Forgiveness...

I do not have a picture of you... I’ve never needed one, because through red-hot rages of persistent disappointments and timeless regret, I’ve always managed to picture you inside my head.... Do you remember once upon a long time ago, you let me brush your beautiful hair? That particular poignant memory has lasted a life-time.

It appears I’m too late with my notion of Forgiveness... My mother is now past the point of no return. Inside my mind I know with that darkness a certain light will die. In the stillness just before death when she takes her last and final breath, I wonder if I’ll know... Will I sense it? ~ Will I finally feel any connection break? ~ At the moment I feel desperately empty, I feel a sense of loss for what could have and should have been. My hope will be that she’ll recognise from my perception, that despite the past, her future in the beyond will be all-forgiving...

Nevertheless Madge, just to reiterate from the deepest depths of my heart, body and soul... I forgive you... With my forgiveness; I send such special love with an expectation that it will accompany you on your next journey. I’m so truly sorry that in this life it did not work out for us all. My inner being knows, for you, this has had to have been a very hard lesson. Maybe that’s why you’re going the way you are... your memory’s been wiped clean, your thoughts are now on your own particular present, here and now... I suspect your thoughts won’t last any longer than it took for you to think about them. I can’t help wondering if in your final days your heart will feel happiness, or even if your mind will be capable or even able, to feel any joy should you look out the window and glimpse a familiar face... Will this be a sad way for you to leave this world? or will you know nothing as your steady, rhythmic breath grows less and less, leaving your spirit to go when it is ready...  I also wonder if at the moment of death, will your mind become free and will you then suddenly realise your devastating, wasted loss?

Take care Mum; continue to be taught for I refuse to accept that you did not learn from your journey here. It is said we make our own Karma... It’s my belief that although we do not usually take vivid memories to the next life, we certainly have a bank account of different types of reserved Karma, which I also believe accompanies us through-out many lives of necessary learning... My heartfelt hope for you is that any bad Karma, will be greatly reduced with any forgiveness of the past.

Although I will think of you often, I'm sure I will always have a deep heartfelt wish, that my sister, brothers and myself had been blessed with a loving mother... One who'd managed to keep us safe and loved, but on my own journey I’ve sadly discovered this was not to be for us, or you, and it would unquestionably not do any good to hold on to any bad feelings... I do not want you to suffer. I figure the way it’s turned out is penance enough.  With my final salute I stand proud, neck bent; head gently bowed with hands folded in prayer.

Who knows, maybe one day we’ll get to meet again!

Namaste and safe journey...

The True Meaning Of Christmas...

When I read the story below ‘Teach the children’ (Author Unknown) ~ I’ve re-edited slightly... I immediately felt a powerful sense of remembrance, that sometimes we forget the real meaning of Christmas. We get caught up in all the hype, the pressure, the rush, the push, the mush, and demands, wanting to do the best we can for families and friends, but, it's also worth remembering... some of us may miss that golden opportunity to remind ourselves, this is the absolute, perfect opportunity to downsize the scale of this particularly beautiful story to use to our advantage, promoting it in an age appropriate way to simply put the message across of the true meaning of Christmas, to our children and young people. And right now, this is just about the right time to share this beautiful story of some of the reasons we celebrate and embrace the magic of Christmas... Despite some of us forgetting the meaning, I also have to add  on my journey I've always witnessed a delight in others in the giving and receiving.  

Teach the children.

I was locking the house for the night, when I heard a noise from the front of the house, I opened the door to the front room and to my surprise, Santa himself stepped out from behind the Christmas tree, he placed his finger over his mouth, Shhhhhhhhh.

What are you doing?!! I started to ask.

The words choked in my throat, as I observed he had tears in his eyes. His usual jovial manner had disappeared, and gone was the eager boisterous character we all know; he then answered in a simple statement, teach the children.

I was puzzled, what did he mean? He guessed my question, and with one swift movement, he pulled a miniature toy bag from behind the tree, as I stood puzzled? He said teach the children! Teach the old meaning of Christmas, the meaning that ‘now-a-days Christmas’ has forgotten.

Santa then reached into his bag, and pulled out a fir tree and put it in front of the fireplace.

Teach the children that the pure green colour of the stately tree remains green all year round, representing the everlasting hope of all mankind, all the needles point heavenward, making it a symbol of mans thoughts turning toward heaven,

He then reached into his bag again, and pulled out a brilliant star.

Teach the children that the star was a heavenly sign of promises long ago, god promised a saviour for the world, and the star was the sign of fulfillment of his promise,

He again reached inside his bag and pulled out a candle,

Teach the children, that the candle symbolises that Christ is the light of the world, and when we see this great light we are reminded of Jesus, who fills our lives with light,

Once again he reached into his bag and pulled out a wreath, placing it on the tree.

Teach the children, that the wreath symbolises the real nature of love, real love never ceases, like god’s love, no beginning or end.

He then pulled out an ornament of himself.

Teach the children that I, Santa Clause, symbolise the generosity and kindness we all feel in the month December.

Once again he reached into his bag and pulled out a holly leaf.

Teach the children, that the holly plant represents immortality, it represents the crown of thorns worn by our saviour, the red holly represents his blood, shed by him,

Next he pulled out a gift, and said

Teach the children, that god so loved the world, he gave us his only son, we thank god for his very special gift,

Teach the children, that the wise men bowed before the holy baby and gave him gifts, of gold, frankincense and myrrh, we should always give gifts in the same spirit as the wise men.

Santa then reached into his sack and pulled out a sugar cane and hung it on the tree,

Teach the children that the sugar cane represents the shepherds crook, the crook on the staff helps to bring back lost sheep to the flock.

He reached in again, and pulled out an angel.

Teach the children, that it was the angels who announced the glorious saviours birth, the angels sang glory to god in the highest, on earth peace and goodwill toward men,

Suddenly I heard the softest tinkling sound, and from his bag he pulled a bell.

Teach the children, that as the lost sheep are found by the sound from the bell, it  should ring to guide us to god, the bell symbolises guidance and return, it reminds us that we are all precious in the eyes of god,

Santa looked back and was pleased, I saw the twinkle in his eyes as he said,

Remember teach the children, the true meaning of Christmas, do not put me in the centre, for I am but a humble servant of the one that is, and I bow down to worship him, our lord! Our god!

I would like to wish you all a very Happy Christmas, a bright new year with peace & love in your world.

Namaste: Stay Close!  

For me...

Not many people know what life has in store ~ in my opinion and being completely honest, it’s a damn good job!

Sometimes we can go through the most devastating circumstances, and then find we go on to struggle with the most inconceivable challenges.

I write to remind myself of some of the many blessings I have in life.... Occasionally though, the gloom and darkness have obscured what was evident... So for me I write this as a permanent reminder that despite what we go through... there is still much to be happy and content about.

Right now a big thing for me is to be in a position to thankfully share how privileged I am to be in-love, sincerely appreciating how that love feels and what it essentially means. I’m also aware of and will never forget that long ago, sad intense, crappy feelings around wanting love and remembering how sorrowful it made me feel when it was not present in my life. I also remember being in the rather lonely position of experiencing incredible, beautiful, lovable feelings, happily knowing when I found the right person who ticked all my boxes, then my invisible trusty list of wants, needs and must haves, would at last be engaged with (together) as if it were law... a law that had been written with-in a certified and magical legal contract, written by the lord of all fairness himself.

I think it’s worth a mention that I have friends who are just as happy in beautiful, meaningful relationships and some just as happy out of them. I also have friends who are not happy living their single life.  I have to add, it’s the friends who are not happy but never say anything that have inspired me to write, sharing my thoughts... I have a deep empathy for them, because after concentrating on my reflections recently, I know I’ve walked uncomfortably in their shoes.  I especially know how it feels to want something so bad that you clearly comprehend that once you have it; you’ll treasure it forever, why? Because it’s your deepest, dearest wish, to walk a path where there are clearly two sets of footprints.  I'd like to think after reading this, they will embrace the fact that even when one thinks it wont happen, it can and often does...

I’m fortunate to have a diverse range of friends, I understand being in a relationship is not for everybody, nor is it what everybody wants, but throughout life I’ve always recognised I never wanted to be alone...  However after saying that, I reluctantly but thankfully spent time alone and although it wasn’t for me, I did learn a heck of a lot about myself. It was a good time, where I managed to heal and get rid of unnecessary baggage. I later realised I’d got myself into quite a good position, where if I met the right person then I was more than ready... No hang-ups, or Pre-Ex issues, just a nice lady waiting for the right guy who would also be raring to go for an honest, genuine relationship.

Don’t get me wrong though, I did spend a little time coming across individuals who had strange morals, unsavory behaviour and very different needs...  I use to ask my friend, how do you know you've met the right one, all she would say is "You will know" she was absolutely right!  Then one fine day... a day I thought would never happen ... happened!

I think its appropriate the Blog 'You were meant for me'  is worth a mention. A beautiful reminder of the perfect moment!

http://angeljanesworld.blogspot.com/2010/08/you-were-meant-for-me.html 

I get teary eyed when I thank my lucky stars, knowing I'm fortunate enough to be able to share this life... Maybe it’s not perfect, but you know what? it’s as perfect as we can make it...

Dont forget... Stay Close!

Fantastic Prize @Ewen's In Blackburn Market

Christmas is coming and we know this will help ~ I spy with my little eye something beginning with.... Check out the 'Magic Word' which is being run in conjunction with www.blackburnlife.com at Ewen's Butchers In the new BlackburnMarket where a warm welcome is waiting...

http://www.blackburnlife.com/2011/11/fantastic-prize-at-ewens-butchers-in-blackburn-market-competition/

A Change of Heart...

Dedicated to my Sister and Brothers... In our early years we sadly missed out on so much, all of which was out of our control... in coming almost full circle I know individually we’ve  gathered life experiences separately... but, in becoming aware of all the info and clearly seeing history, I rejoice because it is us who really are the lucky ones! 

I realise some might not agree with my findings, but please remember I write from my own perspective...

I have learned that the happiness and wellbeing of others dictates I have to let certain, long standing issues go... I know till recently the biggest issue for most of my life is the fact I did not have a proper mother... Recently I made a decision that’s both shocked and surprised me, but I suppose what’s been instrumental in helping me make this long, overdue decision, is a number of things that I’d like to especially share with my siblings.

Recently I was sadly advised our biological mother had been struck with an awful degenerative disease Senile-Dementia...  I’m not sure if I can articulate or express how I feel into words.

My thoughts, my feelings and how I feel... when I was told I was strangely calm, yet I felt a penetrating sadness. If there’d been the slightest chance of proper closure then I knew it had transpired within the blink of my own heartbeat and mores’ to the point, disappointingly without our mother’s input. Due to her illness, I also grasped it would never happen due to what would be her dramatic loss of memory...  I felt for myself and my siblings... I also felt for her beautiful grandchildren. What a crying shame to leave this beautiful world neither knowing nor learning.   

My heart is heavy...  if there’d been any possibility of two hearts and minds triumphantly coming together to address the past, share history, discover the family I’d never known... Now it would be gone forever!

For seven days and seven nights I thought about what we’d lost as individuals and as a family... Then it hit me ~ whilst reading my Buddah teachings, listening to the sincerity of their wise words of wisdom, I knew with crystal precision which filled me with joy... I wanted to forgive the mother who’d never been a mother. For the first time ever I truly felt for a lost mother, who’d unfortunately never joyfully lived to know unconditional love and affection from her own beautiful children and grandchildren. 

From beyond the unknown, I was overwhelmed with the knowledge and a deep sense of the right thing to do.

All those years of wasted energy we’d both demonstrated by concentrating on pointless negativity, the blame, finger pointing... Yes I know stuff happened, hurtful, damaging stuff, which sadly ended in five children being taken into care. But, we were lucky, some kids don’t make it, some kids don’t even have food or water or a place to live.

For me the time is right to forgive. At last I’m ready to genuinely look towards my Mother, smile with no hatred hiding in my heart. I’d like to hold her hand look into her eyes and tell her honestly that I, her eldest daughter follow a different path, and I wish her nothing but happiness and peace of mind.

If I could accomplish this the joy would be mine and I would pray she would feel complete forgiveness to take with her to the next life, where hopefully she will become the best mother ever.

I’ve read ‘Senile Dementia’ is a cruel illness; I believe the blessing for my mother will be that she’ll stop feeling guilty and have no bad memories of any wrong doing, mistakes or lost children.  

There is no better feeling than the feeling of helping another living-being.

For so long I’ve felt bad and for good reason, but, the time has come to think differently and deal with certain situations if I’m to help support and apply positive effort for the best possible outcome.

As my journey continues, my wish is that no matter what, you'll stay with me! 

Namaste  

Just For You

I dedicate this post to those of you I’ve not been in touch with... I know that sometimes silence is a necessity; it allows a person time to heal and gather their strength which is necessary for recovery... Thank you for being there and despite my silence I’ve been grateful for your kind words and thoughts...

"Strength does not come from winning. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength." Mahatma Gandhi

In life when things change too much or too quickly, there can be the possibility of it becoming overly complicated, even stressful. I recently read an article that stated if you think back a year or two and think about how much extra responsibility you’ve got? You may well find you have too much stuff going on or even too many possessions including, projects and commitments. I did this and listed down all the changes in my life over the last few years and realised surprisingly, for someone who doesn’t like change a lot happened… As some of you may know, not all of it for the good… Also I feel it’s worth mentioning, as much as I share I also possess a silent side and quite rightly there’s the private stuff I keep for me and my lovely man.

If I had to describe it, I’d say for me it’s been like watching a mountain being built and trying to figure out how you can deal with each individual issue, as the mountain grows, its foundations crumble… The fragility of it all penetrates your soul; sadly you’re left feeling the fall-out with a vulnerability that’s concerning enough to make you want to crawl away until it all stops dead.   

I’ve found my dislike of change reduces my focus, increases stress levels and usually lowers my performance. I’ve been known to take on too much… Oh you know what it’s like, we have good intentions, but, if that stress button lights up, then it becomes difficult and unmanageable…

Over the past few months I’ve discovered, I don’t let go of things easily… I realise this is not a good thing!  The last 3-4 weeks with extra support I’ve learnt to cut down on stuff like projects, plans and possessions. I know this has been the busiest year of my life and although I knew there would be lots of changes, I felt confident I would cope and I was doing ok until my beautiful girl’s condition became worse, then everything seemed to go out the window and all the questions which surged from my core, overwhelmed me completely, leaving me reeling. I also know what didn’t help was my lack of positivity. The change in me became significant enough to overshadow everything I once believed in.  The last two weeks I’m pleased to say, have been positive in that I’ve managed to make a start on changing my thinking… I’ll quickly add it’s an ongoing project and I have to be honest with you, it’s damn hard…  This change is necessary; it will benefit not just me, but my family and friends as I’ve become well aware that they really worry over me. The differences they’ve witnessed over the last two years have caused further anxiety… Now that my thinking’s become less cloudy, I know I’ve missed so much stuff. Not only have I missed within my personal life I’ve also missed out on work colleagues… I have every intention of catching up and soon!

We all know life’s unpredictable, if I had any advice, it would be... YOU have to come first, so look after your-self… if you let yourself drop into the darkness then it’s very hard to lift yourself out, especially my friend if your questions remain unanswered.  I’ve gathered from this experience, nothing lasts forever but, the positivity here is that family and friends who have remained in contact despite not receiving anything back, has shown me by reinforcing that there are some beautiful people on this planet and for that blessing, I will always be truly thankful.

Namaste..... X

Thankfulness and Beyond

It’s always so nice to receive thanks for things we say or do. It fills us with fuzzy warmth that is deeply comforting, reaffirming, we did the right thing... Everyone likes to be thanked and not surprisingly, no one ever gets tired of it...

As some of you may already know the past 2 years have been especially hard and at this point that struggle continues... On this beautiful Sunday afternoon, my reason for writing and sharing this post is quite simply to look at you all, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words and thoughts, not forgetting physical, emotional and virtual-cyber support... some of you will never know how deeply you‘ve touched me and subsequently my family.  

Family, friends and yes, even strangers have reached out and touched my heart. I believe gratitude is the most exquisite form of courtesy and as long as I can feel that, I will continue to sense our connection.  It’s so important to be able to share this deeper element of oneself.  I came to know this truth from experience... once upon a long time ago; I let someone leave this wonderful planet without telling them how I really felt.  Alarmingly the finalisation of that frustrating knowledge, eventually helped me understand that being oneself, sharing ones heart and being the real you with genuineness, is really what’s important for the here, now and future....Unfortunately, on my travels I‘ve come across individuals who have disbelieved sincerity, who’ve sadly gone on to disconnect all ties under many false illusions with their unrealistic ideas of what is actually fact, truth or fiction... Like anyone this could have happened to, we know the awful injustice will remain for as long as we are, because, the unfairness of it strikes deep within our hearts and we know we have lost something that could have been so beautiful and wretchedly we grasp with clarity, the fact that we’ll never be able to recapture lost time or potential precious memories.
As usual I’ve veered off the track, because in thanking others it sorrowfully reminds me of the past... My family mean so much to me, I am always full of regret when I remember we are not all together and yet, I know they are there...

I want to end on a huge positive so I will continue with this thought...

I'm where I should be. My world, although not perfect is as perfect as can transpire... I've learned and continue to learn much and I especially know with crystal clear understanding, being here for my family and friends is where I want to be... I know you know that nothing is perfect, so live your life, dream your dreams and remember, be yourself with a genuineness that won’t compare...  

Oh and guys... Thanks again!

The Final Maltese Chronicle 2010 Part 7

Friday 3^rd Dec 2010:

As long as I live, I know that I’ll never be able to capture the words to describe the final, complete and exquisite magic which happened within the confines of our Maltese Hotel, on our last evening together...

Oh What A Glorious Day!

Little did we know just how magnificently this beautiful day would end? With sad hearts we rose knowing this was our last day...

On entering the dining room for breakfast all four of us visibly brighten as guests and hotel staff shout good morning greetings, waving at four ladies from England. Waving back we take great pleasure in reminding them they’re in for a real treat this evening, tonight, we squeal is fancy dress. Genuine Warm smiles mixed with laughter follow us as we go to choose breakfast.
Several days earlier we’d decided, Friday was going to be our chilling day, a last day to try and capture more Maltese rays of warm sun-shine, but unfortunately it was cloudy with spit spots of threatening rain.

After breakfast, the four of us stood in front of our hotel, its splendid window frontage overlooking a most wonderful view of the sea. Silence pulsates between us as we all stood within our own dream world. It was Charlotte who broke into the moment...
“I know, let’s go shopping” 

Four sets of eyes need no further persuasion... four hours later found four shattered females flopping down into a favourite  snack bar as we order, delicious chicken and mushroom bakes ~ beer, wine and sangria... I exhaled as I heard Gypsy Kings playing in the background.  Giggling, toe tapping and much chatter continued to keep us busy as we explore the night ahead. 

Sixty minutes later, walking back to our hotel, thoughts of sunbathing in the rain ~ more laughter!
On a wet sunbathing terrace it wasn’t hard to see, sunbathing was definitely not order of the day ~ guests weren’t around, staff laughed and waved when they witnessed us covered in beach towels, lying on sun loungers with sun brollies up... enjoying the last few hours of warm daylight. We knew going back to England tomorrow we’d be returning to snow and a rather drastic plummet in temperatures.

Drinks ordered, we lay on sun beds when the lovely Selina joined us. 

“Where are you all eating tonight?” Selina wanted to know

“We’ve booked into the Chinese for our last meal” I returned misty eyed.

“We’ve invited Frank” Samantha said.

Ninety years young, Frank was such a good guy, a true gent and a delight to be around.
When we walked into our favourite Chinese restaurant that evening, guests and staff could not believe their eyes.  We had little red riding hood (Charlotte) A super sexy bunny (Miranda) a first sexy class airline pilot (Samantha) and me... a masquerade-ball princess. As we walked through for our meal, Frank had the biggest smile. Cheekily I whisper to him that he was behaving like and just reminded me of Charlie with his angels; this simply made his grin deepen. If I say this was the beginning to a hugely wonderful evening, I truly didn’t realise at that point how absolutely amazing it was going to be.

As we wait for starters, music, laughter and cheerfulness emanates throughout the restaurant. It was only when we felt a gentle breeze blow towards our table; we knew someone had entered the restaurant... Imagine our surprise when the hotel manager approached our table laughing, holding up a cat mask he said
“Selina has sent me to see you” He spent a few moments chatting and sharing with us that he felt we’d been good sports all week and the hotel, its guests had appreciated our company... He further said that he would appreciate it if we’d join him for drinks later! 

The four of us were kind of speechless after he left... to have been thanked by the manager him-self was truly a compliment and an honour...
The rest of dinner was fabulous, loads of gorgeous food, copious amounts to drink, all made for a truly magical beginning to what was to become an outstanding night.

Walking slowly back I kept thinking how wonderful we all look and how delighted Frank was at escorting us ladies back to the most beautiful bar in the world. Personally I felt so happy, I wanted to hug myself and everyone else around me. We walked slowly due to Frank’s age, walking slowly also had perks... In a world of my own, I looked at my friends and realised how much I truly loved each and every one of them with their complete acceptance of most of what I might say, my thoughts made me emotional. As we walked further through our beautiful hotel grounds and its immense corridors, the black and whiteness of its marble reminds me just how gorgeous our surroundings are... As I Listen to my huge masquerade ball gown swishhhhh along marble, I know my heart forever keeps, holds, and locks in tight irreplaceable memories from our week in Malta... I also know my mask hides misty eyes that glisten enough to bring my girls rushing towards me, luxuriously, allowing me the time to hold them tight for a whole five minutes... then realising they were getting worried I laughed, come on... last one to the bar buys the drinks... that was more than enough to kick start all of us (except Frank of course) into the well known bar run...  
Unfortunately Miranda came last and then moaned and moaned the whole way through ordering our round of drinks... Smiling at her irritation, I looked about the room it looked so beautiful, everything glistened and that’s when I see the strictly come dancing team, rush over towards us...

As they all push closer to look...

“Oh girls you look absolutely wonderful”...

The mood feels beautiful, people are happy; music blares... it’s going to be a brilliant night.
The dancing’s wonderful. We’re all up; the music’s taking us there... mind-you, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, as we all know, drink helps.

Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte, Selina and I were up and it felt great. The atmosphere pure electric, the place filled up fast and the bar, buzzed, mega busy.  The DJ started taking requests and the whole of the bar started to join in a circle, a circle that grew and grew... through the flashing lights the music started up and I heard Frank Sinatra’s voice call, New York New York... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-ZUXQuFcnw  The atmosphere twitched and trembled as every single person in that bar joined hands and started dancing in an unbroken circle, the smiles, the ambience hit everyone... kicking legs high we sang with Frank Sinatra and as New York ,New York faded, the girls and I went to the stage eager and happy to address the crowd, telling them we’d had a fabulous week and although we were really sorry to be going...  the memories we would take with us, would never fade... We called Frank over and thanked him for looking after us... his eyes misted as he thanked us back, saying he’d really enjoyed our company and was sad we were leaving. Individuals were coming up and hugging us and saying goodnight and goodbye...
Phew I said, how the heck do you beat this? “You don’t” whispered Miranda.

A restless night and a sad journey home... but once again, at Manchester airport despite our sadness at leaving Malta, we rejoiced at landing on familiar territory. As I kissed and dropped my last friend off I put my foot down in a bid to reunite with my beautiful man...

Will I go to Malta again? I don’t think so; you cannot expect to repeat perfection a second time around!

THE END

Meditation and the Journey.

Today I learned... Buddha is a complete way of life, concerned with the wholesome development of the individual. In the words of Buddha himself: Learn to do good, Cease to do harm, Control the mind, and Benefit others. These are principles I try to live by, but being tutored feels especially beneficial in helping my understanding of things that I questioned before.

Not being completely sure what to expect from my pre-booked meditation class, I arrived at the school, parked up quickly then as I stepped out of the car I felt the nerves begin to twitch. Hurrying through the school car park, no clue where to gain entrance, I saw the back of a lonely figure a few yards ahead of me. Calling out... the young lady turned and without taking breath I asked where K Block was, she smiled and said she had no idea then asked where I wanted to go... Meditation, I said breathlessly, aha she smiled that’s where I am going.  As if by magic, I now had someone to walk into class with. All day I had been anxious and dreaded the very thought of walking in alone. It was almost like my prayers had been answered. Good start I thought!

The room not as I imagined a meditation-room to be was an ordinary class-room the students used for drama. There were film posters around the walls, books and tapes. I observed the seated individuals and yes despite my surroundings, I sensed something very calm about the room and its occupants.

Welcoming the class our teacher introduced herself. We spent the first part of our time with a prayer and then with a teaching on different levels of ‘happiness and love’ and what that meant in terms of how we perceived and dealt with these emotions. There was a lot more to it and I felt the teacher explained herself very well... despite me never having attended before, I had a clear grasp on what she was saying and it all made perfect sense to me. I felt like I’d been here before and I understood the concept of the message and at that point I felt a warmth begin to spread inside of me. Previously I’d worried I wouldn’t understand, and yet here I was in a new class, I felt completely at home. I knew I had made the right decision to attend.

Our first mediation about to begin... I felt incredibly nervous and I wanted to laugh... My teacher told us to relax, place both feet flat on the floor and hold our hands in our laps, whichever way felt comfortable, and to help stop hands from moving we were to hold our thumbs close together. Throughout the first meditation all I heard was her soft soothing voice. I have to admit, I kept opening my eyes, thoughts kept breaking through. I felt frustrated knowing this is just what happens at home, I’m never going to be able to quieten my mind I thought negatively. There was a further Buddha teaching, which I found very interesting, it made me think of the possibilities of these new thoughts, especially now they were being explained to me. We then had a second meditation this was called a ‘Contemplation Meditation’ by this time I felt more comfortable and felt able to relax. Throughout I concentrated on my breath... My teacher told us if you find thoughts invading your mind; concentrate on the breath as you inhale through your nostrils... Each and every time those thoughts penetrated, I immediately took myself to the breath and it worked... so much so, I almost fell asleep and experienced a complete blankness which had an amazing affect on me. As long as I have lived, that’s never happened. I have never been able to have nothing on my mind...   After ‘Contemplation Meditation’ we got to chat to each other over coffee. I further discovered all of the participants had been doing meditation for a couple of years and longer... they were friendly and I didn’t feel awkward.

I also learned how Buddhism teaches us to overcome problems and difficulties by understanding and overcoming their causes. I understood from discussion that normally we look outwards for answers to problems, Buddha teaches us to look inwards. He shows how feelings of dissatisfaction arise from negative states of mind. He offers methods to eliminate these by developing generosity, compassion, wisdom and other positive states of mind. Cultivating these qualities, we discover an inner state of peace and strength.

Throughout the two hours in class and further reading, I learned the word Buddha means ‘Awakened One’ A Buddha is one who has awakened from an ignorant sleep, sees things as they really are and is free from faults and mental obstructions.

The Buddha school I attend encourages people from all ethnic backgrounds to adopt the wisdom and compassion of Buddha and to put it into practice in a way that suits their particular culture...

After all I have seen and felt over the last twenty-four hours ... My passion rises to unknown heights and although I know this is probably ludicrous to some. It will be magical to others...

Be true to yourself and don’t be afraid to explore unknown depths.

Stay with me ~ Namaste

This Beautiful Mad, Mad World...

Remember whilst reading this article... It’s been said many times ‘You have to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before you really experience what they are going through’ we are powerful; with every thought, word, choice and action, we determine our future and how we perceive the world and its inhabitants... I want to see my world differently before it’s my turn to get off... I want to know I did everything right and to the best of my ability... I cannot over emphasise the importance of engaging at as many levels as possible, to purely attain your own knowledge and understanding to see and support the connection between us all, and there is a connection, a beautiful one that needs a little understanding to help us focus on the correct way to do things...  

As you read these words some individuals are on the internet busily networking or browsing for a better life. Other individuals are @ the gym, others are out shopping possibly passing a homeless person begging for their living. Parents are driving children to school or taking them to appointments; others remain at home searching job papers or sadly sat in a chair depressed at the very thought of going to work or simply living their life.

Whilst we may be aware that everyone is different, the same questions press through hearts and minds ‘How can I live today, where can I look to have a sense of well-being when my life it is dissolving right in front of me? How can I find the happiness I use to feel in this unreliable, unpredictable world? Where might I find peace of mind I desperately yearn? I share this, hoping to stop others from rushing around in this mad, mad world... it’s so important to see where you’re going, what you’re doing and why! Sensing those reasons as well as remembering this life is for living.  Your physical and mental survival is important. So is the realisation that we are not just here for ourselves, it’s terribly important how we live, love, share and experience life... these essential skills impact on just about everything, who we are and what we do...  

I've become aware that I’m going through some sort of transition... I have this incredible feeling that this should have happened many moons ago, but, for whatever reason I realise clearly I managed to put it off... Now my yellow brick road is moving again and I have a clear sense of change... hopefully it will be for the better!

Knowing I have company on this journey is comforting... because even if you don’t talk to me, I know you're there!

I enjoy reading positive affirmations to encourage me on my life’s path... I’ve always magically known, within all human-beings there lie’s a seed of enlightenment but, I also understand intuitively we have to be in the right place at the right time and just for added measure, be experiencing certain conditions for it to sprout... I’ve come to believe that self-actualisation is a powerful process and in embracing this we learn so much about ourselves in the process... This experience is not just for me, and willingly I share my all in the hope that I help someone else on this sometimes bumpy journey. 

To me self-empowerment will raise many questions as well as bring answers,  joy, and I suspect I will realise the me I am, the me I want to be, and the me I’m meant to embrace... if I manage to bring with that clarity more power to love, give, reward, share joyfulness, contentment, peace, healing, acceptance, genuine unconditional thoughts and attain a deeper wisdom then I will be happy to simply understand what all of that means, and share my experiences of attaining such beauty within my life...  I also know I have been through much and sadly I have to contain such sadness which I've grown to understand further enables a person to become a much stronger character... It also means I don’t have a problem talking about or understanding my own weaknesses, my faults, strengths etc...  Knowing I have done something about them is half way to reaching my goals of which I have many.

Please, stay with me!

Heart Body & Soul

For most of my life for one reason or another I lived in fear... then I became a mother and as if by magic I was no longer afraid... With my new role I changed, I grew and I blossomed. No one fitted the role better or more perfect... She was my beautiful girl, my heart-beat and I would always make life comfortable, safe, secure and happy... Unlike me she would have more than the basics in life, I would go with-out and I'd always make sure she felt the sparkling, enchantment of her precious childhood...

If you’re like me then sometimes in this life you may wonder ‘what the hell happened’ or better still ‘how do we get through this’ or maybe more realistically ‘how do we live with it’... the ‘IT’ in my world is continuing to deal with the fallout that we as a family are still experiencing since 2009... If you have read my brief but personal account of that horrendous time http://angeljanesworld.blogspot.com/2011/08/desmoid-tumour-research-foundation.html  then I’m sure you will know, maybe even understand the devastating effects that something like that can have on a family... During the past two years my journey has been hard, because not only am I struggling to accept that my beautiful girl has a lifelong condition but also the intense horror knowing that to date, there is no known cure... the doctors, even specialists all seem to have different view points and no two treatments appear to be the same, which is terribly disconcerting. 

I use to visualise my life’s journeys as a magical, shiny yellow brick road, the one from the film, ‘Wizard of Oz’ that path has not been an easy one and like others I have occasionally veered off from my journey, but since the’ IT’ came into our lives, it’s been extremely hard to visualise anything... sadly this has managed to send me spiralling emotionally out of control towards a darkness that I really didn’t want to penetrate... As a mother I don’t need to tell any parent how it feels not to be able to make it better, but when not making it better means not being able to do anything at all to ease your child’s worry’s or hurt then it’s hard to come to terms with. For me personally, it’s fallen into me being just ok, managing and supporting everyone else, to me screaming silently for someone to save and support me.  All this accumulates into a deep, dark stress which overwhelms a person into believing the opposite of everything they once believed... I use to believe so much prior to this and I always produced a happy face believing even if I wasn’t really happy, the fact I was able to convince others I was, made it better...

During the last two years I believe I developed illnesses when there wasn’t any. I felt darkness come and it stayed, because I made it easy to remain... I stopped confiding in my loved ones because I felt they had enough to cope with without me adding even more pressure. I genuinely thought I might die if I allowed myself to think of the unthinkable and although I’m not through the hoop yet, I made an important decision a couple of weeks ago... I sensibly decided, I’m no good to anyone in my present state and the best thing to do was tell the Doctor, tell him how I truly felt about things, instead of keeping most of my thoughts to myself, pretending to be half ok... With that enlightening admission, a wealth of help and support came and do you know what?  ~ It meant I didn’t overwhelm my lovely family with all the gory details of how I was feeling, which helped me feel much better...  After my disclosure, my clever GP referred me to the Gym, where I‘ve taken up Tai Chi. I also start Buddha meditation classes next week, something I’ve always been interested in... Already my pulse rate has lowered, maybe that’s an indication of how it’s going to progress. I’ve read recently about the Buddha principles, of their way of life and what it means. I don’t quite understand meditation except to say its explained simply as a tool for developing qualities such as inner peace, love and patience, all of which I need right now. On that note I will keep you posted and blog about my first night...   which will be next Wednesday.

To update my girl’s progress... A couple of weeks ago Christies offered her amputation, I can tell you right now, at that moment in the clinical, pristine consultation room, our world stopped,collided and crashed... I didn’t want to breathe, when I looked over at the consultant, I saw clearly he'd also stopped breathing... such news is obviously as painful for them as it is for us to hear... looking over to my girl, I saw big blue frightened eyes, they said it all... to this day, I’ll never know, how I managed not to cry my heart out...

If I tell you I have the strongest girl in the world then please believe me, because within 10mins of hearing that dreadful conclusion, she was up using fighting talk, advising me that no way was anyone taking her arm off... Her words not mine>>>She continued without taking a breath>>> I would rather live a short life being able-bodied, then a long life disabled and miserable... I tried to talk to her about people managing with these very sad conditions, her argument, we are all different mum and for me it can never happen... For someone so young It struck me I'd brought up a very strong, opinionated individual, who has her own mind and is ready for the fight.  My own conclusion to that awful day in the consultation room >>> If she can fight this, then so can I...

We’re a team, bonded heart body and soul.

The Message

To the Happy Little Girl I always wanted to be.......... This life is not over!  

The room is every bit as ancient as the past... I watch the light fade upon familiar faces in an eerie twilight kind of way, I sense silence could be cut with a knife, but the absolute knowledge that I’m actually asleep, watching from afar and completely aware of a progressively frightening situation, makes the experience all the more outlandish. The whole atmosphere abhorrent, I sit rigid, clutching off white cobwebbed table linen. I know categorically I don’t want to be here but a much, bigger part of me recognises sweet childhood faces. I instinctively know that right now, this is the place I must be.

Just as I hear a child’s far away cry this briefly tenses me a whole lot further, movement at the head of the table signifies I really do know this child; I stare hard at the little blonde-haired boy, he moves in slow motion towards mouldy, mouse infested food which sits right in front of him. Slowly, unbelieving, I look to the left of the little Blonde boy, another sad whisper of a child; her beautiful, sad, empty eyes stare beseechingly towards me... Next to her, a woman, auburn hair wildly backcombed, empty eyes which don’t stare because, for some reason I don’t see a light or any recognition and If you asked directly I would insist she look’s dead, that would be if her right hand wasn’t twitching as it rests upon the table.

I breathe deep as I inhale tiny particles of dust from the room. On the other side of the table I see another young boy, his eyes ice blue and full to the brim with tears. Immediately I fill up myself. I’m beginning to understand the strange significance of this... to his left another little boy, slightly older and again reaching forward for food, food that is no longer viable but, there's a hunger moving around the table. Again the faraway child’s intense cry sounds louder, crying longer each time it penetrates the room.  I look to the walls, instantly I observe rosy pictures... childhood pictures of photo’s that should have been taken but weren’t, happy faces of beautiful children as they play together without a care in the world... the strange thing is though when I see each and every photo it fizzles, leaving a dark, angry mark on the walls of the room.  

I look back to the table; my family still stationary although now they all look towards me, I stifle a scream as I clearly see that the skin on their faces has disgustingly begun to decompose...  Leaning back in my chair... I know these children are my siblings and the woman is our mother... I realise the dream means so much more, I especially sense the closure, it explains at long last that no matter what I would have done in a life, present or previous, there would have been nothing I could have done to make all the adult wrongs right... I know I am blessed to have been given such beautiful brothers and sister, but sadly knowing the rights or even wrongs on the journey wouldn’t have made the path for us any easier... eventually only we, individually, could do that through making right choices! ... Watching the scene before me I raise very slowly, I don’t want to wake-up yet... Unfinished business... I still hear the child crying, I also feel the thread between us and confusingly it’s very strong. I desperately want to see her, comfort her and tell her it’s going to be alright!

The big brown, dirty door is heavy as it opens. Nervously I step into a dark, dismal corridor... My eyes adjust to the darkness and just outside that door; there she sits, cross-legged. Her tiny shoulders shudder gently with each cry as it struggles to erupt from her throat; her dark blonde head rests on her chest.  Slowly I bend to try and reassure her it is going to be alright. Crouching down, I place my hand tentatively on her head. A few moments pass, her tears begin to stop, when she looks upto me, I gasp almost falling over, the reason I do this is because instantly I recognise myself ... The sadness, overwhelmingly explodes within us both. Naturally I reach forward; standing her up I tenderly wrap her in complete unconditional love, as I carefully whisper...

“Jane you don’t worry anymore, it’s going to be ok, you’re going to be alright, never forget I love you”   

Desmoid Tumour Research Foundation ...

On Sunday 23^rd Oct 2011 come rain or shine

A Fun Run~ Running for Answers.

Will take place in Fairmount Park Philadelphia PA

Organised by Desmoid Tumour Research Foundation: In aid of Fibromatosis Desmoid Tumours...  

In 2009 my family received terrible news... When you’re told your child has a tumour, you instinctively take it that the tumour is cancerous and your world begins to fall apart...  We were referred to a specialist hospital over a 100miles away and after a consultation, a thorough examination and a rather difficult biopsy we waited for what seemed like forever.

The verdict was in... ~ Benign ~ I almost passed out with the joy of pure relief... Fibromatosis ~ a name was thrown down the telephone,  but I was too busy laughing and hugging my beautiful girl and thanking god and the consultant ~ it’s going to be ok I told her, it’s going to be ok...
How wrong I was... 2011 after one extremely invasive operation and god knows how many trips backwards and forwards to the specialist hospital... my girl decided after a final consultation and the distressing news, she was going to lose her arm ~ she quite rightly wanted a 2^nd opinion.

I won’t go on or into details, except to say she’s been referred to ‘Christies Cancer hospital’ (despite it not being a Cancer) the hospital advised it would be treated like a cancer and a treatment plan has been put into place... I delicately share this very personal experience with you, because my beautiful girl is now fighting something we all call the Beast... The tumour is an aggressive ‘Fibromatosis Desmoid Tumour’ a rare tumour, that is hell bent on staying. It clones itself in an attempt to protect her from an injury she received in 2009... Resulting in scar tissue which has gone out of control and DNA’s become involved... Throughout this nightmare journey, she’s been brave, strong and dignified and because of her own research, she came into contact with a page on facebook called http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/desmoidtumorRF/  On the day she found this group I’ll never forget the relief in her voice as she said, “Mum I’ve found others with my condition”... I wont discuss statistics, but just to say, this is a rare tumour... I’m not a professional or a person with medical knowledge, I’m a really scared mum who half the time feels completely lost, due to the past few years of groping around in the dark, frantically trying at times to make it better for my girl...

However along the way I have learned the Dr’s, consultants and Specialists etc. have different viewpoints, but they all seem to agree on one thing, unfortunately it’s a lifelong condition and something no one seems to know very much about... The Fibromatosis Desmoid Tumour group gain strength and support from one another, we all keep in contact, helping one another in as many ways as we can... but we desperately need your help, support and a positive connection, which, is one of the reasons why I and others communicate incessantly through Twitter & facebook to get the message out, to raise awareness as well as fundraise for research, a much needed cure and as many treatments as necessary...  A ‘Fun Run’ called ‘Running for Answers ‘ has been organised by Desmoid Tumour Research Foundation which is based in America.

Anyone can go to the link (below) quickly and easily, donate as little or as much as you like... As well as this being a personal account it also asks graciously, if you could help ~ I more than anyone knows the state of some finances in households right across the globe, but if you can't donate please dont worry, instead, help spread awareness so that this condition gets the recognition and support that it rightly deserves... We regularly tweet about it on Twitter.... @Fibromatosis & @angeljane01

Here’s the link if you wish to DONATE... http://www.active.com/donate/rfa2011/itcanhappen2u2  every single donation goes directly to (Desmoid Tumour Research Foundation)
I pray hard that someone, somewhere will one day be able to help us get-rid of this awful condition and loved ones will be saved from aches, pain, discomfort and the uncertainty they face each and every day...

Obviously we would like to collect more but The goal: $1000 ~ To date we are 61% towards that goal... Can you please help?

If you’d like to know more: http://www.dtrf.org/dtrf_thefoundation.htm

Angel and the gang Thank you :)

Maltese Chronicles 2010... Part 6

Thursday 02-12-10

Another day in paradise!

Hazy heat beat down as we sat waiting for our coach. Today we’re going to Gozo ~ a beautiful, dramatic Island. An excursion... we’ve looked forward to this since our arrival in Malta.

As we Waited for our beautiful, luxurious, air conditioned coach; you can imagine our absolute disappointment when a clapped out, white transit van pulls up outside our rather posh hotel....

“Well girls” Miranda crowed “you get what you bloody well pay for” 

The four of us crept onto the van in a muted silence, hoping sincerely, that no one would see us.

Sitting to quickly, all four urgently pull out huge sunglasses, then gently, we disappear into well worn stained seats as we pull sunhats around our faces.

“Who the hell told us to come with this shit company” Samantha hissed.

“You Samantha, you” we all seethed.

“Come on guys, it will be fine” Charlotte ever the peacemaker, smiled.

On the ferry, we relax, order drinks and chill. We step off where we’re quickly ushered along to meet our designated Tourist Guide.

Standing in the Queue...

“Maybe he’ll be handsome or better still maybe he’ll be handsome and available” I laugh towards Samantha

“He better be, I’m getting desperate now”

“Oh no” whispered Miranda, “not another transit van”

“Hello, I’m Michael your guide for today”

Samantha’s mouth drops open ~ Miranda, Charlotte and I giggle ~ she really is desperate!

Michael who by the way is built like the back end of a bus, black spiky hair, brown eyes that seem to be focused but aren’t.

Once we’re seated in the van, Michael gets himself into the driving seat, we all screech as the back end of the van rises...

“Oh my god how much does he weigh” cries Charlotte. We all look around nervously. I have a feeling this is not going to be the excursion we were so looking forward to.

On our way at last, we drive through amazing scenery and to our delightful surprise, Michael turns out to be a brilliant, well informed tour guide, he definitely knows the island, its history and his information is coming across as interesting.

During our first stop, Samantha asks him to take some photos of us as a group. The views breathtaking and as Michael is taking a picture, Samantha’s now well known phrase echo’s around the mountains...

“Michael... have you got a girlfriend?”

“Yes I have a wife and 10 kids” Michael beams

“Oh my good god” she gasps.

The three of us double over in stitches, laughing at the shock across her face.

I looked at Michael and smiled, he couldn’t have said anything better, he then looks in my direction and as if he knew what I was thinking, he winks mischievously; this of course makes me laugh harder... I knew he’d told a porky, serves her right I thought, serves her bloody well right.

Half way through our day... a day which was turning out to be wonderful, Michael drops us off in a lovely, sleepy town, so that we can lunch and shop for a few hours. The sights and sounds feel wonderful.... we order lunch knowing we’re going to go shopping  to grab a bargain and if we have time we’re going to pay a visit to a fancy castle.

We arrive back approximately 5pm – the four of us decide to walk back to the hotel. On our way back we discover a fabulous street which for those of you who are old enough to remember, reminds me of the age old programme, the streets of San Francisco. As we walk along, a man waves at us and shout “Yahoo, yahoo” surprised, we look at one another.

“Is he talking to us?” 

We all turn back to see if he’s waving to someone behind us because, now he’s shouting too.

“Is he waving at you or us?” I enquire to a young girl behind us.

“It’s my uncle” she giggles “but listen he is probably talking to you”

As we walk by, Samantha looks back receiving a very sexy wink.

“Down tiger” Miranda growls...

Laughing, we hurry to get back to the hotel so that we can ready ourselves for another evening of food, drink and dance.  we also want to chat about our last evening together on the beautiful Maltese Island... We’d already decided to go in fancy dress... I was to be a carnival queen, Miranda a bunny girl, Charlotte little red riding hood and Samantha as usual had us in hysterics, she told us she’d decided she was going as an airline pilot...

Friday, our last night... was going to be a lot more than interesting, but one thing was for sure, we all need an early nite to prepare for hopefully a wonderful last evening together.

Juliana The Dancer...

Juliana the Dancer is a beautiful, fun-loving girl. She's completely unaware that there is much to be frightened of but, life is wonderful and living is fun! Until one terrible night, she leaves herself vulnerable and wide open to attack from an unsavoury character who has vowed to kill her........

Mist rolled quickly down the hill around her, she was very soon enveloped in an eerie, unfamiliar cloak … It was only when she felt it’s icy, penetration from within, that she began to shiver uncontrollably. Horrendously, she began recalling what had happened... Shaking her aching head, listening to sinister sounds through pitch blackness, she started to crawl tentatively along the edge of the hill, despite her injuries, she was mindful to stay close to the ground, just in case he returned. Hot tears squeezed through bruised, swollen eyelids, her tongue felt like a brick, swollen and dry it was stuck firmly to the roof of her mouth. Juliana panted because she could hardly breathe. The taste of blood made her feel sick.

She heard an unusual noise which stopped her in her tracks; listening as hard as she could she felt the fear of god knows what... Terrified she stifled a cry, biting down on her lower lip she tasted fresh blood, pushing herself deeper into the sludgy, slimy mud she almost screamed as she felt him breeze past like a puff of wind and that’s when she smelt a vile, familiar odour, her mind rigged flashbacks as she remembered with clarity the previous few hours... clearly as if she’d turned the TV on she started seeing the vicious attack. Oh my god, she realised with icy terror, he’s returned to finish the job.

In the pitch of darkness her senses alive, her mind a luminous machine, savagely detecting, searching the immediate vicinity for danger. Then she heard his malevolence whisper,
“You may hide, but, you will never escape, as long as there is blood in my veins and breath in my body I will find you my beauty, I will find you and I will kill you”
Momentarily, her senses arrested from the fresh wave of adrenalin. He was near, very near, his footsteps, told her he was uncertain... his steps nervously went to the left, then to the right. She knew he wasn’t sure about anything except his own fear, he was panic stricken. Her new luminous mind machine sensed a tidal wave of air from the left; a heavy steel knife hit her hard... he started to run, he ran like the wind.

Lying motionless Juliana’s breath came in quick painful jerks, her heart hammered, sore, swollen eyes now closed shut from the vicious assault. Seeing through tender slits was nigh-on-impossible, especially in the dark and right now being alone, was not what she wanted. Her focus, to escape but, only once she was sure he’d gone. Juliana lay quiet a little longer as she held on tightly to the heavy knife he’d thrown just before he scampered off like a wild animal.

Juliana wasn’t sure how long she’d lay in the deep, wet mud, but she knew it was time to make a move. From her photographic memory, all sorts of information had been retrieved. Slowly but surely, she realised what’d happened. Seeing the bigger picture made her realise it had definitely been an incident waiting to happen.

Juliana was a rising star, an up and coming dancer. A young lady going places and sadly you know what can sometimes happen to happy go lucky, carefree, spirited characters... unfortunately they can occasionally pick up insecure, loose cannons. At this terrible moment in time, Juliana became conscious that she’d fallen prey to a dangerous stalker.

Still weeping and shivering she commenced crawling, lifting her head a little at a time. She had no idea where she was, she was cold and the mist still hung low for as far as she was able to see which wasn't ar in the darkness...

Crawling in the clinging mud, her mind drifted off to earlier in the day... Juliana had been out for the evening for a friend’s birthday tea, a few drinks and an amazing time later she called a taxi. Juliana’s carefree smile washed over the taxi driver as she paid him. Then strolling the short distance towards her front door whilst at the same time she leisurely searched her handbag for the door key... beautiful Julianna completely unaware that there was an evil entity lurking in the shadows, waiting...waiting, to pounce.

Juliana didn’t stand a chance. He hit her over the head with his trusty rounder’s bat, expertly bundled her hurt and bleeding into the back of his dirty old van, her loose, lifeless body, bounced around as he drove at breakneck speed towards the dark, inviting countryside. His deed done, he’d show her... he’d warned her... several times, but they never listen!

His van raced at 100miles an hour, raced like his manic brain, when he heard her groan from the back.

Infuriated, he slammed to a stop, doused the lights and then shot to the back of the van, a pure black hatred in his eyes... surveying his position In a farmer’s field which was closely surrounded by forever rolling hills, he threw open the van doors dragging her viciously by the hair. No respect shown, he was all consumed by a dark red hatred of her for not giving him some special attention. He was going to make her pay...

He continued dragging her and as she woke from out of her unconsciousness, he savagely kicked out catching her eye. The pain red-hot seared through her head, blood spurted from her left eye, she screamed a high pitch terror-filled scream which caused him to stop, he dragged her to her feet punching her in the face, his hope, to knock her out... No room for screams, no room for noise, not even in this wide open wilderness.

His idea didn’t work she screamed again so, he knew he’d have to shut her up. Efficiently he drew the glinting, heavy, stainless steel blade from out of his jacket pocket, and then sickeningly he hit her with the full force of its thick mother of pearl handle, more blood oozed copiously, through beautiful blonde hair. Silence...

Sighing heavily, he commenced dragging her roughly across dirty wet grass. He visibly flinched as he caught sight of lights from another vehicle driving towards him or at least that’s what it looked like. He ran faster dragging her towards the bottom of the hill. She was heavy, so, he threw her lifeless body into the bracken as he ran towards his van. With lights off, he drove in the opposite direction from the oncoming vehicle.

By this time the mist was much thicker and swirled hard around everything it stroked.

Sometime later Juliana found herself stood upright. Hands frozen she frighteningly whimpered as she could not feel her feet. There was a rigid terror to her very core; standing like a poker she prayed he wouldn't return. She needed to get help but her handbag had gone. Looking around, she couldn’t see any lights, not even road lights.

To Be Continued...