Wounds, Scars, Pain, Tears & Feelings...

If you've read the above and some of the words scream out to you striking a relevant cord, then you will understand despite me being somewhat delayed this week, at last here are my next set of thoughts....

With these thoughts I've had to travel back to July/August 2009 where I wrote and published a very special and profound letter to my biological mother. For those of you who really know me you will know I was dismayed when I discovered my words had offended a sibling... I immediately removed the letter, which allowed me to tentatively restructure and re-edit the whole piece, being extremely careful not to lose the raw sense of my feelings. For me it was important to allow the reader to feel as much of the atmosphere of the memory I had previously tried to share... Whilst trying to portray constructively and without malice my own meagre memories to a biological mother that I instinctively knew didn’t care. Despite this... at the same time, I tried very hard to touch her mentally in a tender spot that might evoke a feeling of responsibility on her part, as the mother of those precious children she so willingly gave up..... So, I gently re-submit my Letter which means so much to me... You wont be surprised to hear I later learned unfortunately, it meant very little to its recipient... never the less, the letter did a great deal for me spiritually; I was able to practice what I so very often preach... I was able to breathe deeply and once and for all I gladly let go.... As before I will submit Part One of the letter first then Part Two will follow later......

M,
So much water has rushed underneath my bridge, I’m sure the very same can be said for you! Let’s start at my beginning..... My name is Mary Jane but everybody calls me Jane, I'm your daughter! I have ended up doing a job in life that reflects my past.

I write to you for many reasons. I want you to be very clear (this is important) as to why I have decided to communicate. I don’t want anything.... I'm not writing to open any doors or set up any meetings or even to get close physically.... No! I write to you to share some thoughts and to tell you about something’s I would like you to know and in doing so; I know this will allow you in on those thoughts and feelings from so long ago. For whatever reason and before it’s too late it feels really important to me, that you know what I personally went through in my mind, body and soul..... I hear you wondering... why now?

I think you will understand the tick-tock of the glorious clock has something significant to do with it... It’s also vital you understand this is not a letter of blame, or even accusation although I'm sure at times you may feel it is... We are older now, we know who should take the full responsibility of blame for the past.... what I can tell you is this.... blame, fault and anger left me a long time ago.... it had to, holding on to all that stuff would only have damaged me further.
However some things did mark me, those unfortunate experiences will never leave and to be honest I have simply got use to living with what I went through.

I’m hoping you have a better understanding after you eventually digest all the contents of this letter... if you’re able to. I'm only too well aware; some people just don’t possess that skill. I sincerely hope you do, it’s important to me that you understand completely the reasons why I felt it necessary to write such a difficult correspondence, especially after all these years. I’m hoping it doesn’t fall on deaf ears or a dead heart.

My main regret... you and I never had a proper mother, daughter relationship... we never knew one another... and we never will.... I have often reflected on that sad thought. Having my own beautiful girl has made me more aware of what you and I have missed and it’s so very sad that we have never been able to explore something that should have been so wonderful.

I discussed with a friend recently something in connection with the above. It dawned on me; I have no nice memories of you. I know once you plough through this, you will be totally surprised and possibly horrified at what memory’s I do recall. To be honest there not very nice.... most of them came back has I was growing up, like flashbacks. There is one though... well I think it’s probably more a fantasy, but it’s the only nice memory so I will share it with you... I’m about 6years old; I’m combing your hair... I feel all this love inside my heart for you but then you turn around and I see your face, it’s all screwed up in a grimace, shouting and swearing at me like you hate me with the whole of your being. Like I said this is a flashback and the nicest memory I have of you. I have always found it hard to believe I haven’t retained a memory of a tender moment, a touch, a kiss, an ‘I love you’ ... over the years this has filled me with sadness.

I even wondered whether, I actually belonged to you because if you knew the woman I had become you would quickly see there is no resemblance between you and I. I’m also wondering if deep down you knew what it was like for your offspring to be consistently “in the company of strangers” The following passage sounds as if I’m angry... I promise I’m not, although you will surely understand, back then, I was! It took some time for me to heal.

These are questions but I don’t require answers..... Do you know what sort of life you cast us into? Do you know how unloved and bad we felt by your persistent rejection? Your constant lies about you building a house, for us all too live in.....Have you any idea how horrific your beatings felt? I don’t think even you could have understood the way you treated your children ... It was like we were animals just here to do your bidding.... Always screaming and shouting at us....

This brings me to the final beating you gave me... I was 15yrs old. Let me remind you of the scene... It’s very late. I’m asleep on your two seated sofa. I’m woken up by your boyfriend.

Would you like to know what he was doing?

He was sucking my fingers... Terrified and panic stricken I almost vomited....
Instinct & fear made me call out desperately for you ... after all you were my mum and in the same room even if it was behind a partition. I called out to you as he was attempting to climb on top of me –

‘Mum, mum’.... The words you threw back at me that night through the awful partition won’t ever leave me; I have tried to eradicate them from my brain but No... They just won’t go...

“SHUT-UP” you said.... “Shut-up”

For me, that was a pivotal moment, I realised beyond a shadow of a doubt I was and always had been on my own. In one split second I jumped off the sofa away to a big monstrous overstuffed armchair, nestled snugly in the bay-window, it did the trick, he couldn’t reach me. Eventually heart thumping I fell into a fit full sleep... Do you recall what happened the next morning? .... You grabbed me by the hair and pulled me out from behind the chair, calling me all the names under the sun you were screaming at me whilst I in shock didn’t understand. I didn’t know what I’d done.... you proceeded to hit, slap, punch and kick me despite neighbours attempts to get you to stop... Like a deranged animal you opened the front door In Brentwood and kicked me down the numerous amounts of cold stone steps. I didn’t understand at the time but I’m older now, I know you were jealous... it couldn’t have been anything else.....

Sitting there alone, I cried bitterly. You slammed the door so hard I thought the glass would break. I sat there for a long time; confused, I didn’t know what to do or where to go..... I stopped crying... I pushed myself up against the cold stone wall all the time imagining getting you back for your intolerable cruelty... My heart hardened whilst a plan formulated ... it bubbled... It festered.

To be continued.....