Do You Believe?

I wrote this piece on the 17^th June 2009. It was amongst one of the first articles I shared after I experienced one of my light bulb moments within a crisis.

 

I was asked many moons ago... "Do you believe?"

"Yesssss" I said.

 

Asked again "But do you really, really, reeeeally believe” thinking hard... frustrated by my own shameful reluctance... Her persistent question echoed in my head.

 

"Come on, do you believe in Angels"

Silently, I encompass my own reflective pause.

 

"Yesssss... I believe" I volunteered gently “especially in Angels made from gold"... "Angels of gold?" she says surprised.

 

Smiling an ever knowing smile I hold on to my breath.

 

Angels do exist. I know because I hear them every day. I watch them work. I see them play. Normally, they have endless lists of things to do which include places to go... people to see. Their aim on the planet is quite obvious, helping friends in deed and strangers in need. Spreading the message and supporting the outcome...

 

The first time I saw my Angel, I believe I was 7 yrs old. I lay perfectly still in bed, crying freely. My body rigid. I was too frightened to move. It was dark but the room was amazingly well lit from the sheer brightness of the moon. I was poorly, feeling quite distressed...

 

In my new oblong shaped bedroom I saw three single beds... in-between each little bed there sat a small locker, to put personal belongings in. Well... that’s what they told me.

 

Didn't they know, where I came from there was no chance of belonging or even having belongings ... So I continued to lie on my back staring up at the ceiling, crying. I’d been asleep, something had woken me. Anxiously I looked around; I’d always been really scared of the dark... I sense things; I didn’t want them to get me. I’d told them... you know, the new people... but, there was no reassuring light on for me. Petrified of getting out of bed because I thought someone would grab me from under the bed ... I didn't know where I was or who they were... Why oh why, had they not listened?

 

I cried even harder.

 

It didn’t take long for me to realise the room was becoming brighter, looking up towards the light bulb, I felt convinced someone had switched it on... No light... the room began to pulsate spreading a warm golden glow...

 

At first she just stood there, I didn't know what to do... I recall feeling how sad I felt at my plight, but the light in the new bedroom made me feel better. I even dared to sit up. I looked at her, she was so beautiful.

 

Looking up into her face, I saw her eyes were closed.

 

I stopped crying. Sitting in the now golden glow, I wondered what to do. Suddenly, my Angel opened her eyes. Looking at me, she spoke... Her voice sounded like tinkling glass, you know the way beautiful crystal sounds when you strike it with a spoon.

 

I wanted to hear it again. This time she spoke higher...

 

You’re going to be alright, things have been difficult for you, your feeling very sad but this will pass.

 

My Angel moved herself slightly to turn more towards me.... her silky white robe moved in shivery shimmers as she continued in clear crystal tones... Your life will turn around; you will see and feel what it’s like to be happy... You’re a good little girl and soon you will see that everything’s going to turn out well for you...

 

My Angels ice blue eyes held on tight to bulbous tears. As they cascaded through her small dark shiny lashes, she spoke slowly but reassuringly about life and what had gone before. I asked her if she was going to be my new mummy, her tears flowed quicker, she replied reassuringly explaining she could not be my mummy, but she promised she would be something better...

 

"Better then a mummy?" I gently protested, knowing deep down just how badly I wanted a mum...

 

"Yes Jane, better because I want you to know I will always, always be with you even when you can't see me, you will forever feel me, knowing I am only a whisper away.

 

Thinking about my Angel being only a whisper away had made me feel safe, warm and secure... I sat mesmerised, rhythmically nodding. I realised Angel and I were not alone. My concentration broken, I looked around the bedroom only to discover a further two Angels smiling down on me. Their warmth and sincerity gave me a feeling of complete serenity; I recall feeling totally overwhelmed. It was an amazing moment that I still feel to this very day.

 

Sleepily I lay my head on the pillow. Magically reading blurry thoughts, my Angel softly whispered 

 

“never forget little one... you are not alone. I will always take care of you”... Feeling a gentle touch like cotton wool mixed with the sweet smell of perfume, I drifted off...

 

The next morning I jump out of bed, look around the now cool bedroom, feeling tremendous inner happiness. I notice someone had been in and left some really nice clothes... Wow a dress, underwear and socks... They smell good... What’s this? Oh yes I forgot a toothbrush! This is fantastic.

 

Dressed in minutes, I run down steps through fire escape doors, on towards the biggest dining room in the whole wide world. I smell food, toast... I see milk... I run to enormous windows that completely surround the room. It feels like I’m outside and I can touch the big blue sky. I see trees... grass... flowers... Wow this is so good. I hear a voice behind me, another child... "Who are you"? Swirling in my beautiful pink dress which I hold out wide with two small hands... I observe twinkling brown eyes and a crazy mop of black hair "I am a princess" I say regally "and where do you live princess"? She giggles. Raising my small blonde head, with wonder I look around my brand new forever, home...

 

"Why, I live here with you in my castle “flopping backwards I fall onto an overstuffed sofa, excitedly throw my feet up high into the air whilst I further examine beautiful white socks, I smile wide... just in time to see my hero walk through the door,

 

"Ahh there you are Jane" Mr Webb cried ... "we were just looking for you" :)

 

So you see friend anything is possible, and sometimes even if you desperately want to refuse or even acknowledge what you know... I’ve clearly came to realise just when you thought you could take no more, and your strength is fading, something or somebody appears in your life they/it holds you close allowing you the complete luxury of possible doubt, which then helps you move forward with a different frame of mind, because someone, somewhere has blessed you with a seed, a seed that either grows or die’s depending on an individual’s own life experiences.

 

For me, it grew; it blossomed even when I was laughed at or when I witnessed confused.com smiles on people’s faces. I still held on to that early experience because I just knew it was the start of my rise... I am gratified and so thankful that I’ve been able to share my experience from my life. I realise also, that realistically it might be hard for you to believe, not just in the above story but, that to me it makes no difference, that I do not know you, for some mad, wonderful indescribable reason, way beyond my understanding... I share because I care what happens to you!

 

I may not be around for a little while so wrap up warm against the awful weather. On my return I’ll have a special, fun journal I'll share with you. Hopefully it will make you smile...

So until then my friend...

 

Namaste

Angels in waiting...

Browsing the web today in search of answers to questions, I came across something that made me stop and think... I've seen this story before and recall being totally mesmerised at the meaning behind an unknown author's words... I wanted to share so, here it is. Please, take time to read and sense the meaning behind one lady's rush through life and time... See what happens when she takes time to stop awhile... I appreciate how it's directly written but so beautifully put!

The beginning... There was this little girl sitting by herself in the park. Everyone passed by her and never stopped to see why she looked so sad. Dressed in a worn pink dress, barefoot and dirty, the girl just sat and watched the people go by. She never tried to speak. She never said a word. Many people passed by her, but no one would stop.

The next day I decided to go back to the park in curiosity to see if the little girl would still be there. Yes, she was there, right in the very spot where she was yesterday, and still with the same sad look in her eyes.

Today I was to make my own move and walk over to the little girl. For as we all know, a park full of strange people is not a place for young children to play alone. As I got closer I could see the back of the little girl's dress was grotesquely shaped. I figured that was the reason people just passed by and made no effort to speak to her.

As I got closer, the little girl lowered her eyes slightly to avoid my intent stare. As I approached her, I could see the shape of her back more clearly. She was grotesquely shaped in a humped-over form.

I smiled to let her know it was OK; I was there to help, to talk. I sat down beside her and opened with a simple, "Hello." The little girl acted shocked, and stammered a "hi," after a long stare into my eyes. I smiled and she shyly smiled back.

We talked until darkness fell and the park was completely empty. I asked the girl why she was so sad. The little girl looked at me with a sad face said, "Because I'm different." I immediately said, "That you are!" and smiled. The little girl acted even sadder and said, "I know."

"Little girl," I said, "you remind me of an angel, sweet and innocent." She looked at me and smiled, then slowly she got to her feet and said, "Really?"

"Yes, you're like a little Guardian Angel sent to watch over all those people walking by." She nodded her head yes, and smiled. With that she opened the back of her pink dress and allowed her wings to spread, then she said "I am. I'm your Guardian Angel," with a twinkle in her eye. I was speechless -- sure I was seeing things.

She said, "For once you thought of someone other than yourself. My job here is done."

I got to my feet and said, "Wait, why did no one stop to help an angel?" She looked at me, smiled, and said, "You are the only one that could see me," and then she was gone. And with that, my life was changed dramatically. So, when you think you're all you have, remember, your angel is always watching over you. The End...

So you see, if you open your heart and believe in the unbelievable it usually follows your eyes will really see what is about you and when you really see and feel then, you touch life with an unmistakeable impact... I hope you got something from the story. I did!

Shared with love xxx

My Nirvana Part 2...

If you’ve read Part (1) I sincerely hope by the time you finish Part (2) you’ll realise clearly, what I'm trying to say. With all of my heart I know that being brought up in the care system is not a bad thing. Being taken care of and having a different way of life, I'll admit can be challenging as well as a little daunting ... but what I'm attempting to share here is that personally for me, being taken from a bad world into a different one was the making of me... Don’t misunderstand, I would much rather have had loving parents who would have made me their world, but, that was not going to happen so, the next best thing did happen and for as long as I live, I'll always be thankful for the much needed intervention that took place, giving us other opportunities that I did always try to embrace...

My other message here is this... If you’ve been unfortunate enough to be placed in care, then try to remember, life is what you make it and although that may be hard to deal with during times of distress and uncertainty also know when your world settles, take into account the law of child protection and its importance. If you’re in care or were in care then yours was compromised. Don’t let it ruin your future... If like me you remained in care, be realistic; know the responsibility lies with the adults who were around you. Now move forward, shake the shadows from your shoulders and be the best that you can be.

Continued...

We were taken to the police station; the three smallest children were taken to a nursery unit.

My brother and I were taken to a children’s home quite close to the nursery. I felt completely numb as well as totally disconnected not just from my siblings but from life as well. Every few seconds I’d feel a wave of panic wash over me, but, the policeman who shouted had sternly ordered me to remain calm just so I wouldn’t upset my siblings further...

At the time, I didn’t know it but later I came to realise, this was the change that would end up saving my life... I went on to experience another way of living, another way of life. I would feel what it was like to be liked. I learned how to live properly, how to converse. I learned how to read, write, make friends and interact normally. So many strange new wonderful experiences awaited my siblings and me. I remember feeling happy in my heart for the first time. I knew I didn’t want to return home to the dark, dreary miserable life I’d lived... the light was here, the warmth was all around me. I didn’t feel threatened by anybody because I sensed they wanted to help. I recognised genuine sparkles in other people’s eyes. But there was a way to go yet... no one who is brought up in a dysfunctional household is without a few problems...

It started the first night they tried to settle me down in the home, I waited for them to leave then I crept out of my bed to get in with my brother. Feeling more settled I very soon fell asleep. In the early hours I was woken, it was dark and someone with a calm soothing voice carried me back to my own single bed. I waited again and as soon as calm voice left, I crept back into my brother’s bed, again instantly falling asleep... The next day, calm voice told me It was really important that I sleep in my own bed and that I wouldn’t be allowed to sleep with my brother... I cried for the longest time, I couldn’t understand, didn’t they realise I’d never had a bed of my own. My siblings and I always, slept together.

The first morning...

Calm voice gave me and my brother a wash bag which contained unfamiliar things. The first thing she showed to us was a small round container; she took a toothbrush, dipped it into the loose pink powder and pushed it against my teeth, the powder tasted lovely, so I started to eat it...

Laughing she cried out “No, no, no it’s for cleaning teeth”

We were bathed and deloused.

Then we were taken back to individual bedrooms where we discovered fresh clothes at the bottom of our beds. I started to dance in my room, I felt so happy, happy, happy.

At breakfast the other kids looked at us funny. I smiled inside and then out because I didn’t care, we were eating cereal, toast and drinking milk... it was wonderful.

Calm voice spent a lot of time with us that first day as did a giant of a man called Mr. Webb... So much to learn, so much happening... Did I ask for my mother? Yes I think I did once, my worry was she would return and take us away from this beautiful place.

I explored and spoke to all the people I could find, there were lots of them... they were in the kitchen, in the office, in the laundry room the place was humming. There was one lady I will always remember, Mrs Bull was her name. She always held a gentle face and persistently told me I had beautiful eyes and hair... Even as a child, I realised there was something missing on this lady’s weather beaten face, she didn’t have any eyebrows or eye lashes and her hair was a wig in a net but I loved that lady so much she made me feel warm, safe and pretty. I always looked forward to her shifts as we would spend long periods of time reading together.

I took my time tentatively exploring these new surroundings. Already I sensed a calm exterior which smelled lovely and clean, including adults who spoke nicely and who came across as friendly in a sort of genuine kind of way... what I also recall is that I was a perceptive little girl who instinctively sensed if there was or could possibly be a hidden agenda, or even, an ulterior motive. I usually managed to keep myself safe as I also had my trusty internal scanner that sensed evil or wrong doers... So with my inbuilt extra sensory perception switch to maximum and on full alert, I knew and understood there was no danger at least not in this building.

The following morning after a fitful night’s sleep I woke to find fresh clothes and my wash bag hanging on my bedside table... I thought, wow, this happens every day. There was a real sense of order and routine which made me feel safe and let me tell you that were something I hadn’t ever felt before.

Dressed in minutes and ready for action... I run down steps, through fire escape doors on towards a big dining room. I smell food, toast... I see milk... I run to ginormous windows which completely surround the room. I see trees, grass, flowers. This is so good.

I hear a high pitched voice from another child.

"Who are you?" she shrieks.

Swirling around in my beautiful pink dress which I hold out wide with both hands... I observe two twinkling brown eyes and a crazy mop of thick black hair.

"I’m a very important princess" I say with complete glee.

"And where do you live princess?” she giggles.

Raising my small blonde head, I look around with wonder at my brand new forever home...

"Why, I live here with you in my castle “

Falling backwards on to an overstuffed sofa, I excitedly throw my feet up high into the air; I further examine beautiful white socks. Then smiling wide I’m just in time to see my hero walk through the door.

"Ahh there you are Jane" Mr Webb smiles, “we were just looking for you"

My Nirvana...

I write this particular piece, not because I need closure or even peace of mind... I happen to be deeply thankful that I've been fortunate enough to have located both! In looking up the word Nirvana, I immediately understood Buddha’s explanations of this beautiful serene word...It's description is as follows. NIRVANA... a perfect peace of a state of mind, that is free from craving, anger and other afflicting states. It is also the "end of the world" there is no identity left, no boundaries for the mind. The subject is at peace with the world and has compassion for all... The highest happiness. I read this and I knew back then the moment I was taken into care, I'd reached my own spiritual Nirvana; eventually I came to understand the chaotic world as I knew it was at long last over... I was in a new world, a world where there was peace, love, respect and understanding... The thing I didn't understand was this... as a child I clearly knew I wanted to receive and give all of the above qualities, but, I’d never experienced them, so how could I possibly know/recognise that these are the things I wanted most in all the world?

(Present time) From beyond my own understanding, I sense a need from somewhere outside of myself. A need that feels desperate to the point of becoming distressed enough to put heartfelt words into ink. Please don’t ask me how I know, I just know that these particular thoughts may touch someone out there, someone who’s looking for their own inner peace and comfort around what they’ve experienced or are presently going through...

My heart wants to reach out and say, let me hold your hand gently whilst you read my thoughts, for I know what you are going through and you are not alone...

I’m delighted I can recall this memory without dissolving into tears or feeling overwhelmed by immense sadness. What I will say is right now, this particular memory will remain crystal clear until I am no more... Just for the record, I did bury this scary recollection for the longest time. When it did re-surface it filled me with the darkest terror and to this day I still have nightmares. So, here’s what followed when I experienced being sucked out of one world into another – Even at the age of eight, I somehow realised, I’d been transformed as if by magic into a princess. As you read further my friend, you’ll understand the reasons why my young mind came to this happy conclusion, and how it miraculously saved my life...

It all begins with being abused, abused, abused... as well as being left home alone on a regular basis by a mother who didn’t appear to posses any maternal instinct. The world I was whisked away from the first time... (It happened twice) was filled with a coldness, grey and black, no colour it was heartbreakingly dismal. There was no warmth only anger and chaos... when a hand touched you it hurt. When I was addressed It was in vengeful anger and disgust. When eyes looked at me, all I saw was hate. I was beaten, battered and discarded at whim. I was forced to take care of siblings and very often we all went without food. Hygiene was non-existent, as were a lack of clothes & shoes. My parents didn’t like one another and their relationship was fiery often leading to domestic violence which was horrendous, leaving me screaming and crying then running to the local police box for help.

Eventually my dad left, which regrettably meant we were then at the mercy of a mother who was not only unstable, she was also well known for being selfish and immature. Frighteningly her new-found freedom brought further dangers for us. She got a job as a bar-maid and began bringing random strangers home, which eventually brought problems for me. I remember wanting to disappear off the face of the earth and I eventually recognised this would be the time I’d hide behind my hands, believing unbelievably, I was invisible.

I witnessed far too much for my young age. I continually felt thoroughly miserable.

After you read some of the above, you would be forgiven for thinking 'Oh my god, how awful'... and you’d be right... it was, but, at this stage remember; it’s what we were use to. We had no comparisons. This was our life as we knew it...

Like I said previously, we were taken into care twice... On this occasion, I’m only going to talk about the first time.

We were home alone. I’d had my orders and as usual they were screamed at me...

“Do not let anyone in and don’t open the *Bleep Bleep*door for any *Bleep* reason”

Not a problem... I wouldn’t have anyway, there were certain aspects to being a frightened child that just made you wary.

When the first knock came it was dark. Frightened I moved upstairs. The children were asleep in bed, so I got in with them. Then a loud persistent hammering started, someone shouted. I crept down because I didn’t know what else to do. Cowering, I got to the front room; there were only two rooms. A big policeman was at the window looking in. He shouted then lowered his voice, explaining it was ok to open the door... I wasn’t having any of it; I was now petrified and burst into a run back up to my siblings, who were now crying from all the noise. Running past the kitchen window I saw other policemen out in the backyard. At the top of the steep staircase, I heard glass smash and footsteps running after me.

“There’s nothing to worry about children” he said standing in the small door-frame.

A police woman appeared... I was taken downstairs. They asked questions, but all I did was cry. I was in big trouble. There were so many people in the small front room. A big man appeared with kind blue eyes, red hair and a red beard. He told me he was going to examine the children and me because he was a Doctor and he was concerned. Looking between the adults all I saw were nodding heads. I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness. What the Doctor wanted from me were the children’s names as they were brought to him, so they wouldn’t be frightened. He asked me if I’d do that, I reluctantly nodded.

After each child was examined they were mysteriously whisked out through the front door. The word ‘neglect’ lay across the lips of present adults. I recall telling the nice Dr. I was ok and I’d wait for my mother, he said that wouldn’t be possible as he needed me to be with my brothers and sister. He also informed me the police had gone to get my mum, just so she’d know what was going on and where we were going... Without any warning I was lifted by the big police officer who’d been looking through the window earlier... I screamed and started fighting him, I knocked his helmet off, he dropped me. I knew I was a strong little girl and as I landed at his feet the front door flew open, in ran my mum... she screamed loudly, which only frightening me further.

“Bring back my children” she demanded her eyes wild. Her hand landed on me pulling me in close.

A few minutes was spent between the talking adults. The shouting escalated and she let go of me running into the kitchen. Abandoned again, I shot after her. The police were already in the back, they grabbed hold of her as she retrieved a big knife.

Holding it up high she pointed it downwards at herself.

“I want my children back” she screamed again falling to the floor... then she tried to stab herself... I screamed at the scene and truly felt the deepest disabling pain... I threw myself at her knowing I would never, ever be the same again. The police officers had hold of her. Thankfully they removed the knife; they made sure she was safe.

This time the Dr shouted, hissing hard for her to remember, I was still here.

He ordered the big police officer to remove me.

I remember screaming to my mum as I was forcefully removed

 
“I’m sorry I couldn’t keep them out, I’m sorry”

In my own tiny tortured mind I just knew it was my fault, it was the whole of my entire fault.

To be continued...

Power of thought and desire...

When I was a little girl I use to think if I placed my hands over my eyes no one would see me... How wrong I was but, what I did manage to eventually do was make my own special power so that I could be amongst others and be completely invisible... One of the things I learned in life is that we’re able to hide, use power and make things happen. So I miraculously became a robot...

Today though, I’m blessed to be able to say I no longer remain that poor invisible little robot. Despite my history my sincere love of people proved that with my own survival-thoughts I managed to cling on to most of life’s priorities. I genuinely love to help and support others, especially in times of distress or them experiencing crisis. I believe at these times you can definitely feel your inner magic transform allowing it to become useful due to the absolute and utter need.

Throughout life, I’ve always tried to maintain a cheery disposition, even when I’ve not felt particularly happy... I’m glad to report most times it worked but sometimes it just didn’t... Back then I desperately needed to develop strategies, mystical mechanisms to help me as a small person cope with a terror filled existence. Let me tell you this... in my childhood, the wonderful thing was, although those mechanisms developed slowly, I witnessed a light with each progression; they became better, clearer and much more acceptable to use in my everyday life. I developed them to the extent that no one realised I was receiving help, but... for me I knew those magical lights which were mysteriously accompanied by a special visitor, would either save me or help significantly so that I could walk my destined path safely and for the most part, I was also able to hold my head high and still not be noticed.

Within life I’ve learned so much and as you can imagine that list’s positively endless... Here are but a few... I needed to be more forgiving of myself and others. I also don’t live in the past like I use to. Don’t let things drift. Stop reflecting on things that didn’t work. Encourage others to feel good. Compromise occasionally, I’m still learning and at the moment I’m focused on how to ask for things for myself. Organise my work and focus on one thing at a time. Make realistic goals and make friends with people who like themselves.

Even as a child I remember clearly using affirmations. I recall I used them more when I was crying and distressed. It wasn't something I shouted out, I would whisper them. I didn’t realise it then but I later came to understand that these work on your sub-conscious level, influencing emotions. When I first learned about repeating affirmations, I frequently thought they might not work but after consistency I noticed I felt relaxed. I quickly learned affirmations had to be strong and positive and just to give you more of an idea when I used this strategy, I generally said things like...

I am happy

I am blessed

I am wanted

I am relaxed

I am loved

I am needed

I am appreciated

I know who I am and I know what’s right

I normally pick the one that suit me best. I repeat it lots throughout the day, but there are thousands of possible affirmations it depends on you, your life style and the need... Sometimes I write it on post it’s and stick them where I’ll be the most... i.e. computer, diary... I repeat and think about it when I go to bed. I’ve found this helps maintain a cheery smile, not always but most times. I also discovered relaxation is one of the most effective strategies. Being relaxed usually means we become more resilient and usually helps us to handle stressful situations appropriately.

I also believe in visualisation, a powerful way of bringing happiness into one’s life. When I use visualisation I generally use it for others and on occasion have used it for myself.

Many of you know I’m preparing to become a grandmother. There is already much I know but, I strongly believe there’s always room for improvement just as I also believe some of the old ways are the best ways, still it doesn’t do any harm to improve oneself in terms of updating knowledge – seeing what modern thoughts and ideas are around on parenting. I feel the old with the new is a really good combination, making it totally possible for both to complement each other...

Hugs from AngelJane :)