If You...

Don’t you just love it when you’re in love?

Don’t you love how it feels when the mind is a screwed up turmoil of emotions which rages ahead like a torrent?

(Whispering these words she knew he could hear, but she wasn’t sure if he was listening)

If you look inside my mind you’ll see a zillion thoughts raging through a maze of time.

If you look into my eyes, you’ll recognise they truly are the windows to my soul. Not only will you see sublime beauty and grace encased with desire, you’ll experience it deeply within your own true spirit.

If you lower those beautiful lashes to happen a look up-on my lips, you’ll realise with every fibre of your ethereal being they were made for you and only you.

If you transpire to look deep inside my heart, I promise you’ll feel completely overwhelmed by the strength of my infinite love, causing you to inhale deeply just from sheer belief...

Then in amongst the majestic swirls of time whilst dreams materialise we’ll feel a true pledge. Wrap your arms around around me and we'll embrace our life with love, It will be then my darling I’ll know at last we’ve come home...

Heart-felt Disappointment...

Disappointment (As defined From Wikipedia, the free encyclopaedia) is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that the individual feeling regret focuses primarily on the personal choices that contributed to a poor outcome, while the individual feeling disappointment focuses on the outcome itself

Late night disastrous thoughts, feelings and remedies on a deep, dark, emotion identified long ago as Disappointment...

Oh my goodness, how do we cope with that big emotional rollercoaster that surrounds disappointment? It’s not very often I forward anything to competition. I don’t know why but for this particular publisher I had good vibes and it felt important. I worked for hours and hours on a story that I thought stood a good chance. The time I spent reaching deep inside myself to pull out the very best. Magically I filled in the never ending pages with interminable ideas and thoughts... My characters were larger than life. They should have been, I based them on real people. I knew them inside out... I knew what they were thinking; I knew their goals, their dreams and their nightmares. Even when I wasn't writing, my characters regularly produced real life movie scenes behind the very bones of my skull. Where did I go wrong? What was missing from my beautiful manuscript? Whilst working on my piece I thought positive thoughts. I had a positive expectancy, my hopes were high...

Reading this article some may think, Too High... but, I don’t. I always try to demand the best from myself. I completed several drafts... looked at it from numerous possible view points... I must have read my script a thousand times, looked through it a million times more, simply to eliminate unnecessary chatter, did it flow right? Was there a beginning, middle and an end? I admit I can waffle; I know my style is direct and thorough. I like to use an uncomplicated jargon. Depending on what I’m writing I like to be me... I’m not perfect. I’m just a person with a dream. An individual who if given half the chance would work so hard to make her dream a joyous reality.

When we put our work out into the literary world, it’s a risk and to be honest it’s a risk I’m prepared to take for as long as I have to... It’s my dream; I want to become a brilliant storyteller... Numerous times in the past I’ve openly reported, I’m realistic, I know I won’t be a big literate but, I will be a good teller of stories. My mind is alive, I have enormous ideas, gigantic thoughts, huge plots, commanding characters and the deal is I want to share them.

Sorry to sound so down but I suppose you could say I’m not having a very good year... It started off so beautifully!

Am I going to do anything differently?

Yes, I think maybe I will!

I’ll still maintain my never ending optimism and remain forever hopeful that I will attain realistic goals. I will gather more knowledge and regularly practice my skills. I will hang around with the right people, read their wonderful books and learn as I progress. I will be open to constructive advice and I will try very hard to surround myself with positive energy... If I collect a few more followers along the way, I know that will classify as positive energy an illuminating light penetrating me with a positive self awareness.

Before I close let me post a poem... just to help you if on occasion you feel like me...

Don't Quit...

Don't quit when the tide is lowest
For it's just about to turn
Don't Quit over doubts and questions
For there's something you may learn
Don't quit when the night is darkest
For it's just a while 'til dawn
Don't quit when you've run the farthest
For the race is almost won
Don't quit when the hill is steepest
For your goal is almost nigh
Don't quit, for you're not a failure
Until you fail to try.
- Author unknown -

Sweet dreams... Tomorrow is another day!

I am becoming a Spiritual Warrior

Dalai Lama:

As long as we observe love for others and respect for their rights and dignity in our daily lives, then whether we are learned or unlearned, whether we believe in the Buddha or God, follow some religion or none at all, as long as we have compassion for others and conduct ourselves with restraint out of a sense of responsibility, there is no doubt we will be happy.

The above statement is one of many I connected with during my research... Today, this is why I’m here...

I have been poorly for a while. Please don’t worry, it’s not life threatening. I share this because it’s totally significant for the many, many reasons I chose my current path which I curiously tread on my journey.

I knew it was time I followed my intuition... unfortunately this is something I’ve been ignoring for as long as I care to remember. The reason for my ignorance may become evident as my writing progresses. In addition, it’s important to point out even at this early stage, ignorance is an affliction we’ve all experienced one way or another.

I won’t go into detail now but I think it’s worth saying, for those of you who know me or are familiar with my writing... you may have an inkling of where I’ve come from. Further more if you’re also familiar with my personality then you’ll probably understand my interest in anything spiritual, especially spiritual awakening.

Being poorly gives you time to think... I decided I wanted to be a better person so I started to do some research. Initially this involved wanting to learn how to meditate... this skill then introduced me to many thoughts, ideas and teachings globally. I ended up becoming overwhelmed with all the information out there. However, I still feel it’s important to take my time and research. I would like to listen to everybody as well as read words, wisdom and ultimately connect.

There are seven principles to spirituality and it’s said that all the principles are important as they are all part of the jigsaw of life. Each principle supports the other and gives you the full picture. Below I have inserted the link for those interested to view...

http://www.pathwaytospirit.co.uk/7-principles-of-spiritualism.htm

Very early on in my research, I quickly saw that Patience is one of the most important qualities we need to possess. During my illness I’ve read many words and watched countless videos on teachings. It’s clearly evident this quality is something that's important to help aid us in our work with others. In addition I learned that being patient means we remain firm, even if we are afraid. What’s more I surprisingly discovered, it is impatient people we learn from... It’s when they choose to show anger displaying their own insecurities; when we especially benefit. We must remain calm. Patience is a way of life; don’t get angry if provoked... Be the teacher. So, instead of feeling angry (even if we have reason) turn the other cheek and bless them.

I recently used this new skill and the wonderful sense of peace I felt was indescribable. I have discovered it really is better to feel for the person in crisis and think positive thoughts about them. Above all do not stress, remain calm and relaxed... I am finding it works. Embrace positive energy. Release the negative. I've also learned an individual who loses it may be physically weak because they are out of control... what causes a person to be out of control? The main culprit appears to be STRESS, Insecurities... it causes all sorts of problems. We all know being around someone who is constantly stressing, screaming, shouting, accusing and controlling. It's not only spiritually damaging it has an impact on daily life...but, it's up to the individual to sort it out... Life is too short, loved ones are so precious; we owe it to them to be whole.

It’s crucial we develop an attitude whereby, we see opportunities for others to benefit which is so much better than just looking out for ourselves. When patience is developed a reserve of calm is found. We are much more pleasant to be around. This helps to create a more positive family life including world around us. I am finding by practising, it helps me to relate with others in a much better way. Personally, I feel I’m more emotionally grounded. With this wonderful new knowledge I’m happy to report I feel a stronger sense of security.

I’ve come to realise in spiritual practice one must refrain from falsehood and live by truth... never mock others, always being humble and truly wanting to help with compassion and a love for others, knowing they have rights and dignity and the important thing here is that it doesn’t matter who, what or where...

I interestingly read and immediately identified with the ‘Dalai Lama’ who implied it is our own experience of suffering which will remind us of what everyone endures. I know this to be true and I strongly feel my inspiration derived from this knowledge may give me extra insight to practice compassion always knowing I will avoid causing others pain.

Everyone wants to be happy just as I do, it reminds me not to be selfish. I realise there is little to be gained from being kind, generous and loving, in the hope I win something in return... I realise actions like these are wrong and I know there is nothing to be gained by this. Also, I see that it’s important to develop a genuine compassion for loved ones. I know this is an appropriate place to start in my spiritual practice. From the teachings, I see the impact of my actions will do loved ones a greater good. But, I also see there should be no discrimination. It is this I wish to work on, which means using compassion and wisdom in a way of learning to help others also for the greater good.

I am learning the mind and body is susceptible to being harmed by negative thoughts and emotions. It doesn’t take long to understand our enemies are not external, they are mental afflictions (as taught by Lama Marut) and it is these mental afflictions that kill happiness. Positivity can, does, and will protect it.

All I have discussed definitely needs consistent practice, along with mediation and exploration of teachings and of course, a never ending interest in other people’s views and perspectives. I’m warmly finding, I feel stronger mentally and spiritually which I hope and pray leads to a physically healthier me.

There is much to talk about on this journey of mine and in sharing findings as well as thoughts; I sense it will help interesting information soak in much quicker knowing I am spreading news by keeping you posted... As I have always said, the world is a beautiful place the people are wonderful... even those that are sadly damaged... it is up to us to take care of them and although it's also been said that one should not boast about good deeds done or otherwise, there is a particular homeless person who I want to be the next beneficiary from my practice because for me that's also important on this journey... It's no secret I've always wanted to make a difference in the world, its well documented in my writing but, but, but... the difference now is that I've discovered if you want to change the world you have to change yourself...

An Angel Warrior on a spiritual mission...

28. Domestic Service. Whispered Dreams..

In the darkness when I close my eyes... I reach out to touch you knowing my dreams will bring you closer. As the dream whispers softly... I stop and inhale, listening carefully just in case I miss you.

Sunday 12 Th September 2010...

Remember there’s reality and then there’s fiction... After sticking with this series, what you choose to think is down to you and of course your own knowledgeable beliefs including imagination... Just remember, the important thing with Domestic Service reports and the very nature of the business is this... It’s supremely imperative that I’m careful what I choose to share...

I woke rather grumpy but desperately tried to get back to sleep, just so I could reinstate myself firmly back into the dream world I was so enjoying... then with a ping of adrenaline I realised today’s my day off. Lying on the bed I ponder, what to do with today’s precious time. Despite my curtains being pulled to, the sunshine pushes through the very fabric of the material. I could even smell my delicious shower crème wafting in from the bathrooms open door. Senses heightened, I lay reflecting.

Having been away with a wonderful family has been a total joy but I’d been very careful to remain mindful and not forget reasons why my team and I have to be continually present in their lives... I’m suspicious though... very suspicious. The great Jonathon arrived part way through the holiday and although his stay was short lived, his presence left the senator and everybody else for that matter more than a little unsettled. At the time I shared these concerns with Jake and it’s been agreed, the great Jonathan (Senators PA) should be looked into and investigated thoroughly.

We returned from our wonderful holiday and arrived back at the senator’s residence during late afternoon on the 6^th September. It didn’t take very long to get back into routines and establish new ones. Part way through the holiday, after Jonathon’s unscheduled visit, I detected a rather strange ambience between the senator and his wife Kristina. I became even more curious when I went into the beach house’s kitchen shortly after Jonathon’s arrival, and discovered Kristina in a distressed agitated state... On gently asking what the matter was, my question was met with an uncharacteristic rebuke, which I immediately backed off from. Kristina is a lovely lady; if something was hurting her then it was personal. I would just wait and be here for her.

Springing back to the present... I want to do something nice today. My mind in a twirl from this thought and that idea. Then it hit me, I knew what I wanted to do... Shopping, I would go and buy some special things. Let people know how much they mean to me... Talking about that particular subject, I never did find a chance on our holiday of a lifetime; to spill the beans to Jake... I was very disappointed, still am! Well it has to be done right.

30minutes later, found me showered and dressed. Standing in the enormous kitchen I flick the button on the coffee pot... patiently waiting for the coffee, I watch its red light pulsate. Taylor and Emily enter the kitchen.

“Hey you two” I grin.

“Hello Crystal” they sang in unison.

“Thought you were off today” Emily cooed.

“I am, just having a much needed coffee before I go shopping”

“Oh ok, by the way Jake was looking for you earlier” Emily reported.

"Yes he asked me where you were too" Taylor followed.

“Right, did he say why?”

“No he just asked for you but I told him today's your day off” Emily winked slyly...

My beautiful soul sister, she didn’t know the full story but she knew I had a soft spot for Jake hence the wink.

“I’m sure I’ll catch him later” Turning to Taylor I ask how she's enjoying being back in the senator’s residence.

“I love it” Taylor cried. “It’s absolutely amazing, I love every single room and the other members of staff are wonderful, so nice to me”

“And so they should be, your a little diamond and such a hard worker” I affectionately touched the top of Taylor’s head as I passed to retrieve a piece of kitchen roll.

“So what you shopping for” Emily whispered.

“Oh now, for that you’ll have to wait and see” I giggled.

“See what” Jake teased as he walked through the kitchen door...

Blowing my coffee I smile as I tell him I'm going shopping...

“Fancy some company?”

I tried very hard to still my thumping heart and refrain from opening my eyes wider than necessary.

“Of course she would like some company, she’s just been telling Taylor and I how she really hates to shop alone”

Emily’s cheeks now crimson, her eyes darting nervously between Jake and me.

“Yes that’s right, I really don’t like shopping alone... if you’re free that would be really nice”

“Ok then two tics and hey Crystal I’ll drive you”

Watching the back of Jake as he disappeared, I still don’t know how I managed to retain my composure. With a brief hug to the girls, I pretend nothing was the matter. On automatic pilot I move slowly towards my room, to finish off getting ready...

Oh my god is this it, is this the right time? Has destiny finally presented itself ?

Pay It Forward...

I’m a big believer in two very important subject matters. The first being the importance with its consequence of ‘how we treat each other’.

The second on the possible magnitude of ‘paying it forward’ I’ve always believed in these two concerns and feel determined as an individual to do all I can to educate where possible. My thoughts and feelings are that this will make the difference to our world by all of us helping to make the world a better place. Let me start with ‘paying it forward’ the writer Catherine Ryan Hyde in 2000 wrote a wonderful book called ‘pay it forward.’ Sometime later it was released as a film because nestled within the books pages a message came across as sincere and significant.

The story behind the title is centred on a 12yr old boy called Trevor who’s given a project from his teacher. His task is to come up with a plan that will change the world through direct action. It’s on his way home that Trevor comes across a homeless individual called Jerry. Trevor decides he’s going to make a difference to Jerry’s life by getting him on his feet.

His plan progresses with him knowing he will do good things for three people. In his pyramid of charitable schemes, the three people must each in turn do good things for three other people. What appears to initially be a failure is indeed a success. It’s not immediately known but is traced backwards by a reporter who’s the benefactor. The initial recipients of Trevor are a drug addict, his badly scarred school teacher, and a classmate who’s constantly bullied by his peers. The film received mixed reviews but I remember feeling this could well have been written by my own hand as I identified with all that Catherine said.

As a believer in paying it forward, I’ve reported in the past our actions, thoughts words and deeds impact somewhere, somehow with someone... As thoughtful beings, and depending on what we are trying to achieve we can make that as good or as bad as we want. There are times when we can do something anonymously and simply sink into the warmth of knowing we did well, and of course there are the times we do things just out of the goodness of our hearts for family, friends and strangers. The other part to this is sometimes we do things and we never get to see what we payed forward but... I always like to bask in the knowledge, occasionally others are not aware of the good we’ve done but I have witnessed countless others on the receiving end and let me say it’s always been a joy to observe.

Whatever you do to help others remember, payback is a thousand times more than you’ll ever think possible... below is a personal favourite part of the film. I hope you have time to Watch & Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGcwG-2owow

A quick mention on the first part of this article, ‘How we treat others’ I’ve just read one of my favourite mediums Lisa Williams's blog. Today she talks about what we put out to people. Lisa shares my own belief that how we treat others is so very often how we ourselves get treated. I totally agree. Remember... ‘Treat others how you would like to be treated yourself’

I’ve inserted Lisa's blog for those interested in further reading her article....

http://www.lisawilliamsmedium.com/welcome-to-my-world/2010/9/11/dont-force-life-live-it.html

Till next time Mwah x

Feelings...

Photo courtesy of joe-ks.com

Just a very quick caption to remind you and others, that I don’t have a problem sharing my mind, my feelings or my life... or even about being open, honest & genuine... For me it’s the absolute best feeling in the whole wide world, I should know I was mute for years.

But thank goodness, not anymore... I have so much to give and so much to learn. This is the time to embrace the world with all its blessings...

I realise not everyone is this demonstrative, but that’s ok because I always sense the barrier and respect.

Love, Light & Laughter x

Are you or could you be an EMPATH...

I’m writing this because of something I learned recently and I consider it to be terribly significant. I’ve decided to hopefully produce an enlightening article... covering a few facts that I carefully researched... I want to share this because until recently I’d never even heard of an Empath. When I looked further into this interesting subject I discovered something amazing. That I could possibly be an Empath... in a bright illuminating flash my path and its journey finally made sense.

For those of you who may not know... Being an Empath is having a unique ability to read and comprehend people. It doesn’t seem to matter if this gift is voluntarily or involuntary you still have a capacity to be in tune with others and occasionally when this happens it can overwhelm and sometimes hurt your very own being.

A lot of times Empaths are completely unaware of their gift but... they grow up sensing strongly they’re different in terms of recognising they’re extra sensitive to other peoples psyche, thoughts, feeling and emotions. Empaths have an ability to scan another person’s psyche and as strange as it may seem Empaths are unaware of how this actually works.

From my research I see being an Empath is much about knowing the truth. It cannot be hidden from you, no matter how hard someone tries because you feel/sense and know it. Empaths very often possess the ability to sense others on so many different levels; it’s important and comes from being observant of many things in others. Because of the way I was brought up... I ended up becoming gifted at walking into a room, scanning and then I would be able to advise on how every person in the room was feeling. Initially this gift came to me for very different reasons... My gift transpired out of necessity because I was always trying to keep myself safe (I was a victim of abuse on many levels) ... when I was really small I figured out if I knew how people were feeling, I’d be able to disappear quickly.

I see from current reading that Empaths have a biological/genetic and a distinct spiritual aspect. It seems those who are Empaths grow with these qualities as a whole package and may not learn about them until later in life... to which I must say I feel I’m a good example. I also hear being an Empath is inherited, genetic... inherent in our DNA and is passed from generation to generation. It has been studied both by traditional science and of course alternative practitioners.

I very much wanted to make a list of traits for an Empath, but on scouring the incredible amount of information on the internet, I felt unable to make that list as the traits were many...

I particularly enjoyed reading that Empaths are known to be born writers, singers and artists with a high degree of imagination, talent and creativity. Empaths are not just good listeners they are what I would label, intent listeners. They are also extremely affectionate not just in personality but also in expression. Speaking from experience, I would say, Empaths totally understand the past, present and future more especially the hereafter. They don’t have problems expressing love or goodwill, especially if they feel the receiver will benefit from their words, actions or deeds.

It is believed by many that Empaths are often quiet, also rather than receive a compliment they would rather point out another’s positive attributes. I know myself; I’m very expressive in all areas of emotional connection. I talk openly in respect of myself. I’ve also read that learning Empaths are good at blocking out others but that’s seen as a good thing, because being an Empath often means being open to a barrage of emotions which at times overwhelms. Empaths usually ignore their own needs. I know if an area is filled with conflict this creates a very uncomfortable feeling, causing us to attempt as soon as possible to settle the situation. I’ve also read we are sensitive to TV, Videos, movies, News etc. This is spot on... I find I cannot watch violence or sustain watching a drama that is highly emotional especially if its graphically shocking or if there are scenes of pain being inflicted on anyone, man, woman, child or animal, it quickly reduces me to tears as I struggle to comprehend why anyone would want to do such a thing.

I hear people from all walks of life are attracted to Empaths, this I know to be true... if I had a penny for every time I’d heard these wonderful words...

“I feel like I’ve known you forever”

I’m sure I would be nigh on close to a millionaire. I have found people even strangers say, they felt drawn to me. With most people I also feel that same warm wonderful connection. They also say they can’t believe how they went on to pour out their heart and soul, despite not intending too. I know it’s because they sense I’ll listen not just with understanding but also with compassion and importantly they know, feel and sense they can trust me.

I think it’s safe to say not only are Empaths the listeners of life they are also studiers, problem solvers and thinkers. The first time I was aware I was listening to somebody think I was in the company of my own father... I recall on many occasions I would sit in his presence and listen to him thinking. He was one of life’s thinkers just like I am now...

If you’re interested in looking at further information on all of the above I found this site a good one to check out: I used Elise’s site amongst others to do some research and found it to be a very good resource for helping one understand Empaths on a much deeper level. http://www.eliselebeau.com/empathResources.php

Till next time a million Hugs

Closing the door...

If I was with a loved one and sensed no feelings of warmth and their behaviour displayed this consistently... always reeking of a cold heartedness. Then there could be no doubt for me, they don’t love, respect, want or need me ...

When I acquired my platform and decided bravely to open my heart with a view to sharing thoughts, feelings, dreams and parts of my life (some painful) by writing about them. Instantly I felt anxious just in case others felt my writing wasn’t good enough. I further worried in case others might disrespect me and my writing with the awful possibility of them even laughing. I realised scarily I was perhaps putting myself into a very uncertain world. When I look back to those worries I identify clearly, I merely lacked in confidence...

All in all, my blogging experience has been wonderful, healing, and therapeutic. I’ve discovered another world. Believe it or not, it’s significantly helped me to discover myself... I’ve previously written an article about this kind of communication and it's definitely not for everybody. For me, it continues to be a brilliant, consistent encounter with my true best friend...

I’m happy to report I’ve been more then pleasantly surprised... in just over a year I’ve thankfully only had one negative unstructured comment, which I discovered through a 3^rd party. I knew from then on any further negative remarks could never be as bad as hearing that particular one, in view of whom it was from... All I will share is this... each and every one of us is entitled to our own opinion. The difference is some people can do it with honey whilst others do it with vinegar. It’s completely up to the individual and their personality and of course the motive behind the comments...

Occasionally in life I find myself focusing and then curiously placing myself in other people’s shoes. I do try very hard to be fair when sensing, possibly understanding, why one would continue to hold on to a heart of stone and an irritating holy than thou attitude, which overwhelms everybody when witnessing, jumped up superiority... I’ll never understand why anyone would keep a determined grip on negative, unrealistic, unfounded accusations. To most of us I know that would be utterly senseless, it gets one nowhere. Life my super doper floating little time bomb is precious, but unfortunately short... So learn fast and try where possible to make amends to those that matter.

In my heart I very often cry because I know despite being told there is so much you don’t comprehend... I’d always hoped you would understand or simply see straight before it's too late. However, my present wish will be that one day you will. By then though I'll sadly know, you and your life won’t ever be the same... the regret will be tremendous. The experience is irreversible and the loss will be unbearable.

As a family member myself, a mother and a friend, I’ve found on very odd occasions there have been times when I’ve had to bite my tongue, turn the other cheek, swallow anger or pride to allow for time out or direct more thought towards uncomfortable issues, importantly keeping the door ajar for stubborn ones. But, it’s been oh so worth it, just too simply keep hold of all those precious people in my life.

Some of us often become sadly aware that there’ll always be certain stubborn individuals, who for whatever reason are unable to grasp the concept and its reason. They then go on to spoil any possible happiness they could have experienced. We all appreciate there’s only so many times a person can knock on the door and offer the hand of friendship and love. There also comes a time for us to say,

“Ok, let’s agree to disagree and move on”

From firsthand experience and being an individual who can't bear giving up, in the past... even I had to recognise when enough was enough. It’s not a happy or self-righteous moment. Being blessed or not with always viewing the bigger picture, back then I was also able to completely perceive what it was going to be like not having, sharing, caring, loving that person and all they meant in life. Another BUT... but a very big one, sometimes for one’s own sanity I also strongly believe, there are certain people no matter how much we love or care for them that shouldn’t be in our lives, because of their own individual feelings, or should I say lack of them.

Now, if you’re sat in front of your screen wondering is this article directed at a certain someone? The answer is most definitely 'yes' ... I also feel the article and all it conveys could possibly apply to anyone reading it -I respectfully say, You know the saying 'If the cap fits'

Maybe many of you would like to know who the person is.

Let me share this with you... As a responsible writer, a person with integrity, I believe it’s possible to sensitively relay messages. It’s also wholly possible to do this without naming. My responsibility to any individual is still and always will be intact, regardless of what may or may have been said or done. It also allows me to write about what I want and perfectly heals from within. I think it’s also safe to say one can remove a person from one’s life and still love them; it’s just sometimes an extra wise precaution, to close the door firmly...

Sometimes we don’t actually like some decisions we make. Writing this for me has been a very good way of having my very own conference... Hashing it out, thinking about the why's, when's and wheres... comfortably bringing those very important reasons, explanations, intentions, causes, motives, aims and goals forward. I’m mindful of the agenda and back then although the decision was not made lightly, I've been able to reveal I’m aware of what I reluctantly gave up. However me being me, I needed to remind and reassure myself it was a good and right choice... In all fairness, the decision I realised was needed for both parties! Today for some strange, inexplicable reason, I needed to rationalise those reasons and my choice...

I always believe in finishing on a positive, so was going to finish with,

'Oh, I feel better already!'

Seriously though... maybe I don't. But hey that's life and we just have to get use to the possibility of being handed out shit... I'm sure the majority of you out there know what I mean, we've all had our fair share, just seems some deal with it and others don’t. For those of you who’ve managed to read this to the end, you know there are several messages in there somewhere!

Love, light and lots a lager xxx

Moonlight Maddie...

Here is my gorgeous English Cocker Spaniel Maddie... her very official title ‘Moonlight Maddie’

Maddie is two years old and full of fun... Extremely inquisitive, very much a people’s dog who just happens to love every canine she greets. In a previous write up, I called her my ‘stalker’ and let me tell you that still stands. I simply cannot move without her. No matter how many times I tell her to stay, just so I can go about the house doing chores... I have to be really careful, because I know I’ll turn and she’ll be there with that loving gaze and wagging tail telling me clearly, she just wants to be near me.

When we take her for a walks either local, woods, beach etc... It doesn’t seem to matter how long we walk because regardless of the time limit she never stops for breath, she’s quick and very gentle. I’m convinced Mads was born with an instinct around children and the elderly... She’s not often in contact with babies but when she has been, I’ve noticed a calmer more thoughtful Maddie as she very carefully checks them out...

The above picture is recent. I thought it would be nice to show those interested because she really is a gorgeous dog and it feels good writing about my deep appreciation for her.

I’ve always believed there would never be a suitable dog out there for me as I’m quite nervous around dogs and have never completely gelled with one before... I know I never gave up hope. I’m positive Maddie was sent to reassure me that it’s totally possible for someone frightened and anxious around dogs to actually grow to love one!

We are so lucky to have her... she sleeps all night long, safely on the landing in her own bed. She doesn't seem to mind spending long periods of time alone whilst we work... She has the bladder of an elephant because at times I can't quite believe how long she can go whilst she patiently waits for our return. A wonderful, wonderful dog!

27. Domestic Service... An unexpected visitor.

Wednesday 01^st Sept 2010

It’s my absolute expectation that you’re clearly aware, despite my very limited but factual information the story unfolding is true. This assignment must be protected at all costs... So with your kind permission I’ll continue. I’m sure you can guess... the best is yet to come!

Warm, balmy, sea scented days beautifully roll into one another and the magic of my expectant dreams fill with hope, thankfully they refuse to evaporate.

Two long glorious weeks! Everything's going to plan. We’ve enjoyed numerous days out with no hiccups. The senator and family are looking very well; stress-lines have disappeared, laughter lines are in full view. Observing their daily life is such a blessing.

My routine in the household is consistent.

My dream of hopefully finding some elusive time where I’ll be able to confess to Jake about exactly how I feel... The mere thought of that fills me with the very best butterfly sensation. On the other side of the coin, I’m disappointed that I’ve still not managed to find a right moment to share special thoughts with him. I’m not sure if the gods are against us or even if this dream is meant to be. Sadly I’ve also noticed each time I think it’s the right time, something happens.

Lying flat out on my sun bed, I feel myself slowly sink into hot white sand. Lazily I open one eye just curious to see where the senator and Jakes montage of under cover security agents (appropriately dressed of course) are... observing them from the back I briefly watch as they help the children and Kristina onto the family speed boat. Closing my eyes I find it funny to think, even though I’m on a luxurious holiday with my assignment and it's crew I’m still legally entitled to breaks and annual leave. Oh I'm such a lucky girl!

While the heat hits the spot thoughts hungrily course through me, helping warm contentment to rise then better still... I sense hope, as deeper more desirable thoughts are spent on Jake. I think about the next possible time I’m going to spy my chance. Despite several disappointments I know the time will happen soon...

“Penny for them”

Startled I jump at the sound of the voice despite its familiarity. Seeing the senators PA Jonathon, I reprimanded him for scaring me.

“Sorry but I could see you were miles away... was I in there somewhere?”

I ignored his flirty comment clearly remembering this guy still gave me the creeps just like he did on the day I first met him at the airport, when we touched down in the USA... I wondered what he was doing here because he wasn’t on the assignment with us.

“Is everything ok” I ask.

“Ah that’s for me to know and for you to find out”

I shiver at the slime in his tone.

Jakes deep voice came from behind Jonathon.

“What you doing here?”

“I was just about to tell Crystal, I have an important message for the senator”

“And...?” Jake almost demanded.

“You’ll have to excuse me but I did mean, it’s a very private and a completely personal message for the senator - only”

“Anything to do with the senator or his family is to do with me, are you forgetting I’m head of security? “ Jake continued “All information be it classified or otherwise is open to me”

“With all due respect Jake, you may or may not eventually find out this information but right now it's definitely closed, code red and not accessible to anyone but the senator” with his point made Jonathon gave a slimy wink then left.

Jakes jaw involuntary twitched. I knew he’d lost patience with our reluctant messenger.

Putting my robe on I walk back to the house with Jake...

“There’s something weird about him Jake”

“I know, I’ve never liked the fellow either” Jake stated, “right, I’m off to voice my concerns with head office”

“I’ll make coffee.” I volunteered “where would you like it served?”

“I’ll see you back in the kitchen” With purposeful strides he disappears quickly into the house.

Looking out to sea I watch intently as the white and silver speed boat shines in the afternoon sun. It leisurely cruises up and down holding its participants.

Stepping into the cool air-conditioned house, I gratefully breathe in the chill from its air... feeling better already I tighten my robe as the coffee pot bubbles. The aroma of fresh coffee penetrates the kitchen as I patiently wait for Jake...