Angel Is Crying.......

Do you know what it sounds like to hear an angel cry... Sometimes if we close our eyes, open our ears and unlock our hearts that lonely hollow void we occasionally feel inside is our angels disparaging despair...

The mirror screamed... my hand flew up clutching the darkest hair I had ever seen in my whole life... Overwhelmed by fuming anger... How could I have been so stupid, letting myself be talked into dying my lovely blonde hair? Leaning forwards for much needed support, I gripped the cold wash basin. I watched dye drip onto cream porcelain, confirmation at just how dark my hair was going to be... Squeezing eyes tight shut against another huge, manifested disappointment... I cried like a baby, not only was my hair going to be terrible it was going to match the rest of how my life was at this precise moment in time.

Minutes ticked by. At my wits end... what to do, what to do? Wash it off... Feeling the warm water spray against my head I observed the thickest, darkest colour mingle with clear water to mix and again prove the nightmare day I was having... Kneeling at the side of the bath not wanting to look in the mirror, I pulled myself up slowly. Yep, the darkness was still wrapped around my head. The smell of chemicals permeates the bathroom, my head bangs with swallowed stress.

"Wash it again" I heard an irritable voice say...

So I did, again then again but still darkness surrounded me. Wrapped in a towel, slumped onto the bed feeling utterly sorry for myself... I received a visitor... not in the mood I ignored the door, then I tried to ignore my mobile when the letter box lifted.

“I know your there” Heart quickening, I decided to go and pretend I'd been sleeping.

Opening the door, I burst into tears... not because I was upset over my hair no; the hair was just the last straw the very last straw...

I was distraught over the loss of my flame, my spark, my light... I felt anxious I didn’t know where it had gone. Every single day I looked hard for it... I found myself questioning the world, the people in it, life... for the first time in a life-time I was wondering... I mean really wondering, what is this all about... I thought I knew everything, been there, done that but in the end I was frightened, scared and alarmed to the point of panic... a million questions with no definitive answer.

I read somewhere a quote by Robert Burns ‘The purpose of life is a life of purpose’ wholeheartedly I agreed... but, now here’s the big never-ending pain in the ass but... I’ve stopped feeling it and for whatever reason at this moment in time my dilemma is why now?

I've always known we walk a path, experience things we do... achieve the things we accomplish... it’s all for a very good reason... to aid us in life to learn, to help, to support, to love, to protect, to cherish, to nurture, in the long run this is to help us move forward in life, so why would a progression be halted when a person is at the happiest they've ever been... I think I know... I think I just answered my own question...

I once read about a man who's name I forget, he said he felt as if life was like a combination but the combination was locked up in the safe... I feel, life is a safe and we all hold our own unique combination the thing is, when we try to unlock the safe another experience is sent to throw us off guard... sometimes those experiences are pleasant... sometimes they're nasty. We all have a fair share of both, but for me... the nasty one has thrown me to the floor, stamped on me and made me lose my key.

They say things happen for a reason.... Let's see what the reason is for this.

Best Friends Forever'n'Always....

Two little girls come together in rather tragic circumstances. A bond is formed, a connection made... Not only does it fuse their innocent hearts together but it firmly glues their spiritual umbilical cord which in turn cements them both together for their life's long journey. For them the magic will last a life-time. But come closer my friend... pull your chair forwards... feeling comfortable? Then let me begin at the very beginning of a disturbing but compelling adventure...

"Best friends are the siblings God forgot to give us."~ unknown

Whilst crunching crisps and talking out loud I looked over affectionately at my beautiful friend Lane, both of us were reminiscing about what was and strangely enough what might have been.

“Personally Lane, I wanted my mother to be perfect, well for heavens sake; mothers should be perfect shouldn't they?” I smiled, winking impishly towards my friend...I automatically knew Lane would agree because the two of us had been brought up in the care system, both of us had experienced the excruciating pain of being raised without mother’s and today we were talking deeply about parents and their absolute importance.

Gulping her favourite wine, she sadly replied in a far away tone “I would loved to have been blessed with a mother who’d taken good care of me”

Looking at my friend, I sensed before I saw that her profound statement had produced big bulbous tears that were now threatening to brim over mascara laced lashes, which darkly framed lovely blue eyes.

I know Lane, it hurts doesn’t it?” Lane squeezed her eyes shut tight, causing a cascade of tears to waterfall.

The memory mist frostily penetrated my mind... I met Lane when I was 6yrs old. On that particular day, I found myself sat on a giant overstuffed arm chair in the big light airy lounge, feeling completely and utterly bored. I’d lived in the care- home from the age of 3yrs... So hearing distressed cries was not unusual but these screams were terrible, I almost felt my own heart stop. Instantly I ran to further investigate. I recall watching a pair of social workers bring in a little girl whose arms and legs were flailing all over the place. Her dark red curly locks bounced around as she wildly pushed and pulled at them. She appeared so lost in her own total abandonment, I knew she felt completely tormented by her overwhelming emotions.

Being all grown up for my 6years, didn’t stop me from feeling overwrought with my own emotion. Big glistening tears surfaced to be roughly wiped away... I was a big girl, I didn't cry! Silently, I edged towards the wild red child whose beautiful blue eyes locked on to me as she hushed to a low grisly whimper, she never took her eyes off me... not for one minute. Momentarily smiling, I held out my tiny hand which surprisingly if somewhat greedily she clasped. Looking up I observed two red faced social workers as they breathed a sigh of relief, intuitively both knew they’d witnessed a bonding... born that very day.

The bonding enveloped 2 small girls who instinctively sensed each others inner sanctity and both knew with desperation that their purity needed protectively embracing; they understandably feared they might lose themselves completely within the wheels of life but looking at each other they knew... they sensed, a connection, an affinity that would never be broken. It was then I remember that Lane stopped crying but she still insisted holding on tight.

My world wobbled...

When the world throws stuff at us and it seems to be one thing after another, there’s bound to be an overload... Consequently if we’re not prepared we momentarily wobble...

Not a nice feeling, all those highly charged confused emotional thoughts jumbled together with mixed-up feelings which often seem to be very unsure in which direction to blow...

Unfortunately we usually throw them at those closest to us. This can be a bad idea but for the most part I’ve seen and experienced it to be completely understood... usually as a rule, after the cool down period kicks in... On the other hand in some cases it could be sucked inwards, from all accounts that’s not a good idea either and will eventually result in complete melt-down. Some people seem to wobble then swiftly get over it. Others seem to take a little longer but still they surface on the other side none the worse after their ordeal... Sadly there are others who rock and reel from their dreadful experiences after it turns into their worst nightmare. Trial after trial they feel tormented by their worst suffering. Eventually this leaves them no choice but to seek medical intervention... if they don’t seek help then eventually they have it forced upon them, usually because they’ve become unresponsive to professionals, family and friends whose anxiety for their safety becomes paramount.

It’s sad when you know something’s wrong yet your unable to describe the problem. On occasion I've heard People say to the affected person, what’s wrong? The age old answer returns time and time again... I don’t know, if I knew I’d sort it out. The body is a magical instrument, it has its very own safety device to help us out even if it has to temporarily shut us down whilst we recover and heal... In my own wobble I was totally amazed at the way my sleep pattern doubled in length and each day I clearly recognised a calmer feeling return inside. When this happens, confidence starts to return and you begin to feel more reassured about your health including your surroundings. If you’re fortunate enough to have family and friends, it's been well documented that your recovery time speeds up. We mustn't lose sight though that in taking that one step forward it can be two steps back...

Sadly from what I’ve been advised about our lonely isolated individuals, is that it can take slightly longer... but I’m hopeful, if your out there in the big wide world and skilfully one of life’s many observers then will you please kindly stretch out your supportive hands to help... we all need somebody. We also need to be good role models. My declaration..... Is this, if I spot you my friend that somebody will be me?

Links....Mental Health Links. http://www.ukppg.org.uk/links.html

“There’s an Angel out there with your name on... they'll walk with you to light up you're way... Never lose faith... keep your minds open... the message is there; just sometimes it takes a while to understand as their whisper is always so near..... Author Jane Rowlands. 11-03-10

‘Make it Memorable'

This week I’m supposed to be concentrating on getting my act together...

My third attempt at trying to be methodical. Writing important lists and adhering to them, calculating my time... checking my space and chilling while I accomplish great feats. Then what happened? Well... I promise I was very good at first, concentrating on my research..... ticking important tasks off one by one, when I opened an email. It was from one of my favourite websites ‘Glimmer train’ It was so interesting to hear and see the latest news and views with articles that always manage to intrigue me when I clicked on a name ‘Lee Martin’ Deepening Character. Initially I smiled because in my haste I thought it read Lee Marvin.... Lee Martin is professor of English & Director of creative writing at Ohio University. Mr Martin is also an author and was a finalist in the 2006 Pulitzer Prize in fiction.

What an interesting piece. I believe I've read it just at the right time. Being sidetracked from my own research I discovered in his article a profound sentence which made so much sense to me... but until I’d read it, I realised I'd not given much thought to his advice... Many years ago he was advised to remember to make his writing memorable. Getting to grips with his article, I realised in a light bulb moment just like him I always want to rush things (In the literary sense) I go full steam ahead, hurrying. I’m always eager to make things happen the quicker the better. I realised I too was always on the lookout for an odd/strange/weird plot giving little thought to my characters motivation. In his article Lee emphasises, write something that won’t get out of your readers head....something memorable!

I don’t suppose Lee Martin will ever read this commentary, but happily it reiterates to me what I learn on a daily basis and that is... I will never tire of realising that I’ll never know who’ll read my work and I suppose for the most part I’ll never know it's affect, if any!

Today I’ve miraculously found that lost enthusiasm which has definitely brought back my motivation. Maybe just maybe that best seller is on the tip of my tongue; all I need to do now is concentrate more on my characters, allowing them to flourish, thrive and prosper or maybe not....depending of course on the conspiracy as well as on the plots...

So much to learn....so much to see... so much to share and so much to accomplish! Yeahhhhhhhh I really do need silence if I'm to save this world..... :) xxx

Sin-Island...

Anger at boiling point... she decided to take her prisoner and subject him to her scorn... but what exactly had he done to warrant this ferocious attack and would she live on to regret it...

Shhhhhh I hissed angrily… immediately I felt my delicate facial muscles involuntarily twitch. Hoarsely I whispered I can’t stand this any longer; the darkness, your darkness it’s killing me. Come with me quickly but for pity’s sake stop crying. Your cruel blackness is all consuming, your evil thoughts are unbearable… they've overshadowed my life to the point of jeopardising my existence…

I have no alternative, you leave me no choice... I have to take you to the island of sins where I’ll make sure you never escape to darken another’s door… I’ll ensure your complete destruction… making sure your disappearance is ceaseless and everlasting.

Don’t you look at me like that and for gods sake, stop that damn whimpering… with all my heart and the whole-mass of my being, I hate what you've become. Feeling tears cascade like a heavy April shower, I screamed out at the top of my lungs... I especially hate what you’ve done to me. It stop’s now… it has to be eradicated.

Looking around nervously in the gloom, I hoped we'd not been seen. At the waterfront I pulled at the boat’s thick heavy rope, removing it roughly from its anchor point. I moved quickly savagely pushing the tied, gagged individual onto the floating vessel. Nostrils flaring I smelled seaweed flapping against my boat... I could not help but feel completely nauseous, as I watched him struggle to lift his bleeding head off the deck. Evil eyes stared up at me... I scowled like a predator. Looking out to sea I reminded him of how fed up I was with the lies, the let downs especially all those deeply felt disappointments and his never ending soul destroying broken promises. Overcome with profound frustration, I had now reached my boiling point.

The engine hummed, I felt a warm comfortable sensation just knowing my boat was gliding away from land. Silently I watched as his eyes grew darker, his head moved slowly from the land up to the sky then out to sea… , It didn’t sound like me but from somewhere deep, I heard a raucous malevolent laugh. I told him... with out him, I would have an amazing future. I would right all his wrongs. Even so I knew from beyond the unknown, I would have to pay a price for his hijack... But that could wait!

Despite my intense one sided communication, all I could hear through the sea breeze has it gently swept over me, was his deep laboured breaths. Compassion departed long ago so I sneered. Irritably flicking my long damp hair backwards away from my face. Each wave made me more determined. Powerfully I steered the boat further out to sea… I recall feeling so glad the moon was full having put in an appearance... for in a short time I would be able to see fully the ugliness of the other world... the world, I was about to project him into. It was then I decided to tell him where the Island of sin was and just exactly what his dire fate would be…