Dedicated to my Sister and Brothers... In our early years we sadly missed out on so much, all of which was out of our control... in coming almost full circle I know individually we’ve gathered life experiences separately... but, in becoming aware of all the info and clearly seeing history, I rejoice because it is us who really are the lucky ones!
I realise some might not agree with my findings, but please remember I write from my own perspective...
I have learned that the happiness and wellbeing of others dictates I have to let certain, long standing issues go... I know till recently the biggest issue for most of my life is the fact I did not have a proper mother... Recently I made a decision that’s both shocked and surprised me, but I suppose what’s been instrumental in helping me make this long, overdue decision, is a number of things that I’d like to especially share with my siblings.
Recently I was sadly advised our biological mother had been struck with an awful degenerative disease Senile-Dementia... I’m not sure if I can articulate or express how I feel into words.
My thoughts, my feelings and how I feel... when I was told I was strangely calm, yet I felt a penetrating sadness. If there’d been the slightest chance of proper closure then I knew it had transpired within the blink of my own heartbeat and mores’ to the point, disappointingly without our mother’s input. Due to her illness, I also grasped it would never happen due to what would be her dramatic loss of memory... I felt for myself and my siblings... I also felt for her beautiful grandchildren. What a crying shame to leave this beautiful world neither knowing nor learning.
My heart is heavy... if there’d been any possibility of two hearts and minds triumphantly coming together to address the past, share history, discover the family I’d never known... Now it would be gone forever!
For seven days and seven nights I thought about what we’d lost as individuals and as a family... Then it hit me ~ whilst reading my Buddah teachings, listening to the sincerity of their wise words of wisdom, I knew with crystal precision which filled me with joy... I wanted to forgive the mother who’d never been a mother. For the first time ever I truly felt for a lost mother, who’d unfortunately never joyfully lived to know unconditional love and affection from her own beautiful children and grandchildren.
From beyond the unknown, I was overwhelmed with the knowledge and a deep sense of the right thing to do.
All those years of wasted energy we’d both demonstrated by concentrating on pointless negativity, the blame, finger pointing... Yes I know stuff happened, hurtful, damaging stuff, which sadly ended in five children being taken into care. But, we were lucky, some kids don’t make it, some kids don’t even have food or water or a place to live.
For me the time is right to forgive. At last I’m ready to genuinely look towards my Mother, smile with no hatred hiding in my heart. I’d like to hold her hand look into her eyes and tell her honestly that I, her eldest daughter follow a different path, and I wish her nothing but happiness and peace of mind.
If I could accomplish this the joy would be mine and I would pray she would feel complete forgiveness to take with her to the next life, where hopefully she will become the best mother ever.
I’ve read ‘Senile Dementia’ is a cruel illness; I believe the blessing for my mother will be that she’ll stop feeling guilty and have no bad memories of any wrong doing, mistakes or lost children.
There is no better feeling than the feeling of helping another living-being.
For so long I’ve felt bad and for good reason, but, the time has come to think differently and deal with certain situations if I’m to help support and apply positive effort for the best possible outcome.
As my journey continues, my wish is that no matter what, you'll stay with me!
Namaste
