Wounds, Scars, Pain, Tears & Feelings ...

Part 2................

Luckily for me your friend walked past, picked me up, took me into her home; she cleaned me up and told me how disgusted she was with you. I went quiet ... I didn’t want to talk to anybody... At 15 it had been clearly confirmed my mother for whatever reason hated me....
My plan was immature but it was a plan... I wanted to hurt you....I was going to let you see what it felt like to be hurt. Over the next few days I made arrangements with my social worker to allow me to get a flat. I promised him I could secure a job, this I did with determination... I got the job, promises were kept and I took a bed-sit right on the top floor of an ancient Victorian house on Brentwood, just across the road from you... my plan was nearer ... I didn’t talk to you again, I knew you came over to see your friend. Your friend told you I had a little bed-sit upstairs, a bit of a walk through but I knew when the time was right you would come up and the scene would be set...

Do you remember the walk up those steps M?

It’s silly but even now I can giggle at the thought of it. I just think if that was the worst thing I could do to you, then I know I wasn’t a bad girl!
I had asked your friend to send you up... I knew the keys would be in my door, the door was slightly ajar... just enough for you to hear me and the guy and yeah he was as disgusted with you as I was so the moment for me personally was really was bitter-Sweet ... what did it feel like? I know it upset you because I was told.... and you know what I laughed..... I wanted that to be your last memory of me. Job complete I left Brentwood and you forever.

I know what it feels like for a little girl to hear her mother at it with what seemed like all the men in the world.... I recalled later being told you were and had been a prostitute. This explained to me all the times I heard and saw you with men.... You worked as a barmaid, I suppose it was another way of supplementing your wage but I don’t recall being fed properly??? I remember a guy in May street calling, he knocked on the door, you went out with him... I followed both of you... he took you in to the back of his van, I went up to the van and I listened, I heard you and the van was rocking...

Then there was the time I was walking past the entry behind May Street ... you were up there with a guy he had you up against the wall, you shouted at me to get away and again I was terrified... I was 7ish....

The worst time though was when I was approximately 5-6yrs old; we lived on Whit lane... I was or should I say we were, home alone... that happened on a regular basis, not sure how you got away with it for so long.....you came in late one night, I was poorly lying on two chairs in front of the fire in the back room. You pulled out the sofa bed, he says “What about the kid?” you pull him onto the bed and both of you do the deed in front of me... my eyes are squeezed tight shut because I’m afraid he’s hurting you .... Do you know what that’s like M?... a little girl so afraid she can hardly breath, she can’t open her eyes, she just stuffs her fingers in her ears and stays like that till its over.

Here’s another memory for you to think about....... The woman with the daughters... J and H... They lived just off W lane. Can you remember my age? 5-6-7yrs... Well they abused me all three of them, sexually, physically and emotionally; the mother was an evil witch just like her daughters. When she was alone with me (which was often) I was terrified, to this very day I am ultra sensitive to loud or sudden noises. There were others, so many dodgy, dubious people you regularly allowed into our lives; you didn’t protect us.... not ever.... Being the eldest I got it.

Because of the past I am the person I have become today... I feel so lucky... Not just because of what and whom I am but thank god I managed to survive and because of my knowledge and the knowledge I have attained over the years I know I survived you because I was a resilient child.

I won’t ever understand you; believe me I have tried.... I have a very strong sense of fair play M I know genuinely you didn’t ever help or protect us.... I have so many things to tell you, so many things I know you’re possibly not aware of; let me see what my file said..... “Your mother is an immature girl, who puts her own needs first, she has been ordered by the courts to attend parenting classes to enable her to facilitate her children’s basic needs”.... Well you and I know the outcome of that particular order, hence the reason we stayed in care so long.... Then after a long time you were allowed to have us home... I didn’t want to come home; I didn’t want to live with you.

Did you know at the bridge on Oldfield road going to Sacred Heart School I use to be physically sick every morning, because for the day I was leaving one hell hole to survive in another. I was bullied relentlessly. There was a particular group of kids who would kick and punch me as I walked past and if they saw me they would all walk towards me isolating me so that they could carry out further torture and then they would spit on me.... I was convinced they were going to kill me.... Nobody wanted to sit next to me, they would laugh so hard while inside I was dying.... It seems there were many reasons for this, I wasn’t dressed right, I wasn’t clean and I didn’t smell right. Well we know you weren’t the cleanest person in the world... our hygiene was questionable because if we weren’t washed nor have clean clothes then our basic needs as children were not being met by our mother..... Have you any idea of the hell we must have all gone through. I wanted to go back into care, I didn’t have to wait long. I thanked god when we did....

I‘m aware after reading the letter, all of this must be really hitting some nerves especially at this time in your life, but can you see now why it’s important for me that you to finally see what you did and how it made us feel......

About dad’s funeral, I have heard it say M you did not understand my relationship with my dad and his family...... let me tell you this, dad apologised to me for everything. He wrote me a long letter about the past, about how much he loved me.... the important thing for me was his apology but despite this I don’t think I really truly forgave him until he died. Now there is never a time when I don’t regret him not being here and I wish with all my heart I could have one last conversation with him....

Let me talk to you about P.... I am worried and completely convinced one day probably sooner rather than later I will get a phone call telling me he is gravely ill.... or worse still that he is dead. (Sorry Bro because I know you’re reading this) I have tried on more than one occasion to talk to him about his alcoholism but he is in denial and won’t admit to the problem. As we both know if he doesn’t admit there’s a problem then he won’t seek help..... I know he has already had a kidney washout.... I get a sense our P's life is not how he envisaged it would be, he has had no life.... for many reasons especially now because of his present difficulties and I’m not just talking about alcohol.... My heart goes out to him because I know my own memories are wonderful of him has a little boy. He was gorgeous with a heart of gold.... My memories of him as a man are sad, the reason for this... I deeply feel his overwhelming sadness. But still he is very much part of all our lives and despite his difficulties he's loved. He has a golden heart and would do anything for anybody except unfortunately himself....

M, you have missed out on so much.... as a mother, I can’t even begin to imagine the depth of your feelings around any possible heartache over lost children. I am aware of your relationship with P, C and H and although they wouldn’t admit it.... I know why they see you on Birthdays, Christmas etc so do yourself a favour and don’t be under the illusion you’re a cherished grandmother....

I hope you haven’t found this too painful, for that is not my intention. What’s happened has happened, what’s done is done; it doesn’t mean I agree with your decisions... it just means I have grown beyond the mistakes the adults made when I was a child.... I neither forgive nor condone your actions as my mother... I’m simply saying, I wish it could have been different, I wish you would have protected us and I wish more than anything with all my heart we could all have belonged to a normal family unit... but then I suppose one could say... I might not have become the person I am today....

I would want you to take this rather long letter in the spirit it’s been sent. I hope you will finally be able to understand your oldest daughters true spirit.... spiritually this gives me closure; I sincerely hope it does the same for you.

Jane