AngelJanes World :)

Wishes...

2012-01-28T14:35:00.000Z

These thoughts are written from a pure heart and spoken with a deep love wrapped up in affection, directed towards every single, living being... If your out there and receptive, wanting to learn without making the same mistakes I made, then read and learn, but also appreciate I realise everyone has to make their own mistakes, I grew up believing this to be so... but today I want to say... ok, go make your mistakes, but if its a mistake that I can point out for you to avoid simply because it involves family and friends, then I am sure you might listen... Even so, I'll continue knowing the choice will still be yours!

If you’re still there my friend and having a bad time, take it from me, don’t waste time on the He said, she said, He did, she did, syndrome... Too many years are wasted and can never be retrieved ... which unfortunately I’ve found to my cost, ultimately making me feel very sad... When we’re young we feel infallible... I did, I thought I’d never age; I very rarely looked at the bigger picture or to any insensitivity or my selfishness or even a lack of thought... I never actually sat down and thought about the effect my decisions would have on others, well not long term anyway... Don’t worry I’m not beating myself up, just thinking out loud! At present I see so clearly, it's as if a veil's been lifted and for me right now, I super sense if I’m able to pass this wisdom on to just one person, then it will all be worth while... Again, If it’s fixable...Please, fix it, life is so precious, and this is it!

Although I feel no different inside in terms of when I was younger, I also totally sense my spirit is ageless, I mega understand I wasted so much time, I also put precious energy into the wrong things... Blamed others, pointed the finger, believing I was always right...

How many times do we say, I wish? I know if I had a penny, for every time I’d uttered these wistful words, I’m convinced, I’d be a millionaire by now... Today, I dedicate this gorgeous song along with these tender words, to a special sister, in the knowledge that sometimes life surprises us all, because on occasion WiShES ~ do and can come true. It’s quite a warm, restful feeling, knowing the chances are that maybe something once thought out of our grasp, actually is closer than we ever thought possible.

Life’s a funny old thing, opening and closing doors the way it does... My deep Wish today is that I will continue to develop, improve and embrace each new day, recognising every tiny blessing, ensuring I can pass on a deep love with respect and affection to all my family and friends.... As so often happens in life when one experiences certain conditions that occasionally become overwhelming and unbearable, its heart-warming to feel, even if for the briefest moment, that potentially a dream may possibly come true, and even if it doesn’t... you clearly understand that at least the opportunity came for us to make things right...

I hope I don’t ask to much when I request that you stay close!

Tears of an Angel...

2012-01-21T19:49:00.001Z

Tears of an Angel... My most favourite song in the whole world... The haunting melody and words do something to my very soul.

I know I’m capable of imagining good things, I can also imagine the very worst... but, the one thing I know for sure is that this beautiful song, reminds me so much of my siblings, my life including our irretrievable, sad loss of time, space and people.

The beginning of the song ‘Cover my eyes, cover my ears, tell me these words are a lie’... Reminds me of all the times I did exactly that! I would cover my face with little hands then pretend I couldn’t be seen... I was safe; difficulties in life would melt away as I would imagine a better, more different life... I know now it’s that what saved me, and made it possible for a little girl to fantasise about things, events, people, places, and a possible, shiny, bright future... I magically made myself believe the unbelievable. Today I’d imagine, professionals would label a child like this ‘resilient’ back then I didn’t realise I was doing this, until of course I got older and started having flashbacks... My heart would break for the little girl who always felt she was never allowed to be the person she wanted to be.

Today as I listen to the song, I realise, if I’d been born into a better life... meaning, if I’d had both parents and a loving home, the chances are I would have ended up like the ‘Little Princess’ losing it all, and going on to live a life that I would always feel... was not mine... I also know beyond any shadow of doubt, In this life I was meant to struggle, this was my lot...

Looking at the bigger picture and understanding more as I got older, my experiences were needed, so that I would have the deepest possible empathy with all living beings... the good thing in all of this and yes there are good things... is that despite much hardship, and a few knocks here and there... I always managed to recall, there seemed to be a beautiful thread of magic, shimmering here and there in the background, and even when the going got tough, I would usually sense a flicker of thought, that no matter what, all would be well.

The good thing about sad childhood memories is that small people get bigger, it’s then we fully realise that at some point we’ll be in charge, we’ll make choices.

Regardless of the fact that I always longed to be a Princess, I see myself now as the fortunate one, because I'm blessed to have two very beautiful, loving princesses who are in my world every single day.

Right now all I ask is that you please accept my blessings with good wishes and stay close...

Derek's Home and Business Blog

2012-01-12T14:51:00.000Z

Derek's Home and Business Blog

Forgiveness...

2011-12-29T17:28:00.004Z

I do not have a picture of you... I’ve never needed one, because through red-hot rages of persistent disappointments and timeless regret, I’ve always managed to picture you inside my head.... Do you remember once upon a long time ago, you let me brush your beautiful hair? That particular poignant memory has lasted a life-time.

It appears I’m too late with my notion of Forgiveness... My mother is now past the point of no return. Inside my mind I know with that darkness a certain light will die. In the stillness just before death when she takes her last and final breath, I wonder if I’ll know... Will I sense it? ~ Will I finally feel any connection break? ~ At the moment I feel desperately empty, I feel a sense of loss for what could have and should have been. My hope will be that she’ll recognise from my perception, that despite the past, her future in the beyond will be all-forgiving...

Nevertheless Madge, just to reiterate from the deepest depths of my heart, body and soul... I forgive you... With my forgiveness; I send such special love with an expectation that it will accompany you on your next journey. I’m so truly sorry that in this life it did not work out for us all. My inner being knows, for you, this has had to have been a very hard lesson. Maybe that’s why you’re going the way you are... your memory’s been wiped clean, your thoughts are now on your own particular present, here and now... I suspect your thoughts won’t last any longer than it took for you to think about them. I can’t help wondering if in your final days your heart will feel happiness, or even if your mind will be capable or even able, to feel any joy should you look out the window and glimpse a familiar face... Will this be a sad way for you to leave this world? or will you know nothing as your steady, rhythmic breath grows less and less, leaving your spirit to go when it is ready... I also wonder if at the moment of death, will your mind become free and will you then suddenly realise your devastating, wasted loss?

Take care Mum; continue to be taught for I refuse to accept that you did not learn from your journey here. It is said we make our own Karma... It’s my belief that although we do not usually take vivid memories to the next life, we certainly have a bank account of different types of reserved Karma, which I also believe accompanies us through-out many lives of necessary learning... My heartfelt hope for you is that any bad Karma, will be greatly reduced with any forgiveness of the past.

Although I will think of you often, I'm sure I will always have a deep heartfelt wish, that my sister, brothers and myself had been blessed with a loving mother... One who'd managed to keep us safe and loved, but on my own journey I’ve sadly discovered this was not to be for us, or you, and it would unquestionably not do any good to hold on to any bad feelings... I do not want you to suffer. I figure the way it’s turned out is penance enough. With my final salute I stand proud, neck bent; head gently bowed with hands folded in prayer.

Who knows, maybe one day we’ll get to meet again!

Namaste and safe journey...

The True Meaning Of Christmas...

2011-12-18T13:14:00.005Z

When I read the story below ‘Teach the children’ (Author Unknown) ~ I’ve re-edited slightly... I immediately felt a powerful sense of remembrance, that sometimes we forget the real meaning of Christmas. We get caught up in all the hype, the pressure, the rush, the push, the mush, and demands, wanting to do the best we can for families and friends, but, it's also worth remembering... some of us may miss that golden opportunity to remind ourselves, this is the absolute, perfect opportunity to downsize the scale of this particularly beautiful story to use to our advantage, promoting it in an age appropriate way to simply put the message across of the true meaning of Christmas, to our children and young people. And right now, this is just about the right time to share this beautiful story of some of the reasons we celebrate and embrace the magic of Christmas... Despite some of us forgetting the meaning, I also have to add on my journey I've always witnessed a delight in others in the giving and receiving.

Teach the children.

I was locking the house for the night, when I heard a noise from the front of the house, I opened the door to the front room and to my surprise, Santa himself stepped out from behind the Christmas tree, he placed his finger over his mouth, Shhhhhhhhh.

What are you doing?!! I started to ask.

The words choked in my throat, as I observed he had tears in his eyes. His usual jovial manner had disappeared, and gone was the eager boisterous character we all know; he then answered in a simple statement, teach the children.

I was puzzled, what did he mean? He guessed my question, and with one swift movement, he pulled a miniature toy bag from behind the tree, as I stood puzzled? He said teach the children! Teach the old meaning of Christmas, the meaning that ‘now-a-days Christmas’ has forgotten.

Santa then reached into his bag, and pulled out a fir tree and put it in front of the fireplace.

Teach the children that the pure green colour of the stately tree remains green all year round, representing the everlasting hope of all mankind, all the needles point heavenward, making it a symbol of mans thoughts turning toward heaven,

He then reached into his bag again, and pulled out a brilliant star.

Teach the children that the star was a heavenly sign of promises long ago, god promised a saviour for the world, and the star was the sign of fulfillment of his promise,

He again reached inside his bag and pulled out a candle,

Teach the children, that the candle symbolises that Christ is the light of the world, and when we see this great light we are reminded of Jesus, who fills our lives with light,

Once again he reached into his bag and pulled out a wreath, placing it on the tree.

Teach the children, that the wreath symbolises the real nature of love, real love never ceases, like god’s love, no beginning or end.

He then pulled out an ornament of himself.

Teach the children that I, Santa Clause, symbolise the generosity and kindness we all feel in the month December.

Once again he reached into his bag and pulled out a holly leaf.

Teach the children, that the holly plant represents immortality, it represents the crown of thorns worn by our saviour, the red holly represents his blood, shed by him,

Next he pulled out a gift, and said

Teach the children, that god so loved the world, he gave us his only son, we thank god for his very special gift,

Teach the children, that the wise men bowed before the holy baby and gave him gifts, of gold, frankincense and myrrh, we should always give gifts in the same spirit as the wise men.

Santa then reached into his sack and pulled out a sugar cane and hung it on the tree,

Teach the children that the sugar cane represents the shepherds crook, the crook on the staff helps to bring back lost sheep to the flock.

He reached in again, and pulled out an angel.

Teach the children, that it was the angels who announced the glorious saviours birth, the angels sang glory to god in the highest, on earth peace and goodwill toward men,

Suddenly I heard the softest tinkling sound, and from his bag he pulled a bell.

Teach the children, that as the lost sheep are found by the sound from the bell, it should ring to guide us to god, the bell symbolises guidance and return, it reminds us that we are all precious in the eyes of god,

Santa looked back and was pleased, I saw the twinkle in his eyes as he said,

Remember teach the children, the true meaning of Christmas, do not put me in the centre, for I am but a humble servant of the one that is, and I bow down to worship him, our lord! Our god!

I would like to wish you all a very Happy Christmas, a bright new year with peace & love in your world.

Namaste: Stay Close!

For me...

2011-12-08T13:03:00.004Z

Not many people know what life has in store ~ in my opinion and being completely honest, it’s a damn good job!

Sometimes we can go through the most devastating circumstances, and then find we go on to struggle with the most inconceivable challenges.

I write to remind myself of some of the many blessings I have in life.... Occasionally though, the gloom and darkness have obscured what was evident... So for me I write this as a permanent reminder that despite what we go through... there is still much to be happy and content about.

Right now a big thing for me is to be in a position to thankfully share how privileged I am to be in-love, sincerely appreciating how that love feels and what it essentially means. I’m also aware of and will never forget that long ago, sad intense, crappy feelings around wanting love and remembering how sorrowful it made me feel when it was not present in my life. I also remember being in the rather lonely position of experiencing incredible, beautiful, lovable feelings, happily knowing when I found the right person who ticked all my boxes, then my invisible trusty list of wants, needs and must haves, would at last be engaged with (together) as if it were law... a law that had been written with-in a certified and magical legal contract, written by the lord of all fairness himself.

I think it’s worth a mention that I have friends who are just as happy in beautiful, meaningful relationships and some just as happy out of them. I also have friends who are not happy living their single life. I have to add, it’s the friends who are not happy but never say anything that have inspired me to write, sharing my thoughts... I have a deep empathy for them, because after concentrating on my reflections recently, I know I’ve walked uncomfortably in their shoes. I especially know how it feels to want something so bad that you clearly comprehend that once you have it; you’ll treasure it forever, why? Because it’s your deepest, dearest wish, to walk a path where there are clearly two sets of footprints. I'd like to think after reading this, they will embrace the fact that even when one thinks it wont happen, it can and often does...

I’m fortunate to have a diverse range of friends, I understand being in a relationship is not for everybody, nor is it what everybody wants, but throughout life I’ve always recognised I never wanted to be alone... However after saying that, I reluctantly but thankfully spent time alone and although it wasn’t for me, I did learn a heck of a lot about myself. It was a good time, where I managed to heal and get rid of unnecessary baggage. I later realised I’d got myself into quite a good position, where if I met the right person then I was more than ready... No hang-ups, or Pre-Ex issues, just a nice lady waiting for the right guy who would also be raring to go for an honest, genuine relationship.

Don’t get me wrong though, I did spend a little time coming across individuals who had strange morals, unsavory behaviour and very different needs... I use to ask my friend, how do you know you've met the right one, all she would say is "You will know" she was absolutely right! Then one fine day... a day I thought would never happen ... happened!

I think its appropriate the Blog 'You were meant for me' is worth a mention. A beautiful reminder of the perfect moment!

http://angeljanesworld.blogspot.com/2010/08/you-were-meant-for-me.html

I get teary eyed when I thank my lucky stars, knowing I'm fortunate enough to be able to share this life... Maybe it’s not perfect, but you know what? it’s as perfect as we can make it...

Dont forget... Stay Close!

Fantastic Prize @Ewen's In Blackburn Market

2011-11-26T17:14:00.000Z

Christmas is coming and we know this will help ~ I spy with my little eye something beginning with.... Check out the 'Magic Word' which is being run in conjunction with www.blackburnlife.com at Ewen's Butchers In the new BlackburnMarket where a warm welcome is waiting...

http://www.blackburnlife.com/2011/11/fantastic-prize-at-ewens-butchers-in-blackburn-market-competition/

A Change of Heart...

2011-11-19T18:42:00.000Z

Dedicated to my Sister and Brothers... In our early years we sadly missed out on so much, all of which was out of our control... in coming almost full circle I know individually we’ve gathered life experiences separately... but, in becoming aware of all the info and clearly seeing history, I rejoice because it is us who really are the lucky ones!

I realise some might not agree with my findings, but please remember I write from my own perspective...

I have learned that the happiness and wellbeing of others dictates I have to let certain, long standing issues go... I know till recently the biggest issue for most of my life is the fact I did not have a proper mother... Recently I made a decision that’s both shocked and surprised me, but I suppose what’s been instrumental in helping me make this long, overdue decision, is a number of things that I’d like to especially share with my siblings.

Recently I was sadly advised our biological mother had been struck with an awful degenerative disease Senile-Dementia... I’m not sure if I can articulate or express how I feel into words.

My thoughts, my feelings and how I feel... when I was told I was strangely calm, yet I felt a penetrating sadness. If there’d been the slightest chance of proper closure then I knew it had transpired within the blink of my own heartbeat and mores’ to the point, disappointingly without our mother’s input. Due to her illness, I also grasped it would never happen due to what would be her dramatic loss of memory... I felt for myself and my siblings... I also felt for her beautiful grandchildren. What a crying shame to leave this beautiful world neither knowing nor learning.

My heart is heavy... if there’d been any possibility of two hearts and minds triumphantly coming together to address the past, share history, discover the family I’d never known... Now it would be gone forever!

For seven days and seven nights I thought about what we’d lost as individuals and as a family... Then it hit me ~ whilst reading my Buddah teachings, listening to the sincerity of their wise words of wisdom, I knew with crystal precision which filled me with joy... I wanted to forgive the mother who’d never been a mother. For the first time ever I truly felt for a lost mother, who’d unfortunately never joyfully lived to know unconditional love and affection from her own beautiful children and grandchildren.

From beyond the unknown, I was overwhelmed with the knowledge and a deep sense of the right thing to do.

All those years of wasted energy we’d both demonstrated by concentrating on pointless negativity, the blame, finger pointing... Yes I know stuff happened, hurtful, damaging stuff, which sadly ended in five children being taken into care. But, we were lucky, some kids don’t make it, some kids don’t even have food or water or a place to live.

For me the time is right to forgive. At last I’m ready to genuinely look towards my Mother, smile with no hatred hiding in my heart. I’d like to hold her hand look into her eyes and tell her honestly that I, her eldest daughter follow a different path, and I wish her nothing but happiness and peace of mind.

If I could accomplish this the joy would be mine and I would pray she would feel complete forgiveness to take with her to the next life, where hopefully she will become the best mother ever.

I’ve read ‘Senile Dementia’ is a cruel illness; I believe the blessing for my mother will be that she’ll stop feeling guilty and have no bad memories of any wrong doing, mistakes or lost children.

There is no better feeling than the feeling of helping another living-being.

For so long I’ve felt bad and for good reason, but, the time has come to think differently and deal with certain situations if I’m to help support and apply positive effort for the best possible outcome.

As my journey continues, my wish is that no matter what, you'll stay with me!

Namaste

Just For You

2011-10-18T17:45:00.003+01:00

I dedicate this post to those of you I’ve not been in touch with... I know that sometimes silence is a necessity; it allows a person time to heal and gather their strength which is necessary for recovery... Thank you for being there and despite my silence I’ve been grateful for your kind words and thoughts...

"Strength does not come from winning. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength." Mahatma Gandhi

In life when things change too much or too quickly, there can be the possibility of it becoming overly complicated, even stressful. I recently read an article that stated if you think back a year or two and think about how much extra responsibility you’ve got? You may well find you have too much stuff going on or even too many possessions including, projects and commitments. I did this and listed down all the changes in my life over the last few years and realised surprisingly, for someone who doesn’t like change a lot happened… As some of you may know, not all of it for the good… Also I feel it’s worth mentioning, as much as I share I also possess a silent side and quite rightly there’s the private stuff I keep for me and my lovely man.

If I had to describe it, I’d say for me it’s been like watching a mountain being built and trying to figure out how you can deal with each individual issue, as the mountain grows, its foundations crumble… The fragility of it all penetrates your soul; sadly you’re left feeling the fall-out with a vulnerability that’s concerning enough to make you want to crawl away until it all stops dead.

I’ve found my dislike of change reduces my focus, increases stress levels and usually lowers my performance. I’ve been known to take on too much… Oh you know what it’s like, we have good intentions, but, if that stress button lights up, then it becomes difficult and unmanageable…

Over the past few months I’ve discovered, I don’t let go of things easily… I realise this is not a good thing! The last 3-4 weeks with extra support I’ve learnt to cut down on stuff like projects, plans and possessions. I know this has been the busiest year of my life and although I knew there would be lots of changes, I felt confident I would cope and I was doing ok until my beautiful girl’s condition became worse, then everything seemed to go out the window and all the questions which surged from my core, overwhelmed me completely, leaving me reeling. I also know what didn’t help was my lack of positivity. The change in me became significant enough to overshadow everything I once believed in. The last two weeks I’m pleased to say, have been positive in that I’ve managed to make a start on changing my thinking… I’ll quickly add it’s an ongoing project and I have to be honest with you, it’s damn hard… This change is necessary; it will benefit not just me, but my family and friends as I’ve become well aware that they really worry over me. The differences they’ve witnessed over the last two years have caused further anxiety… Now that my thinking’s become less cloudy, I know I’ve missed so much stuff. Not only have I missed within my personal life I’ve also missed out on work colleagues… I have every intention of catching up and soon!

We all know life’s unpredictable, if I had any advice, it would be... YOU have to come first, so look after your-self… if you let yourself drop into the darkness then it’s very hard to lift yourself out, especially my friend if your questions remain unanswered. I’ve gathered from this experience, nothing lasts forever but, the positivity here is that family and friends who have remained in contact despite not receiving anything back, has shown me by reinforcing that there are some beautiful people on this planet and for that blessing, I will always be truly thankful.

Namaste..... X

Thankfulness and Beyond

2011-10-16T16:19:00.001+01:00

It’s always so nice to receive thanks for things we say or do. It fills us with fuzzy warmth that is deeply comforting, reaffirming, we did the right thing... Everyone likes to be thanked and not surprisingly, no one ever gets tired of it...

As some of you may already know the past 2 years have been especially hard and at this point that struggle continues... On this beautiful Sunday afternoon, my reason for writing and sharing this post is quite simply to look at you all, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words and thoughts, not forgetting physical, emotional and virtual-cyber support... some of you will never know how deeply you‘ve touched me and subsequently my family.

Family, friends and yes, even strangers have reached out and touched my heart. I believe gratitude is the most exquisite form of courtesy and as long as I can feel that, I will continue to sense our connection. It’s so important to be able to share this deeper element of oneself. I came to know this truth from experience... once upon a long time ago; I let someone leave this wonderful planet without telling them how I really felt. Alarmingly the finalisation of that frustrating knowledge, eventually helped me understand that being oneself, sharing ones heart and being the real you with genuineness, is really what’s important for the here, now and future....Unfortunately, on my travels I‘ve come across individuals who have disbelieved sincerity, who’ve sadly gone on to disconnect all ties under many false illusions with their unrealistic ideas of what is actually fact, truth or fiction... Like anyone this could have happened to, we know the awful injustice will remain for as long as we are, because, the unfairness of it strikes deep within our hearts and we know we have lost something that could have been so beautiful and wretchedly we grasp with clarity, the fact that we’ll never be able to recapture lost time or potential precious memories.
As usual I’ve veered off the track, because in thanking others it sorrowfully reminds me of the past... My family mean so much to me, I am always full of regret when I remember we are not all together and yet, I know they are there...

I want to end on a huge positive so I will continue with this thought...

I'm where I should be. My world, although not perfect is as perfect as can transpire... I've learned and continue to learn much and I especially know with crystal clear understanding, being here for my family and friends is where I want to be... I know you know that nothing is perfect, so live your life, dream your dreams and remember, be yourself with a genuineness that won’t compare...

Oh and guys... Thanks again!

The Final Maltese Chronicle 2010 Part 7

2011-10-15T15:44:00.001+01:00

Friday 3^rd Dec 2010:

As long as I live, I know that I’ll never be able to capture the words to describe the final, complete and exquisite magic which happened within the confines of our Maltese Hotel, on our last evening together...

Oh What A Glorious Day!

Little did we know just how magnificently this beautiful day would end? With sad hearts we rose knowing this was our last day...

On entering the dining room for breakfast all four of us visibly brighten as guests and hotel staff shout good morning greetings, waving at four ladies from England. Waving back we take great pleasure in reminding them they’re in for a real treat this evening, tonight, we squeal is fancy dress. Genuine Warm smiles mixed with laughter follow us as we go to choose breakfast.
Several days earlier we’d decided, Friday was going to be our chilling day, a last day to try and capture more Maltese rays of warm sun-shine, but unfortunately it was cloudy with spit spots of threatening rain.

After breakfast, the four of us stood in front of our hotel, its splendid window frontage overlooking a most wonderful view of the sea. Silence pulsates between us as we all stood within our own dream world. It was Charlotte who broke into the moment...
“I know, let’s go shopping”

Four sets of eyes need no further persuasion... four hours later found four shattered females flopping down into a favourite snack bar as we order, delicious chicken and mushroom bakes ~ beer, wine and sangria... I exhaled as I heard Gypsy Kings playing in the background. Giggling, toe tapping and much chatter continued to keep us busy as we explore the night ahead.

Sixty minutes later, walking back to our hotel, thoughts of sunbathing in the rain ~ more laughter!
On a wet sunbathing terrace it wasn’t hard to see, sunbathing was definitely not order of the day ~ guests weren’t around, staff laughed and waved when they witnessed us covered in beach towels, lying on sun loungers with sun brollies up... enjoying the last few hours of warm daylight. We knew going back to England tomorrow we’d be returning to snow and a rather drastic plummet in temperatures.

Drinks ordered, we lay on sun beds when the lovely Selina joined us.

“Where are you all eating tonight?” Selina wanted to know

“We’ve booked into the Chinese for our last meal” I returned misty eyed.

“We’ve invited Frank” Samantha said.

Ninety years young, Frank was such a good guy, a true gent and a delight to be around.
When we walked into our favourite Chinese restaurant that evening, guests and staff could not believe their eyes. We had little red riding hood (Charlotte) A super sexy bunny (Miranda) a first sexy class airline pilot (Samantha) and me... a masquerade-ball princess. As we walked through for our meal, Frank had the biggest smile. Cheekily I whisper to him that he was behaving like and just reminded me of Charlie with his angels; this simply made his grin deepen. If I say this was the beginning to a hugely wonderful evening, I truly didn’t realise at that point how absolutely amazing it was going to be.

As we wait for starters, music, laughter and cheerfulness emanates throughout the restaurant. It was only when we felt a gentle breeze blow towards our table; we knew someone had entered the restaurant... Imagine our surprise when the hotel manager approached our table laughing, holding up a cat mask he said
“Selina has sent me to see you” He spent a few moments chatting and sharing with us that he felt we’d been good sports all week and the hotel, its guests had appreciated our company... He further said that he would appreciate it if we’d join him for drinks later!

The four of us were kind of speechless after he left... to have been thanked by the manager him-self was truly a compliment and an honour...
The rest of dinner was fabulous, loads of gorgeous food, copious amounts to drink, all made for a truly magical beginning to what was to become an outstanding night.

Walking slowly back I kept thinking how wonderful we all look and how delighted Frank was at escorting us ladies back to the most beautiful bar in the world. Personally I felt so happy, I wanted to hug myself and everyone else around me. We walked slowly due to Frank’s age, walking slowly also had perks... In a world of my own, I looked at my friends and realised how much I truly loved each and every one of them with their complete acceptance of most of what I might say, my thoughts made me emotional. As we walked further through our beautiful hotel grounds and its immense corridors, the black and whiteness of its marble reminds me just how gorgeous our surroundings are... As I Listen to my huge masquerade ball gown swishhhhh along marble, I know my heart forever keeps, holds, and locks in tight irreplaceable memories from our week in Malta... I also know my mask hides misty eyes that glisten enough to bring my girls rushing towards me, luxuriously, allowing me the time to hold them tight for a whole five minutes... then realising they were getting worried I laughed, come on... last one to the bar buys the drinks... that was more than enough to kick start all of us (except Frank of course) into the well known bar run...
Unfortunately Miranda came last and then moaned and moaned the whole way through ordering our round of drinks... Smiling at her irritation, I looked about the room it looked so beautiful, everything glistened and that’s when I see the strictly come dancing team, rush over towards us...

As they all push closer to look...

“Oh girls you look absolutely wonderful”...

The mood feels beautiful, people are happy; music blares... it’s going to be a brilliant night.
The dancing’s wonderful. We’re all up; the music’s taking us there... mind-you, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, as we all know, drink helps.

Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte, Selina and I were up and it felt great. The atmosphere pure electric, the place filled up fast and the bar, buzzed, mega busy. The DJ started taking requests and the whole of the bar started to join in a circle, a circle that grew and grew... through the flashing lights the music started up and I heard Frank Sinatra’s voice call, New York New York... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-ZUXQuFcnw The atmosphere twitched and trembled as every single person in that bar joined hands and started dancing in an unbroken circle, the smiles, the ambience hit everyone... kicking legs high we sang with Frank Sinatra and as New York ,New York faded, the girls and I went to the stage eager and happy to address the crowd, telling them we’d had a fabulous week and although we were really sorry to be going... the memories we would take with us, would never fade... We called Frank over and thanked him for looking after us... his eyes misted as he thanked us back, saying he’d really enjoyed our company and was sad we were leaving. Individuals were coming up and hugging us and saying goodnight and goodbye...
Phew I said, how the heck do you beat this? “You don’t” whispered Miranda.

A restless night and a sad journey home... but once again, at Manchester airport despite our sadness at leaving Malta, we rejoiced at landing on familiar territory. As I kissed and dropped my last friend off I put my foot down in a bid to reunite with my beautiful man...

Will I go to Malta again? I don’t think so; you cannot expect to repeat perfection a second time around!

THE END

Meditation and the Journey.

2011-10-13T11:09:00.005+01:00

Today I learned... Buddha is a complete way of life, concerned with the wholesome development of the individual. In the words of Buddha himself: Learn to do good, Cease to do harm, Control the mind, and Benefit others. These are principles I try to live by, but being tutored feels especially beneficial in helping my understanding of things that I questioned before.

Not being completely sure what to expect from my pre-booked meditation class, I arrived at the school, parked up quickly then as I stepped out of the car I felt the nerves begin to twitch. Hurrying through the school car park, no clue where to gain entrance, I saw the back of a lonely figure a few yards ahead of me. Calling out... the young lady turned and without taking breath I asked where K Block was, she smiled and said she had no idea then asked where I wanted to go... Meditation, I said breathlessly, aha she smiled that’s where I am going. As if by magic, I now had someone to walk into class with. All day I had been anxious and dreaded the very thought of walking in alone. It was almost like my prayers had been answered. Good start I thought!

The room not as I imagined a meditation-room to be was an ordinary class-room the students used for drama. There were film posters around the walls, books and tapes. I observed the seated individuals and yes despite my surroundings, I sensed something very calm about the room and its occupants.

Welcoming the class our teacher introduced herself. We spent the first part of our time with a prayer and then with a teaching on different levels of ‘happiness and love’ and what that meant in terms of how we perceived and dealt with these emotions. There was a lot more to it and I felt the teacher explained herself very well... despite me never having attended before, I had a clear grasp on what she was saying and it all made perfect sense to me. I felt like I’d been here before and I understood the concept of the message and at that point I felt a warmth begin to spread inside of me. Previously I’d worried I wouldn’t understand, and yet here I was in a new class, I felt completely at home. I knew I had made the right decision to attend.

Our first mediation about to begin... I felt incredibly nervous and I wanted to laugh... My teacher told us to relax, place both feet flat on the floor and hold our hands in our laps, whichever way felt comfortable, and to help stop hands from moving we were to hold our thumbs close together. Throughout the first meditation all I heard was her soft soothing voice. I have to admit, I kept opening my eyes, thoughts kept breaking through. I felt frustrated knowing this is just what happens at home, I’m never going to be able to quieten my mind I thought negatively. There was a further Buddha teaching, which I found very interesting, it made me think of the possibilities of these new thoughts, especially now they were being explained to me. We then had a second meditation this was called a ‘Contemplation Meditation’ by this time I felt more comfortable and felt able to relax. Throughout I concentrated on my breath... My teacher told us if you find thoughts invading your mind; concentrate on the breath as you inhale through your nostrils... Each and every time those thoughts penetrated, I immediately took myself to the breath and it worked... so much so, I almost fell asleep and experienced a complete blankness which had an amazing affect on me. As long as I have lived, that’s never happened. I have never been able to have nothing on my mind... After ‘Contemplation Meditation’ we got to chat to each other over coffee. I further discovered all of the participants had been doing meditation for a couple of years and longer... they were friendly and I didn’t feel awkward.

I also learned how Buddhism teaches us to overcome problems and difficulties by understanding and overcoming their causes. I understood from discussion that normally we look outwards for answers to problems, Buddha teaches us to look inwards. He shows how feelings of dissatisfaction arise from negative states of mind. He offers methods to eliminate these by developing generosity, compassion, wisdom and other positive states of mind. Cultivating these qualities, we discover an inner state of peace and strength.

Throughout the two hours in class and further reading, I learned the word Buddha means ‘Awakened One’ A Buddha is one who has awakened from an ignorant sleep, sees things as they really are and is free from faults and mental obstructions.

The Buddha school I attend encourages people from all ethnic backgrounds to adopt the wisdom and compassion of Buddha and to put it into practice in a way that suits their particular culture...

After all I have seen and felt over the last twenty-four hours ... My passion rises to unknown heights and although I know this is probably ludicrous to some. It will be magical to others...

Be true to yourself and don’t be afraid to explore unknown depths.

Stay with me ~ Namaste

This Beautiful Mad, Mad World...

2011-10-12T11:53:00.004+01:00

Remember whilst reading this article... It’s been said many times ‘You have to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before you really experience what they are going through’ we are powerful; with every thought, word, choice and action, we determine our future and how we perceive the world and its inhabitants... I want to see my world differently before it’s my turn to get off... I want to know I did everything right and to the best of my ability... I cannot over emphasise the importance of engaging at as many levels as possible, to purely attain your own knowledge and understanding to see and support the connection between us all, and there is a connection, a beautiful one that needs a little understanding to help us focus on the correct way to do things...

As you read these words some individuals are on the internet busily networking or browsing for a better life. Other individuals are @ the gym, others are out shopping possibly passing a homeless person begging for their living. Parents are driving children to school or taking them to appointments; others remain at home searching job papers or sadly sat in a chair depressed at the very thought of going to work or simply living their life.

Whilst we may be aware that everyone is different, the same questions press through hearts and minds ‘How can I live today, where can I look to have a sense of well-being when my life it is dissolving right in front of me? How can I find the happiness I use to feel in this unreliable, unpredictable world? Where might I find peace of mind I desperately yearn? I share this, hoping to stop others from rushing around in this mad, mad world... it’s so important to see where you’re going, what you’re doing and why! Sensing those reasons as well as remembering this life is for living. Your physical and mental survival is important. So is the realisation that we are not just here for ourselves, it’s terribly important how we live, love, share and experience life... these essential skills impact on just about everything, who we are and what we do...

I've become aware that I’m going through some sort of transition... I have this incredible feeling that this should have happened many moons ago, but, for whatever reason I realise clearly I managed to put it off... Now my yellow brick road is moving again and I have a clear sense of change... hopefully it will be for the better!

Knowing I have company on this journey is comforting... because even if you don’t talk to me, I know you're there!

I enjoy reading positive affirmations to encourage me on my life’s path... I’ve always magically known, within all human-beings there lie’s a seed of enlightenment but, I also understand intuitively we have to be in the right place at the right time and just for added measure, be experiencing certain conditions for it to sprout... I’ve come to believe that self-actualisation is a powerful process and in embracing this we learn so much about ourselves in the process... This experience is not just for me, and willingly I share my all in the hope that I help someone else on this sometimes bumpy journey.

To me self-empowerment will raise many questions as well as bring answers, joy, and I suspect I will realise the me I am, the me I want to be, and the me I’m meant to embrace... if I manage to bring with that clarity more power to love, give, reward, share joyfulness, contentment, peace, healing, acceptance, genuine unconditional thoughts and attain a deeper wisdom then I will be happy to simply understand what all of that means, and share my experiences of attaining such beauty within my life... I also know I have been through much and sadly I have to contain such sadness which I've grown to understand further enables a person to become a much stronger character... It also means I don’t have a problem talking about or understanding my own weaknesses, my faults, strengths etc... Knowing I have done something about them is half way to reaching my goals of which I have many.

Please, stay with me!

Heart Body & Soul

2011-10-08T15:29:00.000+01:00

For most of my life for one reason or another I lived in fear... then I became a mother and as if by magic I was no longer afraid... With my new role I changed, I grew and I blossomed. No one fitted the role better or more perfect... She was my beautiful girl, my heart-beat and I would always make life comfortable, safe, secure and happy... Unlike me she would have more than the basics in life, I would go with-out and I'd always make sure she felt the sparkling, enchantment of her precious childhood...

If you’re like me then sometimes in this life you may wonder ‘what the hell happened’ or better still ‘how do we get through this’ or maybe more realistically ‘how do we live with it’... the ‘IT’ in my world is continuing to deal with the fallout that we as a family are still experiencing since 2009... If you have read my brief but personal account of that horrendous time http://angeljanesworld.blogspot.com/2011/08/desmoid-tumour-research-foundation.html then I’m sure you will know, maybe even understand the devastating effects that something like that can have on a family... During the past two years my journey has been hard, because not only am I struggling to accept that my beautiful girl has a lifelong condition but also the intense horror knowing that to date, there is no known cure... the doctors, even specialists all seem to have different view points and no two treatments appear to be the same, which is terribly disconcerting.

I use to visualise my life’s journeys as a magical, shiny yellow brick road, the one from the film, ‘Wizard of Oz’ that path has not been an easy one and like others I have occasionally veered off from my journey, but since the’ IT’ came into our lives, it’s been extremely hard to visualise anything... sadly this has managed to send me spiralling emotionally out of control towards a darkness that I really didn’t want to penetrate... As a mother I don’t need to tell any parent how it feels not to be able to make it better, but when not making it better means not being able to do anything at all to ease your child’s worry’s or hurt then it’s hard to come to terms with. For me personally, it’s fallen into me being just ok, managing and supporting everyone else, to me screaming silently for someone to save and support me. All this accumulates into a deep, dark stress which overwhelms a person into believing the opposite of everything they once believed... I use to believe so much prior to this and I always produced a happy face believing even if I wasn’t really happy, the fact I was able to convince others I was, made it better...

During the last two years I believe I developed illnesses when there wasn’t any. I felt darkness come and it stayed, because I made it easy to remain... I stopped confiding in my loved ones because I felt they had enough to cope with without me adding even more pressure. I genuinely thought I might die if I allowed myself to think of the unthinkable and although I’m not through the hoop yet, I made an important decision a couple of weeks ago... I sensibly decided, I’m no good to anyone in my present state and the best thing to do was tell the Doctor, tell him how I truly felt about things, instead of keeping most of my thoughts to myself, pretending to be half ok... With that enlightening admission, a wealth of help and support came and do you know what? ~ It meant I didn’t overwhelm my lovely family with all the gory details of how I was feeling, which helped me feel much better... After my disclosure, my clever GP referred me to the Gym, where I‘ve taken up Tai Chi. I also start Buddha meditation classes next week, something I’ve always been interested in... Already my pulse rate has lowered, maybe that’s an indication of how it’s going to progress. I’ve read recently about the Buddha principles, of their way of life and what it means. I don’t quite understand meditation except to say its explained simply as a tool for developing qualities such as inner peace, love and patience, all of which I need right now. On that note I will keep you posted and blog about my first night... which will be next Wednesday.

To update my girl’s progress... A couple of weeks ago Christies offered her amputation, I can tell you right now, at that moment in the clinical, pristine consultation room, our world stopped,collided and crashed... I didn’t want to breathe, when I looked over at the consultant, I saw clearly he'd also stopped breathing... such news is obviously as painful for them as it is for us to hear... looking over to my girl, I saw big blue frightened eyes, they said it all... to this day, I’ll never know, how I managed not to cry my heart out...

If I tell you I have the strongest girl in the world then please believe me, because within 10mins of hearing that dreadful conclusion, she was up using fighting talk, advising me that no way was anyone taking her arm off... Her words not mine>>>She continued without taking a breath>>> I would rather live a short life being able-bodied, then a long life disabled and miserable... I tried to talk to her about people managing with these very sad conditions, her argument, we are all different mum and for me it can never happen... For someone so young It struck me I'd brought up a very strong, opinionated individual, who has her own mind and is ready for the fight. My own conclusion to that awful day in the consultation room >>> If she can fight this, then so can I...

We’re a team, bonded heart body and soul.

The Message

2011-09-05T12:46:00.003+01:00

To the Happy Little Girl I always wanted to be.......... This life is not over!

The room is every bit as ancient as the past... I watch the light fade upon familiar faces in an eerie twilight kind of way, I sense silence could be cut with a knife, but the absolute knowledge that I’m actually asleep, watching from afar and completely aware of a progressively frightening situation, makes the experience all the more outlandish. The whole atmosphere abhorrent, I sit rigid, clutching off white cobwebbed table linen. I know categorically I don’t want to be here but a much, bigger part of me recognises sweet childhood faces. I instinctively know that right now, this is the place I must be.

Just as I hear a child’s far away cry this briefly tenses me a whole lot further, movement at the head of the table signifies I really do know this child; I stare hard at the little blonde-haired boy, he moves in slow motion towards mouldy, mouse infested food which sits right in front of him. Slowly, unbelieving, I look to the left of the little Blonde boy, another sad whisper of a child; her beautiful, sad, empty eyes stare beseechingly towards me... Next to her, a woman, auburn hair wildly backcombed, empty eyes which don’t stare because, for some reason I don’t see a light or any recognition and If you asked directly I would insist she look’s dead, that would be if her right hand wasn’t twitching as it rests upon the table.

I breathe deep as I inhale tiny particles of dust from the room. On the other side of the table I see another young boy, his eyes ice blue and full to the brim with tears. Immediately I fill up myself. I’m beginning to understand the strange significance of this... to his left another little boy, slightly older and again reaching forward for food, food that is no longer viable but, there's a hunger moving around the table. Again the faraway child’s intense cry sounds louder, crying longer each time it penetrates the room. I look to the walls, instantly I observe rosy pictures... childhood pictures of photo’s that should have been taken but weren’t, happy faces of beautiful children as they play together without a care in the world... the strange thing is though when I see each and every photo it fizzles, leaving a dark, angry mark on the walls of the room.

I look back to the table; my family still stationary although now they all look towards me, I stifle a scream as I clearly see that the skin on their faces has disgustingly begun to decompose... Leaning back in my chair... I know these children are my siblings and the woman is our mother... I realise the dream means so much more, I especially sense the closure, it explains at long last that no matter what I would have done in a life, present or previous, there would have been nothing I could have done to make all the adult wrongs right... I know I am blessed to have been given such beautiful brothers and sister, but sadly knowing the rights or even wrongs on the journey wouldn’t have made the path for us any easier... eventually only we, individually, could do that through making right choices! ... Watching the scene before me I raise very slowly, I don’t want to wake-up yet... Unfinished business... I still hear the child crying, I also feel the thread between us and confusingly it’s very strong. I desperately want to see her, comfort her and tell her it’s going to be alright!

The big brown, dirty door is heavy as it opens. Nervously I step into a dark, dismal corridor... My eyes adjust to the darkness and just outside that door; there she sits, cross-legged. Her tiny shoulders shudder gently with each cry as it struggles to erupt from her throat; her dark blonde head rests on her chest. Slowly I bend to try and reassure her it is going to be alright. Crouching down, I place my hand tentatively on her head. A few moments pass, her tears begin to stop, when she looks upto me, I gasp almost falling over, the reason I do this is because instantly I recognise myself ... The sadness, overwhelmingly explodes within us both. Naturally I reach forward; standing her up I tenderly wrap her in complete unconditional love, as I carefully whisper...

“Jane you don’t worry anymore, it’s going to be ok, you’re going to be alright, never forget I love you”

Desmoid Tumour Research Foundation ...

2011-08-19T21:25:00.032+01:00

On Sunday 23^rd Oct 2011 come rain or shine

A Fun Run~ Running for Answers.

Will take place in Fairmount Park Philadelphia PA

Organised by Desmoid Tumour Research Foundation: In aid of Fibromatosis Desmoid Tumours...

In 2009 my family received terrible news... When you’re told your child has a tumour, you instinctively take it that the tumour is cancerous and your world begins to fall apart... We were referred to a specialist hospital over a 100miles away and after a consultation, a thorough examination and a rather difficult biopsy we waited for what seemed like forever.

The verdict was in... ~ Benign ~ I almost passed out with the joy of pure relief... Fibromatosis ~ a name was thrown down the telephone, but I was too busy laughing and hugging my beautiful girl and thanking god and the consultant ~ it’s going to be ok I told her, it’s going to be ok...
How wrong I was... 2011 after one extremely invasive operation and god knows how many trips backwards and forwards to the specialist hospital... my girl decided after a final consultation and the distressing news, she was going to lose her arm ~ she quite rightly wanted a 2^nd opinion.

I won’t go on or into details, except to say she’s been referred to ‘Christies Cancer hospital’ (despite it not being a Cancer) the hospital advised it would be treated like a cancer and a treatment plan has been put into place... I delicately share this very personal experience with you, because my beautiful girl is now fighting something we all call the Beast... The tumour is an aggressive ‘Fibromatosis Desmoid Tumour’ a rare tumour, that is hell bent on staying. It clones itself in an attempt to protect her from an injury she received in 2009... Resulting in scar tissue which has gone out of control and DNA’s become involved... Throughout this nightmare journey, she’s been brave, strong and dignified and because of her own research, she came into contact with a page on facebook called http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/desmoidtumorRF/ On the day she found this group I’ll never forget the relief in her voice as she said, “Mum I’ve found others with my condition”... I wont discuss statistics, but just to say, this is a rare tumour... I’m not a professional or a person with medical knowledge, I’m a really scared mum who half the time feels completely lost, due to the past few years of groping around in the dark, frantically trying at times to make it better for my girl...

However along the way I have learned the Dr’s, consultants and Specialists etc. have different viewpoints, but they all seem to agree on one thing, unfortunately it’s a lifelong condition and something no one seems to know very much about... The Fibromatosis Desmoid Tumour group gain strength and support from one another, we all keep in contact, helping one another in as many ways as we can... but we desperately need your help, support and a positive connection, which, is one of the reasons why I and others communicate incessantly through Twitter & facebook to get the message out, to raise awareness as well as fundraise for research, a much needed cure and as many treatments as necessary... A ‘Fun Run’ called ‘Running for Answers ‘ has been organised by Desmoid Tumour Research Foundation which is based in America.

Anyone can go to the link (below) quickly and easily, donate as little or as much as you like... As well as this being a personal account it also asks graciously, if you could help ~ I more than anyone knows the state of some finances in households right across the globe, but if you can't donate please dont worry, instead, help spread awareness so that this condition gets the recognition and support that it rightly deserves... We regularly tweet about it on Twitter.... @Fibromatosis & @angeljane01

Here’s the link if you wish to DONATE... http://www.active.com/donate/rfa2011/itcanhappen2u2 every single donation goes directly to (Desmoid Tumour Research Foundation)
I pray hard that someone, somewhere will one day be able to help us get-rid of this awful condition and loved ones will be saved from aches, pain, discomfort and the uncertainty they face each and every day...

Obviously we would like to collect more but The goal: $1000 ~ To date we are 61% towards that goal... Can you please help?

If you’d like to know more: http://www.dtrf.org/dtrf_thefoundation.htm

Angel and the gang Thank you :)

Maltese Chronicles 2010... Part 6

2011-07-31T21:07:00.005+01:00

Thursday 02-12-10

Another day in paradise!

Hazy heat beat down as we sat waiting for our coach. Today we’re going to Gozo ~ a beautiful, dramatic Island. An excursion... we’ve looked forward to this since our arrival in Malta.

As we Waited for our beautiful, luxurious, air conditioned coach; you can imagine our absolute disappointment when a clapped out, white transit van pulls up outside our rather posh hotel....

“Well girls” Miranda crowed “you get what you bloody well pay for”

The four of us crept onto the van in a muted silence, hoping sincerely, that no one would see us.

Sitting to quickly, all four urgently pull out huge sunglasses, then gently, we disappear into well worn stained seats as we pull sunhats around our faces.

“Who the hell told us to come with this shit company” Samantha hissed.

“You Samantha, you” we all seethed.

“Come on guys, it will be fine” Charlotte ever the peacemaker, smiled.

On the ferry, we relax, order drinks and chill. We step off where we’re quickly ushered along to meet our designated Tourist Guide.

Standing in the Queue...

“Maybe he’ll be handsome or better still maybe he’ll be handsome and available” I laugh towards Samantha

“He better be, I’m getting desperate now”

“Oh no” whispered Miranda, “not another transit van”

“Hello, I’m Michael your guide for today”

Samantha’s mouth drops open ~ Miranda, Charlotte and I giggle ~ she really is desperate!

Michael who by the way is built like the back end of a bus, black spiky hair, brown eyes that seem to be focused but aren’t.

Once we’re seated in the van, Michael gets himself into the driving seat, we all screech as the back end of the van rises...

“Oh my god how much does he weigh” cries Charlotte. We all look around nervously. I have a feeling this is not going to be the excursion we were so looking forward to.

On our way at last, we drive through amazing scenery and to our delightful surprise, Michael turns out to be a brilliant, well informed tour guide, he definitely knows the island, its history and his information is coming across as interesting.

During our first stop, Samantha asks him to take some photos of us as a group. The views breathtaking and as Michael is taking a picture, Samantha’s now well known phrase echo’s around the mountains...

“Michael... have you got a girlfriend?”

“Yes I have a wife and 10 kids” Michael beams

“Oh my good god” she gasps.

The three of us double over in stitches, laughing at the shock across her face.

I looked at Michael and smiled, he couldn’t have said anything better, he then looks in my direction and as if he knew what I was thinking, he winks mischievously; this of course makes me laugh harder... I knew he’d told a porky, serves her right I thought, serves her bloody well right.

Half way through our day... a day which was turning out to be wonderful, Michael drops us off in a lovely, sleepy town, so that we can lunch and shop for a few hours. The sights and sounds feel wonderful.... we order lunch knowing we’re going to go shopping to grab a bargain and if we have time we’re going to pay a visit to a fancy castle.

We arrive back approximately 5pm – the four of us decide to walk back to the hotel. On our way back we discover a fabulous street which for those of you who are old enough to remember, reminds me of the age old programme, the streets of San Francisco. As we walk along, a man waves at us and shout “Yahoo, yahoo” surprised, we look at one another.

“Is he talking to us?”

We all turn back to see if he’s waving to someone behind us because, now he’s shouting too.

“Is he waving at you or us?” I enquire to a young girl behind us.

“It’s my uncle” she giggles “but listen he is probably talking to you”

As we walk by, Samantha looks back receiving a very sexy wink.

“Down tiger” Miranda growls...

Laughing, we hurry to get back to the hotel so that we can ready ourselves for another evening of food, drink and dance. we also want to chat about our last evening together on the beautiful Maltese Island... We’d already decided to go in fancy dress... I was to be a carnival queen, Miranda a bunny girl, Charlotte little red riding hood and Samantha as usual had us in hysterics, she told us she’d decided she was going as an airline pilot...

Friday, our last night... was going to be a lot more than interesting, but one thing was for sure, we all need an early nite to prepare for hopefully a wonderful last evening together.

Juliana The Dancer...

2011-07-17T22:16:00.018+01:00

Juliana the Dancer is a beautiful, fun-loving girl. She's completely unaware that there is much to be frightened of but, life is wonderful and living is fun! Until one terrible night, she leaves herself vulnerable and wide open to attack from an unsavoury character who has vowed to kill her........

Mist rolled quickly down the hill around her, she was very soon enveloped in an eerie, unfamiliar cloak … It was only when she felt it’s icy, penetration from within, that she began to shiver uncontrollably. Horrendously, she began recalling what had happened... Shaking her aching head, listening to sinister sounds through pitch blackness, she started to crawl tentatively along the edge of the hill, despite her injuries, she was mindful to stay close to the ground, just in case he returned. Hot tears squeezed through bruised, swollen eyelids, her tongue felt like a brick, swollen and dry it was stuck firmly to the roof of her mouth. Juliana panted because she could hardly breathe. The taste of blood made her feel sick.

She heard an unusual noise which stopped her in her tracks; listening as hard as she could she felt the fear of god knows what... Terrified she stifled a cry, biting down on her lower lip she tasted fresh blood, pushing herself deeper into the sludgy, slimy mud she almost screamed as she felt him breeze past like a puff of wind and that’s when she smelt a vile, familiar odour, her mind rigged flashbacks as she remembered with clarity the previous few hours... clearly as if she’d turned the TV on she started seeing the vicious attack. Oh my god, she realised with icy terror, he’s returned to finish the job.

In the pitch of darkness her senses alive, her mind a luminous machine, savagely detecting, searching the immediate vicinity for danger. Then she heard his malevolence whisper,
“You may hide, but, you will never escape, as long as there is blood in my veins and breath in my body I will find you my beauty, I will find you and I will kill you”
Momentarily, her senses arrested from the fresh wave of adrenalin. He was near, very near, his footsteps, told her he was uncertain... his steps nervously went to the left, then to the right. She knew he wasn’t sure about anything except his own fear, he was panic stricken. Her new luminous mind machine sensed a tidal wave of air from the left; a heavy steel knife hit her hard... he started to run, he ran like the wind.

Lying motionless Juliana’s breath came in quick painful jerks, her heart hammered, sore, swollen eyes now closed shut from the vicious assault. Seeing through tender slits was nigh-on-impossible, especially in the dark and right now being alone, was not what she wanted. Her focus, to escape but, only once she was sure he’d gone. Juliana lay quiet a little longer as she held on tightly to the heavy knife he’d thrown just before he scampered off like a wild animal.

Juliana wasn’t sure how long she’d lay in the deep, wet mud, but she knew it was time to make a move. From her photographic memory, all sorts of information had been retrieved. Slowly but surely, she realised what’d happened. Seeing the bigger picture made her realise it had definitely been an incident waiting to happen.

Juliana was a rising star, an up and coming dancer. A young lady going places and sadly you know what can sometimes happen to happy go lucky, carefree, spirited characters... unfortunately they can occasionally pick up insecure, loose cannons. At this terrible moment in time, Juliana became conscious that she’d fallen prey to a dangerous stalker.

Still weeping and shivering she commenced crawling, lifting her head a little at a time. She had no idea where she was, she was cold and the mist still hung low for as far as she was able to see which wasn't ar in the darkness...

Crawling in the clinging mud, her mind drifted off to earlier in the day... Juliana had been out for the evening for a friend’s birthday tea, a few drinks and an amazing time later she called a taxi. Juliana’s carefree smile washed over the taxi driver as she paid him. Then strolling the short distance towards her front door whilst at the same time she leisurely searched her handbag for the door key... beautiful Julianna completely unaware that there was an evil entity lurking in the shadows, waiting...waiting, to pounce.

Juliana didn’t stand a chance. He hit her over the head with his trusty rounder’s bat, expertly bundled her hurt and bleeding into the back of his dirty old van, her loose, lifeless body, bounced around as he drove at breakneck speed towards the dark, inviting countryside. His deed done, he’d show her... he’d warned her... several times, but they never listen!

His van raced at 100miles an hour, raced like his manic brain, when he heard her groan from the back.

Infuriated, he slammed to a stop, doused the lights and then shot to the back of the van, a pure black hatred in his eyes... surveying his position In a farmer’s field which was closely surrounded by forever rolling hills, he threw open the van doors dragging her viciously by the hair. No respect shown, he was all consumed by a dark red hatred of her for not giving him some special attention. He was going to make her pay...

He continued dragging her and as she woke from out of her unconsciousness, he savagely kicked out catching her eye. The pain red-hot seared through her head, blood spurted from her left eye, she screamed a high pitch terror-filled scream which caused him to stop, he dragged her to her feet punching her in the face, his hope, to knock her out... No room for screams, no room for noise, not even in this wide open wilderness.

His idea didn’t work she screamed again so, he knew he’d have to shut her up. Efficiently he drew the glinting, heavy, stainless steel blade from out of his jacket pocket, and then sickeningly he hit her with the full force of its thick mother of pearl handle, more blood oozed copiously, through beautiful blonde hair. Silence...

Sighing heavily, he commenced dragging her roughly across dirty wet grass. He visibly flinched as he caught sight of lights from another vehicle driving towards him or at least that’s what it looked like. He ran faster dragging her towards the bottom of the hill. She was heavy, so, he threw her lifeless body into the bracken as he ran towards his van. With lights off, he drove in the opposite direction from the oncoming vehicle.

By this time the mist was much thicker and swirled hard around everything it stroked.

Sometime later Juliana found herself stood upright. Hands frozen she frighteningly whimpered as she could not feel her feet. There was a rigid terror to her very core; standing like a poker she prayed he wouldn't return. She needed to get help but her handbag had gone. Looking around, she couldn’t see any lights, not even road lights.

To Be Continued...

Life is for Living...

2011-07-16T18:08:00.003+01:00

This week I’ve had major dilemmas, important thoughts and the occasional idea. On more than one occasion I found myself concentrating long and hard about a saying I’d heard many times ‘Life is for living’ this week I discovered that to be very true ~ my weeks had many priorities and I’m relieved to report, I managed to accomplish everything I set out to do... even my beloved writing which, as you know these days it's a flippin miracle if I get the luxury of sitting down to tap, tap, tap away... However the good news with this long standing issue is that, I feel closer than ever to seeing my dream materialise.

Right where was I? Oh yes, ‘Life is for living’ throughout the week I clearly saw that if you present to the world as a happy, smiley person who loves everything and everybody, then feedback is immediate and overwhelmingly positive. If however you’re sad, down and not presenting as that happy little person who has the world at their feet then on more occasions than not, you’re on your own and unfortunately, you’ve simply got to get on with it... Long ago, I discovered it was easier to be the actress, pretend the world’s alright... bury your problems including sadness and yes, even loneliness because I realised if I was the me with issues, then I felt I wasn’t acceptable, I found myself pretending to be popular, the person who’d got the world at her feet... Of course it was usually play acting but throughout time, I realised if I pretended then sometimes even I believed.

I also discovered it wasn’t actually a bad thing to pretend, because more often than not I ended up helping to heal myself without making any demands on other individuals... who quite possibly had their own nightmares going on... This in turn helped me to help others as I ended up becoming quite a sensor for other people’s hidden hurts, I seemed to lock into their difficulties and sense their challenges... The miracle for me has been when helping others, it’s magically helped me and as well as being a huge learning curve I’ve also grown to understand why life really is for living.

We may go through life learning much. Each person seems to have their own fair share of challenges, good or bad. For my family and I the past two years have been particularly challenging. On reflection, if I thought the stuff I went through as a child was tough, then I had no real understanding of how hard it was going to get. I have also gratefully discovered how beautiful life can be and how simply wonderful it is to hold family and friends in ones heart and know always, it's your job to be the best you can be...

I always find myself saying, I’m not perfect, I’ve made mistakes, but, I’ve also learnt so much too which is thankfully ongoing. I have weaknesses, I have strengths, all of which are totally important and relevant to life experience.

Recently I described myself, as deep as the ocean and as high as the sky but always, always accessible. As I’ve become older, I know beyond any shadow of doubt, I’ve become wiser and with that knowledge, I feel a deep warmth which protectively wraps around all my senses, when those are protected, I feel secure and I know I can do so much...

Angel looks to her beautiful girls drawing them in close, she spreads her wings to wrap them in her profound, protective love and light...

Family, Friends & Freedom

2011-07-04T17:27:00.003+01:00

Over the past few months I’ve had my own fair share of thoughts; it would appear that I’ve become one of life’s thinkers! It’s also well documented how much I love to write. I enjoy the freedom of words and thoughts, which one way or another ensure magically they come from the top of my head and on the odd occasion from behind my ribcage. Today I thought about a very special file I hold on my desktop... Its label clearly states ‘Inspirational pictures’ Since 2009 I have carefully collected beautiful pictures, mostly motivational, that I’ve occasionally stumbled across whilst researching articles.

Sometime ago I collected the picture above, I instinctively recognised that one day I’d want to use it just to get a special message across to family and friends... letting them know, I love them and to possibly say a big fat sorry if I’ve ever been a pain in the ass... It’s terribly important to acknowledge the fact and let people know you really are sorry if you’ve upset or ignored them or even just not seen their pain or suffering.

I know sometimes we can all get thoroughly consumed within our own lives, our own difficulties, that we somehow miss important signs, especially from family and friends who maybe not so great at stepping up and saying, “Hey this is happening to me”... “I’m not coping, I need you and I need your help” Instead regrettably, it can go unnoticed until something drastic happens and then it can be too little to late or, you do help but sadly it’s rushed. Being realistic, that unfortunately can be the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. However, it doesn’t mean you’re less of a friend, just means sometimes... you have you own stuff to contend with...

Me personally, I‘m one heck of a lucky lady... the internet, social networking websites and my forever disappearing mobile phone, has brought to me, a wealth of contact and communication... I think I would cease to be if I could not communicate. Sometimes just sometimes, I wonder whether I'm guilty of communicating too much and possibly waffling on a bit too long... but, hey that’s part and parcel of someone’s personality, if you’re in the company of family and friends then it’s absolutely A-ok!

So my dear bloggers, if you’re reading this and you’re in my family or you’re my friend, then I want you to know I don’t often say it but, I love you. If you’re a stranger reading this, then I sincerely hope you got something from my ramblings, because I always manage to get something meaningful from sharing them...

Angel turns to look where her last impatient thought went as she lazily stretches her wings high up towards the heavens...

At last I see the light...

2011-06-10T18:47:00.009+01:00

I can hardly believe it’s been March since I last wrote anything... My life seems to have been taken up with so many things, some wonderful, some not so wonderful, but the biggest issue within all of that has been ‘TIME’...

Not having enough time to deal with life in general has been the biggest problem... I’ve opened a business, been blessed with a beautiful granddaughter, supported my family, planned our wedding and worked two full-time jobs. To be honest, there have been times when I thought... please god, send more hours ~ simply because, there’s just so much to do. Now, here we are!

Securely in June 2011 ~ I feel the pressure is off ... You all know I love to write, it’s a passion. For me it burns, heals and magically relieves and releases immeasurable thoughts with substantial ideas. Its thoughts which help me to focus on the here and now and very importantly, the future!

I’m right in saying that I’m an open individual but maybe, not as open as some of you may think... There are many things I’d like to talk about but, many things I won’t... For now at least, I’ll simply say, I’ve missed sharing words with you, expressing chosen sentiments within sentences and as my title above suggests... ‘I see bright light at the end of my tunnel’ I’m sure the message was ~ that for a while, I was needed elsewhere! The one thing I know for sure is that right now my job is far from over, but, I will juggle as I’ve done all my life to be where I must be and I purposefully know, I’ll stay true to all, especially myself.

During the past 2 years within the silence of my mind... I have begged, prayed, screamed, whispered, played, slept, cried, ached and leaned heavily on my thoughts. So, although not everything will be shared in this unpredictable future, I will somehow endeavour to portray my essence on the wings of my words. Anyway, who said I have to make perfect sense, Ha, I suspect in the past I have absolutely not! ;-)

It’s worth saying that I’m deeply thankful for any opportunity to share and care... I know with each and every beautiful and not so beautiful day, I will always try very hard to retain the humour, life and characteristic positivity which I so deeply want to represent in my world, especially when sharing it with you.

Angel gently shakes her wings, watching as tiny wisp like feathers drift off to where they need to go...

What Dreams May Come

2011-03-05T09:45:00.007Z

Talk about good old curiosity and feel good factor... well that's what I experienced when I watched this small clip from what looks to be an amazing film. I was really surprised when I saw the 1998 release date... If like me you've never heard of it, I'm including a small synopsis from, Scott Huntsman the Movie Guru...

"Chris Neilson dies to find him-self in a heaven more amazing than he could have ever dreamed of. There is one thing missing: his wife. After he dies, his wife, Annie killed herself and went to hell. Chris decides to risk eternity in Hades for the small chance that he will be able to bring her back to heaven."

If you fancy it and manage to get a copy, let me know what you think!

The Maltese Chronicles Part 5...

2011-02-13T20:24:00.006Z

Wednesday 1^st December 2010

Another bright, beautiful, breezy day... made for relaxing in the company of Angels. Five of us to be exact! You could say five sultry women on the crest of an adventurous wave...

This morning we’re meeting in the Health Spa. Should be good!! I couldn’t help but look forward to de-stressing in therapeutic waters; mineralised with unknown magic to help soothe tired, aching muscles which would hopefully caress sun drenched skin... sounds like pure heaven!

Forty five minutes later found the five of us sitting in a loose circle, bottoms placed firmly on bucket like seats which nestled upon shelves built into the pool of the Jacuzzi, these shelves buried beneath vicious bubbling water. Long haired Angels had their hair piled up high on top. Short haired Angels had wet theirs and swept it back giving them the wet look...

“So my friends, what shall we talk about today” Selina joked.

“Something disgustingly juicy” Samantha giggled.

“Well, if anyone knows Juicy, you do” Charlotte smiled sweetly.

“This isn’t entirely true” Samantha shot back as she looked in my direction.

Taken aback I raised my tone so she could hear it then sank deeper into the luxury of my bubbles.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I threw.

Four pairs of expectant eyes focused on me. Samantha laughed louder than necessary.

“Oh Carrie, I think you know exactly what I mean”

Four pairs of eyes burned brighter.

“I think your moving the focus from yourself to me, just, so you don’t have to start a conversation.”

Steam rising; I witnessed frustration bubble in Samantha's persona... Oh boy, did I know what buttons to press.

“Aha, so you would like me to start this juicy gossip session? Ok then here’s some juice for you, last night I didn’t sleep in my bed”

Samantha got the reaction she wanted.

Gasps of disbelief rose from the Jacuzzi like steam from a boiling kettle.

“No way Samantha, no way” I cried knowing she was faking it.

“Your fibbing, I saw you to your room myself”

“Yes and when you left I made a little late night call of my own to one sexy horny young man” with a look of pleasure etched on her damp face she added

“He was absolutely begging for it, I had no choice”

A silence descended with exception of noisy cascading bubbles, the place was as quiet as a church.

“Yeah, whatever, we believe her don’t we girls?” I laughed.

No response except for an overwhelming scent of lavender which completely invaded my senses.

“I actually believe her” whispered Miranda.

“Are you serious?” I spluttered.

“Yep” giggled Samantha.

“You’re outrageous Samantha Jones” I chided.

“Why am I? We’re all adults” Sam continued

“Never mind that, tell us the juicy bits” said Selina.

With the lavender getting stronger and the bubbles sounding louder Samantha began.

“Well, Mr Young Blood knocked on my door, I thought Carrie had forgotten something or maybe she was checking up on me” Sam stopped to bath her face in the over warm water.

“Go on, go on” pushed Charlotte.

“Anyway, imagine my surprise when my gorgeous Italian stallion stood tall outside my door, he leaned against the door frame, smiling – his arms crossed, then, he reached out to me and before I could help myself, he was kissing me passionately, I tell you girls I bloody swooned, then he pushed himself against me believe you me I knew what he wanted. Grabbing a dressing gown I shut my door and I allowed this gorgeous man to pull me towards his room”

Samantha went quiet... It was obvious she was back in time with her thoughts.

“Hey don’t stop there” shouted Miranda.

“Back in his room he took me through to the bathroom, candles shimmered, I knew then and there it was premeditated. He ran the bath taps pouring something wonderful and delicious into the rushing water. He was eager, but I wanted to take my time so, I shushed him. Without warning he pinned me up against the bathroom wall, dear god he was an amazing kisser.”

“Ha, yeah whatever, I think your full of baloney” I screeched laughing.

Ignoring me completely Samantha continued.

“We started slowly undressing each other, he lifted me naked, laying me down in the bath. Stepping in he knelt in-between my legs slowly lying on top of me, He placed a thousand kisses across every inch of my face, neck and body. I tell you ladies I was delirious, I wanted him more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my whole damn life.

Again the faraway look of pure pleasure was visible for all to see.

“Right Samantha, I’m going to make sure you get a golden globe award for this”

I was wasting my time; Samantha was too wrapped up in her sensual adventure. I Looked around I could clearly see the others were too.

“He started to massage me – girls it was insane, 2.00am and I was in a young man’s bath, next, he stood up his body totally amazing, every muscle rippled and became emphasised by dripping water. Reaching down he pulled me up, then gently he pushed me into the wall, pressing his lips hard onto mine, he roughly pushed my arms up high above my head, grabbed my hands tighter stretching me out in a star sign shape – My heart beat a trio of drums, I knew the time was just right, I needed him, this is what I'd been waiting for. I grabbed him good and hard we became locked in a passionate kissing frenzy”

“Sa-man-tha” I butted in sharply.

“I cannot believe you left your room and went off with a guy you didn’t even know”

I huffed and puffed, stopping in my heated bubble water as I witnessed several other women moving in closer towards our Jacuzzi, but, alas it was too late... Samantha proceeded.

Eight pairs of eyes were on Samantha now... she was oblivious as she appeared to be on planet cuckoo.

“Go on Sam” Selina encouraged.

“He wrapped me in a fluffy hotel towel as he kissed and stroked me. He lifted me up and walked towards the bed – he lay besides me. I don’t mind saying I was tingling all over, I tell you this guy was electric. He pulled away my towel completely exposing me – my goose-bumps danced in his direction. I felt his heat, more kisses planted this time across my breasts, I grabbed him absolutely frantic then I heard an annoying persistent ring which got louder and louder”

“What was it?” Charlotte whispered.

“It was my bloody alarm clock!?!”

The realisation pounded within my chest as I realised, she’d been dreaming.

“OMG – you were dreaming, fan-bloody-tastic” I cried “Love it”

“Me too” declared Samantha stubbornly “Because now Carrie dearest, I know what I must do”

Lifting my eyes towards the heavens all I could do was I smile.

By now though everyone was laughing, Samantha had given us juice alright but, right then and there I knew she was determined to see her dream become a reality. The rest of the spa session was spent asking open questions, intimate questions about past lovers... the best, the worst, how many, each of us appeared greedy to find out more and more.

The conversation went from happy to sad from funny to lively... talk about bonding, we Angels bonded on a much deeper level. The energy from the space and spa, penetrated our thoughts whilst the water wrinkled our skin. Trust pushed within the group and the fun returned, even Samantha was laughing her heart out as she pushed herself out of the warm bubbling lavender water.

Drying ourselves, I looked over to the girls...

“Hey you guys, love ya lots” I winked.

“Ditto Carrie Brad-shaw, ditto" they squealed.

The rest of Wednesday was spent having fun times and dancing with the strictly come dancing team, who we decided needed to come home with us to England and although the team agreed, they further decided they'd much rather take us home with them, as England was having the worst weather in its history... with heavy snows that had apparently brought the country to a complete and utter standstill...

That evening when Mr Young Blood walked into the busy bar with his dippy mates, there wasn’t an Angel in the house who could look him in the face... except of course for our beautiful smutty Samantha Jones.

The Maltese Chronicle 2010 Part 4...

2011-02-05T15:36:00.016Z

Tuesday 30/11/10...

Warm sunshiny days followed by super cool evenings found us wanting more and more. Each new day promised welcome experiences usually wrapped with mountainous volumes of laughter. Today though my brain screams ‘Retail Therapy’

Tuesday already! After breakfast we find ourselves at the hotels reception, luxurious spa treatments booked... Then it was time to Shop, shop, shop, till ya drop, drop, drop ... along the way we book our planned day trip to Gozo. Tuesday’s turning out to be a day of decisions and being super duper organised. Continuing on our shopping trip we giggle, tell jokes and talk about plans for the evening. After much discussion we wonder whether we should give the strictly come dancing team a miss. It’s unanimously decided that we’d go in search of different entertainment in the beautiful town of Sliema... Later that day, I was amazed to discover just how many disappointed faces there were when they realise, we’re going out and about for the evening.

As we glow from lots of sun, sea and relaxation we make our way to dine in one of the many extensive restaurants situated within the hotel. A beautiful evening meal followed lusciously with many glasses of magic juice, we trot off on our journey through the darkness in search of pastures new... Now if I tell you we walked for an hour and fifteen minutes without finding one single pub, you’d be forgiven for not believing me... loads of restaurants but, not one sound of music or laughter hits us as we roam through the beautiful old town. Off the beaten track at last we find one nestled on the corner, we also scarily observe a few dodgy looking people outside leaning against the old building, watching as we approach... talk about feeling uncomfortable. However, our shoes were pinching so in we went... the tiny pub held a huge, plasma TV. Approximately eight people stood around the tiny bar watching football. All eyes turn in our direction... there’s a hunger within their eyes, as if they’ve never seen a female before.

The barman bright and friendly politely asks,

“What can I get you ladies?”

Drinks ordered I hear Miranda whisper,

“If he touches me one more time, they’ll be trouble”

Needless to say we didn’t stay long...

I had to laugh as we left the rough establishment, because even though I know we’re totally lost, our shoes are killing us, we are god knows where in the dark... all of a sudden, the old fogies ball didn’t look quite so bad.

“Shall we get back and dance our butts off?” I announce brighter than I felt,

"Yes" came three very tired replies.

Landing back in the hotel, Friendly faces glow as yells and whistles went up. Toe-tapping music blares as we walk through those familiar double doors to the warm welcome of the bar... If truth be known, It definitely feels like we've come home.

“I thought you were out to venture to livelier places” Selina grins,

“Let’s just say we couldn’t find any decent pubs” I winked.

“Great stuff” smiles Selina.

“Who’s the captain?” I nod towards a small, white-haired guy who fast approaches.

“Oh this is Charlie, I’ll introduce you”

“Charlie this is Carrie Brad-Shaw, she’s a writer”

Charlie took my hand eagerly, kissed it gently... as he did, I felt myself spin strangely back through time. My senses told me as a young man Charlie was in the RAF, I could see him so clearly as he stood so proud, so very handsome; tears prick my eyes because, I know he’s one of the good guys.

“Hello Charlie, so pleased to meet you” I beam.

Wow I thought, a real English gentleman... I later discover, Charlie is a fabulous 90years young. For the rest of the week, Charlie takes to joining us whenever he can.

It was on this evening we confirmed to friends, that we’d decided to hold a fancy dress party on Friday, our last night... the news spread through the bar pretty fast.

“Yes” I confirm for the umpteenth time, “We’ll all be wearing outfits, each outfit will hopefully make you smile”

Still deep in conversation about the forthcoming Fancy dress night, who should walk in? Yep, you guessed it, Mr Young-Blood and his mates. The chemistry so visible... I watch with wonder as the little blue bolts of lightning fly between Samantha and her stud.

In the last chronicle if you remember, I said ‘we’d be in trouble’ the comment was said with a sort of tongue in cheek attitude... If you knew Samantha, you’d know, she was more than capable of looking after all of us put together, but it was our opinion, not with a bottle and half of wine inside her.

I’m sure you will understand when I tell you, my actions were of a protective friend... after her discreet disappearance my protective senses are alerted. I decide to search the vicinity, just to make sure she's ok... at the same time, I felt a little upset that she’d not disclosed she was going. On the gorgeous terrace which is totally surrounded florally, by potted palm trees and exotic flowers, a vivid colourful display which genuinely took your breath away. I scan the perimeter but, see nothing, apart from the shimmer of the sea, lit so romantically by a gigantic silver moon. Pausing just for a second, I wonder warmly if my own Mr Big is missing me.

Giggles alert me. From within the darkness of a shadowy doorway I hear the unmistakeable sound of sloppy kisses mixed with heavy breathing. From out of the dark doorway, I see Samantha’s bright red shoe, confirming it was definitely her. Smiling, I sit down quietly, cross my arms and wait. Samantha and her young man are engulfed in the throes of passion. Eventually they fall into the light, it’s then Mr Young-Blood jumps in surprise...I witness his overwhelming embarrassment, he makes a quick exit.

Samantha also surprised by my presence asks a little to sharply,

“What the hell are you doing?”

“I’m looking out for my friend” I state firmly.

“I’m doing ok thank you very much, or I was”

“I can see that, I’m making sure you stay that way”

With hands firmly on her hips she stamps her foot and hiccup’s.

“Your cramping my style Carrie, cramping it big-time, I was doing ok then”

“You’ll thank me tomorrow”

With that sentence hanging in the air between us Samantha stomps off to the bar like a two year old.

Back with the girls and feeling much more relaxed I order more drinks. Looking around, Mr. Youngblood and his mates had thankfully disappeared.

Samantha didn’t scowl for long, five minutes later we were dancing with our Jerry’s.

I hear Samantha giggle and watch as she seeks-out her next victim.

Maltese Chronicles 2010 Part 3...

2011-01-22T12:28:00.007Z

The busyness of life and its commitments very often dictates the availability one has to do the things they particularly enjoy... working full time and trying to find any time to write for me is usually a chore, this is the reason I’m working on a solution. Although I’m not a well renowned author who’s wrote a vast array of books, I know deeply that I don’t get any less happiness, from writing the bits that I do get time for... Would be nice though to sit each morning knowing I have the luxury of time to write those hidden gems that hide within the creative side of my brain.... So without further ado, I’ll proceed with hopefully another interesting chronicle about 4 ladies let loose to discover their own journey which they willingly share. This is based on a true story of fact, fiction and fantasy. As usual real names hidden, but personally visualised on four females from the well known, much loved ‘Sex in the city’ saga. Carrie Bradshaw... Samantha Jones... Miranda Hobbs... Charlotte York also starring the added 5^th Angel ‘Selina’

Monday 29^th November 2010.

Another glorious sunny day... rays of white, warm, sunshine penetrate enormous dining room windows. The four of us hurry through into the dining room. The savoury smell from breakfast invades the senses. We hear a hundred happy shouts of ‘good morning girls’ which makes us smile more. After a hearty breakfast, infused with further chatter around our breakfast table, we decide unanimously to explore surroundings. Our departure from the dining room was not dissimilar to our entrance we knew the jerry’s (geriatrics) loved us and in a rather strange turn of events, we were beginning to love them too... much to Samantha’s surprised disbelief.

Walking through the busy little town of Sliema with its ancient buildings mixed with modern architecture, I was not alone in noticing the traffic was mad, mad, mad... Driving in Malta, one could see you needed nerves of steel. I wasn’t actually sure how anyone could drive at all with all the beautiful breathtaking views around. The people on the streets were friendly albeit in an aloof kind of way, if that’s possible. Several hours later on our way back to the hotel, we decided to stop for lunch... now I have to admit this wasn’t the best eating place we’d seen but we decided to stop, sit and order. It was whilst we were waiting for much needed drinks we howled with laughter. I’d noticed during our few days together, it seemed that we’d started to christen everyone on our travels with look a-like names and corresponding personalities... Our latest victim was the owner who’d taken our orders... ‘Cruella deville’... Our meals came. The shock must have been obvious on all our faces as we stared down at what had been put in front of us... I stammered asking for sauces, without a sound Cruella left and returned with the worst looking sauce bottles I ‘d ever seen in my life... I can honestly say, I think that’s the only time I’ve known my girls and I to be stunned into silence. It was Samantha who broke the stillness by stating categorically, neither of us would return to E-Coli Cafe ever again... I further quipped in I think her sauce bottles need to be retrieved and immediately examined by the Maltese equivalent of environmental health. I tell you this, even the disappointment of our meal didn’t stop us from laughing and it was then we realised we should have taken the hint, an empty cafe with a member of staff like Cruella should really have spoken volumes.

Despite our dodgy trip to E-Coli Cafe, Monday turned out to be another wonderful day, we sunbathed the afternoon way, reading our books and magazines... returning to our individual boudoirs to glam up for another night with our Jerry’s. It was a great evening at the old fogies ball, with more friends met and made and together we hilariously shook our butts off... we shook, we rattled and we rolled.

I’d noticed an elderly lady sitting quite close to the stage, her feet tapping to the beat of the music when Samantha a bit too eagerly, strutted her stuff a little too close to the old lady almost dancing clumsily onto her feet, when the lady briskly pushed her away, asking her to be careful as she’d had an operation on her foot... Samantha apologised sheepishly, moving away just as another new beat started up, without further ado the old dear jumped up from her chair and danced at a pace I would have associated with someone half her age, Samantha thinking the lady wanted to dance with her put her hand out, only to be brushed away and danced around...

Samantha’s exasperated, lifted her eyes towards the heavens,

“Bloody hell her foot soon healed” and she strode off to the bar.

On reflection I believe as a group we also learned something from our new friends... The strictly come dancing team were made up of many people all ages (mostly retired) they were also from all over the world and had their own individual identifiable characters... we noticed some smiled when they danced and other looked like they were made of stone, others appeared frozen in time. Many were married and still retained that magic witnessed throughout time. We girls were mesmerised but, however much we enjoyed our time with our Jerry’s, we realised it was time we went out into the locality and search for other places of entertainment.

We were just buying another round when a group of guys walked in I smiled mentally as I watched Samantha go into man alert mode... her whole persona changed as she singled out her target... he walked past her smiled and stopped... my own antennas alerted to protector switched to search, scan and locate possible specific idiots... I eyeballed Charlotte, Miranda and Selina... they all visually materialised from the shadows, as if we were connected to some amazing hidden communicator. With eye movements of the most discreet kind, I was able to gather the girls so we could keep an eye on Samantha and the young man she was talking to.

My god she was well into her role and flirting perfectly, despite his height he must have been 6ft 3” I could see she was managing to maintain eye contact, little touches on his arm, staring up at his face as if he was the only guy in the world... licking her lips as his mates smiled and left to go to the bar, it was then I realised she was doing an awful lot of arm movements and over acting... I approached with caution, he smiled, and I asked if she was ok.

“Oh yes, I’m great” she said sarcastically.

“What is it?” I said confused.

“It’s him; this, this gorgeous creature, can’t bloody speak a word of English”

I looked at him then looked at her, my smile widened as I realised... Aha if they can’t communicate she won’t be getting into any trouble... I would later eat those words!!!

“Ok Samantha come on, let’s go and join the girls” I offered.

“Yes, ok two seconds”

I walked over to the bar to join the girls and told them immediately of Samantha’s plight.

I have to say as we continued to watch it didn’t stop her from attempting to communicate and when she knew she was wasting her time she still didn’t give up; she went over to his friends and asked them to interpret, but sadly, their English was almost as bad as his...so you can imagine, we had a brilliant time watching her try her best at finding a solution to her problem.

Eventually the new guys left and despite the lack of understanding between the tall young man and Samantha, it was evident chemistry was pulsating between them. Going through the double doors from the bar he turned... I watched and witnessed an electric current flash between them... In slow motion Samantha turned to look at me; it was then and there I knew... OMG, we’re in big trouble.

The 2010 Maltese chronicles. Part 2...

2010-12-21T14:01:00.018Z

Before I commence the 2^nd part of the long awaited chronicle, I sincerely hope you don’t mind if I make a rather special request...Please allow me to make an APOLOGY... just in case I inadvertently offend anyone with either my use of fact, fiction or fantasy or the colourful way I use rich dictation. During this particular week, I became accustomed to hearing as well as seeing some multi-coloured use of language, ideas and mannerisms etc. Please remember, this has been written with ‘FUN’ in mind and is not how we would normally behave... ‘Any resemblance to anyone living, dead or stuffed is purely coincidental’... Signed: The Angels and yes, we really did meet our Charlie but hey that’s another story!!!

For those of you just joining me, this is a brief narrative of one week away In ‘Sliema Malta’ and how it magically turned into a wonderfully, captivating journey for four women let loose to discover their own delightful inner charm which they more than willingly shared. This is based on a true story of fact, fiction and fantasy. Real names hidden, but vibrantly based on four females from the well known, much loved ‘Sex in the city’ saga. Carrie Bradshaw... Samantha Jones... Miranda Hobbs... Charlotte York. But wait there’s a 5^th to be added ‘Selina’ who I’ll introduce to you a little later!

Now where was I? Oh yes... my mind spins back to Sunday 28^th November 2010...

Sunday got off to a great start with an early breakfast and the meeting of some wonderful hotel staff... Breakfast, a buffet style affair in a pristine dining room, overlooked a beautiful terraced garden. One of the first members of staff who attracted our attention must have been 7ft tall, a string-like individual who initially had a most serious face so much so... I was sure that with just one glance, he’d freeze us instantly. Let me tell you this, his sour face didn’t last two minutes... before the clock started ticking he was eating out of our hands... he smiled and bowed to us as we pointed and smiled back.

Samantha, never being one to hold back, directly asked him... Did he have a girlfriend? And had his mother left him in a grow bag? Well, you can imagine the laughter; it simply rippled around the dining room... unfortunately the other residents had absolutely no choice but to be infected by us.

After breakfast we decided to explore the ‘Grand Spa Hotel’ with all its resources. The striking hotel nestled right on the edge of the sea with its coastline feeling quite dramatic for four ladies from Manchester. With its granite, marble and glass, the hotel felt magnificently luxurious.

Exploring our residence caused excitement to escalate... For some bizarre, unknown reason this started to affect whoever was near or around us. I sensed oneness from other like minded beings that were in close proximity but, I also noticed others who first observed the shenanigans from a distance they then smiled nervously, and spoke... It was almost as if the four of us were able to feed their confidence with liquid warmth which they appeared to need desperately, in order to interact and respond.

It was out of the blue during our first morning in Seliema that Samantha and Charlotte made a hilarious discovery...

“Their all Jerry’s” Samantha screamed.

“Jerry’s...?” Miranda cried in confusion.

“Yeah, Oh my good god” Samantha squealed even louder, “Bloody hell their all geriatrics!?!?”

“Yes I did notice they were older than us” whispered Charlotte in case she was overheard.

Well I understood her outburst immediately and giggled hysterically because, I realised Samantha was on this holiday for a damn good reason... and the scanned, targeted geriatrics gave her a serious problem. She was on a mission, her mission was one of love or should I rephrase that... ‘Lust’ We all know and love Samantha, we all understand that her needs were few, her repertoire quite distinct. The three of us, doubled over in laughter at her realisation, that on this particular holiday, her mission might on this occasion sadly go unanswered.

“Never mind Samantha” Miranda cried with great big fat happy tears coursing down her cheeks. “There’s a disco on this evening, I’m sure someone gorgeously delicious, will strike your fancy”.

“Well if he’s got a Zimmer, I’m outta here” she said indignantly.

After an afternoon of more laughter and us all basking in the beautiful warm Maltese sunshine, we returned to our rooms to get ready for a pre-booked meal and a date with a disco.

Dinner and a few drinks later we stumbled down a beautiful black and white shiny marble staircase that spiralled around and around... we followed faraway music to the famous ‘cocktail bar’ where dancing would take place. The bar stunningly beautiful, the furniture and surroundings completely divine but, the four of us stood stock, staring still within the opening of double doors which led into the space we thought we wanted to be... It was then we were met by the strictly come dancing brigade.

Almost defeated, the four of us slowly walked towards the bar... drinks started to flow and strangely enough gaiety returned... Our motto was this, ‘if you can’t beat em join em ‘ We started putting in musical requests... toe tapping notes zapped out, geeing up the older generation. We introduced ourselves. We encouraged everyone to dance... basically; we silently decided come what may, we were going to have a great time and that meant including everyone and not taking, no for an answer.

I’m happy to report, the new people took to us like ducks to water...

This was also the evening we met our 5^th Angel, Selina. What a lovely lady... Selina turned out to be a breath of fresh air, warm, kind, and gracious... instantly becoming one of the girls. She also introduced us to other inmates. Throughout the week Selina regularly joined us on the sun terraces, in our spa treatments, she blended in well, just like a sister. Selina turned out to be an interesting person who had a top job, where her brains were the public’s priority. She kept the four of us entertained for hours on grisly as well as funny stories all of which she’d experienced within her job. I also felt something deeper with our 5^th Angel, I connected on another level. I recall even advising her that she and I had unfinished business... I sensed a need within Selina, a fire was burning and I instinctively felt she was looking for something more out of life... I wasn’t totally sure and I don’t know why I felt this so strongly, but, I had the distinct impression I might somehow be the key... Our friendship deepened with our 5^th Angel and along with everyone else I quickly realised Selina was a real, fun person who also happened to share my passion for dancing.

I know your reading this lovely lady... Our paths crossed but for a short time and I along with the others knew that, parting would be sad. How right we were, we miss you lots and lots...

Towards the end of Sunday evening in the bright lights of the cocktail bar, we danced our asses off; we all laughed enjoying the moment... Unbeknown to my friends, I stepped back to look around and I blissfully realised, the fun was extremely contagious and for some inexplicable reason, I felt being there within that moment with friends and strangers in the then, here and now it was truly meant to be... As we prepared to leave the bar, I saw, felt and heard happy people, smile genuine smiles and I clearly sensed with my own being, genuine shouts of goodnight with cheery waves, see you in the morning.

Contentedly, we went to our rooms knowing, tomorrow would be another day...

The 2010 Maltese chronicles...

2010-12-05T18:20:00.009Z

As most of you may already know, generally a ‘chronicle’ is an account of facts and events arranged in chronological order as for instance in let’s say a timeline, the purpose being to record events that occurred as seen from the perspective of the chronicler.

I decided to do it this way to record a recent holiday in Malta but, I also want to advise that this will be a chronicle with a difference... It’s going to be based on fact, fiction and fantasy... names will be changed, situations disguised. I would also like to introduce my girlfriends and myself in the same light as ‘sex in the city’ characters. It’s going to be about a much needed holiday for four females and will be based around their experiences and the people they meet and believe me there were many wonderful, colourful, characters who will remain truly embedded in our memories forever... Plus, there were a few characters that were not so colourful; nevertheless, they played an equally important part in the developing story.

For these chronicles my name will be Carrie Bradshaw (the writer) and as some of you may already know the famous (Jessica Parker) who plays the all American version. I decided it would be really cool to present the Northern version of Carrie Bradshaw. I’m hoping I’ll be able to bring these fantastic characters to life with a little twist of northern, lemony distinction. It will also be done in a timeline sequence, with the day & date preceding the event, be it... fact, fiction or a fantasy tale within the event and its narration...

I sincerely hope you find it interesting, maybe even funny. It dawned on me after some reflection the four of us appeared to emit a real honest to goodness, feel good chemical that attracted lots of wonderful individuals. I also personally became conscious that during our week in Malta, we experienced lots of laughter and warmth. I discovered this persistent power brought complete strangers into our lives that, sincerely looked forward to, even seeking out our company. Let’s start at the beginning shall we?

First allow me to introduce our fictional selves...

Carrie Bradshaw: Just like Carrie’s character I always believed I would find love. I too possess the deepest desire to write and in doing so my hopeful aspiration is that I will help people with words and experiences, showing them clearly that anything is possible if you really want it, ‘Yes’ even Love! Like Carrie, I also have my own Mr. Big but I think that’s where the similarity ends... I believe Carrie is a beautiful character with an amazing eye for fashion however; we do share a love of shoes.

Miranda Hobbes: is beautiful, smart, self assured and totally independent lady. She doesn’t realise her true worth and just like my own real life friend... who is very much like Miranda’s character in that, she’s desperately struggled with her love life and the insane laid back approach to life her partner constantly displays, causing in her an inner discomfort that’s proved hard for her to come to terms with. But as I always say to her... it’s a work in progress.

Samantha Jones: Is gorgeous, gorgeous and sexily gorgeous. Boy does she know it... Samantha’s experienced success in everything she does. She knows where she’s going and she has a fantastic grip on what she wants out of life and love. She radiates confidence, always getting what she wants, especially any man she sets her sights on. I’ve often told her, she exudes a sensuality that if bottled, would indeed make her a multi-millionaire.

Charlotte York: Last but most definitely not least is our striking Charlotte, the sweetest, gentlest female I’ve ever had the pleasure to know. Always ready to lend a hand and always willingly one step ahead with her thoughts. A true lady born with breeding, who holds a wonderful sense of optimism that thankfully enables her to single handily holds her friends together in times of trouble. Her outlook on love, life and romance is refreshingly bright and hopeful.

Saturday 27^th November 2010... Hip, Hip We’re On Our Way!

Oh my goodness, the excitement to be going away on a much needed holiday... I knew I wasn’t the only one feeling waves of pleasure surging throughout the whole of their being. I was going away with three close girlfriends who’d talked about nothing else for the past 6months.

I was designated driver... After collecting my precious cargo along with squeals and hoots of the shrillest laughter; we travelled to Manchester airport’s car park where I deposited my vehicle to collect on our unthought-of of return.

In the airport we were first in the queue... I in particularly was dreading the ‘weigh in’ due to my over generous packing skills... We laughed and laughed about the heaviness of my suitcase and yes, my suitcase was over the recommended weight allowance but, because Miranda’s was underweight we sailed through. Once ‘booked-in’ we headed to ‘Frankie and Benny’s’ where we ate greedily, drank thirstily and became rather merry. We each talked about personal expectations for the coming week... it wasn’t long before we attracted the attention of a very handsome man who was sat just outside of my view... He spoke to Samantha, who in turn teased him with a familiar twinkle in her eye. I smiled realising affectionately Samantha was practising her wiles on him... We all discovered this is something she would do for the remainder of the journey.... all in good fun of course!

Just before we boarded our plane we all somehow managed to set off the metal detector... so whilst we were being body scanned, we tried very hard to behave appropriately... which of course, was a complete and utter waste of time!

The flight was good. It was spent listening to a snoring Samantha... a dozing Miranda, and a snoozing Charlotte. Me? I just happened to be sat next to an elderly gentleman who interestingly enough, talked my socks off!!!

One thing's for sure, even though I’m absolutely bloody freezing, it’s great to be home...Why? because; I love and have missed my family and friends... Further chronicles to appear as and when... It's my opinion that this fact, fiction and fantastical journey will certainly be worth following... So stay tuned because, I’m hoping you’ll all feel the same.

Kisses from Angel & friends :)

Do You Believe?

2010-11-26T08:45:00.008Z

I wrote this piece on the 17^th June 2009. It was amongst one of the first articles I shared after I experienced one of my light bulb moments within a crisis.

I was asked many moons ago... "Do you believe?"

"Yesssss" I said.

Asked again "But do you really, really, reeeeally believe” thinking hard... frustrated by my own shameful reluctance... Her persistent question echoed in my head.

"Come on, do you believe in Angels"

Silently, I encompass my own reflective pause.

"Yesssss... I believe" I volunteered gently “especially in Angels made from gold"... "Angels of gold?" she says surprised.

Smiling an ever knowing smile I hold on to my breath.

Angels do exist. I know because I hear them every day. I watch them work. I see them play. Normally, they have endless lists of things to do which include places to go... people to see. Their aim on the planet is quite obvious, helping friends in deed and strangers in need. Spreading the message and supporting the outcome...

The first time I saw my Angel, I believe I was 7 yrs old. I lay perfectly still in bed, crying freely. My body was rigid. I was too frightened to move. It was dark but the room was amazingly well lit from the sheer brightness of the moon. I was poorly, feeling quite distressed. In my new oblong shaped bedroom I saw three single beds... in-between each little bed there sat a small locker to put personal belongings in. Well... that’s what they told me. Didn't they know, where I came from there was no chance of belonging or even having belongings ... So I lay on my back staring up at the ceiling, crying. I’d been asleep, something had woken me. Anxiously I looked around; I’d always been really scared of the dark... I sensed things; I didn’t want them to get me. I’d told them... you know the new people, but, there was no reassuring light on for me. Petrified of getting out of bed because I thought someone would grab me from under the bed ... I didn't know where I was or who they were... Why oh why, had they not listened? I cried even harder.

It didn’t take me long to realise the room was becoming brighter, looking up towards the light bulb, I felt convinced someone had switched it on... No light... the room began to pulsate spreading a nice warm golden glow...

At first she just stood there, I didn't know what to do... I recall feeling how very sad I was at my plight but the light in the new bedroom made me feel better. I even dared to sit up. I looked at her, she was so very beautiful. Looking up into her face, I saw her eyes were closed.

Slowly I stopped crying. Sitting in the now golden glow, I wondered what to do. Suddenly, Angel opened eyes. Looking at me, she spoke... Her voice sounded like tingling glass, you know the way beautiful crystal sounds when you strike it with a spoon.

I wanted to hear it again. This time she spoke higher... You’re going to be alright, things have been so very difficult for you, your feeling very sad but this will pass. My Angel moved herself slightly to turn more towards me.... her silky white robe moved in shivery shimmers as she continued in clear crystal tones... Your life will turn around; you will see and feel what it’s like to be happy... You’re a good little girl and soon you will see everything’s going to turn out well for you...

My Angels ice blue eyes held on tight to bulbous tears. As they cascaded through her small dark shiny lashes, she spoke slowly but reassuringly about life and what had gone before. I asked her if she was going to be my new mummy, her tears flowed quicker, she replied reassuringly explaining she could not be my mummy but she promised she would be something better...

"Better then a mummy?" I gently protested, knowing deeper than down just how badly I wanted a mum... "Yes Jane, better because I want you to know I will always, always be with you even when you can't see me, you will forever feel me, knowing I am only a whisper away.

Thinking about my Angel being only a whisper away had made me feel safe, warm and secure... I sat mesmerised, rhythmically nodding.

I realised Angel and I were not alone. My concentration broken, I looked around the bedroom only to discover a further two Angels smiling down on me. Their warmth and sincerity gave me a feeling of complete serenity; I recall feeling totally overwhelmed. It was an amazing moment that I still feel to this day.

I sleepily lay my head back on the pillow. Magically reading my blurry thoughts, my Angel whispered softly “never forget little one... you are not alone. I will always take care of you”... Feeling a gentle touch with the sweet smell of perfume, I drifted off...

The next morning I jumped out of bed, looked around the now cool bedroom feeling tremendous happiness. I noticed someone had been in and left some really smart clothes... Wow a dress, underwear and socks... They smell good... What’s this? Oh yes I forgot a toothbrush! This is fantastic.

Dressed in minutes, I’m running down steps through fire escape doors on towards the biggest dining room in the whole wide world. I smell food, toast... I see milk... I run to enormous windows that completely surround the room. It feels like I’m outside and I can touch the big blue sky. I see trees... grass... flowers... Wow this is so good. I hear a voice behind me, another child... "Who are you"? Swirling in my beautiful pink dress which I hold out wide with two small hands... I observe twinkling brown eyes and a crazy mop of black hair "I am a princess" I say regally "and where do you live princess"? She giggles. Raising my small blonde head, with wonder I look around my brand new forever, home...

"Why, I live here with you in my castle “flopping backwards I fall onto an overstuffed sofa, excitedly throw my feet up high into the air whilst I further examine beautiful white socks, I smile wide... just in time to see my hero walk through the door,

"Ahh there you are Jane" Mr Webb cried ... "we were just looking for you" :)

So you see friend anything is possible, and sometimes even if you desperately want to refuse or even acknowledge what you know... I’ve clearly came to realise just when you thought you could take no more, and your strength is fading, something or somebody appears in your life they/it holds you close allowing you the complete luxury of possible doubt, which then helps you move forward with a different frame of mind, because someone, somewhere has blessed you with a seed, a seed that either grows or die’s depending on an individual’s own life experiences.

For me, it grew; it blossomed even when I was laughed at or when I witnessed confused.com smiles on people’s faces. I still held on to that early experience because I just knew it was the start of my rise... I am gratified and so thankful that I’ve been able to share the experience from my life. I realise also, that realistically it might be hard for you to believe, not just in the above story but, that to me (Jane) it makes no difference what so ever that I do not know you, for some mad, wonderful indescribable reason, way beyond my understanding... I share because I care what happens to you!

I may not be around for a little while so wrap up warm against the awful weather. On my return I’ll have a special, fun journal I'll share with you. Hopefully it will make you smile...

So until then my friend... Namaste

Angels in waiting...

2010-11-21T00:36:00.008Z

Browsing the web today in search of answers to questions, I came across something that made me stop and think... I've seen this story before and recall being totally mesmerised at the meaning behind an unknown author's words... I wanted to share so, here it is. Please, take time to read and sense the meaning behind one lady's rush through life and time... See what happens when she takes time to stop awhile... I appreciate how it's directly written but so beautifully put!

The beginning... There was this little girl sitting by herself in the park. Everyone passed by her and never stopped to see why she looked so sad. Dressed in a worn pink dress, barefoot and dirty, the girl just sat and watched the people go by. She never tried to speak. She never said a word. Many people passed by her, but no one would stop.

The next day I decided to go back to the park in curiosity to see if the little girl would still be there. Yes, she was there, right in the very spot where she was yesterday, and still with the same sad look in her eyes.

Today I was to make my own move and walk over to the little girl. For as we all know, a park full of strange people is not a place for young children to play alone. As I got closer I could see the back of the little girl's dress was grotesquely shaped. I figured that was the reason people just passed by and made no effort to speak to her.

As I got closer, the little girl lowered her eyes slightly to avoid my intent stare. As I approached her, I could see the shape of her back more clearly. She was grotesquely shaped in a humped-over form.

I smiled to let her know it was OK; I was there to help, to talk. I sat down beside her and opened with a simple, "Hello." The little girl acted shocked, and stammered a "hi," after a long stare into my eyes. I smiled and she shyly smiled back.

We talked until darkness fell and the park was completely empty. I asked the girl why she was so sad. The little girl looked at me with a sad face said, "Because I'm different." I immediately said, "That you are!" and smiled. The little girl acted even sadder and said, "I know."

"Little girl," I said, "you remind me of an angel, sweet and innocent." She looked at me and smiled, then slowly she got to her feet and said, "Really?"

"Yes, you're like a little Guardian Angel sent to watch over all those people walking by." She nodded her head yes, and smiled. With that she opened the back of her pink dress and allowed her wings to spread, then she said "I am. I'm your Guardian Angel," with a twinkle in her eye. I was speechless -- sure I was seeing things.

She said, "For once you thought of someone other than yourself. My job here is done."

I got to my feet and said, "Wait, why did no one stop to help an angel?" She looked at me, smiled, and said, "You are the only one that could see me," and then she was gone. And with that, my life was changed dramatically. So, when you think you're all you have, remember, your angel is always watching over you. The End...

So you see, if you open your heart and believe in the unbelievable it usually follows your eyes will really see what is about you and when you really see and feel then, you touch life with an unmistakeable impact... I hope you got something from the story. I did!

Shared with love xxx

My Nirvana Part 2...

2010-11-20T15:01:00.011Z

If you’ve read Part (1) I sincerely hope by the time you finish Part (2) you’ll realise clearly, what I'm trying to say. With all of my heart I know that being brought up in the care system is not a bad thing. Being taken care of and having a different way of life, I'll admit can be challenging as well as a little daunting ... but what I'm attempting to share here is that personally for me, being taken from a bad world into a different one was the making of me... Don’t misunderstand, I would much rather have had loving parents who would have made me their world, but, that was not going to happen so, the next best thing did happen and for as long as I live, I'll always be thankful for the much needed intervention that took place, giving us other opportunities that I did always try to embrace...

My other message here is this... If you’ve been unfortunate enough to be placed in care, then try to remember, life is what you make it and although that may be hard to deal with during times of distress and uncertainty also know when your world settles, take into account the law of child protection and its importance. If you’re in care or were in care then yours was compromised. Don’t let it ruin your future... If like me you remained in care, be realistic; know the responsibility lies with the adults who were around you. Now move forward, shake the shadows from your shoulders and be the best that you can be.

Continued...

We were taken to the police station; the three smallest children were taken to a nursery unit.

My brother and I were taken to a children’s home quite close to the nursery. I felt completely numb as well as totally disconnected not just from my siblings but from life as well. Every few seconds I’d feel a wave of panic wash over me, but, the policeman who shouted had sternly ordered me to remain calm just so I wouldn’t upset my siblings further...

At the time, I didn’t know it but later I came to realise, this was the change that would end up saving my life... I went on to experience another way of living, another way of life. I would feel what it was like to be liked. I learned how to live properly, how to converse. I learned how to read, write, make friends and interact normally. So many strange new wonderful experiences awaited my siblings and me. I remember feeling happy in my heart for the first time. I knew I didn’t want to return home to the dark, dreary miserable life I’d lived... the light was here, the warmth was all around me. I didn’t feel threatened by anybody because I sensed they wanted to help. I recognised genuine sparkles in other people’s eyes. But there was a way to go yet... no one who is brought up in a dysfunctional household is without a few problems...

It started the first night they tried to settle me down in the home, I waited for them to leave then I crept out of my bed to get in with my brother. Feeling more settled I very soon fell asleep. In the early hours I was woken, it was dark and someone with a calm soothing voice carried me back to my own single bed. I waited again and as soon as calm voice left, I crept back into my brother’s bed, again instantly falling asleep... The next day, calm voice told me It was really important that I sleep in my own bed and that I wouldn’t be allowed to sleep with my brother... I cried for the longest time, I couldn’t understand, didn’t they realise I’d never had a bed of my own. My siblings and I always, slept together.

The first morning...

Calm voice gave me and my brother a wash bag which contained unfamiliar things. The first thing she showed to us was a small round container; she took a toothbrush, dipped it into the loose pink powder and pushed it against my teeth, the powder tasted lovely, so I started to eat it...

Laughing she cried out “No, no, no it’s for cleaning teeth”

We were bathed and deloused.

Then we were taken back to individual bedrooms where we discovered fresh clothes at the bottom of our beds. I started to dance in my room, I felt so happy, happy, happy.

At breakfast the other kids looked at us funny. I smiled inside and then out because I didn’t care, we were eating cereal, toast and drinking milk... it was wonderful.

Calm voice spent a lot of time with us that first day as did a giant of a man called Mr. Webb... So much to learn, so much happening... Did I ask for my mother? Yes I think I did once, my worry was she would return and take us away from this beautiful place.

I explored and spoke to all the people I could find, there were lots of them... they were in the kitchen, in the office, in the laundry room the place was humming. There was one lady I will always remember, Mrs Bull was her name. She always held a gentle face and persistently told me I had beautiful eyes and hair... Even as a child, I realised there was something missing on this lady’s weather beaten face, she didn’t have any eyebrows or eye lashes and her hair was a wig in a net but I loved that lady so much she made me feel warm, safe and pretty. I always looked forward to her shifts as we would spend long periods of time reading together.

I took my time tentatively exploring these new surroundings. Already I sensed a calm exterior which smelled lovely and clean, including adults who spoke nicely and who came across as friendly in a sort of genuine kind of way... what I also recall is that I was a perceptive little girl who instinctively sensed if there was or could possibly be a hidden agenda, or even, an ulterior motive. I usually managed to keep myself safe as I also had my trusty internal scanner that sensed evil or wrong doers... So with my inbuilt extra sensory perception switch to maximum and on full alert, I knew and understood there was no danger at least not in this building.

The following morning after a fitful night’s sleep I woke to find fresh clothes and my wash bag hanging on my bedside table... I thought, wow, this happens every day. There was a real sense of order and routine which made me feel safe and let me tell you that were something I hadn’t ever felt before.

Dressed in minutes and ready for action... I run down steps, through fire escape doors on towards a big dining room. I smell food, toast... I see milk... I run to ginormous windows which completely surround the room. I see trees, grass, flowers. This is so good.

I hear a high pitched voice from another child.

"Who are you?" she shrieks.

Swirling around in my beautiful pink dress which I hold out wide with both hands... I observe two twinkling brown eyes and a crazy mop of thick black hair.

"I’m a very important princess" I say with complete glee.

"And where do you live princess?” she giggles.

Raising my small blonde head, I look around with wonder at my brand new forever home...

"Why, I live here with you in my castle “

Falling backwards on to an overstuffed sofa, I excitedly throw my feet up high into the air; I further examine beautiful white socks. Then smiling wide I’m just in time to see my hero walk through the door.

"Ahh there you are Jane" Mr Webb smiles, “we were just looking for you"

My Nirvana...

2010-11-14T22:21:00.010Z

I write this particular piece, not because I need closure or even peace of mind... I happen to be deeply thankful that I've been fortunate enough to have located both! In looking up the word Nirvana, I immediately understood Buddha’s explanations of this beautiful serene word...It's description is as follows. NIRVANA... a perfect peace of a state of mind, that is free from craving, anger and other afflicting states. It is also the "end of the world" there is no identity left, no boundaries for the mind. The subject is at peace with the world and has compassion for all... The highest happiness. I read this and I knew back then the moment I was taken into care, I'd reached my own spiritual Nirvana; eventually I came to understand the chaotic world as I knew it was at long last over... I was in a new world, a world where there was peace, love, respect and understanding... The thing I didn't understand was this... as a child I clearly knew I wanted to receive and give all of the above qualities, but, I’d never experienced them, so how could I possibly know/recognise that these are the things I wanted most in all the world?

(Present time) From beyond my own understanding, I sense a need from somewhere outside of myself. A need that feels desperate to the point of becoming distressed enough to put heartfelt words into ink. Please don’t ask me how I know, I just know that these particular thoughts may touch someone out there, someone who’s looking for their own inner peace and comfort around what they’ve experienced or are presently going through...

My heart wants to reach out and say, let me hold your hand gently whilst you read my thoughts, for I know what you are going through and you are not alone...

I’m delighted I can recall this memory without dissolving into tears or feeling overwhelmed by immense sadness. What I will say is right now, this particular memory will remain crystal clear until I am no more... Just for the record, I did bury this scary recollection for the longest time. When it did re-surface it filled me with the darkest terror and to this day I still have nightmares. So, here’s what followed when I experienced being sucked out of one world into another – Even at the age of eight, I somehow realised, I’d been transformed as if by magic into a princess. As you read further my friend, you’ll understand the reasons why my young mind came to this happy conclusion, and how it miraculously saved my life...

It all begins with being abused, abused, abused... as well as being left home alone on a regular basis by a mother who didn’t appear to posses any maternal instinct. The world I was whisked away from the first time... (It happened twice) was filled with a coldness, grey and black, no colour it was heartbreakingly dismal. There was no warmth only anger and chaos... when a hand touched you it hurt. When I was addressed It was in vengeful anger and disgust. When eyes looked at me, all I saw was hate. I was beaten, battered and discarded at whim. I was forced to take care of siblings and very often we all went without food. Hygiene was non-existent, as were a lack of clothes & shoes. My parents didn’t like one another and their relationship was fiery often leading to domestic violence which was horrendous, leaving me screaming and crying then running to the local police box for help.

Eventually my dad left, which regrettably meant we were then at the mercy of a mother who was not only unstable, she was also well known for being selfish and immature. Frighteningly her new-found freedom brought further dangers for us. She got a job as a bar-maid and began to bringing random strangers home, which eventually brought problems for me. I remember wanting to disappear off the face of the earth and I eventually recognised this would be the time I’d hide behind my hands, believing unbelievably, I was invisible.

I witnessed far too much for my young age. I continually felt thoroughly miserable.

After you read some of the above, you would be forgiven for thinking 'Oh my god, how awful'... and you’d be right... it was, but, at this stage remember; it’s what we were use to. We had no comparisons. This was our life as we knew it...

Like I said previously, we were taken into care twice... On this occasion, I’m only going to talk about the first time.

We were home alone. I’d had my orders and as usual they were screamed at me...

“Do not let anyone in and don’t open the *Bleep Bleep*door for any *Bleep* reason”

Not a problem... I wouldn’t have anyway, there were certain aspects to being a frightened child that just made you wary.

When the first knock came it was dark. Frightened I moved upstairs. The children were asleep in bed, so I got in with them. Then a loud persistent hammering started, someone shouted. I crept down because I didn’t know what else to do. Cowering, I got to the front room; there were only two rooms. A big policeman was at the window looking in. He shouted then lowered his voice, explaining it was ok to open the door... I wasn’t having any of it; I was now petrified and burst into a run back up to my siblings, who were now crying from all the noise. Running past the kitchen window I saw other policemen out in the backyard. At the top of the steep staircase, I heard glass smash and footsteps running after me.

“There’s nothing to worry about children” he said standing in the small door-frame.

A police woman appeared... I was taken downstairs. They asked questions, but all I did was cry. I was in big trouble. There were so many people in the small front room. A big man appeared with kind blue eyes, red hair and a red beard. He told me he was going to examine the children and me because he was a Doctor and he was concerned. Looking between the adults all I saw were nodding heads. I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness. What the Doctor wanted from me were the children’s names as they were brought to him, so they wouldn’t be frightened. He asked me if I’d do that, I reluctantly nodded.

After each child was examined they were mysteriously whisked out through the front door. The word ‘neglect’ lay across the lips of present adults. I recall telling the nice Dr. I was ok and I’d wait for my mother, he said that wouldn’t be possible as he needed me to be with my brothers and sister. He also informed me the police had gone to get my mum, just so she’d know what was going on and where we were going... Without any warning I was lifted by the big police officer who’d been looking through the window earlier... I screamed and started fighting him, I knocked his helmet off, he dropped me. I knew I was a strong little girl and as I landed at his feet the front door flew open, in ran my mum... she screamed loudly, which only frightening me further.

“Bring back my children” she demanded her eyes wild. Her hand landed on me pulling me in close.

A few minutes was spent between the talking adults. The shouting escalated and she let go of me running into the kitchen. Abandoned again, I shot after her. The police were already in the back, they grabbed hold of her as she retrieved a big knife.

Holding it up high she pointed it downwards at herself.

“I want my children back” she screamed again falling to the floor... then she tried to stab herself... I screamed at the scene and truly felt the deepest disabling pain... I threw myself at her knowing I would never, ever be the same again. The police officers had hold of her. Thankfully they removed the knife; they made sure she was safe.

This time the Dr shouted, hissing hard for her to remember, I was still here.

He ordered the big police officer to remove me.

I remember screaming to my mum as I was forcefully removed

“I’m sorry I couldn’t keep them out, I’m sorry”

In my own tiny tortured mind I just knew it was my fault, it was the whole of my entire fault.

To be continued...

Power of thought and desire...

2010-11-07T19:40:00.010Z

When I was a little girl I use to think if I placed my hands over my eyes no one would see me... How wrong I was but, what I did manage to eventually do was make my own special power so that I could be amongst others and be completely invisible... One of the things I learned in life is that we’re able to hide, use power and make things happen. So I miraculously became a robot...

Today though, I’m blessed to be able to say I no longer remain that poor invisible little robot. Despite my history my sincere love of people proved that with my own survival-thoughts I managed to cling on to most of life’s priorities. I genuinely love to help and support others, especially in times of distress or them experiencing crisis. I believe at these times you can definitely feel your inner magic transform allowing it to become useful due to the absolute and utter need.

Throughout life, I’ve always tried to maintain a cheery disposition, even when I’ve not felt particularly happy... I’m glad to report most times it worked but sometimes it just didn’t... Back then I desperately needed to develop strategies, mystical mechanisms to help me as a small person cope with a terror filled existence. Let me tell you this... in my childhood, the wonderful thing was, although those mechanisms developed slowly, I witnessed a light with each progression; they became better, clearer and much more acceptable to use in my everyday life. I developed them to the extent that no one realised I was receiving help, but... for me I knew those magical lights which were mysteriously accompanied by a special visitor, would either save me or help significantly so that I could walk my destined path safely and for the most part, I was also able to hold my head high and still not be noticed.

Within life I’ve learned so much and as you can imagine that list’s positively endless... Here are but a few... I needed to be more forgiving of myself and others. I also don’t live in the past like I use to. Don’t let things drift. Stop reflecting on things that didn’t work. Encourage others to feel good. Compromise occasionally, I’m still learning and at the moment I’m focused on how to ask for things for myself. Organise my work and focus on one thing at a time. Make realistic goals and make friends with people who like themselves.

Even as a child I remember clearly using affirmations. I recall I used them more when I was crying and distressed. It wasn't something I shouted out, I would whisper them. I didn’t realise it then but I later came to understand that these work on your sub-conscious level, influencing emotions. When I first learned about repeating affirmations, I frequently thought they might not work but after consistency I noticed I felt relaxed. I quickly learned affirmations had to be strong and positive and just to give you more of an idea when I used this strategy, I generally said things like...

I am happy

I am blessed

I am wanted

I am relaxed

I am loved

I am needed

I am appreciated

I know who I am and I know what’s right

I normally pick the one that suit me best. I repeat it lots throughout the day, but there are thousands of possible affirmations it depends on you, your life style and the need... Sometimes I write it on post it’s and stick them where I’ll be the most... i.e. computer, diary... I repeat and think about it when I go to bed. I’ve found this helps maintain a cheery smile, not always but most times. I also discovered relaxation is one of the most effective strategies. Being relaxed usually means we become more resilient and usually helps us to handle stressful situations appropriately.

I also believe in visualisation, a powerful way of bringing happiness into one’s life. When I use visualisation I generally use it for others and on occasion have used it for myself.

Many of you know I’m preparing to become a grandmother. There is already much I know but, I strongly believe there’s always room for improvement just as I also believe some of the old ways are the best ways, still it doesn’t do any harm to improve oneself in terms of updating knowledge – seeing what modern thoughts and ideas are around on parenting. I feel the old with the new is a really good combination, making it totally possible for both to complement each other...

Hugs from AngelJane :)

What's happening in your life?

2010-10-29T22:13:00.018+01:00

This week I'm dedicating my blog to a group I belong to called ‘Warrior Sisters’ Recently I nervously shared something personal with the group and the only way I can describe their response to my disclosure was that one by one they automatically engulfed me in love and acceptance as well as the brightest fiercest light that I could feel as it embraced me within it's healing energy. It came at the right time and I’m glad to say I’m still feeling it today. I’ll never forget their warm loving reaction, my constant hope is that I’ll always be there for them, should they ever need me.

Oh how I love to write about happenings in life, past, present and future... Sharing and caring about life, love, living, laughing and crying, experiences we live each and every day.

On occasion I’ve found a simple experience will bring from within a huge rush of feelings which follows in opening up new and old memories, incorporating wonderful familiar faces. Usually it's people who’ve been in my life and meant something special, but for whatever reason are no longer with me treading life’s extraordinary path.

It happened this morning (Fri) on my way into work... driving the 40min journey, whilst listening to tunes a memorable song blasted out and hey presto... I shivered as I felt myself pulled in another time warp. I became bombarded with good, bad, sad and happy recollections and just because of one silly song on a rainy work day morning. Recognisable faces floated before me, I realised as painful as some memories can be I was glad I’d known all of these individuals... at the same time I sensed profound sadness because unfortunately they were no longer in my life.

In addition, I knew it was about time I stopped beating myself up about things, since I felt I was not there for some people and if I’m honest I became conscious long ago about that very sad fact and I suppose the big burning question is... who was there for me? I appreciate that question doesn't right a wrong. I just comprehend; one cannot keep beating them-selves up forever. My strong sense of fair-play, shouts at me, responsibility should be shared equally as I also know only to well that this wouldn’t ever sit right with some people. I’m just clear in the bigger scheme of things, when we close our eyes for that last and final time, all of this won’t even matter.

It’s not all gloomy doom, I also managed a smile especially when I thought of others... happy, beautiful memories, happy times. There are a couple of people who were once in my life, whose impact on me was phenomenal ... they will always be that warm embrace you feel when you remember something beautifully gorgeous... but, sometimes as we all instinctively know, it’s better not to maintain friendships, given the moving on syndrome... however, nothing or no one can ever take away precious memories recalled with clarity. This brings some well-known words to mind...

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realise is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
— Unknown

Just to confirm, they were all meant to be... with love and acceptance we've all moved on.

As some of you know this has been a particularly hard year for my family and I. Unfortunately the affects are not over but I’m still able to feel joyfully happy in sharing with you that the brightest light in my darkest tunnel is that my beautiful girl, is having a baby... I’m going to be a grandmother, a responsibility I’ll take seriously. All the living and learning I’ve accomplished in my life is going to be put to very good use, as I’ve already done with my own beautiful girl.

I experienced a significant dream, I feel I’ve already magically met my grandchild, I know the baby’s gender and something noteworthy and unusual happens in the labour room. But, for now I want to hang on to that information and share another time. I will say this if my dream is to be believed, I have witnessed the baby’s birth, held and met the bluest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. So if my life proceeds as I wish, I know I’ll be a big part of my grandchild’s future.

Despite negatives in life I’m gloriously thankful; I have somehow managed not to lose the absolute ability to appreciate life, and love with people in this wondrous world we inhabit.

Signed, sealed and kissed by AngelJane

It's Good To Be Happy...

2010-10-21T16:37:00.017+01:00

Oh the thrill of being responsible for making someone HAPPY! One of my favourite magazines is the well-known ‘Cosmopolitan’ this morning I was able to have a break and whilst reading Cosmopolitan, I found myself thinking about possible future Blog features...

I thought to myself, what to share with my readers?

In the magazine I spied an article on being happy... It was about a website
http://www.mybestthingtoday.com/ According to my magazine the website helps to banish bad weather blues... Ultimately reminding us all that everyday can contain at least one sunny moment. So as you all know, I do try to find interesting snippets about things that will hopefully bring smile’s to faces and yes I know, I know... I also end up bringing a tear to your eye, but in my world today it’s ‘SMILEY DAY’ so I decided to check it out...

I immediately saw mybestthingtoday.com is a new venture from 'LIFECLUBS' (personal improvement workshops) I observed and read with interest some lovely postcards sent in anonymously about the best thing that happened to individual people in their day. I also wondered whether it got its idea from another website I’ve heard about called, http://www.postsecret.com/ which works in a similar way. Individuals send postcards in anonymously sharing their darkest secrets...

I totally agree with ‘Physiologies magazine’ (another favourite mag) that reading what other people consider to be the best part of their day can help us appreciate the good things when they happen to us. And in my own book, anything that helps us feel good about anything is well worth a look… :)

30. Domestic Service. Our Senator is Missing...

2010-10-17T17:39:00.009+01:00

When all around you moves in slow motion and your brain disengages... you must know you’re body's in shock and the time's come for you to stop... breathe slowly, so that your able to concentrate on reality, focus on the event, quickly ensure everyone's accounted for and safe... But unfortunately, that’s not always the case. Sadly the senators PA, Jonathon and security crew soon discovered...

Jonathon’s ashen face reveals all as he stares disbelievingly at the carnage before him. A walkie-talkie's been thrust into his grasp. He spots Jake lying in a heap at the back end of the car, he’s not moving, it doesn’t look good. Moving over to Crystal he kneels beside her. Into the communicator he frantically hisses a request for more back up and demands ambulance services hurry-up. Gently he talks to her. Within her eyes he observes distress as she stares over at Jake. It’s not hard to see the guy’s in big damn trouble.

The whirring noise over-head deafens, Jonathan can’t hear himself think. Security floods the area. Police helicopters circle the property.

Crystal unbelievably tries to get up; pushing her back gently he hears her commanding him to listen...

“6ft 2” medium build, brown eyes, head covered with a black balaclava, eyebrows brown, black faded leather jacket, blue jeans faded-black t-shirt a Pepsi emblem on the front across the chest” she stops to breath, “suspect wore grubby white trainers with a hole in the right toe piece, tip of his little finger missing on his left hand, on his right hand forefinger, a silver band”

Jonathon parrot like, repeats word for word her observations into the shiny black walkie-talkie. Amid the chaos he guiltily realises if he had any doubts about Crystal’s professional abilities, then he needn’t have.

Crystal cries Jake’s name out loud.

“Over here” Jonathon screams to ambulance personnel.

When he’s satisfied Jake and Crystal are in the ambulance, he moves quickly into the house.

Second in command of security after Jake, Alex Mahoney steps forward,

“Sorry Jonathon this is a no-go area”

“The senator and his family, are they ok?”

An uncomfortable silence follows; it penetrates his heart causing ice cold needles to sting.

“Tell me there ok for god’s sake” he demands.

“The senator’s missing, according to the security diary, Kristina and the children are with grandparents, we’re still waiting for that to be confirmed”

Alex stops to assess Jonathon’s take on things then continues.

“It appears on their return Crystal and Jake interrupts.”

Just as Alex‘s hand-piece crackles into life, he brushes a large hairy hand across his bald patch above greying hair.

Jonathon falls against the wall. Images of he and the senator playing poker emerge from inside his brain.

“Jonathon, as the senators PA we’re going to need your input, unfortunately there are two further fatalities in the kitchen, we believe it to be the maid and cook?”

“God no, no how the hell can this be happening, security was stepped up, tightened, even increased due to recent threats”

“Without revealing classified information, it appears we have a leak from within which is currently being investigated.” Alex studies Jonathon’s body language, “you gonna be ok?” He asks.

Jonathon doesn’t answer instead; he squeezes his eyes shut. When he re-opens them Alex is gone. Walking towards the kitchen, the chaos is apparent, vases smashed and strewn across the floor as if a struggle’s taken place; Jonathon knew the senator wouldn’t have gone without a fight.

The kitchen door's wide open, two deceased females lie close to one another, blood's splattered across the kitchen units as if they've been callously shot at point black range. Dear god they must have seen it coming thought Jonathon as he crouched on his haunches, elbows on his knees cradling a head incapable of digesting the horrific scene before him. In all of his life he’d never felt so helpless and alone.

“Can we help you sir?” came a warm southern voice.

Looking up he saw four suits surrounding him.

“Yeah, I need to get to the hospital”

WRITING, LIVING, LOVING & LAUGHING...

2010-10-17T15:12:00.013+01:00

Here’s one conscientious blogger who'll never get tired of advising her fellow human inhabitants... To change our world, we have to look within to make those changes we want to see happen in our world...

During the past year I’ve learned much about living & writing. I know what it means to live, breath and feel my own writing through words & thoughts and by regularly embracing my imagination. I know only too well what it brings into my life and I'm aware of how it makes me feel right through to my core. Over the past 24months I’ve healed so much... probably much more so than in the last 30 years. I sense that’s because I’ve turned full circle and found the opportunity and inclination to write. Consequently I can observe and truly feel life’s valuable lessons.

For me writing has brought a blend of creativity and imagination which I feel has somehow magically developed my storytelling skills. I see from reading others, we all possess a wonderful style that I presume reflects important parts of our personalities. I find it very interesting when I read my own work back; I distinctly hear my voice with all its quirks and twists. One of my wishes is that when others read me, they like the style and sense the genuine sincerity from my tone.

I also hope as a writer when I scribe be it fact or fiction, I want to reflect my own style and attitude as it's personally felt at the time of me writing. I recognise when writing, my whole thought process and attitude can be extreme depending of course on the subject matter... For instance, I've found when I write fiction I’m able to see and sense the very place I write about and I know I’ve reported this before, but the characters are as real to me as my own family. So if my readers comprehend my writing style as I’ve written it... I know my story/article will affect them, which is just one of the many reasons I enjoy writing.

I realise I’m not the best writer in the world and although initially that was extremely important to me, over the months I’ve happily discovered it’s not as important as I once thought. The important thing for me is that I am real and write to the very best of my ability, enabling readers to enjoy and get something from whatever I’ve written. I especially want them to hear my voice and feel its tone. Depending on what the subject is, I’d also be pleased to know they hear within my style the objective getting the informal and personal flow. I hope they get the informative or affective style and essentially detect the attitude from within the pages.

So when you think of writers just sitting down and tapping away or burning the ink along blank pages... I think I'm right in saying for most of us it’s a much more important job. We consider our readers and the affect our words, thoughts and ideas may have on them. I very often hear that words are soooooooooooo powerful... they can boost, energise and give hope... they empower and undo... The power of having the right words at the right time as we all know can be phenomenal and if said at the right time can be healing.

I’ve also read quite a bit recently on individuals encouraging us to be controversial, challenging with words as well as a firm attitude. Although I don’t disagree with using these skills should one need them, I do disagree with flaunting oneself in a manner that comes across as aggressive or even hostile, possibly giving the view to others of being un-compromising.

This week I have been accused of being ‘too soft’ when faced with this accusation I smiled. Personally... as I've already stated in a previous blog, I’d much rather work with honey then vinegar and through the years I’ve witnessed more positive results my way, not just from actions but with my words. I decided long ago I'd much rather be soft then hold a cold hard heart. Unfortunately I’ve witnessed people with this quality and its my opinion they do nothing in terms of their best for the people they work with.... I cannot over empathise this point enough but, it can be done by simply remembering, no matter who we converse, interact or support... just gently remind yourself, this could be your daughter, sister, mother, aunty, niece, son, uncle, dad, brother.

Everyone, no matter whom it is... is unconditionally important!
Namaste.

29. Domestic Service... Togetherness.

2010-10-10T10:08:00.004+01:00

When a window of opportunity presents itself, Crystal finally grabs the bull by both its horns and makes a liberating clean slate. She must express her feelings; tell Jake honestly how she feels... but the question is will he receive this information lovingly, or because of their occupations will he stop her in her tracks? Nervous, she contemplates the situation deciding it’s now or never.

Leaning against the kitchen table with his arms folded, Jake grins.

“You ready then?”

“Yes of course”

The drive to the shopping mall is excruciating. Crystal overwhelmed completely with nerves wants simply to blurt her heart out, but realistically she knows it needs doing face to face.

Jake quiet as a church mouse thinks deep thoughts; every so often he flash flicks his eyes sideways, curious as to what Crystal’s doing. Viewing the scenery, Crystal in her own little world is thankful that the day is warm, sunny and beautiful. She knows a golden opportunity has presented itself. She realises this is the first time she and Jake have been alone together without of course the added pressure of being immersed in their working environment.

The hum from the air conditioner switches off as Jake parks up.

Jake ever the gentleman he is shoots round to her side of the car to open it. This endears him even further.

“Right then madam, where to first?” Jake enquires, teasing.

The next 3 hours the couple spend their shopping time viewing, buying necessities with care. Each purchase has a firm destination.

“I’m shattered” Crystal sighs.

“Right then, Lets go and eat”

They spy a really beautiful restaurant overlooking a seriously stunning lake.

Jake and Crystal are wait a few moments before they are shown to their seats; both take in the gorgeous architecture of the building and the beauty of its surroundings. Crystal doesn’t want the day to end.

The restaurant has a rustic ambience. Its warm interior, feels a little like being in a luxury log cabin in Switzerland. Each table adorns a single stemmed red rose which compliments white silk linen. On the walls hang glorious masterpieces painted by great artists. The couple are moved to the terrace where Crystal thinks it’s appropriately romantic.

Sitting down, a smile passes fleetingly through Crystal’s eyes; thankfully this is not missed by Jake.

After ordering food, a bottle of wine appears which Jake politely refuses, opting for a soft drink instead. Crystal takes a huge gulp, the medium dry white liquid hits the back of her throat and for a second deliciously stings, whilst she feels its heat swish rapidly around her stomach.

Just what I need she thought...

“I’m so glad we’re here today Jake” Crystal quickly says. This is followed by a further gulp of extra strong liquid.

“You are?” he feigns surprise.

“Yes I am” Came Crystals indignant reply.

The lull in conversation feels awkward. Crystal tastes the burn from another mouthful ... she wants to share her thoughts with him, would he understand? Does he feel the same way? Will he reject her? Oh so many questions, so many doubts...

Jake leans back in his chair, smiles at crystals obvious discomfort.

“So you have something to tell me?”

Crystal’s decision to go for it is decidedly done at speed, once she starts words flow like the liquid she’s drinks.

“Yes, I’ve wanted to talk to you for months, but every time we get an opportunity something happens” Crystal feels warm.

“I need to talk to you very much about how I’m feeling”

Pausing, she catches her breath for the briefest moment.

“Ok, so what would you like to discuss?” he said with a twinkle in his eye.

“Err... I just want to share some really deep stuff with you”

“You’re not in trouble are you?”

“No, no not at all” she laughed nervously

Another gulp should do it she thought.

“I want to tell you...” Food arrives, leaving Crystal agitated.

“Go on” Jake encourages.

Picking up her knife and fork she continues.

“Damn it Jake, this is hard enough” she breathes. “I want you to know I think you’re absolutely wonderful and if you don’t mind, I’d like to explore the possibility of seeing you, maybe dating? I realise you may think our working relationship could become compromised, but I promise to be professional at all times” Another gulp from the biggest wine glass she had ever seen. A deep breath as she places her glass on the little mat...

“My career is just as important to me as I know yours is, but if we both want this I know we can work on it, I’ve never, ever felt like this about anyone”

Awkward silence returns.

“Well?” she asks nervously.

The silence is now claustrophobic. Eventually Jake moves in his chair.

“Crystal, I wondered how long it would take you to get that out” Jakes hands reach across the table, warmly he entwines strong fingers through hers and then squeezes reassuringly.

Crystal breathes like it’s her first breath... It feels like she’s died and gone to heaven.

Relaxed and laughing she replies, “I can’t tell you how nervous I’ve been”

With a look of seriousness, Jake whispers

“This can’t get out Crystal, the chances are you would lose your job, relationships within the service are taboo and definitely not encouraged and we have to be very careful, take our time and see how it goes”

Big wet happy tears slip down pink cheeks, it’s all Crystal ever wanted. The two of them spend the next 2 hours talking non-stop. When it’s time to go, Crystal wishes with all her heart that the night could last forever.

Reading her mind Jake promises to bring night caps to her room when the house is asleep.

It wasn’t long before they pulled in through the double security gates and drove up to the house. With a stolen touching smile, mindful of the secrecy with the love of her life, Crystal shyly lowers her eyes as she proceeds to move into the residence... her mind captivated elsewhere, didn’t expect to be shot through the chest as she opened the side door... Jake jumped, alerted to the cracking sound of a shotgun fired, he spins around. The world for him slows down to a micro movement per millisecond as in horror he watches Crystal frantically clutch her chest then collapse to the ground. Scrambling to pull the driver’s side door open he hears her scream as another shot pierces her left shoulder. Blood is everywhere; very slowly she puts her right hand up to the gunman acknowledging defeat.

Evil personified the gunman stands over her then at point blank range, he fires...

Sylvia's Mother...

2010-10-03T11:13:00.016+01:00

Life is strange to say the least. Who knows what sad, weird and wonderful happenings take place around us... Who’s to say we should understand, believe, trust and have faith? Each and every one of us has our own story to tell. Come on, come closer and listen to Sylvia’s. Her story is one of bravery and goes to show how powerful the mind can be. Even when Sylvia lived through something so traumatic, in order to survive it was necessary for her to make up her own reality... or was it made up? Did Sylvia’s mother really return from the other side to protect her daughter...? Read on and make your own mind up!

Gasping for breath Sylvia darts out from the clinging darkness of the tunnel; her heart hammers to the beat of an invisible drum. Clothes now torn and dirty flow from out behind her like beautiful, silky material, dancers wear in faraway dream sequences. Only this isn’t a dream, Sylvia's assailant with brute force pushed her face into filthy wet mud; she still smells the stink of it because it's thickly caked within her nostrils.

Crying from the sheer effort it takes to physically pull herself up the never-ending flight of steps which are set steeply into the side of the hill. Sylvia grabs desperately at the freezing handrail; heaves towards the final step. Glimpses back into terrifying darkness, she’s convinced he hasn’t followed. Grateful, she spots a telephone box.

“999 what is your emergency?” The high pitched tinny voice enquired.

“Police” Sylvia screams “Police”

“Calm down miss, tell me what the problem is?”

“I’ve been attacked; I don’t know where I am”

“Try to remain calm your number is being auto-tracked, I’ll remain on the phone with you until the police get there”

Into the mouth piece Sylvia sobs uncontrollably. Pushing the phone savagely into her right cheek she feels strangely comforted by the fact somebody’s talking to her.

“Are you there Miss?”

“I’m here but I need help, oh my god I’m bleeding I think I need an ambulance”

In the overhead dimness of murky night lights, a deep crimson colour reflects and shimmers.

“Oh my god there’s so much blood”

“Tell me what happened” the tinny voice said calmly “Miss, are you there?”

Sylvia slowly slid down the glass partition of the phone box. Holding her stomach she feels wet and warm, the blood leaks in small pulses through her fingers.

“Miss, Miss are you there?”

“Yes, yeah I’m here but I feel bad, I’m bleeding”

“I have dispatched a police car and ambulance to your tracked location; they will be with you in five minutes”

The operator felt extremely anxious for this young girl, she took repeated calls like this on a regular basis and wondered what the hell she was still doing working here.

Meanwhile on the floor, Sylvia looks over towards the mountain of steps she’d just climbed. In the darkness she saw his silhouette; she screams and screams. He just stands there looking at her. A sick, evil grin spreads throughout his face, in his hand the knife glints like a piece of crystal in blazing sunlight.

Panic stricken she struggles to her feet, Sylvia drops the phone; the alarm in the operator's voice is heard.

"Run, run to the nearest road"

In the distance sirens are heard and although a few minutes ago that would have been comforting, right now it wasn’t.

Looking behind, Sylvia could see even the sound of sirens had not put her attacker off; he walks slowly like a cat playing with its prey.

“Why?” Sylvia screamed as she ran “Why?”

“Because I could” he hissed.

Clutching her stomach, feeling the blood flow fast between her fingers she is convinced the exertion of running is responsible for her feeling dizzy.

You know Sylvia was not a bad person but she didn’t believe in god even so, she senses surprise as she hears herself desperately praying, asking, begging and pleading the good lord for help. Ahead she makes out the main road as well as headlights from vehicles, if she could just get to the road someone would stop.

From behind she hears him; she feels the hairs on her body rise.

“What does it feel like to be hunted?” her attacker whispers menacingly.

Don’t answer, Sylvia thought don’t answer, you need all your strength to run.

“What does it feel like to be hunted?” he hisses again.

One foot in front of the other Sylvia, keep going.

From out of nowhere but within the dark Sylvia suddenly hears her mother’s calm sweet voice,

“Grab my hand darling, hold it tight and run with me like the wind, I will protect you”

Joy surged within Sylvia’s heart, feeling the warm touch from her mother’s hand; it magically spurns her on with speed she’s never felt before.

In the darkness, the sky lights up from the hue of flashing blue lights as they race in haste towards her...

Caught up in bright headlights, three figures run at speed... just as the attacker raises his knife welding right hand for the very last time, a woman turns and slams him to the ground. Without warning Sylvia feels her mother let go, when she screams in fright her mother demands with urgency that she keeps running.

Looking up from his spot the attacker is confused. He sees Sylvia's mother looking down on him in disgust... the attacker still doesn't fathom it out before he closes his eyes for the very last time.

The police officer has to sprint after Sylvia to stop and reassure her that the nightmare is over.

In the back of the ambulance a commotion is taking place.

“What is it?” the paramedic asks.

“My mum, please don’t leave without my mum" Sylvia sobs “she saved me”

The police officer reassures the paramedic.

“The location is being explored and taped off, looks like he stupidly fell onto his knife, we’re just waiting for the coroner” the officer scratches his forehead, “strange though, this young lady meets a clear description of the daughter and mother who disappeared over a week ago”

The paramedic sighs heavily. “She’s hysterical, genuinely believes her mother is still out in the field with her attacker”

The police officer advises Sylvia of the situation, but this just causes her to become more distraught.

The paramedic expertly injects something soothing to calm her; they know they have to rush her in; this young lady has lost a lot of her life’s precious fluid. On closer examination there’s not just one puncture wound, there are numerous stab sites, one in the front with several in her back.

As the paramedic re-sets the drip he knows whatever this guy wanted, he didn’t want her to live.

Banging the doors shut, the blue light resumes its job. The paramedic slowly shakes his head, he observes Sylvia smile as she talks away to her imaginary mother.

If You...

2010-09-26T00:50:00.022+01:00

Don’t you just love it when you’re in love?

Don’t you love how it feels when the mind is a screwed up turmoil of emotions which rages ahead like a torrent?

(Whispering these words she knew he could hear, but she wasn’t sure if he was listening)

If you look inside my mind you’ll see a zillion thoughts raging through a maze of time.

If you look into my eyes, you’ll recognise they truly are the windows to my soul. Not only will you see sublime beauty and grace encased with desire, you’ll experience it deeply within your own true spirit.

If you lower those beautiful lashes to happen a look up-on my lips, you’ll realise with every fibre of your ethereal being they were made for you and only you.

If you transpire to look deep inside my heart, I promise you’ll feel completely overwhelmed by the strength of my infinite love, causing you to inhale deeply just from sheer belief...

Then in amongst the majestic swirls of time whilst dreams materialise we’ll feel a true pledge. Wrap your arms around around me and we'll embrace our life with love, It will be then my darling I’ll know at last we’ve come home...

Heart-felt Disappointment...

2010-09-23T21:34:00.010+01:00

Disappointment (As defined From Wikipedia, the free encyclopaedia) is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that the individual feeling regret focuses primarily on the personal choices that contributed to a poor outcome, while the individual feeling disappointment focuses on the outcome itself

Late night disastrous thoughts, feelings and remedies on a deep, dark, emotion identified long ago as Disappointment...

Oh my goodness, how do we cope with that big emotional rollercoaster that surrounds disappointment? It’s not very often I forward anything to competition. I don’t know why but for this particular publisher I had good vibes and it felt important. I worked for hours and hours on a story that I thought stood a good chance. The time I spent reaching deep inside myself to pull out the very best. Magically I filled in the never ending pages with interminable ideas and thoughts... My characters were larger than life. They should have been, I based them on real people. I knew them inside out... I knew what they were thinking; I knew their goals, their dreams and their nightmares. Even when I wasn't writing, my characters regularly produced real life movie scenes behind the very bones of my skull. Where did I go wrong? What was missing from my beautiful manuscript? Whilst working on my piece I thought positive thoughts. I had a positive expectancy, my hopes were high...

Reading this article some may think, Too High... but, I don’t. I always try to demand the best from myself. I completed several drafts... looked at it from numerous possible view points... I must have read my script a thousand times, looked through it a million times more, simply to eliminate unnecessary chatter, did it flow right? Was there a beginning, middle and an end? I admit I can waffle; I know my style is direct and thorough. I like to use an uncomplicated jargon. Depending on what I’m writing I like to be me... I’m not perfect. I’m just a person with a dream. An individual who if given half the chance would work so hard to make her dream a joyous reality.

When we put our work out into the literary world, it’s a risk and to be honest it’s a risk I’m prepared to take for as long as I have to... It’s my dream; I want to become a brilliant storyteller... Numerous times in the past I’ve openly reported, I’m realistic, I know I won’t be a big literate but, I will be a good teller of stories. My mind is alive, I have enormous ideas, gigantic thoughts, huge plots, commanding characters and the deal is I want to share them.

Sorry to sound so down but I suppose you could say I’m not having a very good year... It started off so beautifully!

Am I going to do anything differently?

Yes, I think maybe I will!

I’ll still maintain my never ending optimism and remain forever hopeful that I will attain realistic goals. I will gather more knowledge and regularly practice my skills. I will hang around with the right people, read their wonderful books and learn as I progress. I will be open to constructive advice and I will try very hard to surround myself with positive energy... If I collect a few more followers along the way, I know that will classify as positive energy an illuminating light penetrating me with a positive self awareness.

Before I close let me post a poem... just to help you if on occasion you feel like me...

Don't Quit...

Don't quit when the tide is lowest
For it's just about to turn
Don't Quit over doubts and questions
For there's something you may learn
Don't quit when the night is darkest
For it's just a while 'til dawn
Don't quit when you've run the farthest
For the race is almost won
Don't quit when the hill is steepest
For your goal is almost nigh
Don't quit, for you're not a failure
Until you fail to try.
- Author unknown -

Sweet dreams... Tomorrow is another day!

I am becoming a Spiritual Warrior

2010-09-21T14:29:00.015+01:00

Dalai Lama:

As long as we observe love for others and respect for their rights and dignity in our daily lives, then whether we are learned or unlearned, whether we believe in the Buddha or God, follow some religion or none at all, as long as we have compassion for others and conduct ourselves with restraint out of a sense of responsibility, there is no doubt we will be happy.

The above statement is one of many I connected with during my research... Today, this is why I’m here...

I have been poorly for a while. Please don’t worry, it’s not life threatening. I share this because it’s totally significant for the many, many reasons I chose my current path which I curiously tread on my journey.

I knew it was time I followed my intuition... unfortunately this is something I’ve been ignoring for as long as I care to remember. The reason for my ignorance may become evident as my writing progresses. In addition, it’s important to point out even at this early stage, ignorance is an affliction we’ve all experienced one way or another.

I won’t go into detail now but I think it’s worth saying, for those of you who know me or are familiar with my writing... you may have an inkling of where I’ve come from. Further more if you’re also familiar with my personality then you’ll probably understand my interest in anything spiritual, especially spiritual awakening.

Being poorly gives you time to think... I decided I wanted to be a better person so I started to do some research. Initially this involved wanting to learn how to meditate... this skill then introduced me to many thoughts, ideas and teachings globally. I ended up becoming overwhelmed with all the information out there. However, I still feel it’s important to take my time and research. I would like to listen to everybody as well as read words, wisdom and ultimately connect.

There are seven principles to spirituality and it’s said that all the principles are important as they are all part of the jigsaw of life. Each principle supports the other and gives you the full picture. Below I have inserted the link for those interested to view...

http://www.pathwaytospirit.co.uk/7-principles-of-spiritualism.htm

Very early on in my research, I quickly saw that Patience is one of the most important qualities we need to possess. During my illness I’ve read many words and watched countless videos on teachings. It’s clearly evident this quality is something that's important to help aid us in our work with others. In addition I learned that being patient means we remain firm, even if we are afraid. What’s more I surprisingly discovered, it is impatient people we learn from... It’s when they choose to show anger displaying their own insecurities; when we especially benefit. We must remain calm. Patience is a way of life; don’t get angry if provoked... Be the teacher. So, instead of feeling angry (even if we have reason) turn the other cheek and bless them.

I recently used this new skill and the wonderful sense of peace I felt was indescribable. I have discovered it really is better to feel for the person in crisis and think positive thoughts about them. Above all do not stress, remain calm and relaxed... I am finding it works. Embrace positive energy. Release the negative. I've also learned an individual who loses it may be physically weak because they are out of control... what causes a person to be out of control? The main culprit appears to be STRESS, Insecurities... it causes all sorts of problems. We all know being around someone who is constantly stressing, screaming, shouting, accusing and controlling. It's not only spiritually damaging it has an impact on daily life...but, it's up to the individual to sort it out... Life is too short, loved ones are so precious; we owe it to them to be whole.

It’s crucial we develop an attitude whereby, we see opportunities for others to benefit which is so much better than just looking out for ourselves. When patience is developed a reserve of calm is found. We are much more pleasant to be around. This helps to create a more positive family life including world around us. I am finding by practising, it helps me to relate with others in a much better way. Personally, I feel I’m more emotionally grounded. With this wonderful new knowledge I’m happy to report I feel a stronger sense of security.

I’ve come to realise in spiritual practice one must refrain from falsehood and live by truth... never mock others, always being humble and truly wanting to help with compassion and a love for others, knowing they have rights and dignity and the important thing here is that it doesn’t matter who, what or where...

I interestingly read and immediately identified with the ‘Dalai Lama’ who implied it is our own experience of suffering which will remind us of what everyone endures. I know this to be true and I strongly feel my inspiration derived from this knowledge may give me extra insight to practice compassion always knowing I will avoid causing others pain.

Everyone wants to be happy just as I do, it reminds me not to be selfish. I realise there is little to be gained from being kind, generous and loving, in the hope I win something in return... I realise actions like these are wrong and I know there is nothing to be gained by this. Also, I see that it’s important to develop a genuine compassion for loved ones. I know this is an appropriate place to start in my spiritual practice. From the teachings, I see the impact of my actions will do loved ones a greater good. But, I also see there should be no discrimination. It is this I wish to work on, which means using compassion and wisdom in a way of learning to help others also for the greater good.

I am learning the mind and body is susceptible to being harmed by negative thoughts and emotions. It doesn’t take long to understand our enemies are not external, they are mental afflictions (as taught by Lama Marut) and it is these mental afflictions that kill happiness. Positivity can, does, and will protect it.

All I have discussed definitely needs consistent practice, along with mediation and exploration of teachings and of course, a never ending interest in other people’s views and perspectives. I’m warmly finding, I feel stronger mentally and spiritually which I hope and pray leads to a physically healthier me.

There is much to talk about on this journey of mine and in sharing findings as well as thoughts; I sense it will help interesting information soak in much quicker knowing I am spreading news by keeping you posted... As I have always said, the world is a beautiful place the people are wonderful... even those that are sadly damaged... it is up to us to take care of them and although it's also been said that one should not boast about good deeds done or otherwise, there is a particular homeless person who I want to be the next beneficiary from my practice because for me that's also important on this journey... It's no secret I've always wanted to make a difference in the world, its well documented in my writing but, but, but... the difference now is that I've discovered if you want to change the world you have to change yourself...

An Angel Warrior on a spiritual mission...

28. Domestic Service. Whispered Dreams..

2010-09-12T23:27:00.017+01:00

In the darkness when I close my eyes... I reach out to touch you knowing my dreams will bring you closer. As the dream whispers softly... I stop and inhale, listening carefully just in case I miss you.

Sunday 12 Th September 2010...

Remember there’s reality and then there’s fiction... After sticking with this series, what you choose to think is down to you and of course your own knowledgeable beliefs including imagination... Just remember, the important thing with Domestic Service reports and the very nature of the business is this... It’s supremely imperative that I’m careful what I choose to share...

I woke rather grumpy but desperately tried to get back to sleep, just so I could reinstate myself firmly back into the dream world I was so enjoying... then with a ping of adrenaline I realised today’s my day off. Lying on the bed I ponder, what to do with today’s precious time. Despite my curtains being pulled to, the sunshine pushes through the very fabric of the material. I could even smell my delicious shower crème wafting in from the bathrooms open door. Senses heightened, I lay reflecting.

Having been away with a wonderful family has been a total joy but I’d been very careful to remain mindful and not forget reasons why my team and I have to be continually present in their lives... I’m suspicious though... very suspicious. The great Jonathon arrived part way through the holiday and although his stay was short lived, his presence left the senator and everybody else for that matter more than a little unsettled. At the time I shared these concerns with Jake and it’s been agreed, the great Jonathan (Senators PA) should be looked into and investigated thoroughly.

We returned from our wonderful holiday and arrived back at the senator’s residence during late afternoon on the 6^th September. It didn’t take very long to get back into routines and establish new ones. Part way through the holiday, after Jonathon’s unscheduled visit, I detected a rather strange ambience between the senator and his wife Kristina. I became even more curious when I went into the beach house’s kitchen shortly after Jonathon’s arrival, and discovered Kristina in a distressed agitated state... On gently asking what the matter was, my question was met with an uncharacteristic rebuke, which I immediately backed off from. Kristina is a lovely lady; if something was hurting her then it was personal. I would just wait and be here for her.

Springing back to the present... I want to do something nice today. My mind in a twirl from this thought and that idea. Then it hit me, I knew what I wanted to do... Shopping, I would go and buy some special things. Let people know how much they mean to me... Talking about that particular subject, I never did find a chance on our holiday of a lifetime; to spill the beans to Jake... I was very disappointed, still am! Well it has to be done right.

30minutes later, found me showered and dressed. Standing in the enormous kitchen I flick the button on the coffee pot... patiently waiting for the coffee, I watch its red light pulsate. Taylor and Emily enter the kitchen.

“Hey you two” I grin.

“Hello Crystal” they sang in unison.

“Thought you were off today” Emily cooed.

“I am, just having a much needed coffee before I go shopping”

“Oh ok, by the way Jake was looking for you earlier” Emily reported.

"Yes he asked me where you were too" Taylor followed.

“Right, did he say why?”

“No he just asked for you but I told him today's your day off” Emily winked slyly...

My beautiful soul sister, she didn’t know the full story but she knew I had a soft spot for Jake hence the wink.

“I’m sure I’ll catch him later” Turning to Taylor I ask how she's enjoying being back in the senator’s residence.

“I love it” Taylor cried. “It’s absolutely amazing, I love every single room and the other members of staff are wonderful, so nice to me”

“And so they should be, your a little diamond and such a hard worker” I affectionately touched the top of Taylor’s head as I passed to retrieve a piece of kitchen roll.

“So what you shopping for” Emily whispered.

“Oh now, for that you’ll have to wait and see” I giggled.

“See what” Jake teased as he walked through the kitchen door...

Blowing my coffee I smile as I tell him I'm going shopping...

“Fancy some company?”

I tried very hard to still my thumping heart and refrain from opening my eyes wider than necessary.

“Of course she would like some company, she’s just been telling Taylor and I how she really hates to shop alone”

Emily’s cheeks now crimson, her eyes darting nervously between Jake and me.

“Yes that’s right, I really don’t like shopping alone... if you’re free that would be really nice”

“Ok then two tics and hey Crystal I’ll drive you”

Watching the back of Jake as he disappeared, I still don’t know how I managed to retain my composure. With a brief hug to the girls, I pretend nothing was the matter. On automatic pilot I move slowly towards my room, to finish off getting ready...

Oh my god is this it, is this the right time? Has destiny finally presented itself ?

Pay It Forward...

2010-09-11T15:20:00.011+01:00

I’m a big believer in two very important subject matters. The first being the importance with its consequence of ‘how we treat each other’.

The second on the possible magnitude of ‘paying it forward’ I’ve always believed in these two concerns and feel determined as an individual to do all I can to educate where possible. My thoughts and feelings are that this will make the difference to our world by all of us helping to make the world a better place. Let me start with ‘paying it forward’ the writer Catherine Ryan Hyde in 2000 wrote a wonderful book called ‘pay it forward.’ Sometime later it was released as a film because nestled within the books pages a message came across as sincere and significant.

The story behind the title is centred on a 12yr old boy called Trevor who’s given a project from his teacher. His task is to come up with a plan that will change the world through direct action. It’s on his way home that Trevor comes across a homeless individual called Jerry. Trevor decides he’s going to make a difference to Jerry’s life by getting him on his feet.

His plan progresses with him knowing he will do good things for three people. In his pyramid of charitable schemes, the three people must each in turn do good things for three other people. What appears to initially be a failure is indeed a success. It’s not immediately known but is traced backwards by a reporter who’s the benefactor. The initial recipients of Trevor are a drug addict, his badly scarred school teacher, and a classmate who’s constantly bullied by his peers. The film received mixed reviews but I remember feeling this could well have been written by my own hand as I identified with all that Catherine said.

As a believer in paying it forward, I’ve reported in the past our actions, thoughts words and deeds impact somewhere, somehow with someone... As thoughtful beings, and depending on what we are trying to achieve we can make that as good or as bad as we want. There are times when we can do something anonymously and simply sink into the warmth of knowing we did well, and of course there are the times we do things just out of the goodness of our hearts for family, friends and strangers. The other part to this is sometimes we do things and we never get to see what we payed forward but... I always like to bask in the knowledge, occasionally others are not aware of the good we’ve done but I have witnessed countless others on the receiving end and let me say it’s always been a joy to observe.

Whatever you do to help others remember, payback is a thousand times more than you’ll ever think possible... below is a personal favourite part of the film. I hope you have time to Watch & Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGcwG-2owow

A quick mention on the first part of this article, ‘How we treat others’ I’ve just read one of my favourite mediums Lisa Williams's blog. Today she talks about what we put out to people. Lisa shares my own belief that how we treat others is so very often how we ourselves get treated. I totally agree. Remember... ‘Treat others how you would like to be treated yourself’

I’ve inserted Lisa's blog for those interested in further reading her article....

http://www.lisawilliamsmedium.com/welcome-to-my-world/2010/9/11/dont-force-life-live-it.html

Till next time Mwah x

Feelings...

2010-09-08T13:48:00.004+01:00

Photo courtesy of joe-ks.com

Just a very quick caption to remind you and others, that I don’t have a problem sharing my mind, my feelings or my life... or even about being open, honest & genuine... For me it’s the absolute best feeling in the whole wide world, I should know I was mute for years.

But thank goodness, not anymore... I have so much to give and so much to learn. This is the time to embrace the world with all its blessings...

I realise not everyone is this demonstrative, but that’s ok because I always sense the barrier and respect.

Love, Light & Laughter x

Are you or could you be an EMPATH...

2010-09-07T22:37:00.016+01:00

I’m writing this because of something I learned recently and I consider it to be terribly significant. I’ve decided to hopefully produce an enlightening article... covering a few facts that I carefully researched... I want to share this because until recently I’d never even heard of an Empath. When I looked further into this interesting subject I discovered something amazing. That I could possibly be an Empath... in a bright illuminating flash my path and its journey finally made sense.

For those of you who may not know... Being an Empath is having a unique ability to read and comprehend people. It doesn’t seem to matter if this gift is voluntarily or involuntary you still have a capacity to be in tune with others and occasionally when this happens it can overwhelm and sometimes hurt your very own being.

A lot of times Empaths are completely unaware of their gift but... they grow up sensing strongly they’re different in terms of recognising they’re extra sensitive to other peoples psyche, thoughts, feeling and emotions. Empaths have an ability to scan another person’s psyche and as strange as it may seem Empaths are unaware of how this actually works.

From my research I see being an Empath is much about knowing the truth. It cannot be hidden from you, no matter how hard someone tries because you feel/sense and know it. Empaths very often possess the ability to sense others on so many different levels; it’s important and comes from being observant of many things in others. Because of the way I was brought up... I ended up becoming gifted at walking into a room, scanning and then I would be able to advise on how every person in the room was feeling. Initially this gift came to me for very different reasons... My gift transpired out of necessity because I was always trying to keep myself safe (I was a victim of abuse on many levels) ... when I was really small I figured out if I knew how people were feeling, I’d be able to disappear quickly.

I see from current reading that Empaths have a biological/genetic and a distinct spiritual aspect. It seems those who are Empaths grow with these qualities as a whole package and may not learn about them until later in life... to which I must say I feel I’m a good example. I also hear being an Empath is inherited, genetic... inherent in our DNA and is passed from generation to generation. It has been studied both by traditional science and of course alternative practitioners.

I very much wanted to make a list of traits for an Empath, but on scouring the incredible amount of information on the internet, I felt unable to make that list as the traits were many...

I particularly enjoyed reading that Empaths are known to be born writers, singers and artists with a high degree of imagination, talent and creativity. Empaths are not just good listeners they are what I would label, intent listeners. They are also extremely affectionate not just in personality but also in expression. Speaking from experience, I would say, Empaths totally understand the past, present and future more especially the hereafter. They don’t have problems expressing love or goodwill, especially if they feel the receiver will benefit from their words, actions or deeds.

It is believed by many that Empaths are often quiet, also rather than receive a compliment they would rather point out another’s positive attributes. I know myself; I’m very expressive in all areas of emotional connection. I talk openly in respect of myself. I’ve also read that learning Empaths are good at blocking out others but that’s seen as a good thing, because being an Empath often means being open to a barrage of emotions which at times overwhelms. Empaths usually ignore their own needs. I know if an area is filled with conflict this creates a very uncomfortable feeling, causing us to attempt as soon as possible to settle the situation. I’ve also read we are sensitive to TV, Videos, movies, News etc. This is spot on... I find I cannot watch violence or sustain watching a drama that is highly emotional especially if its graphically shocking or if there are scenes of pain being inflicted on anyone, man, woman, child or animal, it quickly reduces me to tears as I struggle to comprehend why anyone would want to do such a thing.

I hear people from all walks of life are attracted to Empaths, this I know to be true... if I had a penny for every time I’d heard these wonderful words...

“I feel like I’ve known you forever”

I’m sure I would be nigh on close to a millionaire. I have found people even strangers say, they felt drawn to me. With most people I also feel that same warm wonderful connection. They also say they can’t believe how they went on to pour out their heart and soul, despite not intending too. I know it’s because they sense I’ll listen not just with understanding but also with compassion and importantly they know, feel and sense they can trust me.

I think it’s safe to say not only are Empaths the listeners of life they are also studiers, problem solvers and thinkers. The first time I was aware I was listening to somebody think I was in the company of my own father... I recall on many occasions I would sit in his presence and listen to him thinking. He was one of life’s thinkers just like I am now...

If you’re interested in looking at further information on all of the above I found this site a good one to check out: I used Elise’s site amongst others to do some research and found it to be a very good resource for helping one understand Empaths on a much deeper level. http://www.eliselebeau.com/empathResources.php

Till next time a million Hugs

Closing the door...

2010-09-05T14:00:00.028+01:00

If I was with a loved one and sensed no feelings of warmth and their behaviour displayed this consistently... always reeking of a cold heartedness. Then there could be no doubt for me, they don’t love, respect, want or need me ...

When I acquired my platform and decided bravely to open my heart with a view to sharing thoughts, feelings, dreams and parts of my life (some painful) by writing about them. Instantly I felt anxious just in case others felt my writing wasn’t good enough. I further worried in case others might disrespect me and my writing with the awful possibility of them even laughing. I realised scarily I was perhaps putting myself into a very uncertain world. When I look back to those worries I identify clearly, I merely lacked in confidence...

All in all, my blogging experience has been wonderful, healing, and therapeutic. I’ve discovered another world. Believe it or not, it’s significantly helped me to discover myself... I’ve previously written an article about this kind of communication and it's definitely not for everybody. For me, it continues to be a brilliant, consistent encounter with my true best friend...

I’m happy to report I’ve been more then pleasantly surprised... in just over a year I’ve thankfully only had one negative unstructured comment, which I discovered through a 3^rd party. I knew from then on any further negative remarks could never be as bad as hearing that particular one, in view of whom it was from... All I will share is this... each and every one of us is entitled to our own opinion. The difference is some people can do it with honey whilst others do it with vinegar. It’s completely up to the individual and their personality and of course the motive behind the comments...

Occasionally in life I find myself focusing and then curiously placing myself in other people’s shoes. I do try very hard to be fair when sensing, possibly understanding, why one would continue to hold on to a heart of stone and an irritating holy than thou attitude, which overwhelms everybody when witnessing, jumped up superiority... I’ll never understand why anyone would keep a determined grip on negative, unrealistic, unfounded accusations. To most of us I know that would be utterly senseless, it gets one nowhere. Life my super doper floating little time bomb is precious, but unfortunately short... So learn fast and try where possible to make amends to those that matter.

In my heart I very often cry because I know despite being told there is so much you don’t comprehend... I’d always hoped you would understand or simply see straight before it's too late. However, my present wish will be that one day you will. By then though I'll sadly know, you and your life won’t ever be the same... the regret will be tremendous. The experience is irreversible and the loss will be unbearable.

As a family member myself, a mother and a friend, I’ve found on very odd occasions there have been times when I’ve had to bite my tongue, turn the other cheek, swallow anger or pride to allow for time out or direct more thought towards uncomfortable issues, importantly keeping the door ajar for stubborn ones. But, it’s been oh so worth it, just too simply keep hold of all those precious people in my life.

Some of us often become sadly aware that there’ll always be certain stubborn individuals, who for whatever reason are unable to grasp the concept and its reason. They then go on to spoil any possible happiness they could have experienced. We all appreciate there’s only so many times a person can knock on the door and offer the hand of friendship and love. There also comes a time for us to say,

“Ok, let’s agree to disagree and move on”

From firsthand experience and being an individual who can't bear giving up, in the past... even I had to recognise when enough was enough. It’s not a happy or self-righteous moment. Being blessed or not with always viewing the bigger picture, back then I was also able to completely perceive what it was going to be like not having, sharing, caring, loving that person and all they meant in life. Another BUT... but a very big one, sometimes for one’s own sanity I also strongly believe, there are certain people no matter how much we love or care for them that shouldn’t be in our lives, because of their own individual feelings, or should I say lack of them.

Now, if you’re sat in front of your screen wondering is this article directed at a certain someone? The answer is most definitely 'yes' ... I also feel the article and all it conveys could possibly apply to anyone reading it -I respectfully say, You know the saying 'If the cap fits'

Maybe many of you would like to know who the person is.

Let me share this with you... As a responsible writer, a person with integrity, I believe it’s possible to sensitively relay messages. It’s also wholly possible to do this without naming. My responsibility to any individual is still and always will be intact, regardless of what may or may have been said or done. It also allows me to write about what I want and perfectly heals from within. I think it’s also safe to say one can remove a person from one’s life and still love them; it’s just sometimes an extra wise precaution, to close the door firmly...

Sometimes we don’t actually like some decisions we make. Writing this for me has been a very good way of having my very own conference... Hashing it out, thinking about the why's, when's and wheres... comfortably bringing those very important reasons, explanations, intentions, causes, motives, aims and goals forward. I’m mindful of the agenda and back then although the decision was not made lightly, I've been able to reveal I’m aware of what I reluctantly gave up. However me being me, I needed to remind and reassure myself it was a good and right choice... In all fairness, the decision I realised was needed for both parties! Today for some strange, inexplicable reason, I needed to rationalise those reasons and my choice...

I always believe in finishing on a positive, so was going to finish with,

'Oh, I feel better already!'

Seriously though... maybe I don't. But hey that's life and we just have to get use to the possibility of being handed out shit... I'm sure the majority of you out there know what I mean, we've all had our fair share, just seems some deal with it and others don’t. For those of you who’ve managed to read this to the end, you know there are several messages in there somewhere!

Love, light and lots a lager xxx