself feeling another’s pain, happiness, disappointment and I have to make sure that I tell myself in no uncertain terms, that those experiences are happening to another and not to me... I have discovered that feeling someone else’s emotions at such an incredible intensity, may mean I have the qualities of an Empath, and I guess this is why it’s taken me, heaven knows how many years to be able to distance myself to such an extent, so that when I receive another’s energy, it doesn’t make me unwell.

I don’t proclaim to know it all, I believe I’ve learned a lot but I also believe I have a heck of a lot to learn... This is why I consider myself to be blessed, and it’s also why I live in hope that the PLOT will thicken...

~AngelJane~